My palms gripped the steering wheel tightly as the familiar intersection came into view. Please don’t turn red. Please don’t turn red. Slowing down to a stop as the traffic light flicked from yellow to red, panic quickly swept through me like a tidal wave. This intersection, the corner of Nile and Anderson, belonged to Candice. It was the intersection where she’d been ripped away from me. The world moved around me but I was frozen as memories and regret flooded me as they always did. If only I hadn’t called her that night. No matter what anyone tried to make me believe, I would never stop blaming myself for it. I remembered like it was yesterday when I opened the door to find Tanzi and Candice’s dad.
Walking through the apartment Candice and I now called home, I couldn’t have felt more alive. One week ago, we’d moved into what we called our perfect apartment. I threw my books and keys on the couch, and the sound of my keys hitting the tile floor echoed off the walls.
Thank fuck it was the weekend. My weekend plans included a bonfire and drinks on the beach with Tanzi, Blake, Candice, and a few other friends. After a week of finals, we could finally let off some steam. This weekend had extra significance though. I swallowed hard as my hands found the small box in my pocket. This weekend I was planning on popping the question. Things had been going so well with Candice, and I knew this was the next step. We were still so young, but there was innocence about our relationship, and I didn’t give a shit what anyone else said. Blake always said that our relationship was boring and that he’d seen the spark fade out of my eyes the moment Candice and I had ‘settled,’ but I didn’t see it like that. I grabbed my phone out of my bag as a sudden urge for pizza and beer swept through me. Candice would have been almost due to leave to make her way home.
“Hey, babe, I am just on the—” Candice’s cheery voice said when she answered before she got cut off.
I laughed softly to myself. Candice’s phone was notorious for dropping calls, but she wouldn’t let me buy her a new one. I stumbled into the shower to wash off the remains of a day stuck in a stuffy lecture room and to get ready for the night ahead.
Three hours later, there was still no word from Candice.
I opened the door to the sound of loud knocking and was greeted by a distraught Tanzi and Candice’s father.
“Tate,” Tanzi choked out and collapsed into my arms. I looked between Tanzi and Candice’s Dad and instantly knew. Candice was no longer with me.
The honk of a horn behind me threw me back into reality. I waved an apology to the car behind me, put my Jeep into gear, and sped away from that god-awful intersection. I rolled down the car window and my mood lifted as the scent of the ocean flittered through my car and the cool breeze hit my face. I veered into the parking lot of Davis’ Lookout, one of my most favorite places in the world. Sitting in the driver’s seat, I debated with myself whether to get out of not. The tightness in my chest ached. This place held so many memories.
Rubbing my sweaty palms on my pants, I exhaled loudly. More than anything in this world I wanted the shadows of my past to stop darkening my future with Sav, and I knew I needed to do this. With a shaky hand, I opened the car door and stepped out into the sunshine before walking to the solitary wooden bench that overlooked the ocean. I closed my eyes and threw my head back as the sun’s rays danced over my skin. The sound of the waves crashing was like music to my ears, providing an uneasy peace for my turbulent mind—a mind being taken over by thoughts of Candice and my dad. I opened my heavy eyes and looked out over the ocean and swallowed hard.
“Candice, this was our place, the place I first took you on a date, where we first kissed, and where I first said I love you. You were everything to me. I think about you every day, and I remember everything about you.”
My throat tightened and my chest constricted. I took a deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut, begging myself to continue.
“I’ve met someone, Candy, and the guilt I am feeling because I’ve fallen in love is strangling me. Her name is Savannah, and I think you would have really liked her. She is feisty and sassy, and she doesn’t put up with my bullshit. I am so in love with her. She has allowed me to heal from losing you. She has given me the biggest gift anyone could ever give me. She has given me my life back. I am happy. I will never ever forget you, but I am feeling things I’ve never felt before. Sav and I are having a baby, Candice. I am going to be a father. I am scared though because I don’t want to turn into Dad, and you know how I feel about that. You were the first to hold my heart. You showed me how to love, and for that you will always own a piece of my heart, but I need to move on without feeling guilty. It isn’t fair to Sav. I am so sorry for everything that happened. I am sorry that I called, I am sorry that you answered the phone, and I am sorry that I couldn’t protect you.”
