CHAPTER XXII.
Appeal of Case Filkins _vs._ Beadle.--Turtle's Affidavit and "P'ints."--Longbow's Return.--County Court.--Turtle opens his Law "P'ints."--Bates replies.--A Fight.--Collateral Ish-ers.--Squire Longbow present.--The Court sustains Squire Longbow.--Turtle gets into a Passion.--Impanelling the Jury.--Mr. Buzzlebaum leaves.--Mr. Tumbleton upsets Ike.--Mr. Flummer is cut short bob off.--Ike opens to the Jury.--The Trial.--Charge of the Court.--Jury retire.--Can't agree.
Among the causes that were found in the county court for trial was theappeal of Filkins against Beadle. Turtle had carried it up. He had informedthe court and the jury, when he argued the cause below, that he would carryit up if he didn't get a verdict, and he was as good as his word. Turtlewas a long-winded attorney, and what he lacked in brains he made up inbottom. He could worry out any opponent in Puddleford, and drive the managainst whom he had no case into a settlement, or starve him out. Turtleoften said that "a man's peace was worth something, and he who wouldn't buyhis peace, orter sweat. La' was la', and if a man didn't want to pay forit, he ought to keep out of it." It was necessary, at the time we speak of,for any party who desired an appeal, to make out an affidavit, stating theerrors below. Mr. Turtle was a host on an affidavit. He could raise andswear to more "p'ints" than any man in Puddleford.
Turtle's affidavit was a curiosity. It covered _all_ the "p'ints," as hecalled them--"all the 'ish-ers' of law and all the '_ish_-ers' of fact."
According to this document, he set up error in the judgment below:--
1. "'Cause the justis' had counselled with the defendant, and had sworn togo for her anyhow.
2. "'Cause the justis' allowed Sile Bates, one of the jurymen, to leave thejury, and pettifog for Charity Beadle.
3. "'Cause there wern't but five jurymen to try the cause, and there hadorter been six.
4. "'Cause counsel hadn't mor'n half got through arguing the case to thejury, when the justis' shut them off, and forcibly sent out the jury todeliberate on their verdict.
5. "'Cause the justis' err'd in everything from the beginnin' to the end ofthe cause.
6. "'Cause he 'low'd Charity Beadle's set-off, which was agin all kind-erlaw, and never heer'd on in the books.
7. "'Cause the justis' drank liquor while he was tryin' the cause.
8. "'Cause the justis' got inter a passion while he was tryin' the cause.
9. "'Cause the jury got drunk while they were tryin' the cause.
10. "'Cause liquor was sold clus by the court room all the time they weretryin' the cause.
11. "'Cause one of the jurymen warn't fit to sarve--he bein' no voter--orif he was, he never had voted.
12. "'Cause, as he understood, the jury flopp'd a copper to see who shouldwin the cause.
13. "And, finally, the verdict warn't no verdict, 'cause the jury didn'tagree."
Here were "p'ints" enough to overthrow the most righteous cause in theworld. This affidavit was filed before Squire Longbow, within the timeprescribed by statute, as appeared by the return of the magistrate to thecounty court, and the _return_ itself of Squire Longbow was also spread outas large as life on the files of the same.
If there was anything that Squire Longbow _did_ pride himself upon, it washis returns to county court. He had often said, "that he would like to seethe man who could pick a flaw in one of his papers." He said "that none ofhis decisions had ever been 'squashed' by the upper courts. He knew whatla' was, and when a man _knew_ the law, he would allers be sustained."
I do not know as it is worth while to give the full return of the Squire tothe threatening array of legal objections found in Turtle's affidavit. Heargued every one of them as if his very existence, both as a man and amagistrate, depended on the result. In substance, he returned to the firstpoint,--
"That of course he counselled some with both of the parties. He didn't wantfolks quarrellin' 'bout nothin'--a-spendin' their time and their money--andhow could he know anything about the case, if the parties didn't tell him.He was a sworn officer, bound to do his duty, or throw up--if he shouldish-er papers for everybody that axed him to, without lookin' into thecase, he wouldn't do nothin' but try causes. _His_ time was worth sumthin',as well as other folkses. It was his business to see that every plaintiffhad a case, and that every defendant had a defence. Turtle counsell'd withhim first, and he tho't Turtle had a case--but he lied to him, or wasgreatly mistaken, at any rate--Miss Beadle counsell'd next, and he then sawit was all up with Turtle, but it was too late to stop proceedings, for thesummons had gone out, and couldn't be stopp'd; if it could-er been, he'dstopp'd it."
