“I know.” Sadness takes over. My throat tightens as I take a few steps towards him, still trying to figure out a way to get the gun, when he looks down at his hands confused.
“I killed them,” he says regretfully.
I’m within reach when he suddenly lifts his gun and points it directly at me. A loud pop explodes around me and I’m pushed to the ground, Todd’s heavy body on top of me. Before I can realize what’s happening or whether I’m alright, I’m swarmed by bodies all dressed in full SWAT gear. Todd’s body is lifted off mine, and it’s then that I realize he’s dead when I see a small red circle on his head. Blood pours from his fatal wound. His face looks so peaceful, so young. My breathing hastens and I can hardly catch my breath as they take his body away from me. None of this should have happened. He was just a young boy with his entire life ahead of him.
I’m quickly swooped up in the air by two of the men who saved me, and they rush through the halls with my bloody body. One of them talks into a microphone in his helmet to give our location.
The other looks down at me as he carefully, but quickly, moves us through the hall. “Try to take deep breaths. You’re going to be alright. You’re safe now.”
His voice sounds as if he’s miles away. Each time I struggle for breath, the wall of my throat blocks my relief. I close my eyes and focus on his words. I’m going to be alright. But as soon as I think them, I wonder whether I am. Will I ever be able to get over something like this?
My body tingles as my breaths feel shallower and I’m no longer able to keep my eyes open. Just as I can feel myself fade, I notice the jostling of my body stop and feel cold, wet prickles on my arms and hair. Something is placed on my face and I can feel hands all over me. I can’t focus on any one thing; the confusion and fear cripples me.
“Can you tell me your name?” A voice grabs my attention and I have to think carefully what he’s asked me. He repeats his question, this time closer to my ringing ear. “Can you tell me your name?”
I try to open my eyes, but my body won’t listen. It’s too busy shaking and tingling to do anything I want it to. I put all my energy into my need to speak. “Kat,” I rasp out. My throat feels as if it’s lined with razor blades; I want to do everything possible to never speak again.
“I knew it.” He surprises me by kissing the top of my head. “Thank fucking God.”
I take my first deep breath and feel the tears erupt from my eyes. I try to focus on the one thing that I know can take me out of this sadness that is overtaking me. I think of Joey.
Joey
“Safe and Sound”
We are stopped a mile away from the school when we first arrive on scene. We all jump out of the car, Holden and me both flashing our badges at the officers who are directing terrified parents like us where to go.
I’m relieved when I see Sarg with a crowd of officers at a table that appears to be set up like a command station. There are several laptops open; officers dressed in full SWAT gear are huddled together.
“Sarg!” I yell as Holden and the girls start to ask questions about their girls to another office nearby. When Sarg spots me, he holds up a finger to tell me I have to wait for a moment. I know how important it is for him to be precise at times like these, and what’s happening here, I know is his worst nightmare.
I see fire trucks and paramedics across the field and wonder whether I’ll be allowed back there to help. It’ll give me a chance to see whether Kat or the girls are hurt, while helping out. Just when I’m about to try to make my way over to triage, Holden is at my side.
“All the girls are over at the ShopRite where they have the reunion center set up.”
Just when all my fears dissolve, he realizes his mistake. “All the kids are there. I’m sorry, man. They couldn’t tell us anything about Kat yet.” He puts his arm around my shoulder. “She’s gonna be alright, man. She’s got Dave watching over her.”
As much as I want to believe him, something inside me says he’s wrong. Everything has seemed too good to be true. She’s too good for me. We work too well together. We love each other too much.
Just then, Sarg comes over. “I don’t have much time.” He looks at me with intent. “Joey, get over to triage. See what you can do to help.” He turns to Holden. “Come over here and use all your resources to find out everything you can about Todd Skeiter.”
The calm I’m trying to project is crushed. “Kat tutors him. He was that kid who had the online bullying thing happen to him last week. Kat was really upset about it.”
Holden’s face tightens and he hops over the fence with his phone in hand. He doesn’t need to say it; he knows this isn’t good for Kat. I grab Sarg’s arm when he turns to follow Holden. “She teaches in Room 8B.” I look at him sternly and say it again. “Room 8B. Now go get her!”
Sarg nods and turns swiftly to meet Holden and the others at the command post. I run over to Cam and Jess, who are calling to me.
“The shooter might be that boy Kat tutors. Holden’s helping out. I’m going to triage. You go to the girls.” I try to be strong when both their faces fill with fear.
“Oh God,” Jess whispers, as if it’s a prayer.
I turn away, not wanting to see that they realize how much worse this is for Kat than we all imagined it would be. Before I can take a step, a large explosion erupts from one of the windows at the other end of the school. Part of me is relieved it isn’t Kat’s classroom; the other is terrified to think what other weapons he has.
I run towards the triage area and hold my badge up to officers and personnel on guard around the perimeter of the school since I’m out of uniform. Everyone is in shock after the first explosion. When another loud explosion erupts, almost knocking me off my feet, I run the final yards to the line of ambulances and fire trucks lining the triage area.
