Ugh.
I’m still trying my best to forget the over the top things Liv and Ryan said to each other as I make my way to the kitchen, where I know the booze is. I grab a beer can and crack it open, guzzling it down as fast as possible. I’m tired and stressed over everything I’ve been trying to do the last few weeks. Now I just want to get a good buzz on and forget my troubles for a little while.
“Don’t get drunk,” Livvy says as she wags a finger at me. She grabs a beer too. “This is for Ryan. I’m the sober driver tonight.”
“How responsible of you.”
“I’m trying to turn a new leaf. After the—” She lowers her voice to a loud whisper. “—pregnancy scare, I realized I’m the only one responsible for my own actions. So no babies, no DUIs and no getting into drunken car wrecks!” She clinks the unopened beer can against mine. “Gotta go find Ryan. I’ll catch up with you in a few, okay?”
She ditches me before I can say anything, which feels like a common theme tonight. And now I’m thinking about Kyla and what she told me earlier, how angry yet sad she seemed. Did some of the football players try to trick her? I can’t imagine it happening now. She seems so in charge and sure of herself. Maybe when she was younger, did one of them—or a bunch of them—take advantage of her?
God, I hope not.
“Hey, you.”
I turn to find Em standing there, with Brianne Brown on one side of her and Lauren Mancini on the other.
I hate my life sometimes.
“Hi Em.” I aim my smile at her, barely looking at the other girls. They’ve always been mean to me, so why would they change now? “How are you?”
“I’m okay.” She cocks out a hip and I take her in. She’s wearing a cropped baby blue T-shirt that shows off the flat expanse of her belly, and a low slung pleated black miniskirt. Her hair is sleek and tucked behind her ears, and her lips are this deep, glossy pink. She looks like the typical schoolgirl gone bad.
If Livvy were here right now, she’d be mocking her hardcore.
“What’s going on with you?” Em asks.
“Not with Jordan anymore, huh?” Lauren asks sweetly, her expression pure innocence.
I’m not falling for it. She’s a total snake, just waiting to sink her fangs into me. I ignore her question and focus on Em.
“Not much. Been super busy lately.”
“Right, have to keep those boys hydrated,” Lauren says. The matching smirks on Brianne’s and Lauren’s faces make me want to smack them both.
“I’m sorry we haven’t talked much,” Em says, and she actually sounds sincere. “I, uh, figured you didn’t want to, considering you took Liv’s side.”
My mouth drops open. “I didn’t take Liv’s side.” Well, I sort of did.
“It’s okay, I get it. You were friends with her first. I can appreciate your loyalty.”
“God, this conversation is so boring,” Lauren says just before she fake yawns.
“I want to go find Dustin,” Brianne whines.
Em shoots me a look, then rolls her eyes.
“And I want to find Jordan.” Lauren hooks her arm through Brianne’s. “Let’s go.”
We watch them leave and Em sighs. “They’re so annoying.”
“Why do you hang out with them then?”
“I really don’t have anyone else,” she says with a shrug.
I actually feel sorry for her, and Livvy would probably yell at me if she knew that. “They’re total bitches.”
“I know. But their bitchiness protects me in a way.”
I sort of get it, though I don’t want to. “You need new friends.”
“I’d hang out with you if Livvy would let me.” Em’s expression turns sad. “But she’s still pissed.”
What can I say? Em is one hundred percent right. Instead of talking, I slam back the rest of my beer and then grab another one, cracking it open.
“It really sucks, because all Brianne does is talk about Dustin,” Em says. “And he barely talks to me anymore. He’s still mad at me too. I know he hates that Brianne and I are friends. I think he’s afraid I’m going to do something to ruin their relationship.”
I should tell her that’s everyone’s fear when it comes to her, but I keep my mouth shut. “You should tell Liv you miss her.”
“Why? She won’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. Telling her that would be completely pointless.” Em’s gaze sweeps the kitchen. “Is she here?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you come with her?”
