“Olivia, you’re okay. It’s me. It’s Kit. Please, stop struggling. You’re safe.”
I instantly relaxed and sobbed as Kit held me from behind. He was gripping me to him like his life depended on it. I moved and he loosened his grip. Turning to face him, I snuggled into his chest and let it all out.
Kit started stroking my hair. “It’s okay. It was only a bad dream.”
How could I tell him otherwise? It wasn’t a bad dream. It was my harsh, waking reality. Something I lived with day after day. Something that haunted me every minute of my day or night. Thinking about it, though, it had been a while since I had that dream. It confused me as to why I was having it again all of a sudden.
“It was just a bad dream…wasn’t it?” When I didn’t respond, Kit moved his face away to try and look at me. “Olivia, what happened to your father?” He felt me stiffen. “Olivia, talk to me.”
I shook my head. “It’s nothing. It was just a bad dream.”
Kit sighed and pulled me back into his arms. “I don’t believe you, but whenever you want to tell me, you can.”
I nodded and started shivering. Kit gripped me tighter as all my bones cried out in agony. I hated feeling this ill. In fact, I didn’t recall ever feeling this bad before.
As my shivers subsided, my eyes became droopy again. How much more sleep did I possibly need?
*****
Kit and I were cuddling in my bed. His hand moved down my back, as if he was caressing me. He pressed his hand in the small curve above my hip and pulled me to him. I moaned, feeling how hard he was. His hand moved further south and gripped my thigh as I thrust my hips against him. I threw my leg over him and pulled him closer to me.
“More,” I whimpered. “Please, Kit. More.”
I felt him kiss me above my breasts and up towards my neck. “Oh god, Kit!” I pulled at him, desperate for him to release the intense heat rising up within me. “I want to feel you. I need you.”
I heard a growling sound deep in his throat and it made me shudder all over. Everything about him was making me hypersensitive. I thrust myself deeper into his crotch and moaned at how good it felt. I was trying to feel him in any way I could, but my hands were restricted. Why couldn’t I move my hands?
I wiggled a little more, trying to get free. Suddenly, my hand appeared, and I started to reach for Kit, but he gripped my wrist.
“Olivia!”
I woke up to find myself wrapped around Kit. He had his hand on my wrist and was staring at me with a panicked look in his eyes. My leg, just like in my dream, was wrapped tightly around him.
Oh god, what have I done?
My eyes widened when I realised the seriousness of our situation. I had been dreaming, but it would seem I was trying to act out my dream. I wanted to die.
“I’m so sorry, Kit. What did I do?” He released his grip, and I immediately covered my face. “Oh god. Maybe it’s best you don’t tell me.”
I felt Kit slide off the bed and, for a moment, I thought he was going to leave me. “Kit, wait! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“Maybe I should sleep in the next room.”
I frowned. Next room? The next room is where my studio… Oh shit. “No! You can’t go in there!”
But it was too late. He had already left the room, and I went racing after him. When I got into the hallway, I saw that the door to my studio was wide open, but I couldn’t see Kit. I smacked my forehead and groaned. “Oh no.”
Timidly, I moved forward, noticing how much it hurt, but not as much as earlier. When I got to the threshold of the door, Kit was standing in the middle of the room, looking around, taking in all my landscape paintings, photorealistic paintings… Then his eyes fell on a particular one that stood out from them all. A couple of them were of him, but this one was the biggest. It was a close-up, his dark blonde hair pushed behind his ears. I had paid particular attention to his facial hair, making sure his short beard was as pronounced as possible. I even painted the tiny scar on his left cheek I had once noticed. I always marvelled at that scar because I wondered how long it truly was. It was hard to tell with his beard. It was the eyes that I paid the most attention to, though. Right now, those grey-blue eyes were staring at me, trying to reach into my soul. Those eyes foretold hope, promises, sadness, and despair. They were the most haunting eyes I had ever seen.
