“No!” she wailed. The more she struggled, the worse the OCD rushed through her, threatening to sweep her utterly away into mad writing. She’d be totally helpless if she became trapped in her own insanity. She needed to get free and stop this, somehow.
She flailed desperately, clawing at the spider-whore’s hands that gripped her tightly. The hands looked like smooth white flesh but felt like hard, cold china under her fingers. There were sharp, hard points of chitin under the illusion, like invisible thorns. The spines stabbed into her fingers as she gripped tight at the monsters. She screamed in pain and frustration, welcoming both as they pushed back the need to write. Blood, hot and sticky, flowed from the wounds.
“Let me go!” she shouted. “Go curl up and die someplace!”
She smeared the word “die” on the spider’s upper arm.
The spider spasm in pain and released her. It staggered backwards and collapsed to the gleaming deck of the bridge.
She stared at it, panting. What had just happened? Had she actually killed the monster with her writing? Atsumori said her powers were divine in nature. He had said that heaven and Earth were made of different particles. Could it be that as she got closer to heaven, her ability got stronger?
She turned toward Sato and the goddess and gasped. The two held the brilliantly gleaming spear like a solid ray of light and were raising it upward.
Crying out in dismay, she rushed toward them. She had no plan, but somehow she had to stop them. She slammed into the goddess and, amazingly, the female staggered to the side, letting loose of the spear. Nikki reached out and grabbed hold of the spear. It felt no more solid than sunlight. She would have thought she’d missed her grab except for the tingling potential. She yanked hard, and the bridge shook as the spear point struck the deck.
“Idiot!” Sato shouted and tried to pull the spear from her hands. He succeeded only in pulling her off her feet so that she dangled from the shaft. “Let go!”
“Never!” Ripped from the bridge, the trembling potential surged through her, filling her. “If I do, you’ll kill them all.”
“They’ll die anyway! They always do!”
She seemed to be fraying at the edges from the power of the spear. She clung to it, terrified that it would burn her out, but even more afraid to let go. “Even the stars die and you can’t stop that! You don’t have the right to kill all these people because you’re some kind of immortal freak of nature! You selfish motherfucking prick!”
“I’ll set everything right!” Sato let go of the spear with his left hand and caught her by the hair. She knew with awful certainty that he was about to unmake her.
“Denjiro Sato died at Hiroshima on August 6, 1945,” she shouted as her vision hazed to brilliance. “He gasped as something came falling into view. A single black teardrop of death. It was falling straight toward him. There was no escaping it. He cried out, and his scream was swallowed by an Earth-bound sun.”
She saw the brilliance of the bomb going off. Heard the sound that was louder than the sky was big. Felt the shearing pain and then nothing.
Her vision snapped to normal. She felt like she had been blown up a hundred times her normal size and then deflated. She panted, blinking, her body weak and light as a tattered paper doll.
Iwanaga had hold of the spear. The power of the spear was filling the goddess—her eyes gleamed with brilliance.
“No, no, don’t!” Nikki cried. “I know that you’re angry enough to kill. I understand completely. My mother—she killed my grandmother and great-uncle—and to keep that crime hidden, she kept me locked up all my life. I know that when I realized how much she betrayed me, I wanted to kill her. Yes, I was angry. But I was more scared than anything. I was scared of being helpless. But destroying everything isn’t the answer.”
“They blamed me and locked me up and left me there.”
“And now you’re free and you can make your life anything you want. You can be with your sister. Share her shrine. Be a beloved goddess who protects her people. Wipe it away and you lose your sister, your father, Kenichi, all the people who had nothing to do with your punishment.”
Iwanaga laughed bitterly. “Even if you were willing to sacrifice yourself, you would not last long enough for me to reach my sister’s shrine safely.”
Nikki reached into her pocket and pulled out the jade bead shintai that Yamauchi had given her. “I have this. It will hold you.”
Iwanaga gasped, delicate hands going to her mouth. “It’s perfect.” She shook her head. “But they’ll only try to punish me again.”
“By now, everyone knows that Susanoo took the spear. He and his sister can settle it out. You’re now clearly an innocent bystander. You have nothing to fear.”
Iwanaga continued to shake her head.
“All will be good.” And Nikki knew that she had said true words. “I can promise you that. I have that power.”
Iwanaga started to weep. For a moment Nikki was afraid that she would have to fight the goddess, but then Iwanaga bowed low as tears streamed down her face. “Please take care of me.”
40
White Sands,
Blue Skies
Only when war broke out at the far end of the bridge did Nikki remember the tanuki that had driven the goddess. Someone had caught up with Sato and had been greeted with a hail of bullets. Who was it? Leo?
She raced back toward the cars, fear jolting through her every step of the way. It was like she was running on air, the rocks hundreds of feet down, and the dead shrine maiden a constant reminder that the bridge didn’t support everything. The only reason she could keep moving forward was that the thought of staying on the bridge terrified her more.
She arrived at the cliff edge a quivering, panting mess to see Leo break the neck of the last standing tanuki.
“Leo!”
Joy and relief flooded his face. Then horror washed in as he realized that he was surrounded with evidence of his deadly nature. He dropped his gaze and started to back away.