To the second point, the Squire returned,--
"That he _did_ 'low Sile Bates to leave the jury, and 'pear as counsel forCharity Beadle--that _that_ was constitutional right--right-er counsel inall crim'nal cases, thank the Lord, was presarv'd yet--and the case was acrim'nal case, or a kind-er crim'nal case--'twarn't for debt, and must becrim'nal. _He_ couldn't choose counsel for anybody--thank the Lord that wasa personal right--Charity Beadle had the right to choose her _own_counsel--it warn't none of his business who she took--how could any onetake her counsel away from her by putting him outer a jury--that woulddestroy the constitution itself. If the court would jist look inter Storyon the constitution, he'd see how that was; and if he ever did make arighteous decision, _that_ was a righteous decision. The woman sav'd hercase by it--for if she hadn't _had any_ counsel, the greatest injusticewould-er come on't--maybe the jury would-er 'greed--and _she_--nobody knowswhere she would-er been now."
To the third point he returned,--
"''Cause there wern't but five jurymen,' it is said. Well, there _warn't_.What of it? Five were jist as good in this case, as six; 'cause if fivecouldn't agree, how could six?'"
To the fourth point, as follows,--
"He did choke off counsel while they were argerin' the cause to the jury,and swore the officer and sent out the jury to deliberate. He'd do it agin,under like circumstances. They vi'lated the dignity of the court--therewern't no order nor nothin'--everything went on hurly-burly--there was moreracket than if there was a town-meetin'. One thing there had got-ter be,and that was order in his court--he might-er sent them all to jail forcontempt--but he wanted to be mild with 'em--he didn't allers think it bestto go to the length of the la'--two counsel talkin' to the jury at onct wasagin all la'--it was a great contempt of court--they'd orter been fin'd tendollars apiece--but he didn't want-er fine 'em--he took a shortercourse--he acted in his discretion--and he had a discretion in sichcases--any other court would-er done as he did, or worse, maybe. So long ashe was magistrate, he meant to be magistrate--and his court was acourt--and that thing people had got-ter find out, sooner or later."
To the fifth point, as follows,--
"He'd jist submit that to the higher court."
To the sixth point, as follows,--
"He did let in the set-off of Charity Beadle, and he did it, arterexaminin' all the 'thorities on that p'int. He consulted Squire Brown, too,who did business down inter the State of New York, as justis', more'n tenyears, and who had a great many jist sich cases afore him. The Squire saidit was la' there, and had bin ever sin' he was a boy--and York la' was goodla' anywhere. Story was dead for 'lowin' sich kind-er set-offs, and hisworks were all in favor on't--and it would be a likely p'int for anybody toset up that sich a set-off couldn't be allow'd. Filkins sues for so muchmoney for so many slanders--now, then, he would jist like to know, if fiveslanders are worth ten dollars to _her_, if five slanders wouldn't be worthten dollars to Charity Beadle--and if one ten dollars ain't jist as good asanother ten dollars--he would like to know if one don't suffer jist as muchas t'other--and if one hadn't orter be paid jist as much as t'other. If yougo lyin' round 'bout me, you've got to pay, but if I go lyin' round 'boutyou, I hain't got-ter pay--he'd like to know what justis' there was in allthat--he didn't b'lieve Turtle thought so himself, but he was allers tryin'to bull-rag the court--and he warn't goin' to be bull-ragg'd by
him nornobody else."
To the seventh point, as follows,--
"He didn't know whether Mr. Turtle meant to be personal or not. He didn'tknow whether he meant to say, right out, that he was drunk, or not. If hedid, he was a liar. He had no right to slander him onter the public recordsof the higher courts, in that sort-er way. What if he did drink? he had aright to drink--that was his business--when anybody can say that SquireLongbow is unfit for business from 'licker,' then there's time 'nough toblow out at him, and not afore--he shouldn't notice that p'int any furder."
To the eighth point, as follows,--
"'Got inter a passion?' He _did_ rise in his wrath onct or twict, topresarve the order of the court. He warn't goin' to sit and be trampled on.He was de-_tar_-min'd that justis' should take its course, if he had tofight to do it. He couldn't keep Turtle down any other way--he'd used upall the fines in the staterts agin him, and that wouldn't do--he tore onworse than ever--and he'd jist say here, it was high time the fines wereincreas'd. He informed the court that Turtle said, 'he hadn't but one eye,and that he couldn't see but a little ways--that he hadn't as many brainsas an 'ister--that his head was full-er cobwebs or bumble-bees, he didn'tknow which--that his judgment warn't good on a common note-er-hand--that hewarn't up to the school-marm, for she could read--and that he _did_ getinter a passion that the _court_ should have been so trampled upon--for he_would_ presarve the dignity of his court so long as _he_ was magistrate--agreat deal depended upon _order_ in court--and when everything was a-goin'topsy-turvy, there warn't no justis'--he should allers, use jist as muchforce as was necessary to presarve order--and get into a passion, too, ifhe wanted to."
