CHAPTER VIII
THE BIENNIAL
On the day that the Convention of Women's Clubs opened, Mrs. Lathrop,having seen her friend depart, composed herself for a period ofunmitigated repose which might possibly last, she thought, for severaldays. Susan had awakened her very early that morning to receive her backdoor key and minute instructions regarding Elijah and the chickens.Elijah had undertaken to look after the chickens, but Miss Clegg statedfrankly that she should feel better during her absence if her friendkept a sharp eye on him during the process. "Elijah's got a good heart,"said the delegate, "but that don't alter his bein' a man an' as aconsequence very poor to depend upon as to all things about the house.I don't say as I lay it up against him for if he was like Deacon White,an' had ideas of his own as to starchin' an' butterin' griddles, he'ddrive me mad in no time, but still I shall take it as a personal favorof you, Mrs. Lathrop, if you'll ask him whenever you see him if he'sremembered all I told him, an' _don't_ let him forget the hen as isthinkin' some of settin' in the wood shed, for if she does it, she'llneed food just as much as if she does n't do it."
Then Miss Clegg departed, with her valise, her bonnet in a box, and somelunch in another box. She went early, for the simple reason that thetrain did the same thing, and as soon as she was gone Mrs. Lathrop, as Ibefore remarked, went straight back to bed and to sleep again. She had afeeling that for a while at least no demand upon her energies couldpossibly be made, and it was therefore quite a shock to her when somehours later she heard a vigorous pounding on her back door.
Stunned dizzy by the heavy slumber of a hot July day, Mrs. Lathrop wassome minutes in getting to the door, and when she got there, was someseconds in fumbling at the lock with her dream-benumbed fingers; but inthe end she got it open, and then was freshly paralyzed by the sight ofher friend, standing without, with her valise, her bonnet-box, her lunchin the other box, and the general appearance of a weary soldier who hasfought but not exactly won.
"Why, Susan, I thought you--" began Mrs. Lathrop, her mouth and eyesboth popping widely open.
"I did, an' I've got through an' I've come home." Miss Clegg advancedinto the kitchen as she spoke and abruptly deposited her belongings uponthe table and herself upon a chair. "I've been to the convention," shesaid; then, "I've been to the convention, an' I've got through withthat, too, an' I've got home from that, too."
"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, advancing into a more advanced stage ofperplexity, as she came more fully to herself, noted more fully herfriend's exceedingly battered appearance, and folding what she hadslipped on well about her, sought her rocker.
"I don't know, I'm sure," said Susan, "it beats me what anybody elsedoes it for, either. But you must n't ask me questions, Mrs. Lathrop,partly because I'm too tired to answer them, an' partly because I'vecome over to tell you anyhow an' I can always talk faster when you don'ttry to talk at the same time."
Mrs. Lathrop took a fresh wind-about of her overgarment, and prepared tohold her tongue more tightly than ever.
"In the first place," said Susan, speaking in the highly uplifted keywhich we are all apt to adopt under the stress of great excitement mixedwith great fatigue; "in the first place, Mrs. Lathrop, you know as Mrs.Macy insisted on keepin' the badge 'cause she said she wanted to workit into that pillow she's makin', so I had to get along with the card ashad her number on it. As a consequence I naturally had a very hard time,for I could n't find Mrs. Lupey an' had to fiddle my own canoe from thestart clear through to the finish. I can tell you I've had a hard dayan' no one need n't ever say Woman's Rights to me never again. I'm toofull of Women's Wrongs for my own comfort from now on, an' the way I'vebeen treated this day makes me willin' to be a turkey in a harem beforeI'd ever be a delegate to nothin' run by women again.
"In the first place when I got to the train it was full an' while I waspackin' myself into the two little angles left by a very fat man, awoman come through an' stuck a little flag in my bonnet without my evernoticin' what she done an' that little flag pretty near did me up rightin the start. Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as goin' to a Woman's Conventionmakes you everybody's business but your own from the beginnin', an' thatlittle flag as that woman stuck in my bonnet was a sign to every one asI was a delegate.
