CHAPTER XI.
Squire Longbow in Mourning.--The Great Question.--Aunt Sonora's Opinion.--Other People's.--The Squire goes to Church.--His Appearance on that Occasion.--Aunt Graves, and her Extra Performance.--"Nux Vomica."--Anxious Mothers.--Mary Jane Arabella Swipes.--Sister Abigail.--Ike Turtle and his Designs.--He calls on Aunt Graves.--She'll go it.--Sister Abigail's Objection.--The Squire's First Love Letter.--The Wedding.--Great Getting-up.--Turtle's Examination.--The Squire runs the Risk of "the Staterts."--Bigelow's Ceremony.--General Break-Down.--Not _Very_ Drunk.
Squire Longbow sincerely mourned the loss of his wife--internally andexternally. Externally, he was one of the strongest mourners I ever saw. Hewore a weed, floating from his hat, nearly a foot long. It was the longestweed that had ever been mounted at Puddleford; but our readers must notforget who Squire Longbow was--a magistrate, and leading man in community.And while the reader is about it, he may also recollect that the Squire isnot the only man, east or west, who has ventured upon a little ostentationover the grave of the departed--nor woman either.
Who was to be the next Mrs. Longbow? That was the question. The public,indeed, asked it long before the Squire. Who was to have the honor ofpresiding at the Squire's table? What woman was to be placed at the head ofsociety in Puddleford? The Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, Aunt Graves,and Sister Abigail, and scores of others, all began to speculate upon thisimportant subject. Even Turtle and Bates indulged in a few general remarks.
Aunt Sonora gave it as her mind, that "the Squire ought to be pretty skeeryhow he married anybody, kase if he got one of them flipper-ter-gibbet sorto' wimmin, she'd turn the whole house _en_side out, and he'd be one of themost miserablest of all men." She said, "if he know'd what was good forhimself, he'd jest keep clear of all the young gals that were fussing andfigeting round him, and go right in for some old stand-by of a woman, thatknow'd how to take the brunt of things--but, lors a-me," continued AuntSonora, "there's no doing nothing with these old widowers--they're all likemy Uncle Jo, who married in a hurry, and repented arterwards--and the poordear old soul arn't had a minute's peace since."
The Swipeses and Beagles, who, it will be recollected, belonged to a cliquethat had, in times past, warred against Longbow & Co., "tho't it would beshameful for the Squire to marry at all--it would be an insult agin thememory of poor old Mrs. Longbow, who was dead and gone." (Some people, youknow, reader, abuse the living, but defend the dead.) "And if the Squireshould marry, _they_ should think, for _their_ part, that she'd rise up outof her grave, and haunt him! She could never sleep easy, if she know'd thatthe Squire had got some other woman, who was eating her preserves, andwearing out her clothes, and lording it over the house like all possess'd."
Other opinions were expressed by other persons--in fact, the Squire'swidowhood was _the_ great concern of Puddleford. "He was so well on todo," as Aunt Sonora used to call it, that he was considered a great"catch."
After a few weeks of sorrow, the Squire himself really began to entertainnotions of matrimony. It is true he had passed the age of sixty, and itrequired a great effort to get up a sufficient amount of romance to carryout such an enterprise. Symptoms began, however, to wax strong. The firstalarming indication was his attendance at church. The Squire had alwaysbeen a kind of heathen in this respect, and had for many years set a poorexample; but people, who want to marry, will go to church. Whether this isdone to get up a reputation, or simply to take a survey of theunappropriated female stock yet remaining on hand, I cannot say.
The Squire was "fixed up" amazingly, the first time I saw him at church.His hair had been cut, and thoroughly greased. His shirt-collar covered hisears; and his boots shone like a mirror. Aunt Sonora said he looked"enymost as good as new." Aunt Graves was in the choir that day, and shesang as she never sang before. She blowed all the heavy strains ofmusic--strains that lifted her on her toes--directly into Squire Longbow'sface. Whether Aunt Graves had any design in this, is more than I can say;but I noticed some twinges about the Squire's lips, and a sleepy wink ofthe eye, that looked a little like magnetism. It was ridiculous, too, thatsuch an old castle should be stormed by music.
But the Squire exhibited other symptoms of matrimony. He grew more pompousin his decisions, disposed of cases more summarily, and quoted law Latinmore frequently. It was about this time that he talked about the "nuxvomica," instead of the "_vox Populi_." He used to "squash" proceeding'sbefore the case was half presented; and, in the language of Turtle, "hetore around at a great rate." Turtle said, "the old Squire was getting tobe an old fool, and he was goin' to have him married, or dismissed fromoffice--there warn't no livin' with him."