“Help me.” She put out her hand to him.
He looked at her in confusion, but he came and took her hand. “What is it?”
She gazed down at his warm strong fingers lightly holding hers. She didn’t want to ever let go. She leaned forward to rest her forehead against his chest. She was trembling so badly that she felt like jelly. “I left the spear out on the bridge and I’m afraid of heights.”
He breathed out a surprised laugh into her hair. “You are?”
She nodded. “I don’t think I can go out alone again—but I’m not sure it’s safe for you.”
He put an arm around her shoulders and she pressed close to him, listening to his heart beating. “If I can, I’ll get it for you.”
She looked up and read his heart in his dark eyes. He loved her. He didn’t want to scare her. She reached up to press her hand to his rough cheek.
His eyes widened in surprise and slowly, tentatively, he lowered his mouth to hers. It was a whisper of a kiss, murmuring the secrets of his heart. What was she laying bare to him? She tried not to think of other times with other men that went awkwardly and ended badly. What did it matter when this may be all they had? Life was fleeting as cherry blossoms. One night, and then either one or both of them might be dead. She wanted to know him completely, hoard away every little detail so she would always have him, no matter what happened.
They kissed until she was breathless and he tore reluctantly away.
She couldn’t even watch as he tested the edge of the bridge. She stood with her hands pressed over her eyes, whimpering in fear that he’d misjudge his step and fall. Only after she couldn’t hear his footsteps anymore did she realize that the spider whore’s creepy black-eyed kids could be sulking about the cars, looking for revenge for their mother.
She jerked her hands off her eyes and nervously scanned the area around her. Most of the dead tanuki looked like they’d been hit by a freight train. Leo was impressive when he was angry.
Leo
’s sports car sat behind Iwanaga’s sedan. The driver’s door was open, a chime announcing that the keys were still in the ignition. Atsumori’s katana rested in the passenger seat, along with her backpack. Nikki jerked open the door and snatched up the sword.
“Nikki-chan.” Atsumori hugged her close. “I’m so glad we found you.”
“How did you find me?”
“Where else would Iwanaga Hime take the spear but to the floating bridge of heaven?”
And of course, as a god, Atsumori had known where the bridge connected to Earth. Leo must have taken the katana from the stronghold’s storage so Atsumori could act as a guide.
Leo came trotting back, carrying the spear. “Let’s get out of here.”
It rained buckets as they drove toward Kyoto.
“Susanoo is angry,” Atsumori said.
“We’ll take the spear to his shrine.” Leo drove with the fingers of his left hand twined around hers, reluctantly letting go when he had to shift.
“He’s not there,” Nikki said. “After the parade, they carry the mikoshi from the shrine to the center of town. He stays there until the end of the festival.”
“Then we’ll go there.” He reclaimed her hand.
She wasn’t sure of the wisdom of returning the spear to Susanoo when they reached the tiny storefront display area with the three mikoshi’s tucked behind a half wall. They stood under the awning as an ocean of rain poured out of the sky.
“Good, you brought it back.” Inari suddenly stood beside her, dressed in a beautiful yukata of cherry pink with delicate white blossoms. “Father will be happy.”
“Atsumori, is this who it looks like?” Nikki asked.
“Yes, this is Inari.”
“Oh good.” She held out Iwanaga’s shintai. “Can you make sure she makes it to her sister’s shrine?”
“Yes.” He took the jade bead and then the spear. “Thank you for putting things right.” He pointed up the street. “Go to the Kinmata at Shijo-agaru Gokomachi.” Inari pointed up Shijo toward the corner of Gokomachi. “Ask for a room and they will give it to you.”
The hotel was a traditional ryokan with tatami rooms and futons. As Inari promised, the staff asked no questions, simply led them to a room, laid out futons, and gave them privacy.
Nikki’s heart hammered in her chest. This was not like all the other times with the other men. Leo knew all about her weirdness and even now her silly fears. This wasn’t some guy she’d met at a coffee shop or at a bar. He wasn’t her friend’s brother, either. This was Leo, who would risk his life to search for someone he loved—and he loved her. And there was no question in her mind that he would die to protect her.
And yet she was trembling as she pressed against him. What was this fear? For once in her life, she was sure that the man she was with wouldn’t hurt her. Was it because she finally had something irreplaceable and she was scared that it would slip through her fingers and be gone? She clung to him tightly, shaking.
He didn’t put his arms around her. His hands hung by his side, clenching. “You’re frightened of me.”
“I’m frightened of losing you. You—you haven’t seen me at my worst. I can’t stop writing. If I don’t have paper and pen, I’ll use blood and—and—whatever I can to write with.”
He breathed out and gathered her tight to him. “Whatever you need, I will give it to you.”
“I need you.”
He kissed her temple and whispered, “You already have my heart.”
She fumbled with his shirt, trying to find a way to his skin. He moaned against her lips as her fingers found bare hard muscle. It got easier as they lost pieces of clothing, as if with each piece they shed away their fear.
He leaned over her, and her heart tried to jump up her throat.
“Wait.”
He pulled back, concern on his face.
