Cam leans against the counter and eyes me suspiciously as she listens intently to Jess talking animatedly about an upcoming event they’re having at her restaurant for her GoodFellas Foundation. I can’t help but smile at Jess’s enthusiasm. I still get a pang of sadness every time I see her because to me, Jess is Dave. They have always been one in my mind. And when he died, Jess became the only piece of him that I still have. I lean over to kiss her head, ruffling her hair like I always do, and take a sip from my stiff drink. I try to look everywhere but at Kat, try to hide my affection that it seems everyone is now aware of, but I can’t help myself. My unavoidable attraction to her draws my eyes to hers and it takes everything in me not to throw her on top of the counter and show her that she’s the one for me.
I think she can change it all for me.
Everything about her this morning is effortless. She looks casual and beautiful all at the same time, and I’m sure she’s also trying to prove the point that she doesn’t care what I think about her after my display of crazy last night. Her hair is thrown up atop her head and makes me think of the ways I could ruffle it in bed. The blue casual shirt she’s wearing dips just enough to make me want to drop something on the floor just to be able to watch her bend over to pick it up. She’s quite simply the most attractive person I’ve ever met and I can’t believe I’ve been dumb enough to deny myself her perfection this long. The only trouble is getting her to believe in me and give me a chance. That and the fact that she has to make the right decision and leave Kevin for good. Even if she doesn’t want me, it can’t be Kevin. She deserves better than him.
All these years, for so long, I couldn’t understand how Dave, Holden, and Gage could be so certain about someone. How could they want to give up the freedom and variety that the single life provides to be with one person forever? But in the hours since I’ve allowed myself to imagine more with Kat, I see things differently. Now, I’m the one who feels certain. I’m the one who doesn’t want anyone but Kat.
“How are my favorite girls? Can I help with anything?” I flip a piece of bacon in my mouth as Jess tries to swat it away.
“I think you helped enough last night, Joey. Why don’t you go out to the deck with the guys? We’re just getting the kids’ plates together, then we’ll bring out the rest of the food.” Kat clearly spilled the beans about my impulsiveness last night to everyone, not just Jess, and I feel like a total ass. Jess kisses my cheek, and I know she isn’t mad at me for being a royal douche last night. I think she may even like what I did by the way she smiles knowingly at me.
I push off the counter and take Kat’s hand in mine again, not caring that Jess and Cam are watching. What do I care? If I’m going to make my move with Kat, they’ll find out anyway. I turn her so that she has no choice but to face me. I can’t help myself and brush a piece of hair that fell over her eyes behind her ear. “Can I come by tonight after dinner with Helen?”
She smiles and I know it’s because she loves Helen and not because I asked to come over. Her smile soon turns to a look of exasperation and she takes a step away again. “If you’re coming over to talk to me about Kevin, no. But if you’re coming over to watch Game of Thrones, then yes.”
I almost forgot that Game of Thrones was on tonight. Perfect excuse. “I’ll be there by eight, alright?” I know she’s contemplating things when she bites down on the side of her lip and I reach out again and rub my hand across the side of her face, wishing so badly I could lean in and kiss her. “I’ll be good, promise.”
“See you at eight.” She smiles up at me and straightens her stance before she walks over to the others, closing me off like she always does in times like these. That’s the one thing I’m going to change about Kat. I’m not going to let her ever shut me out again.
Kat
“All I Want”
I think I’m going to declare today Crazy Day.
There’s no way this day could have turned out more unexpectedly than it has. Joey was unusually sweet and affectionate to me this morning at Cam’s, and it was weirding me out. He’s always been affectionate when we’re out and had a couple of drinks with the others, but the way he was looking at me today with those intense blue eyes had my head spinning with wonder. I wondered why it seemed he found an opportunity to touch me at every moment. He would brush my hair from my face, tease me just so he could wrap me up in his arms, lingering longer than usual. He even took my hand in his when he wanted to show me the new boat the Cunninghams, from down the lagoon, just bought. When we got down to the lower deck, he stood behind me, and drew me up against him, with one arm across my chest. He described every detail of the stunning boat, but I didn’t hear a thing he said because the way he held me against him, so casually, so intimately, made me hope for things I didn’t think were possible.
Something.
Was.
Different.
Whatever was happening between us today was not something I wanted to question or address, because whatever was going on in that mind of his was a fleeting feeling that would change in an instant. I reminded myself over and over that Joey doesn’t do relationships. He doesn’t want to be tied down. He doesn’t want the restrictions of love. I reminded myself of all the things he’s ever said to me and felt each lock around my heart click into place.
After two hours of obsessing about Joey at brunch, I came home to several messages and texts from Kevin, which only added to the craziness of my day. His messages were filled with professions of love and promises of a future together. My insides cringed when I saw them and I took it as a much-needed sign. I still love Kevin, but know he’ll never change. He’s proved it to me several times. And although we didn’t break up because of his cheating this time, I still question whether or not it was just a matter of time before he did.
