Before she could protest, he bypassed the bed, pressing her back up against the empty wall beside the bed. Holding her still and firm as he thrust into her again and again. Fighting climax. Trying desperately to maintain control.
Her back banged against the wall with each thrust. She squeezed him and moaned. He thrust again, deeper, harder, feeling the fire build. Fighting it as every muscle in his body coiled hard. Sliding into her, wishing the condom wasn't between them. At the same time glad it was there because it dulled things just enough to give him some control.
She whimpered and gasped.
He took her shoulder in his mouth and sucked and gently bit, grazing it with his teeth until she gasped again. He felt her tipping over the edge, losing herself, felt her body tighten and relax against him. He lost control then, too, and flew over the precipice with her.
When it was over, he rested his sweaty forehead against hers, still pressing her against the wall. "Adventurous enough for you?" He kissed the tip of her nose.
"I don't know." She was breathing heavily and clinging to him, but there was a smile in her voice. "I can't think."
"Me either." He spun around, still cupping her butt and holding her up while she clamped her legs around him. He let go of her ass for just a second, teasing her.
She screamed and clasped him; pressed her head against his shoulder. "Don't drop me!" She was still breathing hard. "How can you even stand? My legs are jelly. If you set me down, I'll collapse."
He whispered in her ear, "Should I test it?"
She squealed again, laughing and holding on to him for dear life. "Don't you dare!"
He kissed her neck and bent his knees like he was going to collapse.
"No!"
"I can't stand any longer, either." He fell onto his back on her bed with El on top of him, still inside her. His hard-on wouldn't go away. She was so slick and wet he was tempted to go at it again. He arched up, thrusting into her, teasing, trying not to think about Her. Trying to push Her away. "Come on, El, have a ride."
"Shut up. Just shut up. I have to catch my breath. Why don't you? Are you some kind of mutant alien?"
"It's an athlete thing."
"Don't you have to, you know, first?" She arched her brow like he should fill in the blank.
"What, El?" He couldn't resist teasing her.
The way a blush crept up her neck and into her face was so cute it only kept him turned on. "You know, reload or something." She made a wilting motion with her finger.
He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Not going to happen while I'm still inside."
She pulled her legs from beneath his back, slid off him and rolled next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. "So reload, then."
He laughed and wrapped his arms around her. "So you were spying on me last night. Because you missed me so much?"
She snuggled into him and tucked her head beneath his chin. "I wasn't spying on you. I found out accidentally while Bre was spying on Dan. Big difference."
"I don't even want to know how Bre found me while she was spying on Dan." He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through her hair. A wave of contentment washed over him. He wanted to drift off to sleep with his arms around her. But girls got offended when he fell asleep after. They didn't realize it was the ultimate compliment. Instead, he pulled the condom off and dropped it into the wastebasket nearby.
She sighed. "There was a moment last night when I was jealous of the girls who got to be with you. And missing you and feeling bad because I was jealous of what you needed to do. I thought about calling CAPSA for an escort and requesting you."
"Why didn't you?" he asked, flattered. He wished she would have. Then he could have spent the rest of the night "walking her home."
She lifted her head and looked him in the eye. "Would you have come?"
"In a heartbeat." He paused. "I felt so shitty about leaving you I almost bailed anyway."
"I'm glad you didn't." She sounded almost fierce. "As much as I missed you, if this is something you need to do to heal, then you need to do it." She pushed up and looked him in the eye. "Logan, you have so much support here. That's what I realized when I saw the fan page.
"I'm proud of you. All those girls you've helped. How safe you've made them feel." She didn't sound the slightest bit sarcastic. El was completely genuine, which surprised and pleased him.
"You belong here. Even if I have to fight off flirty girls and share your heroics with them." She chucked his chin playfully. "And put up with them posting pictures of themselves with you."
"I have my phone." He reached into his jeans pocket. "I'll take a selfie of us now." He pulled his phone out and held it out of her reach as she swatted at it, trying to get it away.
