I tie my wild hair into a ponytail on top of my head before I grab my phone and walk to the kitchen to start some coffee. Just the thought of coffee puts a smile on my face after the night I had. It’s my true love, the one thing that can put a smile on my face every morning just with the thought that it’s waiting for me and will always be there for me. The thought makes me giggle as I look down at my phone. I have four new messages. The first is from Cam, asking me to bring extra eggs because it seems DJ thought they’d be a fun toy. The next two are from Kevin, telling me how much he enjoyed last night, and the other telling me he loves me. I smile a little. He’s been gone only an hour and is acting as if it’s been all day.
The last message is from Joey and it was sent at four a.m. What’s he doing up at four in the morning, texting me?
I don’t want to know.
I roll my eyes at the thought and read his message.
Joey: Sorry about last night, Kitty Kat. You know I’m just looking out for you. You only deserve the best. “Scientist”
The thumping of my heart and shortness of breath from that stupid text infuriates me. My body betrays me every time when it comes to Joey, but luckily my mind is stronger. That song also pisses me off because a part of me wishes he really felt that way about me.
He.
Never.
Will.
Joey can’t commit; I know it. He’s done everything possible to make sure I knew that over the years, and I truly have accepted it. Well, at least my mind has accepted it. My heart is another story.
I constantly remind myself that he’s not someone who can be changed. Joey’s like Scotch tape in a hurricane: he can’t stick. But as much as I tell myself this, I can’t keep that stupid girl in my brain from making my insides turn to mush when he does shit like that. I smile proudly to myself for letting my mind take control over my heart when I type my response. It will reinforce the boundary Kevin set last night.
Me: Next time, just don’t bring your conquests to my doorstep in the middle of the night when you’re trying to save me from my BOYFRIEND— “Womanizer”
I toss my phone aside and try not to think what the repercussions of that text to Joey will be when I see him at Cam’s in an hour. So what if I haven’t decided to get back together with Kevin yet? I just don’t want Joey getting so worked up every time I’m with him. I remind myself the way he protects me is in a brotherly way, not in the way I wish it was. Our relationship has always been different with each other than it is with the others, and I don’t want the lines any more blurred than they are anymore.
Joey
“Always in My Head”
After I saw the look on Kat’s face when she saw Steph on the sidewalk, the hate I feel for myself bubbled to the surface. Why am I such an ass sometimes?
Kevin.
Kevin’s the only person to get my blood boiling the way it did last night and it makes me want to punch him out even more for that. It’s not only because he’s screwed with Kat’s heart one time too many; it’s because I know that there’s just something not right about him, and I don’t trust him one bit. One minute, he’s checking out every chick who walks by and trying to hook up with anything with a pulse, and the other, he’s stalking Kat everywhere she goes. Kat’s like a possession to him: something he sees as his. And I have no doubt he’ll do anything he can to keep it that way. I’ve seen a lot of weird shit in my life and I know that’s a dude who needs to know he’s being watched. I always want him to have me in the back of his mind. I want him to always know that if he ever hurts Kat again, I’ll be there to make sure he pays for it.
After the disaster on Kat’s doorstep, Steph decided that she had enough and politely made an excuse to go home. I can’t say I minded, or blamed her. I knew the second I walked out of Duke’s with her, I was making a mistake. When I went back out to my car last night to get my wallet that I had accidently left on the dashboard when I was making out with Steph in the car in my vain effort to get Kat off my mind, I saw the asshole’s white BMW in front of Kat’s house and my stomach fell to the floor. Gage and Jess told me that after this last break-up, Kat told Kevin she wanted space. Kat also told them that he held her against the door and wouldn’t let her go when he came over to beg for forgiveness.
Again.
Kat told them she was scared, and I don’t blame her. That guy has crazy written all over him. I promised Jess that I would keep an eye on Kat, and that pussy ass white car parked almost sideways into the street at that time of night screamed that something frantic and impulsive was about to happen. I shot a few texts to Kat first; she always responds, and told myself that if she didn’t respond, I’d go over there. When I had no response, the fear overtook me.
