Until she looked at the smile that Olivia gave Brenna. That was when she finally understood. This remarkable change had less to do with Brenna herself than it did the presence of Saraqael’s daughters—Olivia in particular.
And for a reason that eluded Tabitha, that knowledge angered her.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
James knew that he had screwed up terribly with Olivia.
The past two weeks since they had gone to greet Aurora’s mate had been beyond agonizing, made all the worse because he had no idea how to fix what he had broken between them. Every attempt he made to talk to her about it, she deflected. And the more time that elapsed, the further he felt her pulling away from him.
It was ripping him apart.
To say her last sincere words to him had caught him completely off-guard was a tremendous understatement. He hadn’t even been able to fully process what she was saying before she was walking away. And here they were.
She had explained the concept of love to him while Gabriel and Amber had been on their honeymoon. At the time, most human emotion had been entirely beyond his grasp of understanding. But he remembered the conversation very clearly, as he did all of the conversations he had with her.
“What does it mean to humans to be married?” he had asked.
As always, she had given the question her careful consideration. Her patience with teaching him about humanity had been one of the things he had first most appreciated about her.
She had answered, “I suppose the best answer is that marriage means different things to different people. There are some people who consider marriage a convenience…there are all kinds of reasons for that. And there are still a few cultures that marry only for the reason of continuing a certain bloodline, or for the sake of making political or social alliances. But Amber and Gabriel wanted to get married as an expression of their love and commitment to each other. This is the ultimate way to seal such a vow on the human plane.”
He had considered this for a long moment. “And what does it mean to love?”
That had caused her to pause for a longer period of time. “Well, the same basic answer applies. Love means a great many things. Many of them don’t apply on this plane. A human parent loves a child, for example. A sister loves a brother. These are connections by blood and heritage.
“Love like that shared between Amber and Gabriel usually begins as friendship. A person establishes some kind of kinship with another person. They may have similar lifestyles or interests. In Amber’s case, she moved into the same foster home as Gabriel when she was twelve and they went through part of middle school and all of high school together. They became best friends, meaning that for them, there was no one else they trusted more, no one they would rather turn to for support or comfort. For humans, having that element of friendship before any other type of connection often results in the strongest relationships.
“So,” she had concluded, “if your goal is to find out what Gabriel means when he says he loves Amber, he is essentially saying that to him, she is his other half. He trusts her, and he has faith in her. She embodies what he considers the very best qualities in another individual.”
Thus, he had heard Olivia’s definition of love before her unexpected declaration. But that conversation had been one of many that had occurred months before and wasn’t at the forefront of his mind when he brought her down to see Aurora and her mate.
Instead, his first and most overriding thought when he absorbed her words had been that his leader—Olivia’s brother—was going to kill him as painfully as possible.
As his confused thoughts had tumbled through his dazed brain, he had reasoned that she must be saying such a thing because of their kissing, seeing as he had thought of little else since then. And Gabriel had warned him and Caleb about taking such liberties with the girls when he first met with them after the girls transitioned. His threats had been quite clear and very, very anatomically specific.
Thus, James’ rather natural fear about his leader’s vengeance for disregarding one of his primary tenants had been at the base of his initial reaction. And even then, when he saw Olivia’s expression fall when he stumbled crazily away from her, he had wanted to explain his response to her…let her know that he had absolutely no idea how he was going to explain this to Gabriel, and, more importantly, that he couldn’t believe that she meant it toward him of all beings. But somehow the words hadn’t gotten past the hammering of his heart in his throat.
And then she had left him. Nothing had been the same since.
He would never forget the devastation on her face when she said she understood what he was saying. Her words had been emotionless, as if she couldn’t manage to put more than the basic emphasis into them. The look in her beautiful eyes told him that she actually didn’t understand a thing he was trying to say, yet he hadn’t been able to command the words to stop her from turning away from him.
He had regained some semblance of control over himself during the walk back to her bedroom, and had intended to talk to her then. But she had walked right past him into the bathroom and locked the door against him. Instead of explaining himself, he had listened at the door as she wept. Knowing he had been the cause of that painful emotion—one he had never before heard from her—had just about shredded him.
“Olivia—” he had said the moment she emerged from the bathroom.
“Don’t,” she had responded in a colder voice than he had ever heard from her, the evidence of her emotion all over her face. “I can’t stand it, James. Just don’t.”
And so he hadn’t. He hadn’t been willing to cause her even more pain while trying to fix the hurt he had already caused her. That night, he had lain awake, composing all manner of logical thoughts to share with her about what had happened. He knew that she would listen to him, as she always did, and they would come to a joint resolution about everything.
In the morning, she had risen and gone directly into the bathroom. He had listened to more weeping, the sound like daggers through his chest. But he had borne that, believing they would get to talk about it when she was out of the bathroom.