"Take that picture and I'll kill you."
"Why? I like the way you look after sex. You're dressed from the waist up." He wrapped one arm around her waist, enjoying the feel of her breasts rubbing against him as she struggled to get the phone.
She bent down and kissed him, taking him by surprise as she sucked on his lip and teased her tongue around his mouth. He relaxed. She pulled the phone from his grip, laughing as she broke away from the kiss. She studied him and her expression became suddenly serious. "Stay here for grad school where everyone loves you."
His heart stopped. He froze. He muttered. "El, I haven't made up my mind."
"I know." She rested her head against his chest again. "I promised not to pressure you. But I don't want you to go and leave me behind." She clutched his shoulder.
He sighed. "I don't want to leave you, either. But it's not that simple."
She nodded, but she looked so sad he just wanted to cradle her. He grabbed her and pressed her against him, feeling her heart beat with his again.
When El broke the silence, her voice was too bright, like she was trying hard to be normal. "What time did you finally get home?"
"Four."
"Early, then."
"Yeah. Early." He was a crappy boyfriend. "About grad school—"
"Yes?" She looked so damned optimistic.
He had to come clean. "My interview is Wednesday. I'm thinking of canceling it. Something's come up."
Chapter Fourteen
Ellie
"Canceling." I sat up and stared at Logan, looking away as a surge of panic coursed through me. "You can't be serious. You promised. You promised." I pulled my blouse down and straightened my panties. Then I slid off the bed and looked around for my jeans, trying to rein my emotions in before I said something I'd regret.
"El, come on. Listen to me. I have a good reason." He sat up and zipped his fly.
I found my jeans and pulled them on, zipping, still not looking at him. "Then tell me."
"Like this? Now?" He slid his feet over the edge of the bed.
"Yes. Why not? You just got what you wanted."
He jumped to his feet and grabbed me by the arms before I could move or think about running. "I'm in trouble, El. I don't have the money for grad school. I'm about to lose everything."
I stared at him, unable to grasp what he was saying. More trouble? Like we needed more.
"It's the deal with Amber." He started explaining.
I was so upset, I barely heard what he was saying until he said he needed twenty thousand dollars. He looked as close to despondent as Logan ever got. Which scared me.
"I'm obligated to contribute my share. If the company goes under, we'll all lose everything and I'm done. My original investment will go up in smoke."
I kept staring at him, trying to let it sink in.
"I can get the money, part of it, if I take one of my job offers and get my signing bonus. Then I'll stall them while I get the rest."
"No," I said, shaking my head. "No."
"There's no other way, El."
I kept shaking my head.
"What do you want me to do? Ask Dad for the money like Amber suggested?" He looked at me like he hoped I wasn't a traitor like her. "Admit I'm a failure?"
/> Like I would ever betray him like that. "No!" I wrapped my arms around him.
"I won't ask him to pay for grad school, either, El. I can't."
"Ask Caleb for the investment money. That's chump change to your big-shot big-league baby brother."
Logan stiffened. "I thought of that. But I can't ask Caleb. Going to my little brother for money is like going to Dad. Everyone hits Caleb up for cash. I don't want to be like everyone." His heart pounded in my ear.
"You aren't everyone. You're his brother," I said into his chest. "He owes you for all the years you played pitcher to his catcher. It was the two of you who made him what he is. Without you, there would be no major leagues for Caleb. He has to know that." I wasn't backing down. In my mind, Caleb owed Logan much more.
Logan sighed and rested his chin on my head. "Okay. You're right. Caleb owes me. But I'm not sure he'll see it that way." He sounded so defeated that it should have broken my heart.
I squeezed Logan, selfishly relieved, feeling guilty for pushing Logan to beg his brother for money and hoping I hadn't misjudged Caleb. That he wasn't a bigger douchebag than I thought.
