CHAPTER IV.
Departs secretly from his master--Travels to Bristol-- Religious thoughts by the way--Enters on shipboard, and is made captain's steward
I seemed to be very well satisfied whilst my master was speaking; butthough I thought he talked like an angel, my former uneasiness seized meat parting with him. In short, without more consideration, I rose inthe morning early and marched off, having first wrote to my wife at heraunt's, relating the state of the case to her, with my resolution toleave England the first opportunity, giving her what comfort I could,assuring her if I ever was a gainer in life she should not fail to be apartaker, and promising also to let her know where I settled. I walkedat a great rate, for fear my master's kindness should prompt him tosend after me; and taking the bye-ways, I reached by dark night alittle village, where I resolved to halt. Upon inquiry I found myselfthirty-five miles from my master's. I had eaten nothing all day, and wasvery hungry and weary, but my crown-piece was as yet whole; however Ifed very sparingly, being over-pressed with the distress of my affairsand the confusion of my thoughts. I slept that night tolerably, but themorning brought its face of horror with it. I had inquired over-nightwhere I was, and been informed that I was not above sixteen miles fromBristol, for which place I then resolved.
At my setting out in the morning, after I had walked about three miles,and had recollected a little my master's last discourse, I found bydegrees my spirit grew calmer than it had been since I left Mr. G. at myhouse (as I shall ever call it), and looking into myself for the cause,found another set of thoughts were preparing a passage into my mind,which did not carry half the dread and terror with them that theirpredecessors had; for I began to cast aside the difficulties andapprehensions I before felt in my way, and encouraging the presentmotions, soon became sensible of the benefit of a virtuous education;and though what I had hitherto done in the immediate service of God, Imust own had been performed from force, custom, and habit, and withoutthe least attention to the object of the duty; yet, as under my motherat home, and my master at the academy, I had been always used to say myprayers, as they called it, morning and night: I began, with a sort ofsuperstitious reflection, to accuse myself of having omitted that dutythe night before, and also at my setting out in the morning, and verymuch to blame myself for it, and, at the same instant, even wondered atmyself for that blame. What, says I, is the real use of this praying;and to whom or to what do we pray? I see no one to pray to; neither haveI ever thought that my prayers would be answered. It is true they areworded as if we prayed to God: but He is in heaven; does He concernHimself with us who can do Him no service? Can I think all my prayersthat I have said, from day to day, so many years, have been heard byHim? No, sure; if they had, I should scarce have sustained this hardfate in my fortune. But hold, how have I prayed to Him? Have I earnestlyprayed to Him, as I used to petition my mother for anything when Iwanted it against her inclination? No, I can't say I have. And would mymother have granted me such things, if she had not thought I had from myheart desired them, when I used to be so earnest with her? No, surely; Ican't say she had any reason for it. But I had her indeed before me; nowI have not God in my view: He is in heaven. Yet, let me see; my master(and I can't help thinking he must know) used to say that God is aspirit, and not confined by the incumbrance of a body, as we are; now,if it is so, why may He not virtually be present with me, though I don'tperceive Him? Why may He not be at once in heaven and elsewhere? For ifHe consists not in parts, nothing can circumscribe Him: and, truly,I believe it must be so; for if He is of that supreme power as He isrepresented, He could never act in so unconfined a capacity, underthe restraint of place; but if He is an operative and purely spiritualBeing, then I can see no reason why His virtual essence should notbe diffused through all nature; and then (which I begin to think mostlikely) why should I not suppose Him ever present with me, and ableto hear me? And why should not I, when I pray, have a full idea of theBeing, though not of any corporeal parts or form of God, and so haveactually somewhat to be intent upon in my prayers, and not do as I havehitherto done, say so many words only upon my knees; which I cannot helpthinking may be as well without either sense or meaning in themselves,as without a proper object in my mind to direct them unto?
