“No,” I whisper.
“Yes, Hels. He felt that there was more to Jake’s death than the police report. He came lookin’ for this Helen and found out who she was connected to. Some of Jake’s teammates even thought that the Hell’s Highwaymen MC had it in for him because of you. So Luke made it his mission for the next three years to make it hard on the MC until he got answers, specifically from you. He rained the fuckin’ ATF down on us. All of our gun business—out the window. Sandman got hit with some stupid legal shit that Luke cooked up and spent two years in a cell. Mikey spent a couple of months up in county. He got me on a stupid technicality with my parole, which sent me back to county for another six months. Then suddenly one day he’s gone. Poof. And we suckers are relieved, thinking he has given up on trying to catch us for the big stuff. Now, can you just imagine Ward for a second and who he blamed for all of this?”
“I think I should add that even before this shit went down, Ward made it his personal mission in life to bring you back to the fold,” Mikey says from the front seat. “Preferably dead, but he would take you alive also.”
“Yeah, Ward sent your photo out to every local chapter we have, including details of your tattoos,” Hold says, next to me. “That’s how we almost found you before, but shithead went and got drunk when he was supposed to be identifying you. So, Mikey gets a call a couple of months ago that one of our local chapter guys was visiting a friend that lived in Ohio. His friend wants a piercing so they go down to the local shop named Screaming Ink and he notices an artist that has a different hair color than our girl, but some very similar tattoos that he remembers reading about. Ward of course sends Sandman to take care of the problem before Mikey or I know anything about it. And guess what Sandman finds when he comes to call on you?”
“Vin.”
Hold makes a low buzzer sound. “Wrong name. He finds our good friend Luke kissin’ our little queen. So now the shit hits the fan because we don’t have a clue if you’re workin’ with him or inadvertently spilled the proverbial beans. Ward decides to put a prospect tailing you and sends Sandman back to see what the fuck is goin’ on. This may be what saved you from an immediate execution. Sandman observed that you obviously didn’t know who Luke was and from what he gathered from people that you worked with, you didn’t talk about your past.”
“I never told him or anyone anything,” I say, which is the truth.
Hold doesn’t say anything for a while. I hiccup as my sobs slowly quiet, but other than that there is silence in the truck as we cruise down the highway. I can’t believe it. Luke Carrity is Jake’s brother? Everything he told me was a lie. He never loved me. He never even really cared.
All those small moments that meant so much to me: the feel of his lips against my skin, the rush of seeing him before me, making me feel like I was his world. Lies. Now so much makes sense: little things that he said, things that happened around us. How did I not see it? Was I so blinded by my love that I couldn’t see the writing on the wall, his feelings toward me all a grand hoax?
My hands shake behind my back as my body convulses from the physical pain of his loss. Nothing except my sister’s death has devastated me so completely. The burn of the tattoo on my ribcage representing my love is an abomination, worse than the one that was forced upon me.
“You have to call him,” Hold says, looking over at me. “Let him know that you haven’t been kidnapped. We don’t need his or the ATF’s shit around Harmony when we are getting our business back on track. Tell him you chose me.”
“What?” What is he saying?
“Don’t say anything about knowing who he is. Keep everything simple.”
“Why didn’t you let me call him before you told me then?” I snap at him, this hurt burning me from within.
He smirks at me. “Did you love him, Hels? It sure does hurt like a bitch when you love someone who fucks you, and it’s all lies. Doesn’t it?” A touch of satisfaction laces his voice. He lifts my cell phone up so that I can see my missed calls. “You have missed calls from Ginger, Malik, and, surprise, someone named Vin.” He presses different buttons and holds the phone up to me with the speaker on.
Vin… Luke… whoever he is… answers on the first ring. “Are you okay? Ginger just showed up at the house, upset. Where are you?” He sounds panicky.
His voice tears my soul asunder. I close my eyes as a silent sob racks my chest. Only Mikey and Hold witness the pain that threatens to drown me. My face crumbles. With my hands tied effectively behind me, I unsuccessfully impede the whimper that escapes me.
“Keller! What the hell is going on?”
Hold knocks my knee with his backhand, urging me to answer him.
“I’m fine,” I whisper.
“Tell me where you are,” he demands.
I shake my head, knowing he can’t see me, but I need to find strength somewhere inside of me to get through this. My voice breaks when I start to say his name. It’s a lie.
“V… I-I am going home for a while,” I say, scripting every word before I release it.
“Home?”
Now that I know the entire situation, I hear the deceit in his voice. It spoils the love inside of me, giving me the last little strength inside that I need.
“Home. You know where, right?” My eyes lift to glance defiantly at Hold.
Hold’s jaw clenches as he stares angrily at me. He mouths, “What the fuck?” He grips my cell phone like he plans to throw it out the window before steadying it once more in front of me. His nostrils flare in and out, his rage visible with every breath he takes. Good.
“Florida,” Luke says, lowering his tone inflection, dropping all pretenses. “Specifically, Harmony. Who are you with, Keller?”
“That is not my name,” I say, my own hostility emerging.
