in, it was as if I was seeing him for the first time. Hunger and lust slammed into me. My mouth opened and I swallowed.
His smirk widened and he gestured to my arm. “Use your shoulder. Hit with your body, not your arm. Your strength comes from your core. The hand is the weapon.”
“I want to bone you right now.” I frowned.
“You’re working out. Your adrenalin is pumping.” His hand gestured from his chest to his stomach. “I can’t blame you. I’m a prime specimen.”
I snorted. “You don’t need to work on that confidence. Your arrogance just sucked all the oxygen out of the room to inflate your ego.”
He laughed, but switched his body and punched the bag. It swung away and his hand lifted. It caught it as it swung back. “The shoulder. I leaned back and threw my body forward. You don’t have to be obvious about it. Twist your body. Let your feet help guide you.” He stopped and paused for a moment. “We’ve been sparring for the last month and a half. You know this.”
A single droplet of sweat rolled down the side of his face. It moved to his chin, settled on the cleft of his chin before it fell to his chest. I watched as it went all the way to his chest, making a smooth trail in its wake, all the way down, over his abdominals until it hit the waistband of his shorts. A heat that had been in me since I started, the fury from Shelly and Kevin, had been boiling, but now the flame lit up as if gasoline had been poured on it. I was burning up from the inside out and the need to take Tray and shove him against the wall was climbing. I wanted to push him to his knees, shove his pants down, and position myself over him. I could imagine the feel of him inside me, and my legs clenched. The ache was throbbing.
I started for him, wanting to feel him going in and out of me.
Tray’s smirk turned cautious, but he didn’t move. I stopped an inch from him. I could feel his body heat and moved my head to the side. I wasn’t trying to be seductive. I was trying to hold myself back. As his eyes held my mine, he saw what I wanted. His responded and darkened in lust, but he didn’t move. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to feel the graze of his hand up my arm, over my shoulder. He would circle my throat, cup the back of my neck, and pull me the last inch to him. I would feel all of him against me. All his strength and power. I craved it.
Then I murmured, with a slight frown, “You’ve been holding back.”
“What?”
“Why do you hold back? You’ve been treating me like I’m fragile.”
A slight chuckle. “I’m not holding back and you’re not fragile. You were mourning. There’s a difference.”
For two months we’ve held each other at night. He would pull me against his chest, wrap his arm around me, and caress my arm until I fell asleep. He had fed me. He reminded me to shower at times, even told to dress for school a few days. I’d been a mess, then I’d been angry and demanding as he taught me how to fight. And now, I wanted what he’d withheld from me. I wanted him. I wanted all of him.
“I’ve only slept with one other guy.”
“I know.”
“People have always called me a slut. They assumed I was experienced, but I’ve only been with Brian. He’s the first guy I let in.”
“Hey.” His finger went under my chin and he tipped my head up. “You’re feeling a lot of different emotions right now. You were sad for a while. You were angry. You wanted to hurt someone.” He gave me a half-grin. “You might always feel that, but now you’ve moved past some of those emotions. Wanting to have sex is normal. You’re alive. You want to live. I understand, but I’m not making one damn move on you until I know it’s pure. Until I know that afterwards, you’re going to want me again and again and again. That you’re not going to curl in a ball with self-loathing or guilt because you’re alive and he’s not.” As he said those words, his finger tightened under my chin and I was pulled slowly to him. He looked straight down into me. I felt as if he was seeing my soul. I was bare to him. All the lust, pain, fury, everything was stripped clean until he just saw me, whoever I was.
A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed over it, shoving it down. I didn’t want to feel that. It was awkwardness, it was self-consciousness, and it was pain. I was tired of feeling this emptiness.
He lowered his head, his lips just above mine. If he moved a fraction of an inch down or I pressed up, they would touch. I could feel the brush of him.
Another touch. That was what I wanted. I didn’t want just sex with him. Realizing that, feeling the hunger for more, I pulled back. My heart stopped and fear crashed into my chest. I’d felt this before, the last time I saw Brian, a few times before that. Tray was my equal. He was the all. He wouldn’t play games. He wouldn’t hold back. He was real. Brian had… I turned away from Tray as I realized the truth.
It wasn’t the same. I felt more with Tray than I did with Brian.
“Taryn?”
I shook my head and cleared my thoughts. Moving back to the punching bag, I hit it. It barely moved again.
“Taryn?”
I couldn’t talk so I swung again, then again. I didn’t care if the bag didn’t move. I was moving. I was doing what I needed. I wanted all the shit from inside me out of me. As I kept going, punch after punch, I imagined a huge dump truck coming in and scooping out all the crappiness from me. With a guttural cry, I switched my feet, switched my fighting stance, and swung with my left arm. Then I kept going.
