They both walked into the house. I stood there for a moment. If I could cry. I would. I thought.
But shock, fear, and exhaustion had stolen all my tears.
It made sense I was in the desert. Even my well of sorrow was
My second shock came when I entered the dining room and found Robin sitting at the table. She was hunched over her plate eating and drinking ravenously. Her body trembled and she looked like she had been rolling around in a coal bin. Her hands, however, were clean. She looked up at me and quickly looked down at her food.
"Robin. What happened to you? How are you?" I asked.
Mindy and Gia paused in dishing themselves some scrambled eggs and looked at me, their eyes full of warning. I didn't care. I had to know.
Before I could say another word, however, M'Lady Two was at the door.
"Girls. Dr. Foreman wanted me to tell you that she wants you all to devote this afternoon to academic studies. This is actually a reward. We're easing the restriction on talking. You're free to speak to each other at all times in the barracks and on the grounds, but don't forget to excuse yourselves and thank each other."
My first thought was this confirmed for me that the barracks was bugged. Dr. Foreman wanted us talking now. She wanted to hear what we said and thought.
"You're to spend the day in your barracks doing your lessons and homework." M'Ladv Two continued. "If you do all your work properly and you have a satisfying session, you will have free time after dinner."
"Free time? What can we do with free time here?" I asked.
"Breathe," she replied, and laughed.
After she left. I turned back to Robin, hoping she would tell me something about what had been done to her.
"Stop looking at me." she snapped. It took me by such surprise, I turned to Mindy and Gia.
They both looked at me with I-told-you-so expressions. I served myself some breakfast and ate with my eyes straight ahead. I couldn't remember ever feeling more alone and lost, more helpless than I felt at that moment.
Afterward, on our way back to the barracks. Gia stepped up beside me.
"Even though they're easing up on the notalking restrictions, don't keep asking Robin about the Ice Room," she said. "She's been told it's forbidden to talk about it, and if she does, she can end up back there. Basically, she's ashamed of herself."
"Why would she be ashamed of herself?" What did Gia know?
"Because of what happened there and what she promised or said to get out."
"How do you know?"
Gia stopped. She didn't look at me. She just gazed ahead, her eyes growing small, dark. "Because I was there. too." Then she walked on, leaving me behind, staring after her.
I looked back at the house and thought about Teal. I really couldn't blame her for running off, but what was the point of Dr. Foreman forcing me to tell on her if she let her go off like that? Nothing made any sense to me. Nothing I did seemed to help.
Whenever I thought things might be getting better, they were actually getting worst. I was afraid to make any more decisions. We could talk, but I was afraid to talk. What if I said the wrong things? What were the right things?
Standing there under the glaring sun. I felt suddenly like I couldn't move. Any direction I took. anything I said or did, would not help me. I was filled with a sense of dread and terror of any decision I might make. Even walking to the barracks seemed like it might be wrong.
Suddenly a cold wave of panic nailed my feet to the desert floor. I couldn't even swallow. My heart was pounding as if I had been running for miles. though. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. I was caught in some sort of invisible web. My arms and legs were stuck. I could almost see the spider approaching. I've got to do something. something...
I didn't realize I was being watched, and not by any of the buddies or Dr. Foreman. Natani stood so still and so quiet. I could have walked past him and not realized it. Finally, after looking at me for some time. I guess, he came forward, materializing out of thin air.
"The rabbit," he said. "grows so afraid, he cannot move. He trembles in place and the fox has a pleasing time of it. Your eyes are clouded with fear, daughter of the sun. Open them wider. look beyond. Go where the sun sets." He pointed to the western horizon, "See yourself outside and you will not tremble in your footsteps."
I looked where he painted. See yourself outside? Yes, think about anyplace else but here. I thought of Atlanta, of being with my old friends, of laughter and freedom and the neon lights, the music, the noise. Envisioning it seemed to wash a cool relief over my body.