“Yeah, her and Ryan.”
Em rolls her eyes. “That guy is a total douche.”
“They’re getting along right now,” I say in their defense. “They make a really cute couple.”
“Whatever. Just wait. He’ll grow tired of her eventually and then dump her ass.” Em sounds bitter. I remember that once upon a time, she went out with Ryan too. “Though I will admit, he’s been sticking with her for a while.”
I really don’t want to get caught up in this conversation. I came to Tuttle’s—oh, the irony—to have a good time, not get embroiled in some more drama. I’m about to bail when Eli Bennett magically appears, clutching a red cup, a giant smile on his face.
“Amanda,” he breathes, his gaze drinking me in. “You came.” He sounds surprised.
“I did.” I smile at him. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” He chugs from the cup like he’s nervous, then crushes the empty cup with a squeeze of his fingers. “You look pretty tonight.”
Oh. “Thanks. You’re so sweet.”
He flashes me a lopsided smile. “I bet you are, too.”
Is that supposed to be a pickup line?
“Um, what the hell is going on here?”
Crap. I forgot Em is still standing with us. “Em, do you know Eli?”
“Ryan’s brother.” She smiles coolly. “Nice to see you again.”
“Yeah,” Eli mumbles, looking away from her.
“Please don’t tell me you two are a thing,” Em says to me in disbelief.
“No, no,” I reassure her. “We’re just friends.”
“With benefits,” Eli tacks on, grinning wildly.
“Not even,” I mutter.
Em laughs. “You two are an—odd couple. But I’m kind of liking the possibilities. Revenge sex against Tuttle?”
“What? No. There’s nothing happening between us,” I say again. “Seriously.”
“Whatever you say,” Em drawls, wiggling her fingers at us as she starts to walk away. “See ya later.”
The moment she’s gone, Eli is shifting closer to me, as if he’s trying to invade my space. I take a step back. “Trying to play it cool with your friends?” he asks.
“Um, I guess so.”
“So you wanna keep this on the DL?” He nods before I can give him an answer. “I’m cool. I’m down.”
“Uh-huh. Listen, Eli, it probably is better that we not make a big deal out of this, you know?”
“This?” He raises a brow. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know.” I hesitate. “You want to…hook up?”
“And you don’t?”
This is ridiculous. “You’re only fourteen.”
“Almost fifteen. Next week.”
“And a freshman.”
“Quarterback of the JV team. Next year I’ll be stepping in for Tuttle since he’ll finally be gone. Then I’ll be the fucking star.”
I’m sure he will. His easy confidence will take him far. “So Livvy said you have a thing for me.”
“Jesus,” he mutters, then takes my hand and drags me out of the kitchen.
“Where are you taking me?” I yell at him, dodging people as he tugs me through the crowd.
“I’m not having this conversation in the middle of the kitchen where everyone can hear.” He pulls me down the hall—the hall that leads to the secret back staircase, and he’s opening doors, one after another. He finds a supply closet, a linen
closet, an empty bathroom—bingo—and drags me inside, shutting the door behind us. “Now what did Livvy say?”
“She said you…liked me.”
“I’m going to kill her,” he mumbles, running his hand through his hair, messing it all up. He looks adorable. What’s up with cute boys with messy hair? “Listen, you’re fine as hell. And you’re a senior. If you were into me and we hooked up tonight? I’d be a freaking legend.”
Seriously? “You probably shouldn’t tell me that.”
He frowns. “Why not?”
“You only want to hook up with me because I’ll give you legend status.” He just blinks at me. “That’s not really cool, Eli. You’re just using me because I’m a senior?”
Well, I’m supposedly only using him because he’s interested, so I guess we’re even.
Now he’s full on grinning. “But that’s a good thing. An honor. You’re hot, Amanda. And the best thing? It’s like you don’t even know it. You wear those tight jeans and we’re all staring at your ass out on the field while you’re handing out water bottles or bent over one of us, taping up our hands. We’re all trying to catch a look, or even better, cop a feel.”