I’ve been going back and forth, trying to decide how to answer his messages today, am becoming increasingly glad that I never answered him last night when he asked me to get back together with him. If I was ready to take him back, I would be happy about his messages and not turned off by them. I know that this won’t be the last time we talk, even if I want it to be, but I need to be consistent with him, and not let my emotions take over like they did last night. Last night was a mistake, and I should’ve never let him back in my life that way. Instead of calling him like he asked, I decide to send a text message that I need time to be on my own for a while. I agree to lunch with him this week so I can officially break things off for good; a text message isn’t the right way to end a relationship with someone who’s been in my life as long as he has. The only reason for getting back together with Kevin at this point in our lives would be because I know that he’s someone I want to marry. I don’t think he’s that person for me. If he isn’t, then there’s no point in getting back together other than to have someone at my side. Someone who’s comfortable. Someone familiar. But is that what I want, or do I want something exciting? Something different? Something passionate? I squeeze my eyes shut when Joey’s face came to mind at that thought.
I’m snapped back to reality when I hear a knock at my door and am relieved this time to know it’s not one of the men in my life haunting my thoughts, but a sweet thirteen-year-old named Todd that I tutor every Sunday and Wednesday. He’s about the kindest boy I’ve ever met, and I love our time together. He’s one of those kids who has to work extra hard to learn, but over the past year, he has picked up the skills that help him to learn the way his brain works, rather than the traditional way. His mom hired me to help prepare him for tests, and review the work from the prior week. He’s a welcomed distraction before Joey comes over.
“Hi, Ms. Pierce,” he says shyly as he makes his way inside and over to the table in the study. Todd is so reserved. So shy. I want nothing more than for him to find his confidence. I wish I could help him find a way to find something in himself to set goals and find fun activities to keep his mind occupied, because to me, he always seems sad. I understand having a learning difference is
hard, especially when trying to make friends who don’t understand, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
“Todd!” I say in my happiest voice and pat his back before I take a seat across from him. “How has your weekend been? Did you do anything fun?”
He instantly blushes and smiles, making me smile. He so rarely smiles a real smile. “I was invited to a party at Ocean Lanes last night. It was fun.”
Todd’s rarely invited to anything and spends most of his time on the computer, playing Call of Duty or some other video games. The fact that he was not only asked to go out with a group of kids his age, but he actually went, makes me want to do a happy dance for him. “How’d it go?”
He blushes even more. “Everyone was nice. Barry was there too, so at least I had a friend. I…” He pauses for a minute and looks down at his papers. “I talked to a girl. Her name is Sara, and I’ve always thought she was cute. I remembered what you told me once and I did it.”
His look of victory filled me with such pure joy. “What great advice did I give you?”
He sits up proudly in his seat, looking more confident than ever before. “You said to always listen to your heart and don’t be afraid of rejection. You said that sometimes our biggest victories come from our biggest failures. I never talk to girls because I tell myself they won’t like me. But instead, of being afraid of her saying no, I took a chance and walked right up to her, and we talked almost the entire time. She’s even coming over after school tomorrow to play Minecraft with me.”
“I’m so happy for you,” I say thinking to myself that I should take my own advice and stop worrying about being rejected by Joey and take a chance with him. As soon as the thought enters my mind, I push it away and remind myself that a relationship with Joey would be sure to be my biggest failure.
Two minutes before eight, I hear the knock on the front door to let me know Joey’s here. I broke down and showered after Todd left; I slipped on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt before I headed downstairs to get some snacks together for the show. I always have snacks when the gang comes over, whether it’s everyone, or just one, and I can’t change the way I do things just because I don’t want Joey to think I’m going to fall for his act. I’m not sure what’s come over him, but I keep telling myself I know him well enough to know that his actions are a result of his absolute loyalty as a friend. I ignore the possibility he’s acting so weird because he’s jealous about Kevin.
When I open the door, I curse quietly under my breath at the sight of him. I don’t know whether it’s because he’s someone I know I can never have, or whether it’s that he’s truly a perfect specimen of a man, but the way his tattoo peeks out from the top of his worn black t-shirt sends shocks of desire through me. His gray hoodie thankfully hides the tattoos he has etched in his skin on his arms as reminders of those he’s loved and lost.
He playfully smiles up at me and holds a bottle of wine. “I come in peace. I thought we could drink along with the Lannisters tonight.”
I smile at his reference to Game of Thrones and open the door wide enough for him to pass by me. I can smell the clean scent of shampoo from his still damp hair that he now seems to be growing out on top again. I love his hair a little longer on top, and have always wondered what it would feel like sliding between my fingertips.
