He kissed her cheek and she squeezed his arm. “The usual? Although we got some cherry pie tonight, better than the apple.”
“Okay, I trust you.”
As he sat and looked out at the waning light fading from the bruise-purple sky, he opened himself up and took a look. Not pretty. Sort of wussy for a man who’d always prided himself on doing the grown-up thing.
He looked out over the restaurant after his food arrived, taking in the clientele ranging from twentysomething, pierced punk rock emo kids to old guys with sandals and socks.
“You okay?” Gina propped a hip on the edge of the booth across from him. “You look down tonight.”
“How’s your husband, Gina? Last time I was in he’d had some problems with his diabetes.”
She smiled. “Aww, such a good boy you are! Thanks for asking. Don is good. His medication is working and he’s finally taking care of his diet. Him and the sneaking off to eat junk! But you know, in the big picture he chose me over lots of bread and potatoes and boxed food. I’d rather have him alive and with me than not. Thank goodness he feels the same.”
Her husband was a retired air force pilot. She’d worked as a waitress at the Silver Dollar since his dad had first brought Shane there for pie when he was nine or ten years old. They had kids a bit older than Shane. Her husband, Don, had developed type-two diabetes and had been in and out of the hospital as they’d tried to get it under control.
“That’s good to hear. You know, I met someone. Married her. I hope someday I can have as many years under my belt with her as you and Don do.”
She laughed. “Oh that’s wonderful news! You two fighting? Is that why the long face? Let me give you some advice, doctor. Love isn’t enough. Love isn’t enough so you have to work your tail off to make up that last twenty percent. Don’t rely on love, rely on your head and your heart and the knowledge that working and being in love is way better than slacking off and having it all fall apart later. Some people are doormats, that’s not working love. But some people expect the other person to just drop everything. What do you want? What do you want together? Once you know that and once you’re both working on the same team, you’re unbeatable.”
Love wasn’t everything or she’d be there with him now, having given up her entire life to be his wife. And if he really loved her, would he want her to do that?
“Your kids are lucky to have you and Don as an example.”
She shrugged. “We had our moments. Our thin times. People make mistakes, sometimes big ones that hurt. Sometimes you can forgive but forgetting is another thing. But I love that man and he loves me enough to give up all those carbs and refined sugars.” Squeezing his shoulder, she dropped off the check. “You be sure you work hard for this girl. And bring her around here so I can check her out. I’m off shift and I need to get home or I’d stay to hear all about her. You come back in here soon, you got me?”
He nodded. “Tell everyone I said hello.”
“You tell your daddy the same.”
* * *
Dropping the money on the table, he headed out. Was he supposed to go to therapy now? Have someone tell him his mother issues keep him from having a real relationship with...holy shit, he was acting as if he was starring in a Woody Allen movie. He wanted to kick his own ass.
Yes, his mother was the source of a lot of this but so was his father and he was way past the age where he could be blaming his damned parents for being an idiot.
Since his mother doggedly refused to answer his questions about her discussion with Megan, he finally drove over to his parents’ house to demand answers. He needed to move forward in his life.
His mother waited at the door for him as he approached. “It’s about time you showed your face around here. You have something to tell me, don’t you?”
He opened the screen door and dropped a kiss on her cheek before going into the house. The house he’d grown up in and had always felt like he should appreciate but one he was relieved to move out of for college and medical school.
“I hear tell you’ve had a little chat with my wife and I thought I’d see just exactly what you said to her since you wouldn’t tell me over the phone. I figured Dad would have told you about me and Megan.”
His father sat in his favorite easy chair, near the big picture window looking over the wildness just a few blocks away. Shane suddenly got it and part of him ached for his father while another part raged.
“Don’t expect me to do your work for you, boy. Anyway, what exactly would I be telling her?”
“Hey, Dad.” He paused to kiss his dad’s temple and a bloom of emotion unfurled, comfort, he realized and wondered if it had to do with a father-son thing or a werewolf thing. God he was messed up.
Tension thickened the air in the room though. Expectancy hung heavy and he realized it was all the avoidance he’d built up over the past month.
“I’m glad you’re here, Shane, and I hope you’re here to tell us you’re moving to Seattle to be a husband to your mate? Or is it that you chose the easy route of self-loathing and stayed here while your beautiful Megan floundered? What will you feel when she finally gives up and finds some measure of happiness with another man?”
He looked at his father, hurt stinging his eyes and all the words that had built up over his lifetime threatening to explode.
“That’s rich coming from you!”
His dad heaved a sigh. “It is.”
“Enough! So you went to Seattle to see her then? Did you turn furry at her beck and call?”
He turned slowly at the verbal slap. “What did you say to her?” He tried to keep his temper down. She often made him antsy, made him feel his skin fit all wrong.
“What did she tell you I said? I imagine it was quite a tale. Her kind doesn’t seem to know her place.” The bitterness in his mother’s voice cut at him. Why was she so unhappy?
