CASSIE AWOKE EARLY THE next morning to the pleasant sensation of a warm male body against hers, his leg pinning hers to the bed and his hand curled around her breast. Memories of the previous night flooded back— showering off the salt water with Calder's hands slowly and seductively washing her from head to foot, cramped together in the small shower stall; how she returned the favor, deliberately arousing him with intimate stroking; how they dried each other off afterwards and went to the bedroom where he pleasured her thoroughly with his mouth before taking his own pleasure in her.
She must have been out of her mind. Casual sex didn't work for her. Once she'd gone to bed with a man, she couldn't separate her emotions from her physical reactions. Now she was already experiencing that dangerous tenderness toward Calder, who had never done anything that impressed her beyond providing some of the most spectacular sexual pleasure of her life.
She closed her eyes. She couldn't afford to fall for Calder Westing. He would eat her alive, using her as an amusing sexual partner, and no doubt completely clueless to the impact on her. She had never learned how to be cautious with her affection. She could find herself in too deep with him without ever intending it.
She needed to get away from him. Her physical response to him was too strong. As soon as he woke up and touched her, she would be unable to resist. The prickings of desire were already starting to eat at her. No, there was only one way to stay safe, and that was to stay away.
Trying not to wake him, she extricated herself from his body and the bed sheets. It was hard to leave his warmth behind, knowing she would never feel it again. She took the first clothes she found from her dresser and went into the small living area to put them on, without even a thought of showering first. She looked back in on him. He was sound asleep still, one hand hanging over the edge of the bed. She could take the time to write him a note.
Calder,
Had to be at the lab early this morning and didn't want to disturb you. Help yourself to bagels in the fridge and cereal in the cupboard if you want something to eat, and I've left the coffeemaker out on the counter.
She chewed her pen for a moment. Should she say anything else? Even a generic "Have a nice day" might suggest she expected to see him that night, and she wanted to be completely businesslike. It seemed abrupt to leave it at that, but she didn't want it to sound too affectionate. He might take that the wrong way. Finally she just signed her name to it and left it on the kitchen table. She wondered if he even knew how to make coffee.
He would no doubt be embarrassed enough seeing the cottage by daylight. It served its purpose for Cassie but consisted of little more than a living room, kitchen, and two small bedrooms. The furnishings showed the signs of wear from many summers' use by renters. It couldn't be more different from Scott's shiny and pristine mansion on the waterfront. The gulf between their lives was beyond bridging, no matter how appealing he looked with his tousled dark head on her pillow.
She let herself out of the cottage quietly and unlocked her bicycle. In the shade of the scrub pines, she rode down the bike path to Woods Hole. Soreness from the night's activities made it difficult to forget what had occurred even for a minute. When she finally arrived at the lab, she took the unusual step of closing the door behind her.
Setting up the day's work didn't provide enough distraction to keep her mind off Calder. Would he try to call her? Would he come by the lab or worse yet, to the cottage some night? Or would he make no particular effort to be in touch at all and decide he just got lucky?
Why had she responded to him the way she did? Though she generally enjoyed lovemaking, she had never responded as quickly or as easily as last night. Why Calder? Why was he the man who could bring her pleasure so effortlessly?
She closed her eyes in pain. The answer was obvious. He was from a different world, and he was far more experienced than any lover she had before. None of them had his opportunities to learn on as many women's bodies as he chose. How could she have let herself be one more? Why did she have to care?
She took the heavy biology textbook off the shelf and let it bang on the lab bench. She knew better than to think this was real. It was nothing more than a physiological reaction. Orgasm in the female caused a release of oxytocin, the same hormone that made mothers feel bonded to their babies. She felt attached to him because of a biological imperative, not because of anything between them.
She wouldn't allow herself to be led around by her body's urges. No, she had a good deal of experience at spotting dangerous connections and cutting them off, even when her heart was involved, and this wasn't that bad yet. She had to remember her goals. Emotional ties could keep her from achieving them after all the years she had poured into her work. In a disciplined manner, she reminded herself of the cost of failure, and by the time she was done, she knew she could manage Calder Westing.
Erin didn't arrive at the lab until almost ten o'clock. Cassie, already exhausted, was hard put not to feel annoyed when she floated in, her mind clearly still on Penzance Point. But it wasn't Erin's fault Cassie had made an embarrassing mistake. Cassie returned to adding a chemical reagent to row of beakers, watching each drop carefully.
She noticed Erin looking at her strangely as she finished. "Is something the matter?" It came out sounding too abrupt.
"It didn't pass my notice that Calder wasn't home until this morning."