Tray came to stand on the other side of the bag. He held it, hugging it, as I kept pounding. I didn’t care if my hands bled or if my knuckles bruised. My head went down and I kept hitting. I went until my arms wouldn’t lift and my body was exhausted. Even then, after an hour, I wanted to keep going. Too many emotions were still swirling inside me. They were slithering around like snakes and I couldn’t get them out. I didn’t know how anymore.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“I thought Mandy dumped her friends.” I paused, then added, “Your friends.”
Tray chuckled. “She did, but I guess the girls went to visit her last night. Plus, Dylan’s in town again. This get-together is at his parent’s vacation house. I think he wants to try his hand with your sister since she dumped Devon.”
I frowned. “Why am I jealous that you know more about my sister and her friends than I do? I’m the girl. Isn’t that what we do? We get the gossip.”
He laughed again, turning onto a different street that headed out of town. “I think the girls would give you the info if they weren’t scared of you, and Mandy’s only been home a day. I only know because Dylan called to explain it all last night when he invited us.”
“She should be resting,” I paused again, “at our house.”
“Our house?” He threw me a grin.
I flushed and leaned back in my seat. I didn’t even know I had sat forward. “Mandy is delicate right now. She just left rehab. She should be around people who support her sobriety and understand it. This get-together is not a good idea. There’s going to be alcohol there. I’m sure there’s going to be triggers for her, whatever her triggers are.” Why didn’t I know? That was what was bothering me the most. I didn’t know.
Tray’s voice gentled. “You took your sister to rehab and found out a day later that your ex-boyfriend died. It’s okay that you didn’t go see her.”
“They had family sessions.”
“And you didn’t go because you found out your adoption was a lie. You felt like they didn’t want you after all.”
“Kevin was forced to take me and he tricked Shelly into wanting me.” Tray was right. All of it. I shook my head. “I don’t feel like I was there for her.”
“Taryn.” His tone firmed. His eyes darkened. “You were both going through some massive things. Stop feeling guilty. Believe it or not, you can’t save the world. Stop taking on the duties of Wonder Woman when you’re not Wonder Woman.”
I cracked a grin. “It’d be awesome to have those powers.” I frowned. “What powers did she have?”
He chuckled, patting my le
g as the car slowed and he turned onto paved driveway. “Does it really matter? Get the lesson here. You’re human. Stop acting like you’re not.”
“Okay, okay.”
The driveway went up a hill and curved to the left. There was dense forest on both sides of us and when we saw the house, I saw the amount of cars and my eyes got big. “For real? There’s like thirty cars down there.” I didn’t waste time. As soon as Tray parked, I was out of the car and into the house. The living room was crowded. I couldn’t get through to the kitchen, but then I growled and the crowd parted. People saw me coming and moved aside. Sweeping through the kitchen, I went to the patio and there she was. Mandy was at a table, sitting on Dylan’s lap. Jennica and Amber were laughing, but the sound shriveled up as I headed for them.
Mandy saw me and sat upright. “Taryn?”
Her surprise punched me in the chest. “You didn’t know?”
Dylan squirmed underneath her. His hand was on her thigh. She was wearing a dress. The hemline rested above his hand and he cupped her skin for a moment before letting out a soft sigh. She turned to him. “Dylan?”
“I invited Evans. Her and him are a deal now, you know.”
“You don’t want me here?”
She looked back to me. Her indecision was clear, then she shook her head. “It’s not that, Taryn. It’s…” She bit her lip and scanned the table. Her friends had varying expressions. Amber seemed expectant of something whereas Jennica couldn’t look away from the doorway behind me. Then Mandy stood up. “Can we talk?”
I nodded, my neck stiff. Following Mandy as she weaved through the crowd, I wasn’t surprised when people shouted their hellos and welcome backs to her. A few saluted her with their cups. When she headed for the stairs, Tray was coming from the kitchen. He paused and his eyes narrowed. An unspoken question passed from him to me, asking what was going on. I lifted a shoulder. I was about to find out.
“Hi, Tray.” Mandy gave him a small wave.
He nodded to her. Then as she started up, his hand stopped me. “You okay?”
People were watching us with confusion and skepticism. When they kept looking at Tray, I had a second realization. They had missed their leader. I’d been monopolizing him. Feeling a pang, I said back, “I will be.”
“Text if you want to go. I’ll meet you at the car.”
Reaching for his hand with mine, I squeezed his in response, then squared my shoulders and headed up the stairs. Mandy was waiting for me in the hallway. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she was leaning against a wall. She gestured to a room. “We can go in there. Dylan uses it when he stays here.”
The room had a king-sized bed with a set of couches beside the bed. A side room opened off to the right and I could see a door on the other side that led to a bathroom.
“Where are his parents? And what’s his deal again?”
She laughed softly, sitting down on the bed. Her head lowered and her hands played with her dress. “Um…Dylan goes to school in another state, but he comes back when he can. I told you this before.”
“Are you together?”
“God, Taryn.” Her head lifted and her cheeks were red. “You just dive right in, don’t you?”