I stood there in the quiet. I didn’t know what he was going to think of me drawing him like that without his knowledge. I gripped onto the t-shirt I now wore, which I didn’t remember putting on. Kit turned. His eyes were wide with shock. Right then, I became panicked, thinking he was going to bolt and leave me again. Instead, he pointed. “Did you do that?” He looked over at the painting, then back at me.
I flinched a little and bit my lip. It was like my whole body wanted to cave in on itself and disappear. I found the courage, looked up, and nodded. I looked back down again because I didn’t want to see the look of hurt, anger, disappointment, or whatever disgusted look he wanted to throw at me. I couldn’t take it.
Out of my peripheral vision, I saw that Kit was suddenly on the move and was heading for the door. I stepped to one side and held myself against the wall, knowing he was going to pass me any moment and be out the door.
And out of my life.
I wanted to sob, I wanted to shout, but I knew it would be no use. He hated me and, quite frankly, I didn’t blame him. He now knew that he was my obsession.
As he got closer, I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see that look on his face when he passed me. When he didn’t pass, I chanced opening my eyes. He was standing in front of me and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me to him. His mouth pressed against mine, and I threw my arms around his neck. Our lips meshed together in the most spellbinding kiss I had ever experienced. It was hot. It was warm. Most of all, it was deadly. Deadly to my body, which wanted more. Deadly to my heart, which wanted to let him in. Deadly to the soul that Kit was slowly coaxing out of me.
Needing more, I pushed out my tongue, seeking entrance. At first, Kit hesitated, then he opened his mouth and our tongues finally met. He groaned, placing one hand firmly behind my head as the other trailed up my back. He pulled me tightly to him.
Feeling like I needed to feel more of him, I slid both hands up his t-shirt and gently scraped my nails from his shoulders down to his hips before squeezing him to me. Kit growled again, and my whole body shuddered
Keeping his mouth firmly pressed against mine, Kit’s breathing became more laboured and his actions more desperate as he hoisted me up against the wall. I wrapped my legs around his waist and felt how hard he was when he dug himself into me, moaning as he did.
Suddenly, he banged his fist against the wall, making me jump. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to make this right for you.”
I placed a hand on his cheek and gently stroked his delicate hairs. “You’re making it right for me.”
Kit sighed and placed his head on my shoulder. “You don’t understand. I’ve never done this before.”
If I thought my heart couldn’t take anymore, I was wrong. It thrashed wildly in my chest at his admission. “You’ve never had sex?”
He sighed against my shoulder. “Yes, I have, but not like this.” I felt him shake his head before looking up to meet my eyes. “Not like this.”
I didn’t know what he meant. I was longing for this man with such wild abandon, all thoughts were scrambled. “I don’t understand.”
He sighed again and rested his forehead against mine. “We can’t do this. I can’t do this with you.”
Those were the last words I wanted to hear. I was desperate for him. Could he not tell from that kiss just how much I wanted this?
I grabbed the back of his neck. “Kit, please. I want this. I want you.”
He let go of my legs and I felt myself sliding back down on the floor. My heart sank. I was so close to feeling something natural, something real, only to have it ripped away from me.
/>
Feeling the tears brimming, I lay my forehead against his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he offered, but it didn’t stop my heart from being ripped from my chest. It didn’t stop the overwhelming rejection after knowing just how good it felt to be with him this way. His kisses and his touch were nothing I had ever felt before.
I wanted more.
“Kit, who were you before? Did you...? I mean, were you a...?” I couldn’t get the word out. “The other morning, when you were sick, you said that you could please me and my husband couldn’t. Did you used to sleep with women for money?”
I felt Kit stiffen as our breathing started to calm a little. His silence was so palpable, you could hear a pin drop. I thought he wasn’t going to answer, maybe even push me away. But then he sighed. “No, I didn’t, but I may as well have.”
I shook my head and looked into his eyes. “I don’t understand.”