I didn’t even think of Steph when I took off down the street to Kat’s place, and had no idea she followed me. I actually surprised myself that I didn’t break down the door right away and had enough restraint to knock first. When she opened the door, it took everything inside me not to blast past Kat and knock that smug smirk off that fucker’s face. And when he wrapped her up in his arms, the rage that surged through me and made me see red was impossible to hide. He doesn’t deserve her, and by the look on her face, I’m not sure if he has her again.
I almost grabbed Kat and took her back with me to my house, but my hope was crumbled when she mentioned Steph, and it was only then that I was brought back to reality and regained my composure. Kat’s words hurt, but I know she’s right, and feel like an ass for behaving this way. I’ve always been fiercely protective over my friends; they’re everything to me. I keep excusing my feeling for her as just that: me protecting one of my friends from being hurt again. When I found out what happened to Cam, and when I lost Dave, I became even more determined to do everything I can to protect the ones I love. And Kat—well, Kat’s on top of my list.
Relief washes over me when I hear “Green Eyes” playing from my phone. That’s my ringtone for Kat, and I can only hope her message means she forgives my stupidity last night. She knows me well enough to know I’m truly just looking out for her.
When I see the word boyfriend in all capital letters, I throw my phone across the room and shatter it into pieces against the walls. I’m not even going to think of why it pisses me off that she got back together with that psychotic prick; I’m too pissed that she thinks that’s the best she can do. Kat’s the girl of any man’s dream—I should know—and it kills me that she doesn’t see how truly special she is.
I look down at my destroyed phone and go to my computer to email Helen so she can order me a new phone. Helen won’t question what I did to my phone, and she’ll have one here, all ready to go, by the time I get back from brunch with the gang. I have to do something to stop how crazy I’ve been getting about Kat. I have to make a change, but I’m just not sure what that change is. Just the thought of not seeing her every chance I can makes my heart hurt.
I’m glad we’re all getting together today because then it won’t be just me telling Kat what an idiot she is for getting back together with that cock sucker and seeming like the jealous ass she must think I am. She needs to hear from all of them how stupid it is to get back together with him.
Again.
Hell, as much as everyone gets on me for not settling down and committing, at least I don’t keep going back to someone who treats me horribly and is bat-shit crazy. I just don’t know how Kat doesn’t see what a narcissistic psychopath he is. She seems to think his possessiveness and jealousy is normal. He’s brainwashed her into thinking that’s how people act when they’re in love.
I could show her what love really is.
Just as soon as the thought enters my mind, I push it away, and run upstairs to throw on some jeans and my hoodie and brush my teeth. All the while, I try to think about anything but the fact that Kat is back with Kevin. My obsessiveness with Kat has me wondering whether these weekly breakfasts and living down the street from her is a good thing anymore. Maybe I should move back into the big ho
use for a while, until I can get my act back together. I look out my front window far too much these days and wonder whether I should criticize Kevin’s actions when mine aren’t much different. The fact that I can actually empathize with Kevin’s possessiveness over Kat makes me feel sick. It appears she can literally drive a man crazy. Only, I’m not a complete cheating dick-wad like Kevin, so that at least sets us apart. I have never and would never cheat. Cheating is for cowards. I’m. No. Coward.
Maybe that’s why I’ve only had one serious relationship with someone: Penelope Shultz. I even thought I was in love with her for a brief time. We dated in high school for six months, and in the beginning, she was all I thought about. She was my first everything, and I was hers. For a moment, I thought that I had finally found someone who’d make me want to be with just one person. But then Kat came along. Fucking Kat, of course, began to be all I could think about when she moved to Mantoloking.
Her endless, toned legs.
Her intoxicating green eyes.
Her inviting lips.
I knew I wasn’t in love with Penelope anymore if I thought so much about another girl, so I broke things off and ever since that day, I vowed to never be in a relationship with anyone who couldn’t make me stop thinking about Kat.