There were a great many anxious mothers about Puddleford who were verydesirous of forming an alliance with the Longbow family. Even Mrs. Swipes,as much as she openly oposed the Squire's marriage in general, secretlyhoped a spark might be struck up between him and her daughter, Mary JaneArabella Swipes; and Mrs. Swipes was in the habit of sending her daughterover to the Squire's house, to inquire of him "to know if she couldn't dosunthin' for him in his melancholy condition;" and Sister Abigail went downseveral times to "put things to rights," and was as kind and obliging, andattentive to all the Squire's wants, as ever Mrs. Longbow was in herpalmiest days. On these occasions, Sister Abigail used frequently to remindthe Squire of "his great bereavement, and what an angel of a wife he hadlost; and that things didn't look as they used to do, when she was around,and she didn't wonder he took on so, when the poor thing died."
But, reader, Ike Turtle had ordered things otherwise. _He_ was determinedto strike up a match between the Squire and Aunt Graves. So Ike made aspecial visit to Aunt Graves one evening, for the purpose of "surveying andsounding along the coast, to see how the waters laid, and how the old soulwould take it," to use his language.
I have already given an outline of Aunt Graves; but I will now say further,that she never had an offer of matrimony in her whole life. She was what istermed a "touchy" old maid. She professed to hate men, and affected greatdistress of mind when thrown into their society. Aunt Graves was justironing down the seams of a coat that she had finished, when Ike called.
Ike opened the conversation by reminding Aunt Graves that "she was livin'along kinder lonely like."
"Lonely 'nough, I s'pose," she replied, snappishly.
"Don't you never have the blues, and get sorter obstrep'rous?"
Aunt Graves "didn't know as she did."
"Why, in the name of old Babylon, don't you marry?"
"Marry? _me_ marry--marry a man--a great awful man!" and the iron flewthrough the seams like lightning.
"Yes," continued Ike, "marry--marry a man--why, woman, you are getting asold and yellow as autumn leaves. What have you been livin' for?--you'vebroken all the laws of Scripter inter pieces--and keep on breakin' on'em--adding sin unto sin, and transgression unto transgression, and thething's got-ter be stopped. Now, Aunt Graves, what do you think--there'sSquire Longbow, as desolate as Sodom, and he's got-ter have a woman, or theold man'll run as crazy as a loon a-thinkin' 'bout his household affairs;and you know how to cook, and to wash, and to iron, to make pickles andsoap; and then, you're a proper age--what say?"
Aunt Graves ran to the fire, plunged her goose into the ashes, and gave thecoals a smart stir. She then dropped down in her large rocking-chair,leaned her cheek upon her elbow, fixed her eyes upon the floor, and camenear going off into hysterics.
Ike dashed a little water into Aunt Graves' face, and she revived. Afterhaving gained strength, she replied in substance to Ike's query in a verylanguishing, die-away air: "She couldn't say--she didn't know--if it was aduty--if she could really _believe_ it was a duty--if she was called on tofill poor old dead-and-gone Mrs. Longbow's place--folks were born inter theworld to do good, and she had so far been one of the most unprofitablest ofsarvants; but she could never marry on her own account--"
"In other words," exclaimed Ike, cutting her short, "you'll go it."
br /> Aunt Graves agreed to "reflect on't."
It was not long after this consultation that Mrs. Swipes began to "smell arat," as she said. She commanded Mary Jane Arabella "never to darken thedoors of that old hog, Longbow, agin; and as for that female critter,Graves, _she'd_ got a husband living down at the East'ard, and they'd allget into prison for life, the first thing they know'd."
Sister Abigail declared, "she'd have Aunt Graves turned out of church, ifshe married a man who warn't a member." This was a great deal for SisterAbigail to say, for she had been the bosom friend of Aunt Graves: "peopleout of the church, and people in the church, shouldn't orter jinethemselves together--it was agin Scripter, and would get everything inter atwist."