“Cop a feel?” I’m dumbfounded.
“You don’t even notice, huh?”
“No.” He’s got to be exaggerating a little. “I had no clue.”
“Oh yeah. None of us would touch you, though. Tuttle made his claim and we weren’t allowed to hardly look at you.”
So freaking primitive. What is he, a caveman? I ignore the warm feeling that washes over me at the thought of possessive Jordan Tuttle. When he acted like he cared about me. When I believed I was the most important person in his life.
I shove the thought out of my head before I start to cry.
Eli takes a step closer, then another. I back up, until my butt hits the edge of the counter and a wave of Axe body spray washes over me when he looms. “But now you two are done. So I called first dibs.”
He says the worst things. “You did not just say that.”
“I did.” He is all up in my business, his hands braced on the counter on either side of me, caging me in. The boy may say stupid stuff, but he has a few moves. And he’s rather persuasive. “I know you were all about that Tuttle life, but hopefully you’ve moved on.”
I can’t stop myself from laughing. I’ve never heard such cheesy lines, not that I’ve had much practice. Eli starts laughing too, and I appreciate his cheesiness because it’s a total distraction. Tuttle’s rejection still stings.
“Amanda.”
Glancing up, I find Eli leaning into me, his head tilted to the side, like he’s coming in for—what?
Oh God. A kiss.
I can’t do it. I can’t do it.
I turn my head away at the last second and his lips collide with my cheek. It was sweet, a missed chance, and I felt…
Nothing.
Not a damn thing.
Eli pulls away and licks his lips, his gaze laser focused on my mouth, like he can’t wait to taste it. “Can I touch you?”
“Um…”
He goes ahead and touches me anyway, one hand resting lightly on my waist. He studies me intently and it’s like I can see the cogs turning in his brain, trying to come up with a plan.
“This isn’t going to happen, Eli,” I say softly.
He frowns. “You’re not even going to give me a chance?” The disappointment in his voice rings clear.
I slowly shake my head. “I’m sorry.”
“Is it because of Tuttle?”
Being with Eli like this, in Jordan’s house, I can’t help but think of him. His smell and his taste and how he knew just how to touch me.
The last time we were together in this house, in his room, naked and on his bed. The memories come one after another. Quick and intense and unavoidable, and then I’m pushing Eli away, a gasp escaping me when the door slams open and I see who’s standing in the open doorway.
Watching us.
It’s Jordan.
“What. The. Fuck.” I bite the words out, my fingers curling against my palms, my blood running so hot I feel like I’m about to burst into flames.
Eli Bennett backs away from Amanda, holding his hands up in front of him and scared shitless. His eyes are wide and he can’t stop shaking his head. “It’s not what you think, bro.”
“I’m not your bro, asshole.” I flick my head. “Get the fuck out of here.”
He sends Amanda a quick look before he’s scurrying out of the bathroom like the scared little rat he is. I make a disgusted sound as I shut and lock the door, pressing my forehead against the cool wood for a moment so I can gather my thoughts. Gather my emotions. My anger.
I count to five, take a deep breath, and turn to face her.
She’s perched on the edge of the bathroom counter looking like a goddamn queen. Her back and shoulders are straight, and there’s a haughty look on her face. Her eyes are a little dazed and her lips are parted. Lips I’ve kissed so many times, and I miss them. I miss her.
But she let Eli Bennett kiss her. In my bathroom.
I can’t believe it.
“Let me out,” she says, the slightest catch in her voice, like I scare her.
Good. She scares me too. She fucking terrifies me. That’s why I’ve been avoiding her the last few weeks.
“No.” I lean my back against the door and cross my arms, contemplating her. “We should talk.”
“We have nothing to talk about,” she snaps.