Up until now, I haven’t realized how fucked up that is.
Never. Not once have I actually stopped to think of the fact that when I’m with Kat, there’s no other woman I think about. When we’re all out together, my eyes don’t wander to the other women around. In fact, all I do when I’m out with Kat is make sure every dude in the room knows she’s with me. When I’m with Kat, there’s nothing but her.
I stand in my bathroom and stare into the mirror. How could I have been such a blind fool all these years, instead of accepting what my heart has been telling me? The realization that my overreaction last night was because I’m falling for Kat hits me like a ton of bricks and for the first time, I allow myself to believe it. I’ve always had feelings for Kat, and never denied that, but the feelings I’m realizing I have for her are much more than I’ve ever wanted to admit. I don’t care about her the same way I do Jess and Cam, I never have. My feelings for her have always been something much different.
Could there be a chance for something more between us?
Just the thought makes me nervous, and I’m never nervous when it comes to women. I know it’s a risk to take that step with Kat—I still don’t know if I’d ever be able to give her everything she deserves. I’m not used to sharing a sandwich, much less a life with someone. The only consistent figures in my life have ever been my friends and Helen. My parents have always traveled for months at a time to movie shoots for as long as I can remember, leaving me in the caring hands of dear, sweet Helen. Helen’s now almost sixty and has treated me as her own since day one. She’s a motherly figure, who tells me how it is and hands me a cookie to ease the blow. Helen loves Kat. She loves all my friends and has always said how happy she is to see I’ve made my own family with theirs because she’s given up hope on me settling down. She has tried to convince me more than once to go for Kat and to give it a try with her, but I can’t just try with Kat.
The more I think about asking Kat to be mine, the more my doubts and insecurities that feel so foreign to me wane. I realize now that I’m willing to risk it all for her, but am afraid I’ll do something to screw it all up, like I always do. I’m going to need someone to talk this out with so I can be sure I’m not just acting on impulse, which I tend to do when there’s something I want but don’t have. Tonight, I’ll have to spill my guts to Helen at our Sunday dinner and see what I should do. She has yet to steer me wrong.
I grab the crumb bun cake I bought for brunch from my counter and make my way down the stone covered street to Cam and Holden’s place. A welcomed cool breeze passes over me, calming my nerves that prick when I see Kat on Cam’s porch. I brush my hair out of my eyes, and remind myself not to act jealous about what happened with Kevin last night. Jess and Cam will do all the work for me when they find out they’re back together. I need to just act calm and cool, like I am every time I’m not with her, and not let her know how much her text got to me this morning. I’m sure she has no clue just how much that one text may have changed my life. Our life. It made me see things between us differently. No, it made me see things more clearly. And I need to figure everything out before I make my move, because when I do, I want it to be right. I have to stop being worried about what could happen, and just listen to my heart for once, like Holden and Gage did. I have to stop worrying about the consequences I’ll face if things don’t work out between us, because deep inside I know I’ll do everything and anything to make sure she knows how it feels to be loved.
“Good morning, ladies!” I give Kat and Cam my sweet, innocent smile that I know they both love and hop up the step, kissing them both on the cheek. I linger a moment on Kat’s, and take in her sweet, vanilla scent, before I hand Cam the crumb cake.
“It’s still warm. God, Joey, sometimes you really are the best! Now, get your butt inside and let’s eat. You’re late.” When Cam walks through the door, I reach for Kat’s hand and turn her back to me. The shock of pleasure that shoots through me when her soft skin touches mine is another sign that my feelings for her are real. How could I have been ignoring all of the signs for so long?
