“You haven’t found some Heavenly Half, have you, Sotofa?” Juffin shook his head in amazement. “I haven’t laid eyes on it in at least three hundred years!”
“What use is it to you, Juffin?” Lady Sotofa retorted, her laughter ringing out. “It’s all the better you haven’t. And if you haven’t seen it, no one else has, either. Things like this should be secreted away in the dark. But do sit down, Max. No, not at the table. Over here in the armchair. It’s more comfortable. Here you are!” She held out a glass with some thick, dark-red liquid. She thought a bit, then nodded. “Yes, one’s enough. It’s better not to go overboard with such things.”
I took the small glass obediently and sipped it. It really was delicious, almost as good as Elixir of Kaxar.
“Look at that, he’s drinking it,” Juffin said gruffly. “With me he would have asked a thousand questions to make sure it wasn’t poison.”
“Good boy. I’d ask a thousand questions myself before accepting a potion from your hands, Juffin, you sly old fox,” Lady Sotofa said gaily.
Sir Juffin Hully looked quite satisfied.
“And now, you can just relax,” Lady Sotofa said. “I can explain to you the properties of what I just gave you to drink. I don’t mind. You know, back in the good old days, they gave Heavenly Half to the mad.”
“Thank you, Lady Sotofa,” I mumbled gloomily. “That’s a comfort.”
“Hear me out, silly.” The good nature of the fearsome sorceress was inexhaustible. “They gave this potion to the mad, and the poor things immediately regained their senses. That’s why it’s called Heavenly Half —it was thought that the drug would help the mad find the half of their souls that was groping about in the dark. This continued until one wise person discovered that these unhappy creatures hadn’t really become healthy and whole, but only seemed so. In fact, their tormented souls remained who-knows-where. Do you understand?”
I shook my head sadly.
“Never mind. Such are your years. It will come with time. Now you’ll sleep a bit, and when you wake up, you’ll be the same old silly Sir Max. But you’ll behave like a true lady. You’ll stay just as you are, but people will think they are in the presence of a completely different person. To be honest, it’s not a very good potion, boy, for if people want to seem different from how they really are, they must make an effort themselves. And wonder-working concoctions dissipate the spirit. But just this once, for a good cause, it won’t hurt, I suppose. I don’t think you’ll find it necessary to study to be a real woman. You’re very good at it already!”
“Thank you, Lady Sotofa. You’re the only one in the World who loves and compliments me . . .” I murmured, dozing off.
“Hush, and go to sleep. Don’t try to fight slumber, or everything will come to naught! You see, wondrous things prefer to happen when a person sleeps. That’s the way things are arranged.”
Lady Sotofa covered me with a fur blanket and turned to my chief.
“Have we really found some time to talk at long last? You don’t have to rush off anywhere?”
Through a haze of sleep, I noticed that Juffin tapped the end of his nose twice with the forefinger of his right hand, the famous Kettarian gesture. Well, well . . .
When I woke up, it was already light. The beaming Lady Sotofa sat by my side and peered at my face with interest.
“Goodness, Max, you’ve been asleep for so long.” Her smile grew even wider. “Where did you learn that?”
“It’s an innate talent,” I replied in a strange, velvety voice.
I didn’t experience any emotional reaction, which couldn’t help but make me happy. I realized that Lady Sotofa and I were now alone. Had the chief really abandoned me in Jafax? He would do that.
“Where’s Juffin?”
“Home or on duty, I don’t know. I didn’t try to find out. Do you know how long you’ve slept? Juffin and I like to wag our tongues, of course, but in the time you’ve been asleep, we could have discussed all the causes of the origin of the Universe, which isn’t terribly entertaining.”
“How long was I asleep?”
“More than twenty-four hours, Max. That did surprise me.”
“Wow! Juffin’s going to tear my head off!”
“Of course, he could do much worse, that awful Juffin. But I don’t think anyone intends to tear anything off you in the near future. Take it from an old soothsayer.”
“All the same, I’ve got to run,” I said anxiously. “I have to leave tomorrow . . . or the day after tomorrow. I don’t know.”