Kit cupped my head in his hands. “You’re not meant to.” He sighed heavily. “My life before was built on deception, cruelty, and lies. Sometimes I feel I can’t touch you because I’m too tainted, too unworthy, too damaged. You’re so untainted and pure that to touch you with my filthy hands will only rub what is inside me onto you. I can’t do that to you.”
Knowing how wrong he was, I placed my hands on his arms. I was tainted. I was damaged. Despite knowing how wrong it all was, I wanted him. “I want you to touch me, Kit. I don’t believe you could ever be bad, or damaged, or unworthy of me. When I look at you, I see a man who is desperate for someone’s touch, desperate to reach out, desperate for someone to love him. I want you to touch me, feeling that it’s right, that it is pure between us. I want you to only think of me and you. No one else. Just us. Don’t think about your past or what you used to be. It doesn’t matter now. What matters is how you move forward. What matters is the man you are today. I want that man.”
Kit breathed heavily, gently kissing me on the lips. He gripped his eyes shut and shook his head. “I don’t know how to be that man.”
I stroked his beard. “Let me show you. Let me show you the man you can be.”
Kit stayed silent for a moment, just holding me tightly. There was nothing sexual about it. Nothing to tell me there was an ulterior motive. He just wanted to hold me. And, right now, I wanted to hold him, too. I could never tire of being held by Kit. His comfort was like nothing else.
So I cradled my head in his neck, allowing him full access to me. I was accepting his offer of affection one hundred percent, but no matter my desire for him, this connection was something more. Something special, something real. When he held me, it felt as though nothing could harm me. Nothing could get in my way. Nothing could break me. I was safe and felt loved. For the first time in my life, I truly felt loved.
Reluctantly, Kit pulled away. “Let’s get you back to bed. You need to rest.”
I laughed. “I’ve done nothing but rest. In fact, I’m feeling pretty hungry.”
Kit held out his hand to me and I took it. “Well, I’ll make you something to eat. But first, I must make sure you get back to bed. You’re still far from better.”
I squeezed his hand and let him lead the way. “You know, I could get used to this.” I bit my lip, worried I may have come on too strong.
Kit just smiled. “Everyone needs looking after from time to time.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Am I just everyone then?” I was just teasing, but Kit looked serious.
“You’ve never been just everyone.” He pulled me into the bedroom and led me to the bed. Once I sat down, he pushed the covers over a little bit for me and swung my legs onto the bed. When I lay down, he pulled the covers back over me and smiled. “What would you like to eat?”
I was tempted to say you, but he was being so sweet to me, I couldn’t possibly ruin it by being cheeky.
“Umm, I don’t know. Surprise me.” I wasn’t sure how well Kit could cook, so I thought it might be best to leave it up to him.
Kit stared at me a moment. “Okay.” He marched off and I lay there, heaving a big sigh of relief.
Almost an hour went by and I very nearly got out of bed to find out where he was. The smells that came up were so tempting, it was just too hard ignore.
Feeling my mouth water, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and started to get up when I was stopped abruptly by his voice.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
I bit my lip, trying to hide my smile, and turned. When he saw my reaction, his lips curved up, as well. It was so hard not to stare, but it was also hard not to notice a tray with two bowls containing what looked like some sort of chicken stew. On the side was a couple of slices of bread and some cutlery.
Then the smell hit me. “That smells so good.”
Kit cocked his eyebrow. “Get back into bed.”
Tightening my thighs together, my insides ached. “Mmmm, can you say that again?”
Kit looked at me sternly. “Olivia…”
I waved my hands and got back into bed. “Okay, okay. I’ll be good. I’m sorry.”
Once he set the steaming bowls down, I looked up at him. “You can cook?”
Kit sat down on the bed and handed me a bowl. “Is that so hard to believe?”
I shook my head. “No. It’s just… I don’t know that much about you.”
Kit looked away for a moment. “And I think it’s best it stays that way.”