I go up to a person who seems to be keeping track of all the patients, too afraid to look at the bodies yet. “I’m looking for Kat Pierce?” The woman looks down at her list that seemed far too long. Fear threatens to overtake me. I ask her again. “Kathleen Pierce. I’m trying to see if Kathleen Pierce is out of the building yet?”
When I say her name, I realize how wrong that sounds. If she makes it out of this, the first thing I’m going to do is fix it. Kat McMillan—yeah, that’s heavenly.
The woman nods and I don’t know whether to be relieved or terrified. If she’s not here, then she’s not hurt. But she could be hurt somewhere inside the school and no one knows it. Or worse. I won’t let myself think it.
I.
Won’t.
Think.
It.
Time stands still. There are only a few students at the triage center, mostly with cuts and bruises from running away when they heard the gunshots and explosion. I’ve seen no one with major injuries, but if I believe what I heard some of the children report to the officers taking statements, there are bodies in the school that haven’t been removed. Some say they’ve seen dead bodies in the office. An office that is just down the hall from Kat’s.
All of the sudden I hear commotion behind me, and I turn to see a group of students jump from a window—Kat’s window. They are all running at full speed towards the shopping center near where we are stationed. Several officers converge on the group of children, directing them to put their arms up. I know that in a time of crisis and confusion, no one knows who the good or bad guys yet. Even though we all have an idea that one of the shooters is Todd, we don’t know whether he’s working alone or with a group. But by the look of the damage at the school, I can’t imagine he’s working alone.
I make my way over to the group with some of the other paramedics to see whether anyone needs medical assistance when another large explosion erupts. That’s when my world collapses. A young girl who’s with the group that just jumped from a window turns and yells to the officers around her.
“Ms. Pierce is in there!” She begins to cry in one of her friend’s arms.
I recognize many of t
he officers, and make my way over to them; I need to get someone up to Kat. “Curt.” He turns to me and looks more concerned than I’ve ever seen. “That’s Kat’s classroom.” Curt was one of Dave’s close friends, and knows the gang of us well. He knows Kat, and knows what she means to me.
“We have men inside, Joey. They’re moving as fast as they can to isolate the shooter.” He puts his arm on my shoulder when he realizes I’m about to bolt across that field to Kat. “Everyone’s doing their best, man.”
I ask a question I’m not sure I want an answer to. “How many dead?”
His face turns solemn. “Five confirmed. All in the front office.”
Just then a voice booms over his walkie-talkie. “Shooter’s down.”
I should feel happy, but I don’t. That changes nothing. I still don’t have Kat in my arms. I stare at the shattered windows of her classroom and pray with every inch of my soul that she makes it through all of this. I look down at my phone when a message rings through; I pray it’s Kat, only to see it’s Holden.
Holden: Where are you?
Me: The field in front of triage.
Holden: I’m on my way.
Why’s he coming to me? My thoughts flash to the day I had to tell Jess about Dave’s shooting. We didn’t call and tell her to meet us at the hospital. We prepared for telling her that her husband was dying. I called Kat to meet me at her cousin’s house so she could take care of Charlotte. Sarg and I got in the car and drove to Jess’s house to tell her in person. We couldn’t tell her something like that over the phone.
My heart feels as if it’s being squeezed in a noose. The pain of losing Kat is too much to take. I type into my phone, unable to stand the anticipation.
Me: Just tell me.
I’m distracted by a loud commotion over by the school for a moment, but when Holden’s answer comes through, my entire world seems to close in around me.
Holden: Sarg sent SWAT to her room. They found a suicide letter at the boy’s home a little while ago. Kat was one of his targets.
I throw my phone across the field. The others around me stand and stare when I let out a painful scream, trying anything I can to rid myself of this unbearable reality. I can’t think straight. I ran towards the school, needing to see her. Needing to be by her side. If she’s dead, I will not let her body be in there alone. I can’t.
Arms are around me and I fight to break free and get to Kat. “Joey! Stop. You can’t go in there and you know it. It’s a crime scene.”
When I look up at Holden and see his face, I know he fears what I do. That Kat’s dead inside that building and we’re just going to have to sit here and wait for them to bring her to us. I’m not crying. I almost feel numb. Not numb as if I don’t feel anything, but numb as if I feel too much. Kat’s everything I never knew I needed. She’s the one person in this fucked-up world that makes me love. When I close my eyes, all I see are her beautiful long curls and emerald green eyes. I’m not the guy to fall apart. I’m the guy they call to keep everyone together when shit like this happens, but today—right now, right here—I’m ruined.
“Joey. Look.” Holden’s voice pulls me from my daze. I see the paramedics and surrounding officers are in full response mode now, running into the building with gurneys and life-saving equipment. Students are being filed out of the buildings in long, quiet lines, all leading to the shopping center across the street.
“Holden, Joey. Get over here. It’s Kat.” Curt calls to us from a group of people huddled together on the ground.
