Damn, I was fucked…although I’d never admit that. I probably just needed more to drink.
Leaning forward, I picked up the bottle, but was surprised when Uncle didn’t move. Instead, he watched me and sighed. “When is what you’re doing to your body going to start to sink in? It’s a beautiful body and you’re ruining it.”
I glared at him. “What do you care? You won’t help me. All you do is come here out of the blue and watch me.”
Uncle walked forward and, instinctively, I clutched the bottle to my chest. He hesitated, shook his head, and sat down next to me.
When he leaned forward, I thought he was going to kiss me. I would have let him because I was too pissed to care.
Let the numbness begin.
As he neared my lips, he lingered there for a moment. “You’re destroying yourself, but you’ll want me soon, Livy. Pretty soon, you’ll be begging me to help you.” He roamed his eyes over my face. “Mark my words. One day, you’ll get to your lowest point and I’ll be there. It may take a while, but I’ll be there. You’ll need me then. I guarantee it.” Uncle moved away and stood up.
As he neared the door, my chest ached in the knowledge I would be on my own…again. “So I guess a quick fuck is out of the question?” In my heart, I knew what I was saying was wrong, but I was lonely and needed someone’s arms around me. I had been brought up without love. This was the only way I could express the fact I didn’t want to be on my own. For once, I needed someone.
Uncle stood at the door, but didn’t turn around. Instead, he shook his head, pulled the handle, and walked out.
My nostrils flared in anger at his obvious rejection. “I guess that’s a fucking no then?!” I threw a cushion in the direction of the door. I was doing that a lot lately, but I didn’t care. I was alone again and my only comfort was the bottle I held at my chest.
I pulled it from me and unscrewed the top. I didn’t want to feel lonely anymore.
I had just finished my two hours at the bar and was making my way home. Despite the fact it was a lot earlier than last night, I still felt fear when I walked the streets. I even decided to take a much longer route around so I could avoid being in the same place again.
I didn’t see Kit today and, I must admit, it saddened me. All day, I glanced at the door of the soup kitchen, hoping he would walk through it. Alas, he never did, and I went home feeling sorry for myself. I wasn’t sure why my obsession with him was growing. I guess for every little bit he gave me, I just wanted more.
As I was musing, my mind registered something else. I had suspicions I was being followed, and when I turned around, I saw Kit watching me from the other side of the road.
Trying not to make it look too obvious, I turned my head and couldn’t help the huge smile that crept up on my lips. Kit was following me, but instead of it creeping me out a little, it made me feel safe. I felt like he was watching out for me.
With a sudden idea in my head, I stopped at the local fish and chip shop and placed my order. I paid, grabbed the bag, and made my way outside again. I walked the remaining ten minutes to my flat without looking back. I wanted to, I really did, but I didn’t want him knowing I knew he was there.
Once I got to my flat, I opened the door, placed the bag on the side table, and walked back out. Kit was just walking away.
“Kit!” He turned and looked my way. Suddenly, my mouth went dry. What do I say to him? How do I broach the subject? I had made a plan to get him here. Beyond that, I was completely lost. “Umm…” I fidgeted with my hands a little, desperately trying to get my brain to engage. “I need your help with something,” I breathed out, wondering how I managed to hold it in for so long.
Kit tilted his head, but didn’t say anything. For a moment, I thought he was going to turn away, but he surprised me when he walked forward.
With my brain quickly scrambling, I turned and walked back towards my door. When I turned back towards Kit, he was standing by the gate.
“What do you need help with?”
My heart hammered in my chest, wondering if I could go through with this. I pointed inside. “I need to speak with you about something, but I’m too cold out here.”
Kit sighed, looked around, then stared back at me. It was almost as if he was battling with something. I wish I knew what.
Time stood still for a while as he stood without a word. A part of me was wondering if this was a good idea. Kit did help me and he followed me, but it was obvious he felt uncomfortable around me.
Eventually, he walked through, closing the gate behind him. “Okay…”
My heart did a little merry dance as I walked through the door. I heard him shut it before I turned. The smell of the chips hit me and I’m sure it hit Kit, too, because I saw him stiffen.
