CHAPTER X.
Mrs. Longbow taken sick.--General Interest.--Dr. Teazle.--His Visit.--"The Rattles."--Scientific Diagnosis.--A Prescription.--Short and Dr. Dobbs.--"Pantod of the Heart."--Dismissal of Teazle.--Installation of Dobbs.--"Scyller and Charabides."--Ike's Views.--The Colonel's.--Bates's.--Mrs. Longbow dies.--Who killed her: conflicting Opinions.--Her Funeral.--Bigelow Van Slyck's Sermon.--Interment.
Not long after this jolly little gathering at my house, I heard that Mrs.Longbow was sick. Her symptoms were very alarming, and, as she was the wifeof Squire Longbow, and as the Squire was _the_ man of Puddleford, hercritical condition was a matter of public concern.
"What is the matter with Squire Longbow's woman?" "How did she rest lastnight?" "Did she roll and tumble much?" "Is her fever brok't onto her?"were questions frequently put. Now Mrs. Longbow was a very worthy person,and entitled to all the sympathy she received; but that is not to be thesubject of this chapter.
When Mrs. Longbow was first taken ill, Dr. Teazle was called--yes, reader,Dr. Teazle--who had been as good authority in medicine, as Longbow ever wasin law. I say had been--"Things were different now."
Teazle was one of the pioneers of Puddleford. He was there when the firstlog-house was laid up--the first field cleared--the first child born.Teazle possessed a very little learning, a very great deal of impudence,and a never-ending flow of language. He was opinionated, and tolerated nopractice but his own. (What physician ever did?) Teazle never let a doubtenter his mind--he intuitively read a case, as rapidly as though he werereading a printed statement of it. Teazle was about the size of Longbow,but _he_ had two eyes.
"How long have you been attackted?" inquired Teazle, approaching thebedside of Mrs. Longbow, and placing his fingers over the lady's pulse.
Mrs. Longbow said "it was some time during the night."
"Run out your tongue," continued Teazle.
Mrs. Longbow obeyed.
"Very bad tongue--all full'er stuff--you ain't well, Mrs. Longbow; there'sa kind of collapse of the whole system, and a sort of debility going on,everywhere all over you."
Squire Longbow, who sat by, anxiously inquired what the disease was.
Teazle said it might be a sour stomach, or it might be fever, or it mightbe rheumatiz, or it might be the liver, or it might be that something elsewas out of order--or it might be the _rattles_.
"Dear me!" exclaimed the Squire, "the _rattles_--what is that?"
"The rattles," answered Teazle, "the rattles is a disease treated of in thebooks--Folks catch cold; the nose stops up; the throat gets sore, and thereis a kind of rattling going on when they breathe, whether we can hear it ornot--and that's the rattles."
Mrs. Longbow said "she hadn't got any rattles as she know'd on."
Teazle said he would make up a prescription that would make a sure businessof it, as he always did when he was in doubt. "He would prepare a compoundof the particular medicines used for the particular diseases he hadmentioned, and fire at random, and some of the shot would hit, he knew."
"Gracious! doctor!" exclaimed Longbow, "what comes of the rest on 'em?"
"All passes off--all passes off," answered Teazle glibly, with a flourishof the hand, "through the pores of the skin--" continued Teazle; "and youmust also take four quarts-er water, two pounds-er salt, a gill-ermolasses, a little 'cumfrey root, some catnip blows (but mind don't get inany of the leaves; that'll kill her), stir it all up together, and soak herfeet just ten minutes; then get five cents worth-er sassyfarilla, threecents worth-er some kind of physic, pour in some caster-ile, and I'll putin some intergrediences and stuffs, and will give it inwardly every twohours; and in the morning I will 'quire agin into the condition of thepatient."
This, reader, was the result of Teazle's call. Mrs. Longbow was reallysuffering under an attack of bilious fever.
In a few days there was an uproar among the physicians of Puddleford. Dr.Short and Dr. Dobbs had united their influence and tongues together, andTeazle was denounced as a quack and a fool. Short and Dobbs never unitedfor any other purpose but the abuse of Teazle. Sometimes Short and Teazleabused Dobbs, and sometimes Dobbs and Teazle abused Short. Short declaredthat "Mrs. Longbow had nothing but a kind of in'ard strictur', and a littlesalts would clear it right out."
Dobbs said it "was either that or the _pantod_ of the heart, and thatTeazle's medicine would lay out the poor soul as cold as a wedge."
I endeavored to ascertain by Dobbs what he wished us to understand by"pantod of the heart."
Dobbs said it was "unpossible for him to explain it without the books--itwas something that laid hold of the vessels about the heart, and throw'deverything into a flutter."
The war went on--Squire Longbow's friends finally joined the force ofopposition to Teazle--and in two or three days Teazle was ejected veryunceremoniously from the Squire's house, and Dobbs took his place.
The first thing Dobbs did, when he was fairly installed, was to gather up,and pitch headlong into the fire, all of Teazle's remaining medicines. Hewondered whether Teazle "really _intended_ to kill Mrs. Longbow! Perhaps hewas only a fool!" The whole system of practice was now changed. A newadministration had come into power, and with it new measures. Dobbs "didn'tknow but he might raise Mrs. Longbow, but he couldn't hold himselfresponsible--Teazle had nearly finished her--but he would try."
Dobbs immediately introduced a seton into the side of his patient, "to getup a greater fluttering somewhere else, and get away the flutter at theheart, and when _that_ went, the fever would go away with it," _he_ said.