These thoughts agitated me at least two miles, working stronger andstronger in me; till at length, bursting into tears, Have I been doingnothing, says I, in the sight of God, under the name of prayers, for somany years? Yes, it is certainly so. Well, by the grace of God, it shallbe so no longer; I will try somewhat more. So looking round about me, tosee if I was quite alone, I stepped into an adjoining copse, and couldscarce refrain falling on my knees, till I came to a proper place forkneeling in. I then poured forth my whole soul and spirit to God; andall my strength, and every member, every faculty was to the utmostemployed, for a considerable time, in the most agreeable as well asuseful duty. I would indeed have begun with my accustomed prayers, andhad repeated some words of them; when, as though against and contrary tomy design, I was carried away by such rapturous effusions that, to thishour, when I reflect thereon, I cannot believe but I was moved to themby a much more than human impulse. However, this ecstasy did not lastabove a quarter of an hour; but it was considerably longer before myspirits subsided to their usual frame. When I had a little composedmyself, how was I altered! how did I condemn myself for all my pastdisquiet! what calm thanks did I return for the ease and satisfactionof mind I then enjoyed! And coming to a small rivulet, I drank a heartydraught of water and contentedly proceeded on my journey. I reachedBristol about four o'clock in the afternoon. Having refreshed myself,I went the same evening to the quay to inquire what ships were in theriver, whither bound, and when they would depart. My business was withthe sailors, of whom there were at that time great numbers there; but Icould meet with no employ, though I gave out I would gladly enter myselfbefore the mast. After I had done the best I could, but without success,I returned to the little house I had dined at, and went to bed verypensive. I did not forget my prayers; but I could by no means be rousedto such devotion as I felt in the morning. Next day I walked againto the quay, asking all I met, who looked like seafaring men, foremployment; but could hear of none, there being many waiting for berths;and I feared my appearance (which was not so mean as most of that sortof gentry is) would prove no small disappointment to my preferment thatway. At last, being out of heart with my frequent repulses, I went to alanding-place just by, and as I asked some sailors, who were putting twogentlemen on shore, if they wanted a hand on board their ship, one ofthe gentlemen, whom I afterwards found to be the master of a vesselbound to the coast of Africa, turned back and looking earnestly on me,"Young man," says he, "do you want employment on board?" I immediatelymade him a bow, and answered, "Yes, sir." Said he, "There is no talkingin this weather (for it then blew almost a storm), but step into thattavern," pointing to the place, "and I will be with you presently." Iwent thither, and not long after came my future master. He asked me manyquestions, but the first was, whether I had been at sea. I told him no;but I did not doubt soon to learn the duty of a sailor. He then lookedon my hand, and shaking his head, told me it would not do, for I had toosoft a hand. I told him I was determined for the sea, and that my handand heart should go together; and I hoped my hand would soon harden,though not my heart. He then told me it was a pity to take such a prettyyoung fellow before the mast; but if I understood accounts tolerably,and could write a good hand, he would make me his steward, and make itworth my while. I answered in the affirmative, joyfully accepting hisoffer; but on his asking me where my chest was (for, says he, if thewind had not been so strong against me, I had fallen down the riverthis morning), I looked very blank, and plainly told him I had no otherstores than I carried on my back. The captain smiled. Says he, "Youngman, I see you are a novice; why, the meanest sailor in my ship has achest, at least, and perhaps something in it. Come," says he, "my lad,I like your looks; be diligent and honest; I will let you have a littlemoney to set you out, and deduc
t it in your pay." He was then pullingout his purse, when I begged him, as he seemed to show me so great akindness, that he would order somebody to buy what necessaries he knewI should want for me, or I should be under as great a difficulty to knowwhat to get, and where to buy them, as I should have been at for want ofthem. He commended my prudence, and said he would buy them and send themon board himself; so bid me trouble myself no more about them, but go tothe ship in the return of his boat, and stay there till he came; givingme a ticket to the boat's crew to take me in. When I came to the shore,the boat was gone off and at a good distance; but I hailed them, andshowing my ticket, they put back and took me safe to the ship; heartilyglad that I was entered upon my new service.