She flashes me an annoyed look that would tell anyone else to let go, but I don’t because the slight grin she’s trying so desperately to hide emerges when I pull her hand to my lips and place a soft kiss on her smooth hand. “I was out of line last night and I am sorry. I hope you and your boyfriend can forgive me.” I notice the way she flinches slightly the way my heart did when I say boyfriend and her smile fades again. I don’t want her upset, so I do the only thing I can think of and pick on her. “Oh, loved your song choice, by the way. You know Britney Spears is one of my favorites. She’s so hot.” I wink to lighten the mood, hoping she’s not going to spend the morning angry with me.
Luckily, she laughs at my comment and turns to walk inside. She doesn’t let go of my hand, and I do an internal high five. “I’d say it should be your new theme song,” she quips over her shoulder. I can hear a hint of jealousy that makes me wonder whether she could possibly be feeling the same as me.
Her words make me do the one thing I told myself I would wait to say. I stop her in her tracks and turn her to face me. We stand so close, I can feel the breath from her lips mix with mine. “What if I don’t want to be that guy anymore? What if I’m just looking for the person to make me want to be different?” There’s hope in my words that I pray she recognizes.
Her eyes never leave mine, and I can almost see confusion and questions float through her mind. She closes her eyes, the gateway into her soul, and takes a deep breath, biting at the corner of her lip and driving me wild. I squeeze her hand to urge her to look at me. To let me back in.
Her lashes flutter open; her green eyes pierce mine with regret. “Let me know when you find that person, Joey.” She releases her hand from mine and steps back, straightening her posture and closing off her heart to me. “Until then, stop banging down my door in the middle of the night when I’m on a date.”
When she walks away, I press my head against the wall in frustration. She didn’t realize I was talking about her. I want her to be the person to make me want to change, no one else. I feel a pat on the back and a Bloody Mary appears below my hovering head.
“Looks like you need this after that shutdown.” He smiles at my pathetic defeat, and hands me my drink. “Jess told me what an ass you were last night. Kat called her this morning and told her everything.” I turn to see Gage look at me pathetically and Holden laugh behind his drink at Gage’s side. I’m sure it’s hilarious to Holden and Gage that I, of all people, got all girl crazy last night.
“Look, Gage, you are the one who told me that Kat felt physically threatened by Kevin. So when I saw his car out there, that time of night, parked sideways in the
street like a maniac and she didn’t return my texts—which she always does, by the way—I did what you asked me to do, and went to check on Kat.” Holden laughs again, and Gage’s eyes are wide open when I defend myself this way. I realize even more how crazy Kat makes me.
“Get a hold of yourself Joey. Jess and Cam will have your balls if you fuck with Kat. If you make a move—a real move—you better be sure.” Holden becomes serious; he knows that if I want to be with Kat, it can’t be just for fun. “And if what we just witnessed was your attempt at a move, you’re going to need a lot of help, because that was pathetic.”
Holden and Gage high-five one another. I give them the finger.
“Yeah, and if you do want Kat to ever take you seriously, try not to bring another woman with you when you try to be her knight in shining armor! Just a suggestion.” Gage laughs again, shuts the door behind me, and urges me back to the girls. “Enough embarrassing yourself, and let’s go eat.”
When I enter the kitchen, I’m instantly bombarded by little hands and high-pitched squealing, and all else fades away. I love these kids as if they’re my own. Holden and Cam’s girls jump up, plant quick kisses on my cheeks and ask for the crumb cake. They are getting so big now, it’s hard to believe they were once little babies. Charlotte’s right beside them, asking me to come and listen to the new song she learned to play on her flute, and I promise her I will right after brunch. DJ’s climbing up my pants, so I take him up in my arms and nuzzle him close. It’s so cool seeing Holden and Cam’s faces all twisted into one. This little guy’s a fireball, but when he’s with me, he settles in and calms right down. I think he’s learned to save up his energy for our wrestling matches that always happen at some point, but Cam thinks I’m the baby whisper, and I don’t correct her. I put DJ down so he can go run into his room and play with one of his billion toys. When all of the kids are back off playing together, I don’t see Holden and Gage anywhere. That’s when I gather the courage to go over to the girls and subject myself to their teasing that is sure to come.