To the ninth point, as follows,--
"He didn't know whether the jury were drunk or not--that's _their_biz-ness, not his'n--they could answer for themselves on that p'int; and ifMr. Turtle wanted to know how that was, he'd better ax 'em; he warn'ta-goin' to--he never took away any of the priv'leges of the jury--they weresacred things to him. When he tried cases, he did as _he_ was a mind-ter,and the jury did as _they_ were a mind-ter--if they wanted to drink, hewouldn't interfere--'twas out of his jurisdiction--he never did dabble witha jury, nor he never would--but he would say that the jury 'peared verywell, listened to all the evidence as men should--stay'd out long 'nough toconsider on the evidence and gin in a verdict, he verily believed, 'cordin'to their oath."
To the tenth point, as follows,--
"Licker might-er bin sold _clus_ to the court-room--but it warn't sold _in_the court-room--that he'd never 'low'd since he was a justice--every manwho drank, went inter the _bar_-room, and thar was a strong _pe_-tition anda clus door atween the two rooms--he wouldn't-er 'low'd a drop in thecourt-room--he had allers bin very keerful 'bout that--they did drink onctor twict, but it was in the _bar_-room--the trial was very long and verytroublesome--and the jury got dry--but they drank every time in the_bar_-room, and not in the court-room--and he was _keer_-ful every timethey _did_ drink, to 'journ the court, to save all questions--and he wouldsay that Turtle drank as often as anybody--and onct, certainly, he moved to'journ the court for to drink, and nothin' else--and now he goes up to thehigher court, and makes a fuss 'bout it--the staterts said there should beno licker sold _in the room_ where the court is held--not _out_ of it, norin the next room--and he'd allers bin a la'-'bidin' man, and allers meantto be."
To the eleventh point, as follows,--
"He didn't know whether the juryman was a voter or not--'twas _none of his_bizness--best known to himself--if he set, knowin' he warn't a juryman, heorter to be proceeded agin by the next grand jury."
To the twelfth point as follows,--
"How in airth did he know anything 'bout floppin' coppers--he warn'tthar--he warn't a juryman--he was the court--they might-er flopped for allhe knew--but he had seen Mr. Swipes, who was one of the men who set, and hesays thar warn't a copper flopped."
To the thirteenth point, as follows,--
"There _was_ a verdict, and it was recorded on his docket--it was, 'thatthe jury couldn't agree, one of 'em standin' out 'cause he was a-feared orwanted to be pop'lar with somebody;' and that was jist as it was gin in."
Squire Longbow had returned much more matter to the court than he wasrequired to do by his affidavit, which has not been stated--merespeculations of his own about the law and facts of the case as theyappeared before him, all of which he said the court "orter know."
The judge of the county court was an enlarged edition of Longbowhimself--enlarged, because his jurisdiction was greater. He was one of theforemost men of the county, because he was one of the most independent. Heowned a great deal of land, and a great deal of stock--bought and soldmuch--and had acquired a practical knowledge of the way things were done ina new country. He had been school inspector, highway commissioner,supervisor, and member of the legislature, and he was now judge. He did notknow any law, except what Bates, Turtle, and other kindred pettifoggers hadtaught him--and when he shot at a case, he shot in the dark. He was righthalf of the time upon the result of chances; and that, perhaps, was doingas well as half the judges do, who pretend to more knowledge in theprofession. He was a stumpy, red-headed man, and very "percussion" in hisdecisions--gave very short or no reasons for them--and like Longbow, didn'tknow a technicality from a sign-post.
The law points in the appeal were first to be argued--if Turtle failed onthem, he was then entitled to a trial on the facts.
Turtle argued his law points in a pile. He flung the whole return at thejudge in gross, playing first upon this string, and then upon that,abusing everybody connected with the cause but his own witnesses andhimself, until he blew himself almost entirely out of breath.