“What do you want?”
His voice seemed a lot harsher than he probably intended. I was determined to ignore him, though, because I needed answers.
Without saying a word, I picked up the bag and walked into the front room. Kit followed, probably out of sheer curiosity more than anything else. He had a visible frown on his face. I still ignored him as I went into the kitchen.
Once all was set, I came in to the living room to find Kit standing in exactly the same position. When I put the two plates down on the table, he was about to say something, but I rushed back out to the kitchen to get the tea.
When I walked back in, Kit had taken his hat off and was scratching his head. He looked conflicted again, and it was a look I hated on him. I didn’t want him feeling like he shouldn’t be here.
Placing the tea on the table, I motioned to a chair. “Sit. You’re going to eat with me, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Kit sighed but, surprisingly, didn’t argue. Instead, he came to sit down and watched in silence as I placed all the contents on his plate.
“I didn’t know what you would like, so I took the liberty of ordering sausage with the chips. I hope that’s okay.”
I sat down and placed my food on my plate. Kit didn’t move, which surprised me. I thought he would have been starving.
Instead, he frowned. “Why are you doing this?”
I didn’t want to have to explain myself, so I thought it best to answer a question with a question. “Why are you following me?”
I thought he would remain quiet but, again, he surprised me. “Because I want to make sure you’re safe.”
His answer startled me. I didn’t think he cared. “Why?”
Kit pulled his chair in a little. “Why are you doing this?” He pointed to his food. I distinctly saw the hunger in his eyes. This was the first time I saw any type of emotion other than anger.
“Because I want to make sure you’re safe.” I suddenly found a smile break out on my lips at my answer. I thought he would ask me to elaborate, but he didn’t. Instead, he seemed to accept the answer and did the one thing that made me happier than I had felt all day.
He picked up a chip.
We sat there in comfortable silence as we ate our meals. Every now and then, Kit would hum in approval when he munched on a chip or sipped on his tea.
Once he was finished, I gazed at him. I had so many questions, but I didn’t know if he would answer them.
“What is your surname?” Of all the questions to ask, I asked that? Too late. It was already out there.
Kit looked at me with a frown. It was almost as if he was debating whether he should tell me. “Chain.”
Of all the things I intended to do, laughing wasn’t one of them. It just seemed to blurt out of me. “So you’re named after the most domestic part of the house?” I nudged him without meaning to and he just stared. “You know? Kit Chain.”
He sighed in what looked like exasperation. I thought I had lost him. With my nerves kicking up a notch, I suddenly blurted, “It’s a pity your surname wasn’t Ching because you could say your name’s Kit Ching!” For a moment, I thought I had lost my mind. Why in the hell did I just say that?
But Kit
did something absolutely amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean amazing.
He smiled.
It was the briefest of smiles, but a smile nonetheless. Right then, I could have stood up and cheered like someone celebrating a football goal. Stupid, I know, but any little thing Kit gave me made me feel that way.
And his smile? My goodness! Don’t get me started on that smile. Even behind all that hair, I could tell his smile would melt the hearts of every woman with a heartbeat. Hell, I was wondering how mine was still beating. I thought it would stop the moment he flashed me that grin.
Once I managed to calm myself and willed myself to stop staring, I cleared my throat. “Can I get you anything else?”
Suddenly, Kit shot up from his chair. “I really need to go.”
“But... But...” I was stammering again.
“Thank you for the food and drink.”
Before I could answer, he was running out the door. I heard it shut, and a sigh escaped me. I felt a little disappointed that he left so suddenly but, at the same time, I couldn’t help the grin that crept up. Kit smiled at me. He genuinely smiled at a joke I made. Yes, I knew it was a poor one, but he smiled!
And for the rest of the night, my own smile never faded.
Chapter 4
“Livy, what the fuck? Livy!”