"See yourself outside," I muttered, driving the lesson home to my heart.
"Yes," he said, and put a turquoise stone in my hand. "Keep this close. It is a piece of the sky that fell many, many years ago and it will remind you to look up and see yourself outside." Then he walked off.
I turned the stone in my fingers, then looked up at the sky. Who knows. I thought, maybe it was a piece of the sky. I put it in my pocket and felt myself regain my strength. My breathing eased and I started across the yard again. When I stepped into the barn. I saw Robin was sitting with Mindy on her cot and working with her on the math assignment. Gia was nearby, her books opened.
"It's better for each of us if we work together." Gia said. "We can break up the assignments and each take something we're each good at."
"I'm not a great reader," I admitted.
"Well, we already know you're not great at math either. What are you good at?"
"Making excuses for not being good at anything," I replied, and Gia actually laughed. It was as if a thin wall of ice had shattered between us.
"Okay," she said. "I'll partner up with you. Come on, we'll start on the social studies assignment."
I picked up my book to join her, then noticed Robin's cot. It had a mattress on it, a pillow, and a blanket. and Robin was wearing the same coveralls and shirt.
"You were rewarded." I said excitedly. "How come?"
She looked at me with joyless eyes and then looked down at the math text.
"Let's just get this done," Gia said, urging me to drop the subject.
She didn't need to. Robin's quick, subdued looks were enough. I understood. Whatever she was being rewarded for was not something she was happy to describe. What terrible things had been done to Robin and what had she given Dr. Foreman as a result? Was it something about me. something I had said? I ran back whatever I could remember saying, drawing in my thoughts and words like a fisherman reeling in fish. Many things would have angered Dr. Foreman. I thought, but from the way Robin looked, she wouldn't tell me even if she wanted to tell me. She looked the way I had felt right after I had given up Teal. I felt sure I was not the only one who betrayed.
And more important, perhaps, was what Dr. Foreman had been after right from the beginning. She would find ways to turn us against each other until all each of us had was herself and Dr. Foreman. She was the spider I had envisioned out there. I and the others were trapped in her web now.
I quickly put my hand into my pocket to feel the stone. Natani's words returned.
Think of the sky. See myself outside.
Yes, that would be my chant.
That was what would get me home. I thought, wherever home might be.
6
Group Therapy
.
Teal didn't return to the barracks for nearly four
days. Every time I started to talk about her and wonder aloud what was happening to her. Gia came at me, telling me to stop asking and to mind my own business. I wanted to suggest that Teal was my business and should be hers. too. We should all be each other's business. Whom else did any of us have here? But neither Robin nor Mindy spoke up in support of me. They avoided my eyes, looked away, went about their work. Teal could be gone for good and none of them would have asked after her. It would be as if she had never existed, the same if I had never existed.
I began to wonder if Teal hadn't been sent away, maybe placed in a f
ormal detention center or even a prison. I told myself she would be better off. We all would.
I mumbled this idea loud enough for Gia to hear, and finally she fixed her dark, steely eyes an me and said. "Don't ever believe Dr. Foreman when she threatens to send us back. No one gets sent back. Dr Foreman does not fail, does not give up. If one way doesn't work for her, she tries another and another. You either change to her liking or..."
"Or what?" I quickly countered. "Or you don't, but you don't leave unless it's an her terms."
"The buddies left."
"Did they?" Gia tossed back at me. "They're still here, aren't they?"
"Because they want to be."
She smiled at me as though I were a child.
"Well? Why else would they stay? What's here for them? Even if they enjoy torturing us, it's not enough. Don't they have boyfriends or want them?"
Gia was thoughtful for a moment. I could see that was something she had thought about. too.
She has ways we don't even know exist," she said. She has ways of changing your head. Don't try to understand the buddies, why they are like they are. I don't want to even think about it. I just think about..."
"About what. Gia?"