He began by flattering the court. "It was sunthin'," he said, "to have acounty court to 'peal up to--if 'twarn't for that, he'd stopbusiness--Squire Longbow had got so that la' warn't la' any more with him.When he first came inter the settlement, he was a pretty good justis, buthe was as woolly as a sheep now. If he got a crotchet inter his head, youcouldn't beat it out--he was worse now than he was afore he got married thesecond time. The cause below was killed by him--he was 'torney, and justis,and jury--he had 'greed to go for defendant from the start--had knock'd thejury inter fits by takin' Sile Bates off on't agin la'--had let folks in toswear that hadn't lived in the State six months, and nobody know'd whetherthey were to be believed or not; but the presumption of la' was agin'em--that he cuss'd him for it, but that didn't do any good--that theSquire drank himself, and let the jury get drunk, shocking as the factmight be--and yet he warn't a drunken man--rather a sober man--but it wasdone by him to fuddle the jury, and spile his cause--that he let in theal_might_-i-est set-off he ever _did_ hear on--the very thought on't was'nough to give this court spasms--and this court orter for that, if fornothin' else, 'point a guar-_dine_ over him--that he told him when he didit, that he'd foller the case to the backside of sundown, and blow himinter flinders, but he didn't seem to care 'bout it--that the jury _did_flop on the verdict, and the justis' knew it, and his return warn't worthshucks on that p'int"--and so on for an hour or more, until he becameexhausted.
Sile Bates rose and said, "that, 'cordin' to the return of the justice,Turtle's speech was a _lie_!"
Mr. Turtle hurled an inkstand and contents at Bates's head, which besmearedhim from head to foot.
Mr. Bates hurled another back at him, which emptied its contents upon Mr.Turtle.
The court called them both to order, reminding them that things were goingtoo far.
Mr. Bates declared "it _was_ a lie!"
Mr. Turtle said "he should boot him if the word was repeated."
Mr. Bates repeated the word, and was booted through the court-house door.
Difficulties being settled, counsel appeared in court very amiable, coveredwith ink, ready to proceed.
Mr. Turtle attempted to 'pologize to the court--"he had no 'pology forBates."
The court remarked that "it wasn't necessary--the doctrine of set-off wouldapply."
Mr.
Bates said he had no speech to make--the court knew the justice whomade the return--if it believed him, then Turtle might as well cave.
During this uproar, Philista Filkins with _her_ friends, and Charity Beadlewith _her_ friends, each troop ranged round their counsel, were lookingupon this war of words with the most intense anxiety. Miss Filkins hadattired herself for the occasion in a mussy crape dress, a pinched-up hat,and a black shawl, being, as she said, in affliction. She declared thatMiss Beagle tried to "spile" her character, and she felt it, for that whenthat was gone, one might as well give up, and die. She carried a deep-setgrievance in her face, a fixed anguish, which occasionally broke up into asnuffle. She was sustained, however, as has been seen, in her trials, by afew benevolent Puddleford ladies, who had most magnanimously followed herand her case, reckless of time and money, and who said, "they meant to seethe end on't, cost what it might."
Miss Beadle and _her_ friends were a very different-looking tempered body.They were charged to the brim with acid and red pepper. They looked andfelt lightning, and any one could see at a glance that they meant to fightas long as there was a hair of their friend left. It was generallyunderstood that they had agreed to "throw in around" and help Miss Charityout, and her case had now, of course, become their case, and Bates was asmuch their lawyer as Miss Beadle's lawyer--and Turtle, when he got"ramptious," was jest as "sassy" to them as he was to the court, or MissBeadle, they said--"and if they were not greatly mistaken, he'd see the daythat he'd repent on't."
The women who composed these two hostile factions got into severalside-fights between themselves, what Ike called "collateral ish-ers"--andtwitted each other of a dozen or more dead and buried slanders, which hadfor a long time been forgotten. Mrs. Bird gave Aunt Sonora a regular"runnin' over," as she call'd it--"a piece of her mind, that would last heras long as she liv'd." She told Aunt Sonora, who was one of Miss Filkins'sbody-guard, that "she was a _pretty_ old woman to come up _thar_ and try toscreen that Filkins _critter_--_she'd better_ stick up for _her_--she was a_nice_ old woman--a _handsum_ old woman--a _beau_-tiful old woman--she'dbetter be home a-takin' care on her children--she'd better be a mendin' herhusband's old breeches--it would look a great deal better. What if Filkinshad lied as much about her, or her old man, she'd ask her that. Guess'dshe'd make the fur fly some--guess'd she wouldn't-er stood it no longerthan other folks--guess'd she couldn't get along without a characterbetter'n other people--guess'd she hadn't got any too much to brag on,anyhow, if reports were true--s'pose she should rake up all she'd heer'dabout _her_, and go tellin' it round arter everybody, where would _she_ be.Bah! how I hate sich folks," she continued, putting on one of her mostcontemptible faces, and spitting like a mad cat, at Aunt Sonora.