I bit my lip and went for broke. "I'm going with you to your interview. For moral support. I'll wait outside and be there to cheer you on."
"Don't trust me?" he said, sounding more like the playful Logan I loved.
"Can't stay away from you."
Logan thought he'd won. Thought he'd outwitted me when he pulled me on top of him on the bed when there was no chance of completing the act. I'd been too transparent. Somehow he had caught on to my plan.
I kept hoping what he'd allowed me to do was enough. That just playing with me on top was enough to break the cycle of nightmares. But that night he woke in a cold sweat again. He blamed it on business worries, but I wondered.
Monday and Tuesday flew by. We made love like humping bunnies. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. But through it all, I noticed Logan liked to be in control. He resisted when I tried to take charge. And teased and played to distract me and regain control. I had to make him see I wasn't Her.
Zave gave us a celebrity name, Loganel, and used it until it was just plain annoying. I believed there was some passive aggression behind it. That Zave was getting subtly back for blocking his chance with Kelsie. I made up my mind to help Zave win her, if I could. Kill two birds. Though it would have been better if Kelsie found some guy totally out of the gang, it didn't look like that was going to happen.
Logan and I didn't mention the money he needed. If I had it, any portion of it that would have made a difference, I would have given it to him and never cared if he paid me back. I was getting by. Jason was as generous with me as I would let him be. But I was stingy with his money, not letting him spoil me.
He had offered repeatedly to pay my tuition or room and board. He felt it was his duty. The least he could do for not paying a penny of child support while I was growing up. Not that that was his fault. I refused to take it. Paying for college was my responsibility. It was not what I wanted from him as a dad.
If this had been a private university, as his daughter, I would have been entitled to free tuition. But it wasn't. I let him use his employee discount to help me out at the student bookstore and for software I needed. And buy me dinner and coffee now and then. I took the odd bits of fun money from him when he absolutely insisted. But that was it.
I was tempted to ask him for money now. But he had the new baby coming and I couldn't make myself do it. I hadn't found him because I wanted money from him. I didn't want the thought to even cross his mind.
On Wednesday morning, I stood in Logan's bathroom in my panties and bra, getting ready to go with him to his interview. I was preoccupied with dreams of Logan deciding on grad school and staying with me for my senior year. Thinking if he did we could move in together. Officially. Wondering how I'd tell Jason, my super protective, surprisingly conservative bio dad. I brushed my teeth on autopilot, poured a glass of water, and reached for my birth-control pill pack without thinking, just like I did every day.
As I picked up the pack, it shook in my hand. Nerves for Logan, I thought. I had trouble popping the pill through the foil. When I finally succeeded, I dropped the pill in the sink. It slid around the slick ceramic finish while I dove for it. I caught it just in time to keep it from slipping down the drain.
My heart roared in my ears as I stared at it in my hand, with its coating melting in my palm from the wetness of the sink. I shivered, cold and nauseated. Dumbfounded as I realized what my subconscious had known all along—I was staring at the last active pill in the pack.
In a few days, my period should hit. Would hit. But there was that element of dark, forceful doubt. That voice in my head. You've been reckless, Ellie. You're going to turn out just like Mom. Bitter and alone.
I pushed the voices away and swallowed the pill. I haven't been careless. I haven't missed a pill. We used condoms every time.
The fear may have been totally unreasonable and unfounded, but it was powerfully real. Totally reactionary. And completely uncontrollable and subconscious. Like Logan's. So real I had to sit on the toilet seat and put my head between my knees to fight off the lightheaded, dizzy feeling.
You'll be okay. You'll be okay. You'll be okay.
I took long, deep breaths, trying to get control of myself. Trying to think of ordinary things. Like, of course my period was due for Mom's Weekend. Of course it was. Perfect timing. I would be all fat and bloaty and broken out while my mom was skinny and hot.
My heartbeat slowed, trying to find its normal rhythm. Was this how Logan handled the fear that attacked from his subconscious every time I climbed on top of him and tried to take control during sex? I admired him more than ever. He handled it better than I did.