“Of course you must leave, boy,” Lady Sotofa said, nodding. “But first you have to bathe, and if there’s time, I’ll whip you up some kamra. I hate fussing around with the brazier, but I’ll make an effort for your sake.”
I smiled.
“You spoil me, Lady Sotofa.”
“Of course I do. Someone has to. The bathroom is downstairs, just where it should be. Nothing newfangled or out-of-the-ordinary around here, boy.”
“And I thought it might be in some other World altogether!” I shouted on my way downstairs.
“One doesn’t exclude the other,” Lady Sotofa called after me.
In the bathroom, I immediately started scrutinizing myself in the mirror. Yes, Lady Marilyn Monroe was no longer angular, thanks to Lady Sotofa and her Heavenly Half! I couldn’t take any credit, that was certain.
The illusion was so convincing that I undressed almost with a feeling of panic. Under the skaba, however, I discovered my own body. I sighed with relief and began to wash.
I ran back upstairs in leaps and bounds, from a surfeit of energy. Sleeping for more than twenty-four hours in a chair, and feeling so good afterwards—that is magic of a higher order!
The plump, gray-haired old woman, undoubtedly one of the most powerful beings in this World, was waiting for me at the table.
“Here’s the kamra, and here are some cookies. That’s all there is. But you don’t like having a real breakfast.”
I nodded.
“You know that, too!”
“It’s no mystery to me. You’re too young to have secrets from me, boy.”
“You frighten me. To know everything about me—that’s scary.”
“There’s nothing in the least scary about it, Max. On the contrary, it’s all very sweet. Even your dark past in some, please excuse me, insane place.”
“I completely agree with you that it is insane. Perhaps you might mend my broken heart, Lady Sotofa? That sadist Juffin claims that I have to learn to deal with all these misfortunes on my own. But I’m not managing too well.”
“Good gracious, me. What kinds of misfortunes can you possibly have? All your sorrows are like summer snow: now it’s here, now it’s gone, as though it never was. Just don’t bury your nose in the past all the time or keep dreaming of the future. Today you’re in masquerade. You should enjoy it!”
They were only words, but I felt as relieved as I had when Juffin had tweaked my ear.
Yes, what kinds of sorrows can you have, friend? I said to myself. You ran away from a place where you felt miserable, and ended up in the best of all Worlds, surrounded on all sides by marvelous people who do nothing but try to share their wisdom with you and treat you to delicious delicacies the rest of the time. And you just whine and complain, you ungrateful swine!
“Lady Sotofa, you are truly the best of women,” I said.
“Of course I am. And a great beauty, besides, if you’d care to know.”
“I can imagine,” I said. “I’d like to peek into the past, to get a glimpse of you in your merry youth!”
“To see how that crazy Juffin chased after me, brandishing a warrant for my arrest after I refused to leave the city with him? Well, fine, since now we can have a ‘girl to girl’ chat, I can boast a bit. Watch out, though! Make sure you don’t fall in love—you’ll fare worse with me than you did with Kima’s niece.”
And before I had a chance to register what she had just said, she jumped up and began s
winging her arms in circles with astonishing speed. I couldn’t make anything out—only her hands flickering and flashing before my eyes.
“Well, what do you think?”
By then I had already been fairly showered with wonders, and had begun to think I would never again react with my former passion and fervor. But now, standing before me, I saw a petite young beauty. Rooted to the spot, I inhaled spasmodically. Exhaling proved to be problematic, however. The fantastic Lady Sotofa patted me on the back absently.
“Oh, come on. It wasn’t that scary.”
Somehow managing to breathe out, I closed my mouth and stared at this vision. She was the one who had the famous figure of Marilyn Monroe—whose name I had so carelessly appropriated. Lady Sotofa, however, was a dark brunette with almond-shaped green eyes tilting slightly upward toward her temples, and snow-white skin.
“Please go back to the way you were!” I was nearly overcome with the turmoil of my emotions. “But why don’t you—”
“Why don’t I always look like this? Of what use is it? So one of the young Magicians of the Order of the Seven-Leaf Clover might dream about pinching my behind at night? That holds no interest for me anymore, and I would just feel sorry for them, the silly men.”