Aunt Sonora was a philosopher on such occasions. She knew the storm wouldsoon blow over, and that Mrs. Bird would be "round," to take tea with her,in less than a week--so she took a quiet pinch of snuff, and told Mrs. Birdin reply, that "she'd call onto the court, if she cut any more of herantics round her--she ought-er recollect she was in the high court, andthey didn't 'low any flabbergastin' in sich places; she'd be in jailquicker'n scart first thing she know'd, and her hull pack with her, if theydidn't keep mighty mum. She wasn't in Puddleford now, _she'd_ find, if shelet her mouth spit bile at that rate."
Mrs. Bird sobered down.
Squire Longbow was also present, to see the end of this famous suit. TheSquire usually followed his cases into the county court, "to look arter'em," as he said, "and to explain things." He was dressed in his best suitof homespun, and also had on his most dignified air. He did not even winceduring the scathing Turtle gave him and his return, feeling perfectly surethat he couldn't be hurt by any country 'torney in the upper courts. He"ray-ther thought he was known thar." The county judge, in a very summaryand careless manner, decided, "the p'ints Mr. Turtle had raised warn'tgood; they were all agin the return of the justis'; and he must pay respectto the lower courts."
(Here Squire Longbow drew his pocket handkerchief and blew his nose like atrumpet, to call the attention of the by-standers to the decision.)
He would repeat--this for the benefit of the Squire, evidently--"they wereall agin the return of the justis', who was an old magistrate, and had dida great deal of business."
(Here the Squire bowed his head, by way of assent, to the court.)
"The court orter say, further, that Mr. Turtle's affidavit was _sworn_ to,and how he could have sworn to such an affidavit, right agin the return ofthe justis', was mor'n he know'd; perhaps Mr. Turtle know'd _himself_, andcould inform the court."
Mr. Turtle said that was _his_ business. Mr. Turtle spoke very short, forhe was greatly nettled.
The court said, "it didn't make any difference--it warn't neither here northar--the p'ints were all squashed, and that was his decision; costs to goagin Turtle."
"Agin Turtle," exclaimed Ike, rising, "costs agin Turtle!"
"Agin Turtle's _client_," said the court, correcting himself.
"That sounds a leetle more like a court of justis'," added Ike; "but it wasa bull-head decision, he would say that, if he rotted in jail for contempt,that is, if anybody could commit contempt agin such a bass-wood-headedcourt, as this had got-ter be!"
A jury was now about to be impanelled to try the case between Filkins andBeadle a second time, and this was no small matter. The whole county hadheard of this remarkable suit, and had talked about it, and each person hadallied himself or herself to the parties. A very small matter will throw anew country into a tempest of excitement, as a very few matters ofimportance exist to get excited about. When the panel was filled, and theclerk had announced that fact to the court, Ike saw, or thought he saw,some of the most violent Beadle men in the county among the number. He hadonly two peremptory challenges, and if he could not remove some of them for"_cause_," as the books say, "he was gone up," as he thought to himself.
Mr. Buzzlebaum, a hickory-headed farmer, with short hair, which stuck upall over his head like a porcupine's quills, was a very dangerous man. Ikeknew he was a bachelor, and he had been strongly suspected of "paying someattention" to Miss Beadle; so Ike put a few questions to Mr. Buzzlebaum.
"Mr. Buzzle_baum_," exclaimed Ike, "you a juryman in this case?"
Mr. Buzzlebaum said he was.
"Y--e--s," drawled Ike, "so I see," as if he had got on the panelfraudulently some way.
"Know Miss Beadle?"
"Yes!"
"You do know the 'oman then?"
"Yes!"
"Sot up at her house any?"
"Sot up!"
"Yes, sot up; don't you know what that is by this time, at your time-erlife, Mr. Buzzlebaum?"
"Well, what of it?" asked Mr. Buzzlebaum.
"What--of--it! Je-ru-sa-lem!" exclaimed Ike, slapping a book on the table,and looking fury at the court. "The man says 'what of it?'--sittin' up withthe defendant _nights_ a-courtin' her, and then wants to know what of it?Wouldn't he be a pretty man to try this case?"
"Sot up _where_?" inquired Buzzlebaum.
"How do _I_ know where! Ever talk of marryin' the 'oman, hey?"