"I set with a very nice lady as asked me as soon as she see the littleflag if I knowed how to tell a ham as has got consumption from one ashas n't. I told her I did n't an' she talked about that till we got totown, which made the journey far from interestin' an' is goin' to makeit very hard for me to eat ham all the rest of my life. Then we got outan' I got rid of her, but that did n't help me much, for I got twoothers as see the little flag right off an' they never got off nor letup on me. I was took to a table as they had settin' in the stationhandy, put in their own private census an' then give two books an' a mapan' seven programs an' a newspaper an' a rose, all to carry along withmy own things, an' then a little woman with a little black bag as hadnoticed the little flag too took me away, an' said I need n't botherabout a thing for I could go with her an' welcome.
"'A lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked me if Iwas a delegate or an alternative.'" _Page_ 119]
"I did n't want to go with her, welcome or not, but they all seemedpleased with the arrangement, so I went with her, an' I was more'n alittle mad for every time I dropped the rose or a program, tryin' to getrid of them, she'd see it an' pick it up an' give it back to me. Wewalked a little ways in that pleasant way an' then she asked me how Iwas raisin' my children, an' I said I did n't have none. She said, 'Ohmy, what would Mr. Roosevelt say to that?' and I said it was n't hisaffair nor no other man's. I may in confidence remark as by this time Iwas gettin' a little warm, Mrs. Lathrop.
"We come to the convention hall after a good long walk an' I was quitehot two ways by that time, for I was mad an' awful tired too. The littlewoman left me then an' a lady come up, looked at my flag, an' asked meif I was a delegate or an alternative 'cause it was important to knowright off in the beginnin'. I told her I was for Mrs. Macy an' she gotout a book an' looked in it very carefully to see for sure whether tobelieve me or not an' then she told me to go on in. There was a door assqueaked an' they pushed me through it an' I found myself, bag, flag an'all, in the convention.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never see the beat of that place in all my life.They'd done what they could to make it cheerful an' homelike by paintin'it green at one end but it was plain to be seen as the paint soon giveout an' towards the top the man as was paintin' must of give out too,for he just finished up by doing a few circles here an' there an' thenleft it mainly plain. Below was all chairs an' they'd started todecorate with banners but they'd given out on banners even quicker thanon paint an' the most of the hall was most simple.
"I walked up as far towards the front as I could an' then I sat down. Ican't say as I was very comfortable nor much impressed an' the folksfurther back was very restless an' kept sayin' they could n't hear whatwas goin' on on the platform. There was a lady on the platform hammerin'a table for dear life an' to my order of thinkin' anybody must have beendeaf as could n't have heard her hammerin', but she looked happy an'that was maybe the main thing, for a woman behind me whispered as thespirit of her with the hammer just filled the room. Well, I stood it aslong as I could an' then I got up an' remarked frank an' open as ifevery one would keep still every one could easy hear. They all clappedat that, but the lady with the hammer could n't seem to even hear me an'hammered worse than ever all the while they was clappin'.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to make a long story short it was n't veryinterestin'--I will even in confidence remark as I found it pretty dull.I read all my seven programs an' made out as the first day was give togreetin' an' the next to meetin'. The next was on trees an' the oneafter that they was all goin' to drive. An' so on, an' so on. Then Ismelt my rose some, an' a thorn stuck into my nose some an' thehammerin' made me very tired an' finally a woman come in an' said I hadher seat so I give it to her with a glad heart an' come out, an' I neverwas happier to do anythin' i
n my whole life before. But I was hardly outwhen a lady as I had n't seen yet see my little flag an' pounced on mean' said was I Miss Clegg? an' I did n't see nothin' to be gained bysayin' I was n't so I said Yes, I was.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, that was pretty near to bein' the beginnin' of myend. That woman hustled me into a carriage, give my valise to the driveran' told him to be quick. I was too dumb did up by her actions to beable to think of anythin' to say so I just sit still, an' she pinned apurple ribbon onto me an' told me she'd read two of my books an' diedlaughin' only to look at me. I was more than afraid as she was crazy butshe talked so fast I could n't even see a chance to open my mouth so Idid n't try.