Once again, she went completely outside of her habits and emerged from the bathroom wearing only a towel around her. When she had calmly asked him to leave the room so she could get dressed, he hadn’t had any choice but to retreat to his bedroom to give her the privacy she sought. And once she was done getting ready, she had walked through the hallway to Skye’s bedroom, spending the rest of the morning in there.
She had gone to very similar lengths to avoid him since then. Every night she walked straight into the bathroom, changed into her pajamas and then crawled into bed, claiming exhaustion. But he knew very well that she slept only fitfully, often shedding tears that she probably thought he wasn’t aware of.
Every morning, she now walked into the bathroom without her change of clothes, forcing him from the room when she emerged.
Almost worse was being around her throughout the course of the day, interacting with her and watching her interact with those around her, all the while being unable to really communicate with her. He saw the strain on her face, recognized her smiles as false, and could do absolutely nothing about it. He saw her sisters exchanging glances and realized even they had no idea what was wrong. Gabriel had given him a few considering looks, but if there was one being he did not want to share his thoughts with, it was his leader.
And so, here he was, two weeks later, ready to crawl on all fours through demon fire just to have Olivia give him one more smile. He wanted nothing more than to have a full minute of her attention so he could convey one overriding fact.
He was simply not worthy of her.
She deserved someone who understood what love meant. Someone who didn’t fumble so very badly when she expressed something so important to him.
The only problem he found with this seemingly simple fact was that whenever he considered saying such a thing, he didn’t believe it. He didn’t truly believe tha
t he could ever let her go to someone else, no matter how much better it might be for her. She belonged with him.
So the question became, how could he convince both of them that he was right?
Olivia got through one day at a time. She couldn’t say they got any easier. Whoever said that time heals all wounds and distance makes the heart grow fonder was full of crap.
Somehow, the more she worked to distance herself from James, the worse she felt. She had noticed his attempts to talk to her, of course. But her heart had been so wounded by him that she just couldn’t open herself up again. Not yet.
Following the dating rules she had learned on the human plane, she had worked very hard these past two weeks to separate herself from him. She had enmeshed herself in her required studies, actually quite pleased with the results she was achieving. Alexius had also expressed a great deal of enthusiasm for her achievements. If she had gained a very small—okay, maybe a small—amount of satisfaction over the expression on James’ face during her interactions with the Waresti, what did that signify? she told herself. He had his chance. It had passed.
Why that thought so pained her, she couldn’t say.
Okay, so maybe she could. Regardless of his ridiculous response to her proclamation, she really did love him. That wasn’t about to change.
She was on the brink of having a real conversation with him about everything when Tabitha approached her at the conclusion of their daily training session.
“How are you this eve, Olivia?” the Lekwuesti female asked cordially.
“Oh, not too bad,” she said with a smile she didn’t feel. She glanced to her right and saw James talking to Amber, just out of hearing distance. Her sister was frowning, but that wasn’t unusual. When they walked out of sight, Olivia had visions of the nightmarish workout routine to come the next day, certain they were plotting it together.
“Well, maybe slightly less than okay,” she added dryly. Then she attempted another weak smile. “What are you doing out here?”
Tabitha waved a hand to indicate the emptying courtyard. “I was enjoying the sparring sessions this afternoon. You draw quite a crowd these days, do you not?”
“I suppose so,” Olivia allowed, wiping her brow with a towel. At the moment, most of what was left of the crowd was gathered around Skye on the other side of the courtyard. Her younger sister was quite the social butterfly. Judging from Caleb’s expression as he stood beside her scowling at the males in the crowd, he wasn’t too pleased about that.
“Where’s Brenna?” she asked to fill in the silence when Tabitha continued to linger.
“When I left Amber’s room, she was preparing something special for you.”
“Oh,” Olivia said, figuring she was referring to a meal. She sighed, not hungry in the least. “I hope she doesn’t go to a lot of trouble.”
“Oh, yes…the whole situation with James,” Tabitha said sympathetically. She clucked her tongue and shook her head.
Olivia felt the color draining from her face. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, Olivia,” the Lekwuesti replied with pity in her voice. “You know we all speak with each other about such things.”
If at all possible, Olivia thought she lost even more color. “Are you saying that all Lekwuesti know everything that another Lekwuesti knows?”
Tabitha seemed to consider this. “I suppose you could look at it that way.”
“Oh,” Olivia said in a weak voice. She thought that mortification was far too mild a term for what she felt right then.
“I do know about your claim of emotion to the Gloresti, and I further know that he rejected you.”
It was like a slap to Olivia’s already aching pride. She felt herself standing straighter. “It wasn’t like that, exactly.”
“I am sure it was not easy to hear. Learning that a male has a romantic relationship with another is always difficult.”