"_Wal!_" heaved Buzzlebaum.
"No wals here; you're sworn now; out with it. Didn't you tell old Soper, ifshe warn't so old and rusty-like, you'd strike, hit or miss? What, sir?"
"Wal!" groaned Buzzlebaum again.
"Guilty as a dog; won't answer; is a-goin'-ter die game, right inter theface of the court," exclaimed Ike.
Mr. Buzzlebaum began to scratch his head, and just got an idea of what "sotup" meant, and declared, "he'd never sot up with Miss Beadle, nor nobodyelse, but he warn't goin' to answer any more questions;" and asking anotherjuryman for his hat, which stood among a huddle of hats outside thejury-box, "leaned" for the door, amid the cries of the court, clerk, Bates,&c., of "hold on," "don't go," "stop him," "bring him back, sheriff," &c.But Buzzlebaum didn't return.
The next juryman who Ike thought was "_dang_-rous," was Mr. Tumbleton.
"Mr. Tumbleton," exclaimed Ike
, "form'd or 'spressed any 'pinion in thiscase?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't form'd _nor_ 'spressed any?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't said that you hop'd the old maid would come out hunk?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't said that Turtle was a jackass for pushin' on this 'ere suit?"
"No, sir!"
"Hain't thought he was?"
"Sir?"
"Pretty clus questions," said Mr. Tumbleton, balancing on one leg, andlooking thoughtfully up at the ceiling.
"Now don't you think--and haven't you _said_, that Turtle was a jackass forpushin' on this suit?" inquired Ike, rising from his chair.
"No, sir!--haven't said any such thing."
"Don't you _think_ he is, is the question, Mr. Tumbleton?"
"Think you are a jackass!" repeated the juror.
"Yes, sir!"
"Very likely I do."
Mr. Turtle submitted to the court, if that "warn't 'nough to break him fromsittin'."
Mr. Bates said, "the man show'd his good sense--best juryman on the wholepanel."
The court thought the juryman was entitled to his own opinion; it was notpos-i-_tive_ proof that Turtle was a jackass 'cause the juryman might havethought so; shouldn't drive him out the box for that.
"Ever been in state-prison?" continued Turtle, resuming the examination.
"S--i--r!" ejaculated Mr. Tumbleton, moving towards Ike, with his armraised.
"_Or_, in the county jail," added Ike, almost in time, and cocking his eyesaucily at Mr. Tumbleton.
Mr. Tumbleton rushed upon Ike, and upset him, before Ike knew that hereally was in danger.
Mr. Turtle rose in a very unruffled manner for him, and asked the court,"if sich a contempt as that was to go unnoticed--a reg'lar admitted 'torneyassaulted right inter the face of the court--he moved that Mr. Tumbleton beconfined in the log jail for twenty-four hours--out of respect to his honorthe court."
The judge ordered Mr. Tumbleton to be confined, and thus the second jurorwas disposed of.
"You live up on Poverty Common--don't you?" continued Ike, as if nothinghad happened, addressing himself to a runt of a man, who looked as if hehad been on short feed, and who had strayed on the jury no one knew how.
"Yes, I _do_," answered the man.
"_Your_ name is Flummer?"
"_Flum_ what?" inquired the juror.
"Flum-_mer_," answered Ike, tartly.
"Well, whose business is that, if it is?"
"Mine," said Ike. "Wasn't old Zeb Flummer your grandfather?"
"Old Zeb? yes."
"Didn't old Zeb Flummer marry old Sally Beadle?"
"That's what they say."
"And wasn't old Sally Beadle, Charity Beadle's grandmother?"
"S'pose so," said Flummer.
"Well, sir, you can just step out," said Turtle; "the statert cuts youshort-bob-off; no blood relatives sit here." And the court seemed toassent, and Flummer left--nine jurymen remaining in the box.
Bates "knocked off" three more for "causes," leaving six; and by this timethe first day was about exhausted. Talesmen were picked up from theby-standers to supply the places of the "missing," and the court adjourned.
On the next day, Ike opened the cause in his best style. He gave abiography of Philista Filkins, and dwelt upon her ups and downs in thismortal life. "He _did_ s'pose, that if there ever _was_ a woman that hadgrief, and _stood_ it, too, 'twas his client, and she was nothin' but awoman, nuther. She lik'd to gone off with the measles when she was a child,and had been puny-like ever since; her father was kill'd by an oak-tree'fore she could do anythin' for herself, down on the Catta-_ra_-gus,leaving a pile of young-uns, he didn't know how many. Her father warn'trich, but that warn't neither here nor thar; he was honest, and paid up hisdebts afore he died, to the last cent; he was a man that struggled a gooddeal for a livin', but he got it; allers kept a stiff upper lip, as tho'the skies were bright, and the sailin' good. Arter he died, they were amost distress_ed_ family. His client, 'bout the year--'bout the year--[Ikestopped and scratched his head]--'bout the year--[he had forgotten when,and turning, exclaimed to Aunt Sonora], When in _thun_der was it that MissFilkins came inter the settlement?"