"Nothing," she said quickly. "I don't think about anything anymore."
"Why not?"
"Why not? It's like being in a prison cell with a window that looks out on the most beautiful place, a place you can't go to, but only see from behind bars. That's why. Do you understand me? Do you?" she shouted.
I just stared at her.
"You and your damn questions. Making us think," she said, making it sound as if I were responsible for all her pain. Before I could protest, she walked away quickly.
Finally, one night after dinner, we returned and Teal was there, lying on her cot, which now, like the rest of ours, had a mattress, a pillow, and a blanket. She was in what I called our school uniform, too, only her hair, her hair had been cut down to where she was nearly bald, her beautiful hair was gone. She lay there with her eyes wide open, staring up at the ceiling and looking even more drained and in shock than Robin had when she had been released from the Ice Room,
"Teal!" I cried, and hurried to her side. "How are you? What did she do to you?"
The others watched and listened but remained behind me.
"Are you okay? What happened to you? Where have you been all this time? What happened to your hair?"
She didn't answer for so long. I thought she wasn't going to say anything, but then she turned her head slowly and looked at me with eves so cold and empty, they put a chill in my heart,
"My hair." she said. "escaped."
"What?"
"That's how we do it." She propped herself up on her elbows so she could look past me at the others. She looked like the idea was exciting to her. "We escape in pieces. Maybe my teeth will be next or my ears. Right. Gia? Mindy? That's how it's done, isn't it?"
Neither replied. They ignored her and went to their own bunks.
"What are you talking about? You're not making any sense. Did you get far? What did you do?"
She stared at them a moment longer, then turned to me, her eyes as angry and dark as Gia's. "I would have made it. I know I would have made it. I saw light in the distance, but I got stung by a scorpion."
"A scorpion!" I stepped back as if it were still there and could sting me as well.
"That's what they said. It made me pretty sick and it hurt so much. I thought I would die. My leg swelled up. All I did was stop to rest awhile and I guess I stopped right beside one, but you don't have to go out there to find them. They're here, too, you know." She looked around the barn as if that information made her happy. "You could get stung just as easily sleeping in this filthy barn."
I looked at Gia and Mindy. They continued to undress and get themselves ready for bed.
"That's not true, is it?" I asked.
"Of course it's true," Mindy replied.
''Gia?" I asked.
She paused and thought a moment before turning to me. "You know what a minefield is? How they put bombs in the ground to blow up enemy soldiers who might step on the wrong spot?"
"Yes. so?"
"Well, that's what it's like being here. You're always walking through a minefield. If it's not one thing, it's another. and Dr. Foreman doesn't do much to make it any safer for us either. In fact, she plants the mines."
"You don't mean she puts things in here, do you?" "What do you think?"
"That's crazy. That's... we could be killed or something."
"Hello. Welcome to your nightmare," Gia said. smiling.
She seemed to take such pleasure in telling me all these horrible things.
"Yeah, well, if it can happen to me, it can happen to you," I threw back at her.
She shrugged. "It's already happened to me."
"What? What's that supposed to mean? What are you saying. Gia?"
She ignored me. Robin gat into bed without speaking and Teal continued to stare up at the ceiling.
"Well, it hasn't happened to me!" I screamed.
The door opened. M'Lady Three was standing there. "What's going on in here?"
My heart was pounding. I half expected either Mindy or Gia would point a finger at me to earn more of those precious positive merit points, but this time no one spoke.
"You had better get some rest, my little princesses." M'Lady Three said. "You'll need it. Tomorrow, we're whitewashing the cow barn and it will take all day."
She closed the door and the lights went out. All I could think of now was something creepy crawling over me. I felt as if I were back in my Atlanta apartment, waiting to feel a rat scurry over my feet.
"They can't do this to us," I muttered. I was thinking aloud. "If we die, they'll be responsible. They'll get into trouble."