Lady Sotofa again carried out her strange aerobic exercises, only this time her arms gyrated in the opposite direction.
“I think it’s really time you got back to the House by the Bridge.”
The smiling, plump old lady placed her warm and heavy palm on my shoulder. I nodded. I didn’t feel like talking. I had received a small miracle, and a fragile little piece of the odd wisdom of the women of the Seven-Leaf Clover into the bargain.
“Don’t be sad, Lady Marilyn. You’re pretty, too!” Lady Sotofa’s joyful laughter followed me. “Promise me that you will try to enjoy your adventure. Agreed?”
“I promise!”
And Lady Marilyn Monroe set off for work. Along the way, I stopped in at the first jeweler’s I came to and bought several expensive rings. Let’s make ourselves happy, sister! I had begun to make friends with my new persona.
I entered the House by the Bridge through the Secret Door, as was my habit. Only afterwards did I realize that could seriously blow my cover. Luckily, no one noticed my blunder. In fact, there was no one to be seen, either outside or in the corridor.
Juffin’s call reached me when I was already in our half of the Ministry.
It’s good you woke up, Max. Better late than never. I’ll be there in no time—I want to see what’s become of you. Melamori and I are on the trail of a very attractive poisoner. Nothing too serious, but I don’t like to let her go alone on excursions like this.
You’re absolutely right, I concurred.
I was happy for Melamori: on the job, and out of danger. That’s how it should be.
I don’t need you to tell me I’m right, son! Sir Juffin Hully snapped back at me. Over and out already!
A genuine idyll reigned in our office. Melifaro was sitting in state on the desk, his legs crossed, still as a statue. So that’s what he’s like when nobody’s there to see him, I thought.
When he noticed me—or rather the fetching Lady Marilyn—he started up, flitted from his pedestal, and stared at my new face with such undisguised admiration that I realized right away: here it is, Marilyn’s and my finest hour!
A crazy notion took hold of me.
Lady Sotofa had urged me to “enjoy the adventure,” and one must obey one’s elders.
“What seems to be the problem, my lady?” Melifaro inquired with tender sympathy.
Without a moment’s hesitation, Marilyn and I vowed: come what may, just don’t laugh and spoil everything.
“Nothing, praise be the Magicians,” I smiled shyly. “Father asked me to visit this place and convey his gratitude to Sir Max and one other gentleman. I think his papa wrote some important book. Oh yes, of course: Sir Mefiliaro!”
“Melifaro,” the Diurnal Representative of the Venerable Head corrected me gallantly. “That would be me, my lady. But tell me, who is your father, and why did he wish to thank us?”
“I’m afraid you aren’t very friendly toward my father. Nevertheless, he owes you his life. My name is Lady Marilyn Box.”
“You’re General Boboota’s daughter?!” Melifaro was flabbergasted. “Sinning Magicians, why haven’t I seen you here before?”
“I just recently arrived here in the Capital. Just after I was born, during the Troubled Times, Father sent me to relatives in the County Vook. My mother wasn’t his wife, you see, but my father always took care of me. After my mother died, he persuaded Lady Box to adopt me officially. Papa has a difficult character, I know, but he’s a very good person.”
“And very brave!” Melifaro praised him enthusiastically. “Your father is a real hero of the War for the Code. So don’t pay any attention to stupid rumors, Lady Marilyn. I for one respect your daddy very much.”
Inside, I was howling with glee, Sir Melifaro respects General Boboota very much. How was the poor guy going to look me in the eye after this?
“Yes, my papa is like that. Crude, but sincere” Marilyn said. “Unfortunately, he’s still very ill.”
That was no fabrication. The adventure with the King Banjee pâté had put the scandalously famous General of the City Police out of commission for a long time. I went on:
“But father doesn’t want you to think he’s ungrateful, so he asked me to come here and find Sir Max. And you, of course.”
I fished out one of my newly purchased rings and gave it to Melifaro.
“This is for you, Sir Mefilaro, as a token of friendship and gratitude.”