I swallowed hard as the familiar lump in my throat rose just like it did every time I thought of Candice. Rubbing my chest with my shaking hands, I tried desperately to loosen the tightness that was crushing me. Could life really give you two amazing people in your life? Candice had been my world but Sav was now my universe. She needed to know.
Me: Please know that even if I haven’t spoken to you I am thinking of you. You are the only one I think of. I love you.
At that moment, I realized more than anything that I needed to be in New York.
The sun above me shaded as clouds swept through. It was a peace I needed. Candice and I had always come to the beach on cloudy days. The perfect sunny day with not one cloud in the sky was now shaded by a single cloud. I looked up and relief swept through me like a freight train. I wasn’t a spiritual man, but at that moment, it felt like Candice was giving me a sign that it was okay to move on, to live my life, to give myself completely to Sav and Jellybean. My phone suddenly beeped in my hand.
Sav: What I feel for you is indescribable. The right words are never enough. I miss you.
And just like that, Savannah could make every one of my insecurities disappear into thin air.
I parked my Jeep in the driveway and looked over the house that would always be my home. Mom kept it immaculate. The lawn was groomed to perfection and the gardens that were her pride and joy were bursting with color. This place was the epitome of a beach house, with its antique white shutters, wooden panelling, and mocha-colored pillars. It was perfect.
The front door swung open, and the look on Mom’s face was priceless. She grabbed both of my hands and squeezed them tightly. “Hi, darling! What brings you here?”
“I needed to come and see my Mom.”
A smile overtook her face and her blue eyes twinkled with happiness. Wrapping her arms around me, she hugged me so tightly that the air escaped my lungs. I may be twenty-five years old but I was and always would be a momma’s boy, and I wasn’t afraid to admit it. The things my mom had sacrificed for Tanzi and me were indescribable, and I knew for the rest of my life I would always be making it up to her even though I would never tell her that. I made that mistake once and had been clipped around the ear and told not to be stupid. Obviously Tanzi and I get our feistiness from her.
I followed Mom through the foyer and down the hall towards the kitchen, and the smell of freshly baked red velvet cupcakes lingered through the air. I looked at her suspiciously as a smile swept over her face. “Your sister may have called to tell me of your visit.”
The walls surrounding me contained so many amazing memories, and every time I came for a visit they flooded my mind. It was the perfect place to grow up. It was the type of house you dreamed of growing up in. It was only steps away from the ocean and away from the hustle and bustle of the city. My love of surfing was destined the moment we moved here when I was five. This house had served Tanzi and me well during our crazy high school and college years. I couldn’t count the amount of times we had stumbled home drunk, clutching each other for support after drinking around a bonfire on the beach with our friends.
/> “How are Sav and my little grandchild?” Mom asked, her eyes glistening with excitement.
Mom’s face lit up like a Christmas tree every time she spoke of Sav, and that just cemented how incredible Sav was. Mom had always been overly protective of Tanzi and me, and it all boiled down to our prick of a father leaving. She’d seen us suffer and she didn’t want that to happen again. Fuck, when she first met Jack, she gave him hell. He had to prove himself over and over again that he was worthy of Tanzi.
To be honest, I’d been shitting my pants at the thought of telling Mom about Jellybean, but Sav had invited her to LA and used her usual charm, and Mom was over the moon at the thought of becoming a grandma. I thought she’d been shocked that I was actually in a committed relationship and using the L word, but when Sav and I told her we were having a baby, her reaction was something else. It wasn’t just Mom that it affected; I knew Sav was struggling when we were telling people. Not that she was scared. It was more so that she wasn’t able to tell her parents. I could see it in her eyes that she was constantly thinking about her parents, and it killed me that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
“They are good. Still in New York.” I spoke softly, picking at one of the cupcakes I had grabbed from the cooling tray.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, the blue eyes I had inherited looking back at me.