“It is to me. Don’t think for a second that what we have isn’t real. It is! Do you hear me? This between us is as real as it gets. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. I have been trying to make it right, to set the record straight, but it wasn’t up to me, Keller.”
“That is not my goddamn name!” I yell. “Say it!” I command. “I want to hear you say it.”
The silence is deafening. My eyes remain solely on the phone.
“Helen,” he whispers.
“You are a liar. I am leaving of my own free will. Don’t ever come near me again,” I calmly say. My voice sounds dead to my own ears.
Hold doesn’t hesitate before bending the cell phone to break it, ending the call for me. He rolls down the window to throw it out. I close my eyes. How many times can I be broken before not being able to mend? The thought crosses my mind that this is it, the point of no return.
“That was stupid,” Hold hisses. “Find somewhere to pull over, Mikey. Now!”
My stomach rolls with a black sickness, the insidious disease brought on by the lies that infest my life. I am infected, sullied to my marrow by my birthright. I can’t possibly survive this agony smothering me.
Hands jerk me forward by my shoulders. My body slams across the seat of the truck, before he tows me outside of it. Hold’s fingers gouge into the muscle of my upper arm. He half carries, half drags me toward a secluded, wooded lot on the side of the road. The ties that bind my wrists behind me, rub painfully against the sensitive flesh of my skin.
“Do you wanna die? Just fuckin’ tell me now,” he says, his face inches from mine. “Goddamn it!” Hold turns away from me.
He leans against the aging maple bark of one of the massive trees surrounding us. The evergreen canopy overhead shades us from the blue sky, darkening the light around us, muffling all sound. The eerie silence is only broken by the disturbance that we bring to it. I don’t miss the tremble of his wide shoulders. I can’t ignore the overwhelming, endless anguish that follows me, and I am tired, so exhaustingly weary, physically and emotionally.
“Yes,” I whisper.
His head swings around at my answer, the blue of his eyes devoid of any trace of the bo
y who I remember, further exacerbating my utter despair.
A small cry escapes me at the realization of what I am asking. And his face comes to my mind. Luke. I shut my eyes, remembering the intensity when he took me, made me completely his. It was real. The love between us wasn’t imagined. I felt it crack the ice that encased my heart and touch his. I can hear his voice whispering that he loves me. Luke. Vin… the name never felt right rolling off of my tongue. Every time I called him that, he became upset.
Luke. So much is clearer now. He hasn’t asked me about my past in months. He didn’t because he… didn’t care about that. He cared only for me. My happiness. He already knew my past and loved me in spite of it.
Memory after memory, each time we were together, plays like a movie in my head: every word, every touch, every kiss. My eyes fly open. Luke loves me. The realization rocks me to the very core of my existence. I fall to my knees, the pine needles below softening the impact. My chest heaves with the onslaught of emotions as I stare at the ground.
“Is this what you want?”
I hear Hold’s voice, but it is the cold metal pressing gently against the center of my forehead that garners my attention. My eyes raise to his and it surprises me to see the tears that roll silently down his cheek. He is not entirely lost, for I see my Hold still in there. This life that cages him hasn’t stripped him completely of his humanity.
“Because it may be the only way that I ever get you out of my head. Four goddamn years and you still are the only one I want. I waited for you to come back on your own—not because you were broke or tired, but because you missed me. But you never came. I allowed you to go, stupidly thinking that you would find out just how much you loved me,” he says, looking down at me.
Inside of me, his words war with my revelation of Luke, and the lie I uttered seconds ago doesn’t apply anymore. It never did. I have fought to get away from the MC my entire life, believing there was something more to this life, and there is.
“You made a promise to me. If you ever came back, regardless of how, you were mine. Do you know why I made you do that?”
My eyes never leave his as I shake my head no.
“It wasn’t because it was the only way I might could have you. Like I said, I wanted you to hopefully come to that conclusion on your own. No, it was because I knew what Ward would do to you. If you made it back alive to the MC, I knew it might be the only way I could protect you.”
“Just let me go again, Hold,” I whisper. “I’ll disappear this time for good. Please.”
He laughs, and something about it sounds off even to my ears.
“Yeah, that’s not happenin’. You see, Hels, there’s a test in me being the one to bring you home. I never admitted that I let you run, but Ward knew, I could tell… and he hasn’t trusted me since. I am to bring you home and give you the choice of blood in or blood out. Either way, I’m to administer your punishment,” he says, his gun arm shaking, “and prove my loyalty to the Hell’s Highwaymen.”
He steps away from me, slowly lowering the gun. His words chill me to the bone. Proving his loyalty means that he dies if he doesn’t return me. I know what the club is to Hold… it is his entire life. He never really chose me when he let me go. It only made it easier for him to exist in the MC without my interference. I see that clearly now. I know that Hold loves me, it’s almost ingrained in both of us, but the MC is in his blood.
“You may not love me, but you will be mine. Death or me: they’re your only two choices. I need to warn you that death is probably the less painful option of the two, and if you choose me, you may wish you chose differently. I can never be what or who you want and all those years of tryin’ are over,” he says, moving to me.