Dobbs moved around Puddleford for a day or so, with great pomp of manner.He had unseated Teazle, and now occupied his place. But what was hissurprise to find Short and Teazle united, and out upon him, in full cry!Short had become chagrined because Dobbs had been called to fill the placeof Teazle, instead of himself.
The war was renewed with increased fury. Dobbs's seton failed to producethe desired effect, and he, therefore, resorted to blistering and calomel.In a week he had nearly skinned and salivated the poor woman, and yet shelived. The fact was, Dobbs was a greater blockhead than Teazle, if thatwere possible. Ike Turtle said the "old 'oman was between Scyller andChara_bi_des!"--Ike had heard this classical allusion at some time,--"andshe'd got-ter go for it--and she'd better just step out at onst, and savetrouble and expense."
The "Colonel" said that he "once read a story in AEsop's Fables, called the'Fox and the Brambles,' and he recollected that the Fox refused to shakeoff a swarm of flies that were sucking out his life-blood, because a morehungry swarm would succeed; and _he_ thought Mrs. Longbow made a greatmistake in discharging Teazle; for Teazle had exhausted his energies uponhis patient, and nature was about restoring the ruin he had wrought."
Bates expressed a different opinion. He was a strong advocate of lobeliaand cayenne-pepper--he was, in short, a supporter of the "hot-water"practice. All mineral medicine Bates declared poisonous. Bates said "Natureknew enough to take care of herself--for every disease a remedy had beenprovided--what we call weeds were all valuable remedies: and he thoughtTeazle and Dobbs ought both to be indicted for malpractice."
This war between men, soon became a war of systems. Philista Filkins, AuntSonora, Bates & Company, raised a tempest around Longbow's ears; and Dobbswas finally thrown overboard, and his medicines after him; and Mrs.Filkins was placed at the helm, and the hot-water practice introduced.
But what is the use, reader?--Mrs. Longbow died. Who wouldn't? Naturecannot endure everything--she died, and was buried. But who killed her?That was a question for months afterwards. Dobbs said Teazle--Teazle saidDobbs; and Teazle and Dobbs, when _talking together_ on the subject, saidMrs. Filkins--and Bates said "_the calomel_"--and Turtle said "the 'omanhad been conspir'd agin, and was killed."
I attended the funeral of Mrs. Longbow. A funeral is solemn anywhere--inthe wilderness it is impressive. In a city it is too often an exhibition ofpride, carried down to the very gates of death--the poor handful of du
st isused to glorify, a little longer, the living--it preaches no sermon,chastens no feeling; but a funeral in the wilderness is as lonely as one atsea. Nature becomes almost oppressive. The scattered population, for milesaround, gathered at the log-chapel, and Bigelow Van Slyck preached over theremains of Mrs. Longbow. The sermon was characteristic of Bigelow--strangeand inappropriate, perhaps, in the opinion of the reader; but, after all,the very thing for Bigelow's audience. This was his text: "Man that is bornof a woman is of few days, and full of trouble!" Bigelow said his "textused the word '_man_ that is born,' &c., but it was jest as applicable to awoman as to a man, for woman was, after all, a kind of a man; not that awoman _was_ a man, nor a man a woman--but texts allers spoke of things ingeneral, 'cause the Bible was writ for all time." In dwelling upon thewords "that is _born_," Bigelow said, "he would go into the history of theLongbow family"--and he did go into their history, with a vengeance. Hebegan with Squire Longbow's grandfather, who, he said, "fit in the oldFrench war," and told us when _he_ was _born_, and how he lived, and wherehe lived, and when he died, and gave us a kind of synopsis of the old man'sservices in the flesh. He then seized, violently, hold of the Squirehimself, informed us he was born "down in the Pennsylvanys 'bout the oldTom Jefferson times, was the last of ten children, whose history hecouldn't go into for want of time--that the Squire hadn't any larnin' untilafter he becom'd of age, and then got what he did get himself." Bigelowhoped his audience "would improve on this lesson, and get larnin'themselves." He then followed up the Squire through his immigration andsettlement at Puddleford, and informed us, I recollect, among other things,that he built the first frame-house, being "twenty feet by thirty-four."Bigelow was still more specific in his history of Mrs. Longbow. If therewas anything overlooked in the poor woman's life, I do not know what itwas. Bigelow labored some half hour over her virtues, and brought them outso systematically, at last, that the list, when completed, reminded me ofan inventory of the personal effects of a deceased person--of thepreparation of a document, to file away somewhere.
The latter part of Bigelow's text, upon the brevity of life, was wellmanaged--roughly, perhaps, but pointedly. He drew copiously from nature, byway of illustration, as all persons do who live more with nature than withman. "The corn," he remarked, "died in the ground, sprouted, grew green,then the blades died agin"--"the flowers jest breathed a few times, then_they_ died"--"day died into night, and night died in themorning"--"everything died everywhere; and man died, and woman died, andwe'd all got-ter die." I have selected only a few sentences, at random,from this part of Bigelow's discourse.
Then there was an address to the audience, an address to the aged, anotherto those in middle life, another to the young, and finally, one to themourners, standing. Some two hours and a half were occupied in the sermonaltogether; and when it finally closed, the remains of Mrs. Longbow weresilently and sadly deposited in the grave.
The death of Mrs. Longbow created a great chasm in society. The"settlement" was so small, that the loss of any one was severely felt. Insmall places, every person has a great deal of individuality--in large,only here and there is one distinguished from "the crowd." Mrs. Longbow wascertainly fortunate in one respect, if she was unfortunate in another. Ifthe physicians of Puddleford hastened her end, its population have notforgotten her, nor her many virtues.