Melifaro admired the ring, and immediately tried to put it on. Oh, of course; my hands must be daintier than they used to be. My poor friend could only wear the ring on his left pinkie, and that with difficulty.
“Tell me, do you think I could see Sir Max?” Lady Marilyn asked dreamily.
Melifaro grew fidgety. It was truly a sight to behold! He came right up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, leaned close to my face, and informed me in a conspiratorial tone:
“You know, Sir Max isn’t here now. I’m not sure whether he’ll be coming back any time soon. And, really, it’s for the best. I wouldn’t advise you to meet him.”
Things were getting more and more interesting.
Could I really compete with his Hollywood looks, I wondered, brightening when I realized he was actually worried.
“But why, sir?” Lady Marilyn and I tried to appear very naïve. We opened our mouth childishly and batted our lashes.
“It would be very dangerous,” Melifaro confided. “Our Sir Max is a terrifying creature. You know they even made him wear the Mantle of Death. Can you imagine?”
“But Father said—” I began timidly.
“Your father is very sick, my lady. Moreover, he’s under the sway of his gratitude. I’m sure if it weren’t for the circumstances, he would never have allowed you to meet this terrible person. You know, Sir Max does nothing but kill people day in and day out. And not just criminals. The poor fellow can’t control himself. Just two days ago he spat poison at a lady as sweet as you! He was under the impression she was speaking to him disrespectfully.”
“Why didn’t they lock him up in Xolomi?” I asked, trying with all my might not to laugh.
“Oh, you wouldn’t believe it, lady. It’s all due to the intrigues of Sir Juffin Hully, our Venerable Head. Sir Max is his favorite, and the chief always protects him. If you only knew how many corpses of innocent people they have burned in this very office! I’m a brave man, I like to take risks—that’s the only reason I haven’t resigned from duty. My colleagues, every one of them, are asking for voluntary retirement.”
Melifaro was on a roll. He told one fib after another, and couldn’t stop. I covered my face with my hands and tried to laugh soundlessly. For better or worse, I succeeded.
“What’s wrong, miss? Did I scare you?”
I nod
ded silently. Saying something out loud was more than I could manage. Another word and I would explode with laughter.
“Oh, but this is the Secret Investigative Force, the most fearsome outfit in the Unified Kingdom. Worse things can happen here, you know. Compared with Sir Juffin Hully, Sir Max is a puppy.”
Aha! I thought. It’s not enough that I’m a “cold-blooded killer”; now I’m a “puppy,” too. Oh, you’ll pay dearly for this, Sir Melifaro. You’ll pay for this with your life. To lie so brazenly to a poor country girl!
“I’m the only normal person in this office,” said Melifaro, putting his arm around me. “Why are you so upset? This is Echo, Capital of the Unified Kingdom. You must get used to it. But life in the Capital has its pleasant sides. And if I’ve upset you, I am obliged to rectify my mistake. Let me show you Echo by evening. I’ll treat you to a dinner you’re unlikely to get anywhere else. How about it?”
What a ladies’ man, I thought with contempt. Gosh, do women fall for such cheap tricks? Or does he think he’ll get away with it just because the girl is from County Vook?
I shook my head.
“I can’t, sir. We barely know each other.”
“But that’s what I’m suggesting, that we get to know each other better.”
Melifaro smiled disarmingly. “Honestly, miss, you’ll have a good time. I promise.”
Lady Marilyn and I smiled timidly. “Well, if you promise to behave—”
“Of course! I’ll call on you just after sundown,” said Melifaro, and glanced cautiously at the door.
Indeed, the arrival of potential rivals at this moment would have been undesirable. According to Melifaro’s way of thinking, the beautiful Lady Marilyn would now make haste away from the House by the Bridge to avoid meeting Sir Max, Mr. Bad Dream the baby-eater, to be out of harm’s way.
I slowly got up from the visitor’s chair and headed for the desk.
“I’d rather just wait here, Sir Fulumaro.”
I began rummaging silently through the desk drawer, until I produced an invisible bottle with some remains of Elixir of Kaxar.