Even as she felt the blood returning to her face in a wild surge, Olivia found herself saying, “That’s ridiculous. James isn’t like that.”
“But I saw him not even three weeks ago in a notably amorous embrace with commander Caoilinn. Does that not mean that he has feelings for another?”
The unemotional and matter-of-fact tone of the Lekwuesti’s comment made Olivia pause. Was it really possible that James had been seen in an intimate encounter with Caoilinn? She thought back as far as she could and remembered that James had left her to go and check on Aurora the morning after they arrived. Did he stop and visit with Caoilinn on the way?
“I must admit that he did not seem interested at first. But then she captured his attention with some of her more clever enticements.”
Olivia didn’t stop to consider that most Estilorians didn’t even know what the term “enticements” meant. She was so ready to grasp any reason that James didn’t want her besides she was wasn’t worth wanting that she listened to Tabitha’s words.
“I was surprised when archigos Gabriel grew so angry with commander Caoilinn,” Tabitha continued conversationally. “It was not as though she had done anything egregious. Yet he had archigos Sebastian ban her. Very sad.”
Brenna had said herself that commander Caoilinn had all but disappeared and that no one knew why. Tabitha’s explanation made it all perfectly clear. It also made the remaining pieces of Olivia’s heart bleed profusely.
Tabitha touched her arm sympathetically. “I am sorry, Olivia. I did not mean to cause you such pain.”
She blinked the moisture from her gaze. “No. Thank you for your kind words.”
Giving her a considering study, Tabitha said, “You know, I believe Brenna’s surprise will be just what you need. Would some time in a nice, hot, bubbling spring with some fragrant oils be of interest?”
Olivia’s eyes widened. “Brenna planned that as a surprise for me?” For the first time in days, she found a genuine smile. “I really think I would love that. Thanks.”
“No problem at all. Just follow me and I will bring you to Brenna.”
“I have to tell James where I’m going,” Olivia said, glancing around. She didn’t see him.
“No need to worry about that,” Tabitha said, giving her an understanding look and pat on the arm. ”Brenna had the foresight to mention this surprise to your Gloresti and family. Why else would James step from within sight of you when he would normally never do so?”
Olivia thought that made sense, and further reasoned that Brenna would be waiting at the spring, so she would be perfectly safe. And truth be told, she was simply too wrung out to argue. She fell into step with Tabitha as she tried to process everything that had just been relayed to her. It wasn’t only that James wasn’t in love with her, he was instead engaged in a relationship with someone else. It didn’t seem possible, really. But she remembered her instinctive reaction when Caoilinn had first spoken to James and he had responded. She had definitely gotten the impression there was more there than a casual acquaintance. Could she have really been that blind?
She was so absorbed with her thoughts that she only vaguely paid attention to where they were going. Ultimately, she glanced around and realized they were below-ground. That actually made some sense to her. The bubbling hot spring that Amber had shown her on their trip to this location had been below-ground.
“I think that this will help you take your mind off everything,” Tabitha said as they walked. “You should truly not have to suffer so on behalf of an ignorant male. Really, what does an Estilorian know about love, anyway?”
That was what finally had realization dawning for Olivia. Although her feet continued to move one in front of another, her mind was working a mile a minute.
The truth of it all was that James was a full Estilorian. The only concept of love that he had included what she had explained to him combined with what he witnessed between Gabriel and Amber. She had sprung something on him that had no real basis in his reality. Yet she hadn’t given him more than a few seconds to process what to him combated nine decades
of knowledge.
And when she thought again to these past two weeks, putting his expressions into this new context, she realized that he hadn’t been watching her with pity in his eyes. He had been watching her while suffering his own pain.
She had been so stupid.
“Oh my—”
Was all she got out before the whole world went black.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
“Amber, can I speak with you?”
James had been waiting for days to find an opportunity to speak with Olivia’s older sister alone. It was much more difficult than he had ever thought. Gabriel was nearly always in sight of her, and if he wasn’t, she was usually with one of the elders, one of her sisters or one of the Lekwuesti who had assumed the responsibility of caring for the sisters.
So when their daily training session had ended and James realized that Amber was standing alone, he decided to seize the opportunity to speak with her. Gabriel had gone to discuss something with Uriel and Ini-herit. Olivia was standing in plain sight of Caleb, and the Lekwuesti female, Tabitha, was with her. She would be okay for a couple of minutes. And he desperately needed to talk to someone or he thought he would go completely out of his mind.
“Sure thing,” Amber responded, looking at him expectantly.
He glanced around. Seeing Olivia not far from earshot, he turned back to her and asked, “Do you mind if we speak somewhere a little more private?”
She frowned. “Okay.”
They ended up around the corner behind a stone wall along the outer edge of the courtyard. There was no one around and a bench for them to sit on, which suited them perfectly.
“What’s up?” she asked when they were both seated.