"No, they won't. They'll just make up a good story," I heard Mindy mumble. "I'm sure she's done it before. I'm sure she's made up a whopper about Posy."
"Who? What did you say?"
"Shut up and go to sleep." Gia commanded sharply. "Keep your mouth shut, Mindy."
"What did she say? Who's Posy? Gia?"
"If you don't shut up, we'll all get into trouble and it's going to be hard enough tomorrow. You heard her. Believe me, we know what it's like when they pile it on," Gia said.
"I won't let her cut my hair like that," I vowed.
"Of course not," Mindy said, laughter in her voice. "Teal didn't let her either. You heard her. Her hair ran off."
"Maybe that's what happens when you get bitten by a scorpion. Your hair falls off." Robin offered, and the two of them laughed.
"I'll give you a maybe." Mindy said, propping herself up on her elbows. "Maybe Teal wasn't stung by accident.'
"What?"
"Maybe someone followed Teal and when she lay down to rest..."
"I'm warning you. Mindy," Gia said.
"Okay, okay. Good night, ladies." Mindy sang.
That couldn't be true. I thought, could it? Dr. Foreman had her stung by a scorpion to teach her a lesson?
I lay there with my eyes open. listening. Was it possible to hear something crawling aver the strawcovered floor? After a few moments, I could hear Teal's breathing get low and regular. Robin
whimpered and then went silent. Maybe it was my imagination. but I thought I heard someone crying just as I had when I was with Dr Foreman in the house.
This time I knew it wasn't my imagination. I did hear someone crying.
It was me.
I cried myself to sleep just as I used to when I was a little girl and no one came to my bedside when I had nightmares or fears. It made me think I was going backward, getting younger and younger, One morning I would wake up in here and I would be an infant.
I had no idea how or when I fell asleep. but I did. The morning light was like an alarm bell. Everyone groaned and rose before M'Lady Two opened the door to announce we were to line up outside like troops. When we dressed and stepped into the unrelenting sunshine, w
e were made to recite our prayer as usual, then told to march over to the barn for our individual assignments for whitewashing the cow barn. Each of us would be responsible for a specific section. Cans of paint were open and ready with the rollers. Ladders had been set up as well,
"Try not to make a mess of things," M'Lady Three said. "Breakfast in two hours. Get started."
We began our halfhearted attack on the sides of the barn. Teal was the first to wail complaints. She splattered herself with some paint and moaned about its getting into what was left of her hair. The mess wasn't what made it terrible, however. I think they deliberately chose to have us begin on the east side of the barn. That way the rising sun would be sending its hot darts into us the whole time. In a matter of minutes, everyone looked drained and defeated; even Mindy and Gia were feeling it more than usual. Mindy trembled so badly on her ladder, it rattled.
At one point she turned and looked at Robin. Teal, and me angrily. The fury in her face made me uneasy. I couldn't stand being stared at so hatefully. "What is your problem. Mindy?" I asked.
"Ill tell you my problem. They're only making us do this because of you three and the stupid things you do. Robin starts a fight with me and Teal tries to run off. You break plates, talk back. I know Dr. Foreman believes we should all share the punishment. I know how she thinks. It applies to everyone, anyone, no matter who she is and what she has or has not done. So thanks."
"Stop it." Gia told her, "You know you're not going to make it any better for any of us by bitching. No one here knows it better than you. Mindy."
Mindy was quiet again, but she didn't like it. Her strokes were harder, her anger pouring down through her arm,
"I don't care how you think." Teal told Mindy. "Or you. Gia. I'm not sorry I ran off. I almost made it."
"Oh, really. You almost made it. Teal? Made it to what?" Gia asked,
"To a phone. My father would have come for me."
"Your father?" Mindy said. laughing. "I heard your story. Your father put you here, just like mine put me here."
Teal looked at me and Robin and then turned back to Mindy. "Your father did this to you also?"
"Just work and shut up," Mindy said. "You've made enough trouble for us."