“I freaked out when she left, Mom. I can’t stop thinking that I am going to become Dad and I can’t stop thinking that I am going to fuck everything up.”
Mom’s eyes narrowed in at me. “Language, Tate.”
“Sorry, Mom, but I am scared. Not scared of having a baby with Sav. Scared that I am going to screw it up.”
“Does Sav know that? Does she know that you are committed to her and this baby and that it isn’t her or the pregnancy that you are scared of? Because, my boy, if you have put that fear in her it will crush her. The way she looks at you and speaks of you, I know you are it for her because it’s the same way you look at and speak about her. You two need to get this right. Otherwise you will be alone because no one can match the love you have for each other.”
I looked at my mom as realization hit hard. She hadn’t met anyone since Dad left. Was my Dad it for her? I knew they were high school sweethearts that went to college together and then Mom got pregnant with me and Tanzi when she was twenty-one. Mom was Sav’s age when Dad left.
“Is that what Dad was to you?”
“This isn’t about me and your father, Tate. This is about you and Savannah.”
“Do you think I am going to make a good dad?” My voice was timid but my question brutal. I was still trying to get my head around the thought of being a father. Shit, it was barely six months ago that my plan was to be a bachelor for life, living only for myself and my selfish needs. But then as if the world shuffled its deck of cards, I was dealt a beautiful, stubborn, frustrating Australian named Savannah and I felt like I’d won the best hand of cards of my life.
“If I raised you right, you will be the best dad you can be.”
And with those words, my mom cemented the stubbornness, desire, and motivation within me to be the man she deserved as a son.
I spent two days at Mom’s eating way too much food and surfing the hours away. It was the perfect break but still I hadn’t spoken to Sav. I hadn’t heard her laugh, I hadn’t heard about New York, and I hadn’t been able to ask about Jellybean. Text messages weren’t cutting it. My time at Mom’s allowed me to work on a project I wanted to do for Sav and Jellybean and distracted me from the thoughts swamping my mind. Jack had come down and thankfully was able to help me load my surprise present in my car. I needed to get back to LA to work, and more importantly, I needed to work out how the hell I could speak to Sav.
One week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours without Sav. I had never been this needy before.
The sound of Simon’s thick Australian accent boomed through the apartment, quickly followed by the echo of heavy steps as he stalked towards me. “Where is he?”
Simon’s eyes narrowed on me the moment he found me in the kitchen. The man known as Mr. Davenport stood before me with intimidation oozing off him. His height, his piercing death stare, and his fiery nature could scare the fuck out of grown men. I didn’t drop my gaze though. Tanzi nervously shifted her gaze between the two of us before hurrying down the hall towards her room, making some excuse about having to wash her hair.
Simon stood before me, the bench the only thing separating us. “What the hell are you doing, Tate?”
Wasn’t it obvious? I looked between him and the sandwich I was making. “I am making a snack before I go back to Red Velvet.”
“You profess your love to her and then piss off for a week without so much as a word. Did you know that it’s coming up to the anniversary of her parents’ death? Did you know that she is on the other side of the country on her own and I am the one who spends the night on the phone with her while she cries her fucking eyes out? You should be the one on the phone with her. You, her boyfriend. You say you love her, that you will never hurt her, and then look what you do. You are piss weak.”
The loud clink of metal on glass echoed through the kitchen as I dropped the knife from my hand. How dare he? I stalked around the bench, my eyes firmly gripped to the man throwing accusations my way. “It might not seem like it but everything I do is for her. I have been trying to get in contact with her for days. Every day I call and text her. Do you want to see my fucking phone? Do I have to prove it to you?” I breathed heavily as I stood before him. His eyes glared at mine while my fists clenched tightly at my side. If he were anyone other than the grandfather of my future child I’d punch that accusation right out of him. “When I’m not working, she is, and when she isn’t working, I am. I don’t really want to call my PREGNANT girlfriend at two in the morning when she should be resting. Jesus Christ, you’d be over here telling me how fucking insensitive I was. I can’t win with you!”