He walks straight back to the kitchen, making himself at home as usual. I wonder to myself whether it’s weird for him to be here, with me, in this house that used to be Jess’s. I take out two glasses, while he grabs the bottle opener, and turn to him. I’m a pile of nerves and I have no idea why, other than the way that Joey keeps looking at me is making me uncomfortable. It’s as if he has a secret that I’m not in on. I straighten my stance and clear my throat, trying to settle the battle going on inside me.
“I can’t believe there’s only one more episode left this season. What are we going to do on Sundays when it’s over?” I try to make small talk while he pours our glasses of wine.
A sly smile comes over his face, and he looks up at me with a raised eyebrow. “I can think of plenty of ways we could spend our Sunday nights.”
I teasingly slap his back at his suggestive comment like I always do, even though a part of me wishes it wasn’t just another one of his usual raggings.
We settle in on the couch together, and I’m careful to sit on the opposite side, and pull my legs tightly under me, to show him that tonight was not going to be one of our snuggle nights. Whatever weirdness that has been going on between us since he almost broke down my door last night will only be made weirder if I nestle into the crook of his neck like I love to. I love to cuddle, and so does he. So sometimes, when we’re together this way, just to two of us, we snuggle and nothing more. Only tonight, I don’t think I could handle it. I have too many conflicted feelings about Kevin to work through without muddling them with irrational feelings of affection for Joey.
I sip on my wine and Joey takes the remote to turn it to HBO. He leans back and shuts off the only light illuminating the room and looks at me in a way that makes my heart skip a beat. “Come here.” He pats his chest and my determination from moments ago shrivels away. I slide over to his side and lean into his muscular chest, fitting far too perfectly there. I hear him take a deep breath, and I smile at the comfort it always brings me when he does that. It’s as if he’s finally at home and relaxing when we’re together.
I try to hide the fact that my heart’s racing and my insides are melting when he scratches gently up and down my arm when the credits begin. “How about we play a drinking game and drink every time they say ‘cunt’?” I can’t believe I just suggested a drinking game at our age, but am clearly feeling desperate.
Joey tightens his grip on my shoulder, kisses the top of my head and laughs. “I don’t want to get you drunk tonight, Kat. I don’t think your boyfriend would appreciate that.”
I recoil at his words and decide to be honest. “He’s not quite my boyfriend again. I may have been just trying to piss you off.” I don’t want him to know how badly I want him to have acted that way because he was jealous and try to backtrack. “I’m not sure what I want and it’s not fair of me to string him along if I’m not sure.” I realize that I really need to stop explaining what’s going on between Kevin and me, and try to watch the show.
Joey takes a deep breath again and tilts my chin so that I have no choice but to look up at his crystal blue eyes. “He doesn’t deserve you or your sympathy, Kat. You deserve so much more than him. You deserve to be cherished.” His voice is almost a whisper and it melts my insides even more.
I hate that my first thought is that I wish he was the one to cherish me, so I do what I always do and ignore his statement. “Yeah, well, we’ll see. Kevin and I have a long history together, and it’s not as easy as you may think.”
“It seems pretty simple to me. Just rip off the Band-Aid and move on, Kat. If you don’t make yourself available to someone else, you’ll never know what could have been.” He brushes the curls from my face. “Give someone else a chance.”
His eyes are filled with something different, something that he has never let me see before, and for a second I almost believe he’s asking me to give him a chance. I’m brought back to reality when his phone rings. A girl’s name pops on his phone in front of us on the coffee table. He leans forward, cursing to himself, and silences it. I sit up a bit straighter and make some space between us.
“Enough heavy talk for the night. The show’s starting. Are we playing the game or not?” I try to get back to our friendly banter and away from the hope glimmering in the back of my mind.
He smiles at me sweetly and hold his intense gaze on me. “Sure, I’ll play, but this conversation is not over.”
Great.
Just.
Great.
Joey
“Distance”
I finally lure her back into my arms about halfway in to Game of Thrones and two glasses of wine later. Thank God this show’s an hour long, because
for the first half hour, Kat sat in the far corner like the Ice Queen, her wine glass in front of her like a protective shield. I know my behavior last night and this morning has her on edge around me, and I don’t want that. One of my favorite things about us together is the easiness between us. There’s always been a level of comfort and trust between us, and that’s mainly because I’ve never broken that trust.
After my dinner and long lecture by Helen, I realize more than ever that if I ever want Kat to give me a chance, I have to prove to her I’m serious. Helen has been a mother figure to me ever since I can remember. She knows me better than my own mother, and is always here for me when I need her. Even when I don’t realize I need her, she’s there with open arms and honest advice. Helen knows me and my playboy ways more than anyone, so she was quick to tear into me when I told her about my change in feelings for Kat. Or to put it in Helen’s words, the realization of my feelings about Kat.