“I—I don’t like being on pinned . . . on the bottom. It kind of freaks me out.”
He sat back and wordlessly guided her onto his lap.
“Oh yes, this is good.” She groaned as he kissed her throat. One last whisper of doubt remained, reminding her that she wasn’t on the pill. She wanted her own place, a trustworthy man and children, but not all at once.
“Wait, I have protection.” She fumbled through her backpack, shaking with nervousness. How would he take her wanting to use a condom? Normally it was where her relationships unraveled, as most guys were dismayed to learn she wasn’t on the pill.
He eyed the package of Kit Kat look-alike condoms, one eyebrow raised.
“They were on the pillow at the love hotel. I kept them so we’d have some—something.”
He smiled hugely at her and tore it open with his teeth.
Dawn came too soon, slipping quietly into the garden. The light woke her and made her shy as she realized that the dark no longer hid all her imperfections. She gathered the sheets tight around her. Leo lay beside her, beautiful in the fragile light, and unmistakably male.
She sat watching Leo sleep, hoarding the moment. His breathing changed and he opened his eyes to look up at her. She yelped and pulled the sheets up higher.
“I’ve never done this. Sleep with a guy.”
He sat up. “You were a virgin?”
“No. I’ve had sex, not that it was anywhere as good as last night.” She blushed and pulled the sheet up to her nose. “I mean I’ve never woken up with a guy. They always leave.”
He reached out and touched her face. “They were fools.”
Her mother’s death was in the news. Not the truth but a carefully fabricated story about a car accident on an isolated road. Nikki wasn’t sure how to deal with the news. She had, of course, known about it before it even actually happened. It was somewhat ironic, that if her mother had given Nikki freedom to write instead of so determinedly kept her quiet, Nikki could have warned her.
But how should she feel? Perhaps relieved, but that seemed somehow callous and wrong. She could not bring herself to feel anything. Not yet.
Leo silently wrapped his arms around her and said nothing. He understood what a bitch her mother was, but Leo would hurt anyone that spoke badly of his father.
Shiva had also doctored the news about the fight during the parade. According to CNN there had been a freak storm that heralded the end of the festivities. The dead and wounded were blamed on lightning. Nothing was said about the samurai girl or the transforming tanuki. There would be no photo evidence of her. Whatever been filmed of the yokai had been carefully digitally sanitized. News footage only showed the crowds fleeing the lightning.
What had happened to Miriam and Pixii after she stormed off in a rage? It only took a pen and a paper napkin to find out that they’d searched for her and discovered that the car was missing, too. Guessing that she’d ditched them to do something dangerous, they’d returned to Nara to pump Simon for information. The three of them had spent the night combing for information on her and Leo. Everything they’d managed to learn had been alarming. Thankfully, though, Shiva seemed totally unaware that Miriam and Pixii were strong Sensitives.
“We should go,” Nikki said.
Simon was halfway down the driveway to Yamauchi’s kiln when they drove up, ginger kitten in hand. He was dressed in a borrowed yukata and still looked pale and worn. Leo slammed the car to a stop the moment he saw his father and leapt out. Apparently remembering that the tanuki could shape change, Leo paused by the open car door, nearly vibrating with his joy and suspicion.
Simon held up Maru as if to explain his presence. “He’d gotten himself stuck up a tree, kind of like another kitten I know.”
“Is it really you?” Leo rumbled low and anxious.
Simon gave a dry laugh and then said warmly, “This is my family. I found it all on my own. It’s little, and broken, but still good.”
It was odd to hear the quote from Lilo and Stitch done in a rich, warm British accent.
Leo breathed out in relief and pounced on his father.
Simon laug
hed and caught him in a rough hug. “You little idiot. I knew you wouldn’t stop looking until you found me.”
Leo nodded against his father’s shoulder.
She gave them privacy to reconnect, hoping for the same. She knew that Miriam and Pixii were going to ask embarrassing questions once the scolding ended.
They were sitting on the porch of the farmhouse, shoji doors opened behind them, frowning at laptop computers. Pixii saw her first and yelped. Only habit got the laptop put gently aside before Pixii tackle-hugged Nikki with a squeal.
“You’re okay! You’re okay!” Pixii cried.
“You idiot!” Miriam wiped tears from her eyes and hugged Nikki tight the moment Pixii released her. “What the hell were you thinking? I told you that getting your mother involved was a bad plan. At least you’re free of her now. Good rid— ow!”
Pixii had smacked Miriam in the back of the head. “I know you’re probably still trying to cope with everything that’s happened. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it right now, but at some point you will and you should. But the important thing is you need to let go of all the hate and fear and anger. If you hold on to it, it will poison everything. It’s over. It’s done. Focus on the life you want to make for yourself.”
“We’ll help you,” Miriam promised. “We’ll be there anytime you need us.”
She understood now why the goddess had wept. Up to that moment, Nikki hadn’t realized how free she was. She didn’t have to hide anymore. She didn’t have to worry about being dragged away from any life she tried to build. She could do anything she wanted. The possibilities overwhelmed her.
She hugged them both as she started to cry. “I love you two.”
“Love you,” they said and held her as she wept.