“I think we do.” I remain quiet and so does she. I’m trying to outwait her, but she’s stubborn and I give up fast. When I’m pissed, I lose patience. “Eli, Amanda? Really?”
“You have no room to judge.” She flicks her hair over her shoulder, her eyes full of anger.
“He’s a kid.”
“At least he likes me. He’s into me. And he has no problem letting everyone know about it either.”
That was a direct hit. “Get real. Being with you gives him bragging rights. That’s it. He only wants to bag you because you’re a senior and he’s a lame ass freshman.”
She recoils and looks away, her normally lush lips forming a thin, straight line. “Bag me?”
Bad choice of words. But I’m in too deep now, so there’s no going back. “Hook up with you. Fuck you. Whatever you want to call it.”
Amanda turns that angry glare back on me, her dark eyes blazing. “You really think I’d—fuck him tonight? Seriously?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. When I’m jealous, I lash out. That’s what I’m doing right now. Lashing out like an asshole because she let some other guy put his hands on her. Put his lips on her.
It’s killing me. Tearing me apart. But I deserve it. I pushed her away. I acted like she meant nothing, when she means everything to me, and I was too scared to face it, face her head on like a man.
I’m a coward.
“Nice to know you think so low of me.” She hops off the counter and stalks toward me, determination in her every step, looking sexy as hell, too. “Move out of my way.”
“No.”
“Open the door.” She’s standing so close to me, her body almost brushes against mine. Tilting her head back, she glares. “Open it.”
I study her beautiful face. Memorize every little detail. I’ve missed her. So damn much. “No.” I switch tactics. “Did you kiss him?”
“Who?”
“Eli Bennett! Did you, Amanda? Did you kiss him?”
“No, of course I didn’t!”
Relief floods me, heady and strong, and she notices. For some reason, that sends her into a full on rage.
She reaches out and pounds on the door, right by my shoulder. “Let me out!” She’s yelling at the top of her lungs, and I wince. “Please! Somebody!”
I cover her mouth with my hand, silencing her. Bending down, I thrust my face in hers. “Stop yelling, okay? I’ll let you out. Just—be quiet.”
Slowly I uncover her mouth and she starts beating o
n my chest. Pummeling me with her fists, one hit after another. She keeps saying something again and again, the words falling from her lips so fast, I can’t make them out at first. Until I can.
“I hate you, I hate you.”
I grab hold of her wrists to stop her from hitting me. “Amanda.”
“I hate you, Jordan. I really do. I hate you so much.” She’s crying. Tears are streaming down her face and her mascara is running. I’ve seen plenty of girls cry before. I’ve seen my mother’s tears countless times. They always make me uncomfortable. Tears in general put me on edge.
Seeing Amanda cry breaks my heart.
I pull her into my arms and hold her close, letting her cry all over the front of my shirt. “You don’t hate me.”
“I do! God, I do. I swear. I really, really hate you, Jordan.”
Her words are like tiny knives, carving into my already fucked up heart. She’s blubbering against my shirt, soaking it with her tears and I feel helpless. I can’t make the tears stop. How do I make the damn tears stop?
“Amanda.” I cup her cheeks and tilt her head back, forcing her to look at me. She glares, her eyes glittering with unshed tears, her lips red and swollen, her cheeks flushed pink.
“Please don’t cry,” I whisper, my throat raw. My feelings, my insides, my emotions, all scraped raw.
Her face crumples at my words, like I just made it worse. I lean down and press my forehead against hers. Close my eyes and inhale in her sweet, delicious scent. My heart pounds, and my breaths come fast. She’s killing me. Ripping my heart to shreds with every shuddery breath, every soft cry.
She slowly pulls away, her head bent, like she can’t look at me. “I trusted you, Jordan. I told you that you could talk to me about anything, that I would be there for you no matter what, and you still dumped me after the blowjob. Just like you do with all the other girls.”
“It wasn’t like that—” I start, but she cuts me off with a look.