"_Wal_, now, let me think," answered Aunt Sonora,--"Brumijim's youngest boydied--died--when _did_ he die?--but no matter--but when we bought ourbrindle cow--we got her of old lame Gosander, and I recollect jist as wellas if it was yesterday, that when my boy Jim was drivin' off that 'ere cowfrom Gosander's--one warm spring mornin'--that he tell'd me, arter he gothome, that he met some _strang_-ers on the road--and I axed him who theywere? And Jim said--"
"When--in thunder--_was_ it?" ejaculated Ike again, who hung suspended inthe middle of his speech, while the old lady was fogging away over thehistory of the past.
"I was jist a-goin' to tell you! You needn't get so fluster'd 'bout it,"answered Aunt Sonora--"where was I--O, yes! Jim said, when I axed him--that_he_ didn't know who they were--guess'd 'twas sumbody that was movin' in tosettle--he tell'd me that the woman had on an old legun bunnit--andarterwards I found out that _that_ very woman was Philista Filkins. Nowyou've got it," concluded Aunt Sonora.
As Ike was no wiser than he was before, and he could not wait toinvestigate the point any further, he proceeded: "At any rate, his clientcame inter Puddleford, and had been one of the fust 'mong 'em ever sin'. Hewarn't goin' to repeat what he said afore the court below, _now_, he wouldwait 'til he summ'd up. He warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the unspottedcharacter of his client; he warn't goin' to say nothin' 'bout the defendantnuther. He warn't a-goin' to say how she would lie, nor how she went arounda-backbitin' everybody she could get a dab at; there were twenty personswithin the sound of his voice that know'd that--that know'd the woman likea book."
"Yes, sir-_ee_!" exclaimed a voice from the crowd, being one of Filkins'supporters.
"Silence!" roared the court.
"You hear _that_, don't you, gentle_men_? They know her like a book."
"No! he warn't goin' to say anythin' 'bout the defendant now. He _might_say enough 'bout her to blow her sky-high; perhaps she wouldn't _steal_, hedidn't think she would, but folks who _do_ lie, will steal; but she hadn'tstole nothin' _yet_, as he know'd on; he warn't goin' to _say_ so 'tanyrate;" and thus Ike rambled on for more than an hour before the jury, inthe opening of his cause, touching upon almost everything connected withthe rise of Puddleford, and closed by saying, "That they only claimed tendollars damages; but 'twern't the money they were arter; 'twas the greatprinciple; his client scorned money as pay for _her_ character; she'd nevertouch a cent on't so long as her name was Filkins--and he might as well saythat he, as her counsel, had 'vised her to give every jot on't to somerelig_us_ institution, or to orphin children, and she'd _do_ it too--catchher takin' that money!"
Bates occupied about as much time as Turtle did in opening for the defence;the law permitting both counsel to open together, if they chose to do so;and he finished his speech by reading Squire Longbow's return to the jury,which he said was more full than anything he could say.
The trial went forward. But I shall not attempt to detail the vicissitudeswhich accompanied it for two days. Every question and every answer wasobjected to, and entered by the court formally on the record. The lie wasgiven backward and forward a dozen times or more; the court had often beenobliged to interfere through the sheriff--all the witnesses on the part ofthe plaintiff were impeached by the defendant's witnesses, who swore theirreputation for truth and veracity was bad, and that they would not believethem under oath; all the witnesses on the part of the defendant were alsoimpeached for the same reason. Of course the reputation of the witnesseshad been utterly destroyed before the trial came on, and long before, byeach backbiting the other; and when the trial closed, and the argumentswere ended, the case, if it could have been painted, would have looked verymuch like a militia training, without beginning, middle, or end, form orsubstance, and the jury were about as wise as if they just awoke from aha
rd nightmare.
The court charged the jury--and _such_ a charge was never "fired off" byany man outside of a new country.
Some hundred "p'ints of la'" had been handed up by Turtle and Bates, whichthey said must be noticed--but Turtle's law and Bates's law were inconflict--but each one declared that _his_ law was _the_ law--and theywere, they said, ready, if necessary, to swear to it before any tribunal.