I shrugged, leaning against a wall. “I have other questions I want to ask. Believe it or not, this is me trying to hold back.”
“Oh.” She looked back down to her lap. “Yeah. I think so. I don’t know. I dumped Devon.”
“Yeah.” I rolled my eyes, but she couldn’t see it. “I thought you dumped Amber and Jennica too?”
“I did, but they came over last night to welcome me back, see how I was doing,” she looked up again, “and to apologize.”
“I don’t really care about your friends or your boyfriend. I just want you to be surrounded by good people. That’s all.”
“I know and I’m trying that. Devon’s emailed and called my phone every day. I haven’t taken him back.”
“Good.”
At hearing that, a small grin appeared. Then she ducked her head back down, stuffing her hands underneath her legs so she was sitting on them. Her feet started kicking at the floor. “As for Amber and Jennica, I love my friends. I mean, I’ve done some bad stuff too. Who am I to not give second chances?”
“You weren’t hurting anyone.”
“I was hurting myself.”
“Yeah and from how I see it, those two have only hurt you.”
Her feet stopped. She looked back. Tears were swimming in her eyelids. They were right there, ready to fall. One did and she brushed at it with the back of her hand. “I have to try, Taryn. I’m not as strong as you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t need people. I do. I need family and friends. I need to be able to forgive and hope that people will be there for me in the end.” She shook her head. “I’m not like you.”
“I need people too.”
“No, you don’t. You never talked to me about Brian. If you needed someone, I would’ve thought a sister would be that person.” A second tear slid down. “You never said a word. I had to find out everything from Austin. You didn’t tell me about my parents and your adoption, either. No one did. Austin just told me that shit was messed up. I hoped you would come to the family sessions too, but nothing.”
The truth had been kept from her, and I was one of the people who did that. “I’m sorry, Mandy. I didn’t keep it from you on purpose, I just…I don’t know what I was thinking. I haven't been myself lately.” I wanted to ask, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right time. Did I even have the right to ask now? “Why didn’t you come to see me last night?”
“I was going to, but Mom said not to. She saw you at the school and it didn’t go well. Then I decided to come anyway, but Amber and Jennica showed up. It was late when they left and,” she hesitated, pausing briefly, “I didn’t know if you wanted me to come or not. Austin told me to go. He said I was being a pussy, but,” she rolled her eyes as a small grin escaped, “he’s not scared of you like I am.”
“Scared?”
“I feel like I disappointed you.” She stopped, closed her eyes. “Man, I’ve been holding that in for a long time. I think, since you confronted me and drove me to rehab, that I disappointed you.” A small and bitter-sounding laugh came from her. “Why didn’t I feel like that with my own parents, but I did with you?”
“I don’t know.” My chest had been tight since we left the patio. At hearing her last confession, some of the tightness loosened. I had five massive knots tangled up inside of me and I had four more to loosen. “Let’s not analyze that. I can’t handle feeling any more right now.”
She grinned, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “Too much with Brian’s death?”
I nodded. I really didn’t want to talk about him. Or Jace. I shook my head. “I’m not keeping things from you. It’s just that it’s so damn painful to even think about it, much less talk about it.”
Her eyebrows furrowed together and her lips pressed together. “You’ve been staying with Tray this whole time?”
“Since I took you to rehab. It didn’t feel right staying at the house. I felt like I was going against what your parents wanted.”
“You were right. They wouldn’t have taken me to a rehab, or at least not to that one. I would’ve gone to some nice plush one where they wouldn’t have pressed me that hard. My dad would’ve told them to treat me like I was a soft princess. The one you took me to—”
“Is good.” I finished for her. “I took Brian there. He needed a place that’s like that. They don’t bullshit around.”
“No.” She laughed. “They don’t, but that’s what I needed. And I think I was tired of lying to everyone. Thank you, Taryn.”
I was struck speechless.
There were tears in her eyes, but as she smiled at me, I didn’t think they were the bad kind. She said again, “Thank you.”
I nodded. “Yeah.” My voice was hoarse and that was all I could get out.
/> “Did you go to the funeral?”
I shook my head. My throat stung. “No. From what I was told, the funeral was kept private. I wasn’t invited.”
“That’s cold.”
“Yeah, well, what do you expect? His brother might as well killed him himself. Of course he wouldn’t let me go. I’d have questions and demands.” I’d have a knife or a gun.
“What do you mean?”
“What?”
“You blame his brother?” She wrapped her hands in her dress and tilted her head to the side, studying me with a frown. “I thought he was robbed at gun point. That’s what everyone is saying. Why would that be his brother’s fault, unless it was his brother that robbed him, but I doubt that happened. You know, since he had the funeral for him without you and everything…” Her voice trailed off and her head lifted. Her frown deepened, and she sat upright. “Taryn? What’s wrong? What’d I say?”
A robbery. Gun point. That’s how they spun it? A hard laugh ripped from me. I couldn’t believe what I just heard.