“Haven’t we done enough to mess with him, Sheila? He has the chance to be happy, why can’t we unite to help him? And if you recall, I’m her kind. Your son is her kind.” His father rarely engaged with her but anger flashed in his eyes just then. “Why don’t you tell us both what you said to the girl?”
“Mess with him? By keeping him away from that world and grounding him in one where there are no monsters? We did what was best. You and I agreed! As for the girl as you call her? I told her she wasn’t good enough for him and she isn’t! This chemical mumbo jumbo makes him want to rut on her but that’s all it is. Sex. He can’t love her. She’s a monster. I told her she’d make his life a hell unless she gave up being a werewolf like you did.” She turned back to Shane. “He did it for me and she could do it for you if she wanted to. But she won’t because she’s an animal. You’re better than that. I was just saying what had to be said. I love you and I want what’s best for you. If you wanted this girl you wouldn’t be here, you’d be there. That’s proof enough.”
And it hit him then. Hard. God, she was right. He’d been dancing around this crap and it was right in his face.
“How can you look at him for forty-three years and think he’s a monster?” Shane turned to his father who’d moved to stand. “And you? Packless. How? Why? Don’t you miss your people? Your family?”
“I love her. I loved her then and I love her now and she was so afraid. So I got caught up in it and I thought it was best because it made her happy but now I look at it, at you, our beautiful son, and I see we both failed. You are not a monster. Neither is Megan. The mate bond is something miraculous. You’re not bound to her to your detriment, it makes you better. You are a werewolf. She is a werewolf. So strong your woman. She has a Pack who will take you in, shelter you, give you the connection you need. Take it! Don’t hide from what you are because I did you wrong. I’m sorry. I love you, Shane, and I want you to be happy. You can’t be happy if you deny what you are.”
/> “We’ve had a good life. I don’t know how you can pretend we didn’t.” His mother looked back and forth between them. “We did what was best. Your people wanted him to run and turn into an animal. She is like that. It’s what she does...” Her voice trailed off and her hands fell to her side.
“Go to her. What do you have here? A big empty house? You can be a doctor there too. Megan is there. Don’t you want to be with her? Live in a Pack? You have no idea the amazing future you have awaiting you. If you only take the courage to grab it.” His father hugged him and comfort bloomed again.
“Thank you, Dad. I have to go.” He turned and his mother grabbed his arm.
“I did it because I love you.”
“I know you do. But I am what she is too. What Dad is and I have to find a way to make this work because I love her. I’ve been spending so much time denying what I am that I lost sight of that. I have to go. If you call her again I won’t protect you from a whole bunch of pissed-off Warden wolves.” He hugged her and jogged to his car.
What a fool he’d been.
He dialed Layla and Sid’s house and got the machine. He dialed Megan but got her damned voice mail. He called Lex and Nina’s and finally got someone to answer.
“Nina, this is Shane. Is Megan there?”
“Shane who? I don’t know any Shane.” Nina’s voice was dry but the hostility came through loud and clear.
“Okay okay so I deserve that. But I’m trying to make things right. Can I talk to her?” He narrowly missed rear-ending a semitruck.
“She’s not here. She and Adam are out at the coast for the weekend.” And she hung up.
The coast? What the hell? It didn’t matter. He had work to do and a woman to really claim. He’d deal with whatever the hell was going on when he arrived.
* * *
She needed the distraction. Megan lay in the sun, the sound of the water soothing jangled nerves as she tried to nap. Unsuccessfully.
She’d never had trouble sleeping before but damn if she wasn’t resorting to the herbal teas her grandmother made to try and get some rest. She missed him and his calls didn’t help her resolve to let him go. Damn it.
Her muscles hurt, her head hurt and she wanted him. She wanted to smell him on her skin, to feel him against her body at night. She wanted to make him pancakes and bacon in the mornings and listen to the rumble of his voice through the wall of his chest as she sat snuggled against him.
It was unfair, that’s what it was. Unfair. Why couldn’t he love her enough? He was so incredible, so sexy and intelligent and truly caring but he just couldn’t give over enough.
Gah! Speaking of unfair, that’s what she was being. She knew it was way more complicated than him not loving her enough. In truth, her heart hurt for him because he was raised to fear and hate what he was. Where she was raised to love herself and her roots, he was raised to be ashamed. It was a wonder he was as strong and good a man as he was after the job his mother did on him. And his father too, she supposed. Her father went on runs with her once every two weeks, just to be with her. His father, from what she understood, had to hide his behavior as a wolf, if he ran at all.
It was unimaginable to her, to be estranged from your own wolf, your identity! To not be close to your family. To not have the comfort of a Pack. She wanted that for Shane, knew it would help heal some of his hurts but he was afraid.
She’d been with Adam the night before. He’d listened to her cry, handed her tissues and at the end, he’d told her she had to make some choices about where she planned to go.
“You can keep this up and slowly fade away. You can fight for him, force him to see what he’s missing. Or you can let go, accept he won’t ever come to you and move on. I’m here for you no matter what, I love you. But you cannot go on this way.” He’d kissed her on the top of her head, tucked her hair behind her ear and had gone.
His words echoed in her head as she pondered her options for the millionth time but just could not truly consider letting go.