Cassie's thumb slipped from the top of the pipette and the liquid ran into the beaker. She swore and poured the mixture down the sink. "And your point is?"
"The two of you weren't exactly quiet last night at the beach, and I have to admit I was sort of surprised."
"Why, don't you think I deserve a one-night stand with a rich man?" Cassie set down the empty pipette, jotted a note, and prepared a new beaker.
Erin's face fell. "Oh, Cass, I'm sorry. Was he nasty about it?"
"Oh, he didn't ditch me, more the other way around if anything. I just wish I hadn't done it. It's not my kind of thing."
"No, I know it isn't. I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was a painful subject. But if you ever want to talk about it, I'm here."
Talking about it was the last thing Cassie wanted. She was growing more anxious as the day wore on and had almost come to the conclusion that it would be better to have it out with Calder than live with the uncertainty of whether he would contact her. When the phone finally rang late in the afternoon, she jumped. Erin answered it before she could, a look of disappointment coming over her features as she realized it wasn't Scott.
Erin held out the telephone to Cassie. "It's Calder."
Cassie took a deep breath before putting it to her ear. "Hello," she said in a businesslike manner.
"Cassie, it's Calder." Even the sound of his deep voice affected her somehow. "I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner this evening."
"Thanks, but I'm afraid I can't. I have a lot of work to do here today and then there's a lecture I want to hear."
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. And you need to eat anyway. Maybe I could bring something over to the lab, and we could eat there."
"All play and no work gets Jill turned down for tenure. Thanks all the same."
"Tomorrow, then?"
He wasn't going to take the hint. "Look, Calder, I appreciate the effort, but you don't owe me anything for last night. It was a special moment, and it went places neither of us expected, but let's not try to make it something it's not."
There was silence on the other end. Finally he said, "I'd still enjoy the chance to spend some time with you—no expectations."
"I appreciate that you're trying to do the right thing here, but it simply isn't necessary. Look, I really need to get back to my work, okay?"
"If that's what you want." His voice sounded very formal to her ears.
"Thanks, Calder, nice talking to you."
"Take care, then." She heard his reply just before she hung up the phone.
She rested her hands on the lab bench in front of her for a moment as she took
some deep, calming breaths. At least that was over with.
"That was quite the brush-off." Erin's look was an accusation.
Cassie rounded on her, ready to snap, but caught herself just in time. "Let's face it, Erin. Calder Westing would be nothing but trouble for me. Scott may be a different story, and I'm glad you're happy together, but it would never work for Calder and me. Okay?"
"If you say so."
Cassie broke her own record for long hours in the lab over the next two days, but at least there was one good thing to say for it as her experiment finally began to show positive results. Late at night, as she lay in bed willing sleep to come, she remembered being in Calder's arms, feeling wanted and desirable, but she could ignore it during the day. She had results, and that was all that mattered.
She arrived at the lab early on the third day after sleeping poorly. A few hours of quiet before Erin arrived would be useful. But when the door to the lab finally opened, it wasn't Erin, but Calder.
"Cassie—may I come in?"
"Of course." Her response was automatic. "You're up early."
He looked at her seriously. "I wanted to get here before Erin." He pulled up a lab stool and sat near her. "How are you?"
Cassie steeled herself against feeling any vulnerability. "I'm fine. I've been getting some results here. I think I'll be able to get a paper out of it."
"So that's good news?"
"Oh, yes. I need a couple more papers if I want tenure, so this helps."
"You work pretty long hours."
"Yes, I do. I have a lot I want to accomplish."
He was silent for a moment. "Are you angry with me about what happened the other night?"
"Angry? No, not at all." At least he had asked a question she could answer honestly. "Why should I be angry? You didn't push me into anything. It was my idea as much as yours."
His eyes were fixed on her. "I just wondered. It seems like you don't want anything to do with me all of a sudden."
There was no point in hiding it. "I don't know why you should believe this, but I don't usually do onenight stands or casual sex. I'm uncomfortable with the whole thing. I don't know how to deal with a man I've had sex with but don't have a relationship with. You're leaving soon, so it's easier all around this way. And I have a lot of work to do; I don't have time for a man in my life."
"I suppose I can accept that," he said slowly. "There is one thing I wanted to say, though."
She looked up at him sharply. "What's that?"
"It isn't the kind of thing I do on impulse either, so I wasn't prepared for it happening on the spur of the moment. I'm usually a little more… careful than I was that night." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card. "This has my direct phone number and my private email. If there are any… untoward consequences, I'd like to know about it."