But Ike Turtle had decreed that the marriage should go on. He even went sofar as to indite the first letter of the Squire's to Aunt Graves. Thisletter, which Ike exhibited to his friends, as one of his best literaryspecimens, was indeed a curiosity. I presume there is nothing else like iton the face of the globe. It opened by informing Aunt Graves that since the"loss of his woman, he had felt very grievous-like, and couldn't fix hismind onto anything--that the world didn't seem at all as it used todo--that he and his woman had liv'd in peace for thirty years, and themarriage state was nat'ral to him--that he had always lik'd Aunt Gravessince the very first time he see'd her, and so did his woman too;" and manymore declarations of similar import, and it was signed "J. Longbow, Justiceof the Peace," and _sealed_ too, like his legal processes, that his dignitymight command, even if his person did not win, the affections of thiselderly damsel.
Aunt Graves surrendered--and all this within two months after the death ofMrs. Longbow. The Squire cast off his weeds, and made violent preparationsfor matrimony; and on a certain night--I shall never forget it--the affaircame off.
There was a great gathering at the Squire's--a sort of general invitationhad been extended far and near--the Swipeses and Beagles, Aunt Sonora, andall. Great preparations had been made in the way of eatables. The Squirewas rigged in a new suit of "_home-made_," (made by Mrs. Longbow, too, inher life-time),--a white vest, and he wore a cotton bandananeck-handkerchief, with heavy bows, that buried his chin, and a pair ofpumps and clouded blue stockings. Aunt Graves' dress cannot be described.She was a mass of fluttering ribbons, and she looked as though she wouldtake wings and fly away.
Bigelow Van Slyck and Ike Turtle conducted the marriage ceremony--the onetook the ecclesiastical, the other the civil management. When the couplewere ready, Turtle sat down in front of them with the statutes under hisarm, with Bigelow at his right hand.
Turtle examined the statutes amid profound silence for some time, turningdown one leaf here and another there, until he found himself thoroughlyprepared for the solemn occasion. Finally, he arose, and with a gravitythat no man ever put on before or since, exclaimed,--
"Miss Graves, hold up your right hand and swear."
Miss Graves said "she was a member of the church, and dar'sent swear."
Ike said it was "legal swearing he wanted, 'cording to the staterts--notthe wicked sort--he wanted her to swear that she was over fourteen years ofage--hadn't got no husband living, nowhere--warn't goin' to practise nofraud nor nothin' on Squire Longbow--and that she'd jest as good a right toget married now as she ever had."
Miss Graves looked blank.
Squire Longbow said "he'd run the risk of the fourteen years of age and thefraud, and finally he would of the whole on't. The staterts was wellenough, but it warn't to be presumed that a _justice of the peace would_run agin 'em. Some folks didn't know 'em--he did."
Ike said "there was something another in the statert about wimin's doingthings 'without any fear or compulsion of anybody,' and he guessed he'dtake Miss Graves into another room, and examine her separately and apartfrom her intended husband." This was a joke of Turtle's.
The Squire said "that meant _married_ wimin--arter the ceremony was over,that ere would be very legal and proper."
Mrs. Swipes said, "for her part, she thought the oath or-ter be put--itwould be an awful thing to see a poor cretur forced into marriage."
Sister Abigail thought so, too.
Aunt Sonora hoped there wouldn't be nothin' did wrong, "so people couldtake the law on 'em."
Turtle said, "that they needn't any on 'em fret their gizzards--_he_ wasresponsible for the la' of the case."
Bigelow then rose, and told the parties to jine hands, and while they werejined, he wanted the whole company to sing a psalm.
The psalm was sung.
Bigelow then commenced the wedding process. "Squire Longbow," exclaimedBigelow--"this is your second wife, and some folks say the third, and Ihope you feel the awful position in which you find yourself."
The Squire said "he felt easy and resigned--he'd gone inter it from respectto his woman who was now no more."
"You do promise to take this ere woman, to eat her, and drink her, and keepher in things to wear, so long as you and she lives."
"I do that very thing," responded the Squire.
"And you, on your part," continued Bigelow, turning to Aunt Graves,"promise to behave yourself and obey the Squire in all things."
Aunt Graves said "she would, Providence permitting."
This marriage ceremony, I believe, is nearly word for word.
"Then," said Turtle, "wheel yourselves into line, and let's have a dance;"and drawing out his fiddle the whole crowd, in five minutes, were tearingdown at a most furious rate; and when I departed, at about midnight, thestorm was raging still higher, the whiskey and hot water circulated freely,Turtle looked quite abstracted about his eyes, and his footsteps weregrowing more and more uncertain, Bulliphant's face shone like a full moon,the voices of the females, a little stimulated, were as noisy and confusedas those of Babel, and your humble servant--why, he walked home as straightas a gun--of course he did--and was able to distinguish a hay-stack from ameeting-house, anywhere along the road.