Hold falls to his knees, his face leaning toward mine. The touch of his lips against my mouth sours my stomach, and I turn my head to the side.
“You can hate me with your heart, while your body loves what mine does to you. I can accept that now. Your love means nothin’ anyway. You fuckin’ give it away to just anyone,” he says, kissing his way down my neck.
A shudder of revulsion almost overcomes me. His hand tries to turn my face, but I struggle, straining my neck muscles. I don’t want Hold or his body. I only have to find a way to bide my time until I can get away or until… Damn. Will Luke come for me? I can’t think that way. I told him specifically not to. What have I done?
“Hold, man, we got to get outta here. Time is a tickin’,” Mikey calls out from somewhere behind the trees.
Hold kisses me one last time softly on the cheek. “Don’t think you’ve been given a reprieve, Hels. I am your future, the only one you get, and by the end of the day you will be kissin’ my feet, if not somethin’ else, in thanks.”
I close my eyes, his words causing a chill of terror to race up my spine. He tugs me up so that I can stand, leading me back to the truck. My heart races at the uncertainty of the coming punishment. I don’t doubt his words or that I will suffer before this day is through.
We arrive at the clubhouse sometime after eleven o’clock. All day we drove, not stopping to eat, getting closer to the one place I prayed never to return. I haven’t spoken to Hold since our stop this morning. There is nothing I could have said to change his mind. My anxiety has risen a notch with every single mile we have traveled.
An array of vehicles is parked outside as we park directly in front. I look around to notice that nothing has changed.
“Looks like everyone is here. Let’s get this shit done,” Mikey says, looking over at Hold. “You have to go hard, brother. If you show her even an ounce of compassion, your deal with Ward will be off. I’ll play my part to help her out.” He turns the engine off and opens the door to exit from the truck.
Hold sits in front of me on the passenger side. I watch him tap the dashboard with his index finger, not saying anything.
“I am goin’ to guess from this morning that you wanna live, no matter the consequences,” he says, glaring at the windshield. He does not turn around as he speaks to me. “Do you want me to drug you? It won’t knock you out, but it should help with what is goin’ to happen.”
Oh, shit! My stomach dips, the thought of the coming events terrifying me. I shake my head no. I’d rather have all my faculties at full alert than be semi-comatose.
“What is going to happen to me?” My voice comes out in a choked whisper.
“I don’t know exactly, but considerin’ the clusterfuck you caused… it’s not goin’ to be pretty. Ward would rather you take a bullet between the eyes than take your next breath. I will tell you that he wanted to smash every bone in your pretty little hands, but I reminded him that we need you tattooing at Hard Ink for the club. He said the punishment will have to fit the crime and is leavin’ it up to me.”
“How can you not know what exactly is going to happen if it’s up to you?” I am confused by his words.
“Because I haven’t decided, Hels,” he says, turning around in his seat to stare at me. “Because it has to be believable or both of our lives are on the line. For the last four years I’ve been the lovesick fool who’s moped around in your absence. It fuckin’ enraged Ward. So we have to put on a show for the entire MC. They have to believe that I am committed in my actions. I have carefully masterminded your return where it didn’t end with your death, but I can’t see how it all will play out.” He looks away to reach for the handle to open the door.
“Hold,” I begin, not sure what it is that I need to say.
He either doesn’t hear or chooses to ignore me calling for him. I watch through the window as he comes around to open my door. He helps me slide out. My hands and arms are numb where they have been tied behind my back the entire trip. He removes a pocket-knife from his back jean pocket and flips it open. With the sharp blade out, he leans back to cut the plastic holding my wrists captive and within seconds I am free.
The muscles in my shoulders throb from the stricture of movement for the past ten hours. I stretch my arms to circulate
the blood flow. Hold moves to stand in front of me.
“Don’t do or say anything stupid,” Hold says, leaning down to speak softly in my ear. “Too many people in that room want a reason to kill you. Don’t give it to them. Please, for me.” He steps back, imploring me with his eyes.
I nod. Without Hold’s help I never would have escaped. All those years ago when Tara and my dad died, it was Hold who held me and wiped my tears away. I have to trust him.
He places his hand on the small of my back, guiding me inside the building where all of this started. My breath backs up in my chest, the fear growing with every step. We enter the main room and the hushed silence is deafening. I glance around to see all of the MC guys stopping whatever they’re doing to stare at me. So many familiar faces glare back with unmasked hatred, and even more surprising, is the number of new ones with the same facial expression.
Hold continues to guide me toward the bar and I realize why, when I see who is turned around on the middle barstool to face us.
“Hello, Helen. It is… nice to see you again,” Ward says, his voice barely concealing his contempt for me.
He hasn’t aged much these last several years. This is still the man of my nightmares.
“Hello, Ward,” I say, stopping there. My whole system reacts to the nearness of this monster. It is a terrifying rush to be this close to him.
“You’ve been a busy girl. We have all just been discussing your escapades these last several months, wasting time while we’ve been waiting for you,” he calmly says.
I try to swallow, but I almost choke. My throat is severely dry from my nerves.
Ward reaches back to grab something on top of the bar, bringing forth a glass of clear liquid.