“You aren’t making that too clear at the moment, Tate. Can I give you some advice? You and Sav are two of the most frustrating, messed up people I know, but you seem to work. Well, until one of you fuck it up. Savannah is as fragile as glass and ready to shatter at any moment. I will not let that happen, Tate. She loves you. She has given everything to you. You don’t realize how much of a big deal that is.”
“I do, Simon.” I groaned in frustration.
“Let me speak, Tate,” he growled. “You break her heart one more time and I will not let you anywhere near her. I made a promise to myself when she was eighteen that I’d always protect her and never let her hurt again and you have made me go back on my promise once. I will not let you do it again. Prove yourself to me, Tate. Show me that you are worthy of my girl.”
“Come with me.” I wrenched my keys off the bench and stormed through my apartment, furious at both myself and Simon. His loud steps followed me as I left the apartment and walked towards the elevator. The ride to the fifth floor was intense. I wanted nothing more than to prove him wrong, to prove to him that I was the right guy for Savannah. I fidgeted with the keys in the palm of my hand in a feeble attempt to get my emotions in check. The man standing opposite me, the one firing looks of disappoint at me, was the one guy I needed on my side. He knew Savannah better than anyone. He was my future child’s grandfather, and he was the one man I admired most in the world.
The sound of the elevator coming to a halt ripped me from my thoughts. I shot Simon a look before I stepped out onto the fifth floor. The silence was deafening but I swore I could hear my heart beating from the depths of my chest. I fiddled with the keys, turning them over in my hand, and stormed towards the front door of Savannah’s apartment.
“Why are we here?” Simon’s brow furrowed as he looked between me and the closed door. If he wanted to see the truth, I was going to show him. I unlocked th
e door and pushed it open with my hip, allowing Simon to walk through. The smell of cherry blossoms overtook my senses, and it was as if Sav were with me. This was her, cherry blossoms and strawberries. As we walked through the apartment, my eyes darted everywhere besides Simon. I just wanted to get this over and done with.
Simon stopped suddenly when we reached the living room and turned sharply towards me, his face shocked.
“That’s what I’ve been doing, Simon. Do not ever question my feelings for Sav. I’d do anything and everything for her. She and my baby she is carrying consume my every thought.”
“Well fuck me sideways, Tate Connors. You never cease to amaze me.” Simon’s smile took over his face, and he shook his head, trying to let it sink in.
“For some crazy reason, Sav has chosen to give me her heart, and I promise you I will NEVER destroy that. You have my word.”
“Prove me wrong, mate.” Simon patted me on the shoulder and walked through the apartment and out the door, leaving me completely speechless.
Red Velvet on a Saturday night would always be described as crazy. Red Velvet, my first love, my first baby, my livelihood and distraction. Jumping out of my jeep, I walked through the packed parking lot with a smile on my face. I could never have imagined that my idea of a bar could turn into this. Music seeped through the walls, filling the parking lot with the rasp of a female singer, allowing the few bar-goers still waiting to get in to enjoy the sounds of the band that was gracing the stage. It was eight pm and I was arriving for my second shift of the day.
“Didn’t you only finish a couple of hours ago, man?” Stevie, my long-time bouncer, asked, greeting me with a loopy grin.
“I just can’t keep away from the place.” Shaking his hand, I shot him a smirk before pushing open the doors and weaving my way through the crowd. The loud bass thumped through my body as my attention was taken by the throaty voice of the female lead singer. She was undeniably someone who would have gotten my attention before. Wearing the tightest top that left little to the imagination and a skirt that barely covered her ass, she would definitely have been seeing the inside of my office...or the restaurant, the back alley, or the VIP section. Man-whore Tate would have destroyed her.