I swallowed hard. You'll be okay. You'll be okay.
I was going to have to attack when his subconscious was asleep and couldn't fight back. But how?
Logan pounded on the bathroom door. "El? Are you about ready? It's almost time to go."
"I'm fine," I said. "Give me a minute. I'll be out in a second."
You'll be okay. You'll be okay.
I stood up slowly and slid into the little sundress I'd hung to steam in the bathroom. I would not make Logan late for the interview I'd insisted he take. I put on some lipgloss and steeled myself. You'll be okay.
When I opened the door, Logan was sitting on his bed, looking so completely adorable my subconscious fears relented and subsided. I whistled. "You look hot. Totally sexy."
He was dressed in a pale blue fitted dress shirt and tailored suit with skinny slacks that showed off his athletic build and made me want to run my hands over his shoulders. Stylish leather shoes. Happy socks with a funky geometric pattern in shades of blue that complemented his shirt. No tie.
"That's too bad. I was going for professional." He flashed me a lopsided grin.
I knew him well enough to know he was nervous, even if he didn't look it. "You'll do great." I walked over and stood between his legs as I bent and kissed him. And ran my hands over the sleeves of his shirt, copping a feel of his biceps. "I could just throw you back on the bed and take you here."
"Fine with me." He fell backward.
I climbed on him and sat on his crotch, letting the skirt of my sundress spread out around us. I rubbed against his crotch, feeling his hardness through his slacks and my panties. His eyes were dark with desire, but his body was taut, ready to strike and his face was paling. If I had believed this was my moment to cure him, I would have taken it. But I knew his MO. In another second, he'd flip me over.
I went wet at the thought. "Nice try." I slid off him before I gave him an embarrassing wet spot on his crotch. "You're going to the interview."
"But not as a happily sexed man, evidently." He frowned.
"Shut up! I thought we're running late. There's no time."
"There's always time for a quickie. Two minutes is all I need."
"Maybe I need more time.
"
He slid a hand beneath my skirt and slipped a finger into my panties. "Doesn't feel that way to me."
I pushed his hand away and stood up. "Focus, Logan."
"I am."
"Not on me, on the interview."
He sighed like he'd lost this battle.
"We have a ton to do today. After your interview, we'll go pick up my Mom's Weekend sweatshirts—"
"That's supposed to be an incentive?" He rolled his eyes.
I laughed and ignored his disdain. I lowered my voice like we were conspirators. "I ordered Mom a size too large."
He shook his head and sat up. "You're kidding. She won't wear it."
"Not kidding." I should have walked out of the danger zone. But I didn't. I stood between his legs again and traced the broad line of his shoulders, ostensibly smoothing out any wrinkles in his shirt. "Wear this to dinner at Jason and Lyssa's tonight?"
He gave me his skeptical look. "Seriously? I'm changing the first chance I get."
I laughed. "You look so good in it."
He ran his hands up my bare thighs beneath my dress. "And you look so good out of this."
We arrived at the college of engineering almost late for Logan's interview. "Screw it! We'll have to park in the garage."
"I thought that's what we just did?" I grinned at him. It turned out he was right—two minutes was enough.
He grinned back. He squealed into the first available spot. We jumped out and walked hand in hand into the building until we reached the departmental offices.
Logan stopped me outside the door. "Seriously, El. I don't need you to hold my hand from here." He rubbed his thumb over mine and kissed it. "Much as I like holding your hand."
"I'm embarrassing you." I kissed his hand right back.
"I can handle this interview alone." His eyes got that sexy look again. "You'll only distract me."
"We can't have that." I kissed him lightly on the lips, trying not to transfer my pink lipgloss to him. "Come find me when you're done. I'll be in the lounge."
The student study lounge was at the end of the hall. It was mostly full of guys. I found an empty seat by the windows and checked my messages. I had one from Mom.