“You’re thinking about him again.”
She cracked an eye open to find Nina leaning down, holding out a glass of iced tea.
“What of it? Are you the thought patrol?”
“Don’t try to out-bitch the master.” Nina stretched out next to her on a chaise lounge. “Just because you saved my life a few dozen times doesn’t give you the right to be snippy with me.”
Megan rolled her eyes and sipped her tea. “Living with your bitchy ass has given me a lifetime pass. I can’t believe you told him I was at the coast with Adam.”
“Look, okay yeah so I’ll give you the living with me means you can be snippy point. Like a thousand times more than you are. Thank God you’re the calm Warden, that’s all I can say. Well no—” Nina laughed “—I can say loads more, but you know what I mean. Anyhoodle, he needed to realize he could lose you. You have an Anchor. Adam would love to step into Shane’s place. Anyway, you’re at poolside with me, close enough. Your man needs to suck it up and deal. Good lord, look at you! If I was into girls I’d be all over you and stuff.”
Megan choked on her tea a moment. “Um, thanks. Back atcha. But Adam isn’t like that! And also, you know he could be here now, Shane that is, and he’s not. So apparently he wasn’t that shaken up by the idea of me canoodling with Adam at the shore.”
“Canoodling is such a weird word. Who made that shit up anyway?”
“Focus! Everyone keeps saying stuff about Adam and it’s pissing me off. He has never made a single romantic advance toward me. He has encouraged me over and over to fight for Shane. He’s an honorable wolf and he’s my friend.” She growled and took a sip of her tea. “Anyway, you said anyhoodle, that’s sort of a connected term in some sense isn’t it?”
“Now who needs to focus?”
She laughed. “You’re a bad influence on me. Don’t you have a husband to torment or something?”
“He’s off with Gabby and your dad. Daddy and Grandpa all day long, she’s going to be hell to get to bed tonight. Hey, let’s go out for dinner or something so I don’t have to do it.” Nina grabbed her hand and squeezed and that meant so much. Nina knew her so well, knew how tormented she was and was there for her.
“I’m having dinner with Adam at The Dahlia Lounge. Come with us. The whole gang will be there. Then Hiro can be on Gabby duty with Lex and my dad.”
“Okay. Let’s go now so Lex can’t give me those damned eyes of his. You know the ones that resulted in Gabby’s existence to begin with.”
“Ew.”
“Don’t knock it. Hey, let’s call Layla too. Come on, Megan, she wants you to confide in her. She feels so lost right now.”
Megan got up and pulled her T-shirt on and slid into her sandals. “Fine.”
“You two are both stupid. She loves you.” Nina got up and followed her through the house, pausing to call Lex and tell him they were going to dinner.
“I never said she didn’t love me. Again with all that assumption. Lay and I talk every day I’ll have you know. She and I are fine, we worked through this mess, or the best we could. And this time when you borrow my stuff you have to give it back.”
“You love my quirky ways. Admit it.” Nina smirked as she belted in and Megan pulled down the long drive.
“I admit no such thing. You stretch out my shoes, your child gets cereal bar gunk on my clothes and there are so many Cheerios and Goldfish in my seats I could live for a week if I got stranded. Your husband has put me in charge of your safety and you’re a magnet for trouble. You’re unbearably nosy, you have horrible taste in music and you eat marshmallow Peeps, which are disgusting.”
“Like I said, you love my quirky ways. And all the more Peeps for me, bitch. Shut up with the whining now so I can call Layla.”
Nina dialed and made arrangements while Megan tried to no
t think about any of this shit and failed.
Chapter Eleven
Tired but still running on the adrenaline of finally making a decision, Shane pulled into the driveway. Her car was there and when he opened the door, he heard the low rumble of music from inside.
On the porch, his bag slipped from his fingers as he caught sight of her, curled up in a chair, looking out her back window. Ani DiFranco’s “Grey” played on her stereo and the immense wall of her sadness swept him up and nearly knocked him to his knees.
He whispered her name and she turned toward the front window next to her door and saw him. Her eyes were reddened and he knew he was the reason.
She shook her head and he tapped three times. “Please, please open the door.”
She stood and his heart slowed a moment as he took in how bad she looked. Her eyes were swollen, and dark smudges marked just below. Still, she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
“Please.”
She took a deep breath and moved to the door, standing in it to block his access.
“What are you doing here?” Tears thickened her voice, cut to his heart, and his own blurred his vision just a moment.
If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?
The track changed from Ani to Snow Patrol.
“It’s like the mixtape of our relationship.” He ate up every detail of her face, even the tears.
“I can’t see you, Shane. It’s too much. Don’t make me tell you to leave again. It was hard enough the first time.” She took a step back but he reached out, cupped her cheek and she halted, leaning into his touch. Her breath hitched and he thumbed away her tears.
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. Give me a chance. A real one. Will you help me? Help me be a wolf? Help me accept us both?”
“All that I am, all that I ever was... I want to love you but you’ve hurt me. I’m afraid if I let you in again you’ll destroy me.”