“I don’t think I want it to.” He handed me a spoon and our hands touched. For a moment, we were still, and I completely forgot how hungry I was.
Clearing his throat, Kit motioned to my bowl. “Eat.”
I nodded, feeling a little saddened. I wanted and needed him to tell me all about himself. I longed to understand what was beneath this man who had fascinated me for so long. Instead, I remained quiet, put the spoon in my bowl, and was about to take my first mouthful when he spoke again.
“You should be feeling a lot better by tomorrow.”
My heart sank. Did this mean he would be leaving me? “I don’t want you to go.” The words came out before my brain engaged. I never knew how far across the boundaries I could go with this man.
Kit stared at me for a moment, frowning. “I don’t live here.”
I suppose that was the answer that shot down everything. Kit didn’t live here, so this could only ever be a temporary thing. I didn’t like it, though. I wanted him with me more than anything.
Sighing, I knew this couldn’t last. The longer Kit stayed with me, the chances of Uncle finding him here increased. That, in itself, would be a disaster.
Chapter 11
I was in my old house again, wandering the empty halls. I was looking in every corner, seeking out every crevice so I could find my father. I had been worrying about him lately. He had been distant, snappy…more so than usual. My father was never an affectionate man. He was definitely a father, but a daddy? Well, that was a different story. Sure, he’d buy me things, and I never wanted for anything. I didn’t care about that, though. I wanted his love. I craved his arms around me. I was a desperate girl, determined to make her father notice her.
And this was why I was searching for him. I had made some friends, and needed his permission to go out on my birthday. I had finished some important exams at school and had just found out I passed them all with flying colours. I hoped he would look at me and smile, take me in his arms, tell me how proud he was. This was the only thing I ever wanted from him.
So I wandered from room to room, calling for my father, smoothing out my clothes as I went along. I wanted to look my best for him. I wanted him to see the woman I was growing into.
I was just checking the kitchen for the second time when a loud bang was heard from the direction of his office.
Screaming, I ran towards his office door and pushed it open, jumping as it banged against the wall. Lying on the floor by his desk, eyes wide open, was my father. At his right temple was a trickle of blood running down his face.
Throwing my hand over
my mouth, I was about to scream when something out of the corner of my eye alerted me to someone in the room. When I turned, Kit was standing there with a gun in his hand, pointing it towards my father. He looked at me, aimed the gun at my head, and placed a finger over his mouth.
“Shh,” he whispered as he smiled and pulled the trigger.
I woke up screaming, covered in sweat, thrashing and sobbing uncontrollably. I was so scared, so frightened, so angry at the injustice and the thought that my father did this to himself. Most of all, I was shocked by the sudden change in the dream and how Kit was now there.
Right on cue, Kit turned up by my bedside and wrapped his arms around me. He slept on the sofa last night, saying it was for the best. I lay there for hours, wondering how I could have come so close, yet so far. Right now, though, the dream weighed heavily on my mind. I was so angry, so pissed off with the world that I lashed out.
“You killed him! You killed him!” I knew it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t help the words that sprang from my mouth and whipped at him so violently.
Wrapping me in a vice-like grip, Kit breathed into my ear, “I got you, Olivia. I got you.”
I immediately went limp and gripped at his arms. I sat there, sobbing. This dream forever haunted me, never letting me forget. For me, the dream was reality. Apart from Kit being there, I did walk in to find my father dead on the floor, a gun in one hand and the phone in the other. Our telephone records were checked, but whoever was on the phone had been careful.
I sighed, frustrated with the knowledge I would probably never know. I was only fourteen at the time. I was growing into a young lady and remembered feeling happy at the thought my father might actually tell me how beautiful I was and how proud he was that I passed my exams. Unfortunately, I never got to find out.
Eventually, I calmed and Kit loosened his hold on me a little. “Olivia, what happened to your father? Who killed him?”
I stiffened in his arms and immediately pulled away. “It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”