Why did he have to sound so much like a lawyer? She blushed fiercely when she finally understood his meaning. Did he know how insulting he was? "I don't think you need to worry. Even if there were any untoward consequences, which there won't be, you wouldn't need to worry about me making any demands. I would be perfectly capable of dealing with the situation on my own."
"That's just what I'm worried about, that you would try to deal with it on your own. I'd want to know. It was pretty obvious it had been a while for you, and I didn't want to assume you were on the pill."
"I am a biologist, and I have a very good understanding of when I might be fertile and when I'm not, and you may be certain it isn't something I would ignore, no matter how tempted I was." She wouldn't look at him.
"Will you tell me, though, if anything should happen?"
"Fine," she snapped, looking at his card as if it were a snake. "And I'll tell you if the tides don't turn, too. Now, if you don't mind, I have a lot to get done today."
He was baffled by her anger. "I didn't mean to upset you," he said. "I just…" All he wanted was a chance to have her tease him and smile at him again, and to show her he did take his responsibilities seriously, but he couldn't say that. "I'm sorry."
She forced herself to breathe deeply. "No, of course not; I'm fine. But very busy."
He rose and pushed the stool back under the bench. "I won't bother you then. Good luck with your paper."
"Thank you."
Despite her tone of dismissal, he didn't move, and finally she looked up at him and met his eyes. It wasn't his fault she had made a mistake, or that he was from a different world. The least she could do was to be pleasant. "Good-bye, Calder."
His dark eyes remained fixed on hers unreadably for a moment. Then he nodded and was gone.
Jim stopped by her lab that night. "Working late again? I'm about to leave and thought I'd see if you wanted a ride."
"Thanks, Jim, but I'm going to be here for a while yet." Cassie turned back to the journal article she was reading. She didn't want to sit at home alone with her thoughts any longer than she had to.
Instead of leaving, he leaned back against the lab bench and crossed his arms. She looked up at him questioningly.
"All right, Cassie, what's up?"
"What do you mean?" she asked irritably.
"Something's bothering you. What is it?"
"I'm fine, Jim. Now stop being a mother hen and go home."
"I've known you a long time, and I know when something is wrong. You haven't been yourself for a few days. You've been quiet, you don't smile, and you're working even harder than usual."
She closed the journal with a snap and dropped it on her desk. "Have you decided to give up biology for psychology?"
"How did you guess? It's my mid-life crisis. And you're trying to change the subject."
"Jim, really," she said, exasperated.
"Have you talked to Erin about whatever it is?"
Cassie sighed and rubbed her forehead with her hand. It was hard to resist his gentle insistence. "No, not really."
"So tell Uncle Jim all about it, or Rose will have my head. Take pity on an old man."
She couldn't help smiling. "When did you get old? You were having a mid-life crisis a minute ago."
"You're changing the subject again."
She closed her eyes. "All right, all right. I made a stupid mistake."
"We've all been known to do that. What was yours?"
"I slept with a man."
"And the mistake was…?"
"He was the wrong man."
He looked at her sympathetically. "Who was it? It's a small world here at the MBL."
She shook her head silently.
"You know I won't tell anyone, Cassie."
She was quiet for a moment. Maybe if she talked about it, she could get it out of her head. It certainly couldn't make it worse. "It was Calder. The one who played Trivial Pursuit with us one night."
"Calder? I thought his name was Stephen."
She realized her slip. "Right, that's the one—Stephen."
"He seemed nice enough, if kind of quiet."
"He's the wrong sort of man. He'd never be seriously interested in someone like me. It was an impulsive thing on both our parts. I don't even like him most of the time. My problem is I can't let it go."
"And what about him?"
"Calder? He won't have any problem letting go of it."
"Wait a minute. I'm getting confused. Is it Calder or Stephen?"
"Calder," she said, feeling defeated. "I introduced him as Stephen as a joke, because I didn't want you to know who he was."
"And who is he?" Jim sounded mildly scandalized.
"Stephen Calder Westing. As in the senator's son. As in high society, old money, and never had to work a day in his life. As in his only concern is that I might get pregnant and try to take him for everything he's got."
Jim whistled silently. "You're right. He's not your type."
"To say the least." A hint of her usual humor came back to her. "I don't think he even has a graduate degree."
"Your standards are slipping. I thought you liked your m
en educated. He is pretty good at Trivial Pursuit, though."
"True on both counts."
"I'm not too surprised. He certainly seemed interested in you."
"That night? No, I don't think so. He was just bored and had nothing better to do."
"Beg to differ. He was watching you every minute. I was surprised not to see him around again. Though I guess you must have seen him again after all."
She shrugged, not wanting to go into details.
"So he said he didn't want to see you again?"