We both run at full speed. I’m too afraid to imagine what I’m going to see when I get there. I stop in my tracks when I see her delicate, beautiful body that was so full of life just hours ago, lying in the grass; her chest heaves violently as she gasps for air through the oxygen mask on her face.
She’s.
Alive.
I fall to my knees beside her as my friends surround her. “Is she hurt?” I ask no one in particular.
“She’s in shock. We’re trying to get her stable.” Sarg is above me, and puts his hand on my shoulder. “I have to go. You boys good?’ I nod and Holden looks down at me.
“You stay with Kat. We’ll meet you at the hospital.”
I don’t answer; I just turn back to Kat and take her hand in mine. I lift her hand to my lips and place a kiss on her wrist. I close my eyes, never wanting to feel what it would be like to never feel her skin on my lips again. I’m surprised the sweet vanilla scent is there, but it reminds me she’s going to be alright. When I open my eyes, I see her lashes flutter.
“Kat. I’m here.” I kiss her hand again, trying my best not to get in the way of my friends who are taking care of her. “It’s all over. You’re safe now.”
When her eyes flutter open, the confusion and sadness is impossible to ignore. When her eyes meet mine, they soften and she begins to cry. I brush her hair from her head and kiss her softly. “I love you.” I don’t know what else I can say. I have no idea what she saw, or what she’s been through. By the look of her right now, she’s just seen things that will be burned into her memories forever.
She squeezes my hand and I can see a small smile of relief appear under the oxygen mask. “We have to transport her.” I’m not sure who’s talking to me because there’s no way I’m taking my eyes off Kat. The second her eyes met mine, I could feel her pulse slow and regulate. “You can ride with her.”
When they lift her onto the stretcher, our hands remained locked. When the ring I gave her scratches against my hand, I think to myself that I’m not waiting any longer to live our lives together. Life is short, and I’m not spending another day without her at my side.
Kat
“This Love”
I’ve been in the hospital for three days, and sitting here next to Joey in his car, finally on my way home, I have a feeling of calm that I didn’t think would be possible after what I’ve been through. Every time I think of what happened, I almost panic all over again. It’s as if all the feelings I kept at bay when Todd was terrorizing our school rushes back to the surface. I still don’t know all the details of what happened that day, and I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to know them. There were some questions I had about that day, and since Holden and Joey have been able to get information about what happened because of their connections, they were able to give me some answers. I think the most shocking thing for me was that Todd had been planning an attack like this since he was in the sixth grade. Authorities found diaries of his intent and his targets, although some of the targets have changed over the years. He developed paranoid thoughts about certain students and their actions towards him over the years. He saw any kindness as fake and a mask for their true intent to hurt or destroy him.
He had meticulously planned a focused assault on the school and was able to follow through with most of it. Video surveillance of the school showed that he had padlocked the four main entrances right before the last period began without anyone stopping him. Students who saw this happening had said that they just assumed it was something that he was told to do by a school administrator. He then went to his locker and put his mask on, pulled out seven homemade bombs and a semi-automatic rifle he stole from his parents. He went directly to the administration office and shot every single person who was on in-house suspension for the online bullying incident. Part of me wonders if those kids weren’t at school that day, and if the school had done what they should have, would he have ever done this? It seemed to be the opportunity he had been waiting for to ensure all of his targets would be eliminated.
Every time I close my eyes, I see the hurt in his eyes when the reality of what he had just done hit him. I thought I knew Todd, but the Todd I thought he was would have never done this. When he was planning this horrific act, he was thinking only of his pain, not of the pain he would be causing, and when he realized the gravity of the situation, I saw nothing but regret in his eyes. The way he looked at me with such defeat in his eyes right before he was killed breaks my hea
rt. And it breaks my heart even though I know he was about to kill me, too. I have no doubt of it
Our school is now closed for the summer, hoping to rebuild and be back and running by September, but I won’t be going back, that I know. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to walk those halls again without being paralyzed by sadness at the memory of what happened there. I didn’t realize how absolutely terrified I was until after it was over. I was acting on pure adrenaline when the lockdown began. Everything was happening so quickly and at times I felt as if no matter how many times our school spent practicing for something like this, none of it mattered because there’s nothing I could do once he was trying to break in our room but have the kids jump out the window. In training, we’re always told to stay put. I have no doubt if those kids didn’t get out, they’d be dead. He wouldn’t have stopped to talk to me. He wouldn’t have paused at all; he would’ve just shot us all, just like he did in the office and in the other English room where he threw one of his bombs.
These past few days, Joey hasn’t left my side. He’s been eating and sleeping at my side at the hospital while I recover from a concussion and the anxiety attack I had after I was rescued. I’ll never in my life forget the way I felt when I saw Joey on that field after I had been taken out of the building. I love him—I’ve never doubted that—but the intense feeling of safety and calm that he brought me then was more than love. It’s more than any other feeling I have ever had. He was the only thing that flashed before me when Todd held the gun to my face and I had thought he shot me when I heard the gun go off. The way Joey loves me and takes care of me, inside and out, is something more than love.