"She said when they was gettin' ready for the convention an' dividin' upcelebrities among themselves that she just took me right off. She saidas she was goin' to give a lunch for me an' a dinner for me an' I don'tknow what all. She was still talkin' when the carriage stopped at ahotel.
"She said I must n't mind a hotel much 'cause her husband minded companymore, an' I did n't see any sort of meanin' to her remark, but David inthe lions' den was a roarin' lion himself compared to me that minute, soI just walked behind her an' she took me in an' up in a elevator an'into a room with a bathroom an' a bouquet an' there she told me to giveher the key of the valise an' she'd unpack while I was in the bath tub.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I'm sure I never had no idea of needin' a bath thatbad when I set off for the city to-day, an' you'll maybe be surprised atme bein' so wax about extra washin' in her hands, but I was so wild toget away from her an' her steady talk by that time, that I give her thekey an' went into the bathroom an' made up my mind as I'd try a bath allover at once for the first time in my life, seein' as there did n't seemto be nothin' else to do, an' the tub was handy.
"So I undressed an' when I was undressed I begin to look where I was toleap. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never see such a tub as that tub in allyour life before! There was a hole in the middle of the bottom an' themore water run in the more water run out. At first I could n't see how Iwas goin' to manage but after a while I figured it out an' see as therewas nothin' for me to do but to sit on that hole an' paddle like I waspaid for it with both hands at once to keep from being scalded while thetub filled from two steady spurts one boilin' an' one of ice water.Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I never felt nothin' like that kind of a bathbefore!
"If I tried to wash anywhere as was at all difficult I lost my grip onthe hole an' the water went out with a swish as made Niagara look like acow's tail afore I could possibly get in position again. I was n't more'n halfway down my washin' when the awfulest noise begin outside an' theconvention itself was babes sleepin' in soothin' syrup compared towhatever was goin' on in that next room.
"I tell you I got out of that tub in a hurry an' rubbed off as best Icould with a very thick towel marked 'Bath' as was laid on the floor allready, an' got into my clothes an' went out.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you may believe me or not just as you please, butit was _another_ lady with _another_ delegate with _another_ purpleribbon an' _another_ little flag. The ladies was very mad an' the otherdelegate was bitin' her lips an' lookin' out the window. In the end theladies was so mad they went down to the telephone an' left the delegatean' me alone in the room together.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, butthat other delegate asked me my name an' when I told her she said it washer name, too. Then she laughed until she cried an' said she never hearanythin' to beat us. She said it was all as clear as day to her an' thatshe should write a story about it. She said about all she got out oflife was writin' stories about it an' she never lost a chance to make agood one. She said she wished I'd stay with her an' I could have halfthe bed an' half of that same tub as long as I like.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, the long an' short of it was as I felt that nomatter how kind she was I would n't never be able to be happy anywherewhere I had to be around with a woman who talked all the time, an' sleepin a bed with another Susan Clegg, an' wash in a tub as you have to stopup with some of yourself, so I just took my things an' come home by thenoon train an' I'll stay here one while now, too, I guess."
"I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes, I was just going to ask you where you put it," said Miss Clegg, "Ishall need it to get in the back door."
"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"I can get it myself," said her friend, rising. "Well, good-bye. I won'tdeny as I'm mad for my lunch won't be any the better for ridin' to townan' back this hot day, but the Lord fits the back to the burden, so Iguess Elijah will be able to eat it, leastways if he don't he won't getnothin' else,--I know _that_, for it was him as got up the fine idea ofsending a delegate from the sewin' society to the convention an' I don'tthank him none for it, I know _that_."
"You--" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly.
"I ain't sure," said Miss Clegg. "Elijah strikes me as more thorns thanroses this night. I never was one to feel a longin' for new experiences,an' I've had too many to-day, as he'll very soon learn to his sorrowwhen he comes home to-night."