The judge went off with his charge upon the same principle that a man firesan old musket into a tree, where he supposes a bird is concealed. Some ofthe shot must hit, and the rest won't do any harm, anyhow.
He told the jury that _he_ had got somethin' to say now--he was the judgeof the court, and the jury must pay special attention to what he had tooffer. 'Torneys were paid for their talk, and the jury could believe 'emjest so far as they were a mind-ter and no furder--the law come fromhim--if he made a mistake in the law, it was none of the jury's business,that would be straightened out somewhere else, by some_body_ else. Hewould proceed now. The action was trespass.
"Not by a long shot!" said Turtle, rising.
"Or," continued the judge, "a-kinder trespass--it was one woman a-tryin' tocarry away another woman's character. Now, gentlemen, there has been agreat deal of evidence in _this_ case, and it don't all 'mount to muchnuther--"
"'Cept to that part of the charge!" exclaimed Ike. "'Don't 'mount to muchnuther."
"That is," continued the judge, "there ain't much on't to the p'int--andwhen evidence ain't to the p'int, the court will knock it outer the case,if a row of 'ceptions is filed as long as the moral law. Now take theimpeaching testimony--what does that all amount to?--why justthis:--Filkins' witnesses don't believe Beadle's witnesses, and so theyswear--Beadle's witnesses don't believe Filkins' witnesses, and so _they_swear--and so the witnesses on one side are just as good as the witnesseson t'other side, and you must believe them _all_, just as fur, gentlemen ofthe jury, as if none of 'em had been impeached; and the court tells you so.Any objection to _that_, Mr. Turtle?"
Turtle said nothing.
"No objection to that, then. Now, then, gentlemen, the defendant below setoff slanderous words agin slanderous words she had used agin the plaintiff,and I let it in agin here, and Mr. Turtle objected. Gentlemen of the jury,Mr. Turtle _would_ object, of course--he is 'torney for plaintiff, but Itell you the set-off is _law_, and I agree with Squire Longbow, who let itin. It was right."
Squire Longbow drew his handkerchief and blew a heavy blast out of his noseat this compliment.
"Now, then, gentlemen, slander is slander--you all know what slander is--asI said before, it is slander--it ain't refusing to pay one's debts--itain't 'zactly takin' one's property--though character is a kinderproperty--it ain't stealin'--but--but--it is slander--if you lie 'bout me,'tis slander--if I lie 'bout you, 'tis slander--if anybody lies 'boutanybody, 'tis slander--it don't matter _what_ anybody says 'bout anybody,if 'tis a lie, 'tis slander. You can now see, gentlemen of the jury, whatslander is--how the law looks at slander--how it is laid down in the books.This action is for slander--and if I should examine all the books, and gointer the hull subject fully, you would not know any more 'bout slander,gentlemen, than you know 'bout slander now. Any objection to that, Mr.Turtle?"
No objection was raised.
"Now, then," continued the court, "you're to look the evidence all over,and if you b'lieve the plaintiff has slandered the defendant--I say, _if_you b'lieve it--the court has its own notions on _that_ subject too--but'tain't for the court to say--I say, _if_ you b'lieve, gentlemen, theplaintiff _has_ slander'd the defendant--if you b'lieve it upon youroaths--you're under oath, gentlemen--you should never forget you're underoath, gentlemen--very solemn duty, gentlemen, you've got-to perform--I say_if_--after looking all the testimony all over, you b'lieve it on youroaths--why, then, gentlemen, the court tells you, gentlemen, that you mustrender a verdict for the plaintiff, gentlemen, you must. But if,gentlemen--and here comes the p'int--the great p'int for you to consider,gentlemen, under oath--if you b'lieve the defendant has _not_ slandered theplaintiff, gentlemen--it's a hard charge, slander is, gentlemen--if youb'lieve the defendant has not slandered the plaintiff, why, then, renderthe verdict for the defendant. Mr. Clerk, swear an officer to take chargeof this jury."
The jury retired and deliberated one day and one night--but could notagree. They returned into court, and were again charged on some law points,about which they differed, they said--they retired again, and afterquarrelling another half a day, came into court once more, and declaredthey differed this time about the evidence. The court set them right uponthe particular disputed point of testimony, as _he_ understood it, whenthey appeared a third time, and the foreman announced that they could notagree any way, and they wouldn't go out again for the court, or anybodyelse--and thus forever was ended the famous trial between Filkins andBeadle.