I felt a nudge on my shoulder and groaned. Fuck, my head hurt. I felt wet all over and I didn’t know why. Where the hell was I? What the hell was going on? Was that really Uncle’s voice? I hadn’t seen him in weeks.
“Livy, get up. Fuck, I should have come earlier. Livy, wake up!” He nudged me again and it was only then that I opened my eyes.
Sunlight poured in from the windows, blinding me. I noticed I was on the floor of my living room. What the hell?
As I moved, I got a whiff of vomit. “Shit…” I moaned, almost gagging.
“Livy, get the fuck up or I’m sending you to rehab for the next three months. Get your arse up and get in the shower. I’m cleaning you up.”
With Uncle’s help, I moved into a sitting position and looked up at him. He looked handsome in his white shirt and black trousers. What must he think of me?
He nudged me again. “Livy, get up. I won’t tell you again.”
I slapped his hand away. “Okay, okay. I’m getting up, for fuck’s sake.” I heard Uncle’s sharp intake of breath. Even I was a little taken aback by my outburst, but a big part of me didn’t care.
“Livy, I know you’re probably not feeling well, but there’s no need to take it out on–”
“You’ve not been here!” I interrupted. “Why the fuck should you care now?” I groaned again as my head pounded.
Uncle sighed. “I’m sorry, Livy. I was just so angry with you for what you did, but I should have been here. I’m here now...and we’ve got to get you to the shower. You smell like shit.”
He pulled me up and practically carried me to the bathroom. I clung onto him because he was my only vice. The only person who was offering me comfort.
Uncle placed me in the bath and turned the water on. Once he knew it was warm, he pulled the lever for the shower. I gasped as the water hit my face and ran down my clothed, vomit-soaked body. Right then, I felt pathetic. I felt like the biggest fucking loser on earth.
Endless tears slid down my face as a gut-wrenching sob left my lips. How did I get to this? How did I let myself sink so low? This wasn’t me.
“Oh, Livy, come here.” He stepped into the bath with me.
“But your clothes…,” I protested.
“They’re just clothes, Livy.”
He held me under the water and let me sob into his shoulder. As I calmed, Uncle pushed me away and tenderly stroked my cheek. “How are we going to get you better? What is it you want? I will give you anything you desire as long as you get yourself out of this fucking mess. You’re trying to kill yourself, but I’m never going to let that happen. Tell me. What can I do?”
I sighed, already knowing my answer. I had him in my head constantly. He was in my nightmares and my every waking thought. The man who took everything from me.
I looked up into Uncle’s eyes and could see him awaiting my answer. “I need you now,” I whispered. “I need your help. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” He smiled and nodded, giving my shoulder a little squeeze. He had obviously been waiting for this moment.
“What can I do to help you? What is it you want?”
I sighed as the tears fell. “I want justice, Uncle. I want to find the shadowman who tried to kill my family. When I do, I’m going to kill him.”
The very next morning, I got up with a spring in my step. I was hoping Kit would be around today. I felt a little dizzy from the prospect of it and couldn’t help but scold myself for being so adolescent. I mean, I had dated before, but none of them made me feel this light-headed, giddy feeling. We weren’t even dating, and I knew we never would. I still couldn’t help the way I felt.
Grabbing all my things, I opened my front door and stopped. Sitting on my doorstep was a hot, fresh cup of coffee, and what looked like a Danish pastry. I gasped. Upon inspection, I saw that the coffee was black, just how I liked it, and the pastry was strawberry. It didn’t take a genius to know who this was from.
Feeling lighter than air, I grabbed the coffee and Danish and made my way out. I was just finishing off the pastry when I walked into the coffee shop. By now, I was high on the strawberry scent.
Tim looked up with a big, beaming smile. “Ah, I was wondering if that was for you.”
I smiled back. “I found it on my doorstep this morning.”
Tim leaned over a little, placing his hands on the counter. “Very tall, longish dark blonde hair, and a beard?”
I nodded, feeling my heart start to beat rapidly. “Yes, that’s the one.”
Tim smiled. “One of your many admirers. He probably thought it was only right to return the favour after all the coffees you must have bought him. Which one is he? The regular coffee with two sugars?”
I shook my head. “No. He actually doesn’t request coffee in the mornings.”
Tim widened his eyes and leaned back. “Ah, just someone who admirers you from afar then.”
I actually sighed, but what made it worse was it wasn’t just any old sigh. It was one of those sighs when a girl thought about a boy. In that moment, I actually wished it were true. My obsession with him was getting out of control, but I just put it down to the fact that I didn’t know him. I didn’t know many of them, but Kit was a total mystery. A puzzle within a puzzle.
In the end, I found my voice. “I just think he’s repaying me for giving him some food yesterday, that’s all.” And that was all. It wasn’t because he liked me, or wanted to know me. He was simply making a gesture. Granted, it was a very lovely gesture, but just a gesture nonetheless.
Tim looked at me skeptically. “Hmm… I may think otherwise, but there you go. Do you want the usual?”
I nodded. “Yes, please.”
Once all the hot drinks were ready, I made my way towards the soup kitchen. The sun was out today, but it was still a bit nippy.
In the distance, I saw my usual group sitting on the steps. Then my heart rate picked up a notch when I noticed Kit was there, too.
“Good morning, everyone.” I was more cheerful than normal and I think everyone noticed. Well, Thomas definitely noticed.
“Well, good morning, Olivia. Are you going to tell us his name?”
I briefly looked towards Kit. I could feel the nerves kicking up. I really needed to curb my feelings. “Whose name?”
Thomas smiled. “The guy who’s putting that smile on your face lately. Don’t get me wrong. You always have a smile on your face, but lately? Let’s just say it looks more animated.”
Wayne started laughing. “Fuck, Thomas. What shit are you coming out with now? Instead of being your usual vulgar self, you’re coming out with words such as animated. What the fuck?”
Thomas snarled in Wayne’s direction. ?
??I’m just being polite. I know Olivia gets a little uncomfortable with my normal self. I was just trying to show her some courtesy.”
“By embarrassing her?” Rachel snapped. She looked back at me, placing her hand on my arm. “Don’t listen to them, Olivia. They’re just bored and you’re their only form of entertainment in the mornings.” She rolled her eyes.
Deciding to change the subject, I smiled and handed out the drinks. “Here you go. Nice and hot.”
One by one, they took their drinks. I looked over at Kit and saw him in the same position. I wanted to say hi and thank him, but he was giving off his normal don’t come near me vibe.
In the end, I thought to hell with it and started walking towards him. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the others watching me. I guess they all knew I was a glutton for punishment. I just didn’t think Kit would be mean to me now.
“Kit?” I said as I neared him. I saw him visibly cringe. “Kit, are you okay? I just wanted to thank you for—”
Suddenly, he shot up from the steps and glared at me. “Don’t talk to me. Don’t say my name. I don’t want you anywhere near me.” He walked off and I felt the stab of rejection straight to my chest. It hurt more than I thought it would, but how could I expect any different? I thought I was breaking down his walls last night, but he seemed just as mean and nasty as ever.
I watched as he disappeared around the corner, I stood there, trying my level best not to look too upset.
“Don’t take it personally, honey. He’s like that with everyone.”
I turned at the sound of Rachel’s voice and tried my hardest to smile at her. It hurt, though. I just couldn’t understand why he would be so hot one moment, then so icy the next.
“I know. I keep trying, but he’s determined to push me away.” I laughed a little, trying my hardest to shrug it off. I didn’t know who I was kidding more...them or myself.
Chapter 5
“Why won’t you take me to your house?”
Uncle looked up. We had been working out at the gym in his penthouse. I knew he had a huge house because I remembered swimming in a big pool in the summer when I was little. For some reason, he wouldn’t take me there. Instead, I stayed in his spare bedroom. In the mornings, Uncle would teach me self-defence; in the afternoons, I would read or paint. Uncle knew how much I loved painting, agreeing it helped with my rehabilitation. It had been almost four months without a drink and, although I still craved it, I knew I was better without it.