I'll just sleep, I thought.
I'll beat them. I'll sleep and get better and beat them. This wasn't so terrible.
Ice Room?
There was nothing icy about the Ice Room. It was just as I had suspected. a lot of intimidation, a lot of scary talk and nothing else. Robin just couldn't take being locked up and strapped down and forced to be in darkness. I'm stronger than she is. I can wait it out. I'm stronger than the whole lot of them, even the buddies. I told myself. I am special. Dr. Foreman was right about that.
I'll sleep. I assured myself. I'll sleep and I'll get better. Keep telling yourself that. Phoebe. I chanted. You'll get better. You'll beat them. Think about something goad. Think about Wind Song and Natani and the beautiful desert sky and the horizon and tomorrow. Tomorrow, yes, getting out of here, getting away from here. Remember what he said about the hogan. Don't let them into your house. I wouldn't.
I can do this. I can win, I thought, And then.
It began.
9
Dr. Foreman's Spy
.
At some point your screaming becomes so
high-pitched it seems to be coming from someplace else. It's like someone else is screaming in the distance and you can barely hear it, but that sensation doesn't happen immediately. First, you practically blow out your lungs with the effort and your vocal cords strain and you grow hoarse.
It all began with the sound I heard through the earphones in the strange helmet, an all too familiar squeaky sound that quickly built into a horrific chorus, First. I could hear only one, then another and another until I knew there was a pack of them.
Rats.
I don't know what the helmet and the visor were, but what I saw and heard was truly lifelike. I soon realized it was something I understood to be called virtual reality, but to me no virtual was involved. They were all over me, crawling, sniffing. nibbling. It was reality. I could actually feel their cold noses, their tiny teeth, their slimy tails, and their little claw feet.
They didn't just run aver my body. They gathered and began to explore every part of me, going up the leggings of the coveralls and over my thighs, between my legs, under my panties, then under my shirt, pushing themselves under my breasts, sniveling around my nipples and climbing up my throat to my mouth, pushing between my lips, shoving their heads into my mouth. They were at my ears as well, worming their way into my head. Their fur was wet, their tails long and slimy, the tiny nails in their claws painful.
I could even smell them, smell this putrid, stale odor that they picked up from wallowing through piles of garbage and dead animals. Waves of revulsion traveled up and down my entire body to add to the nausea I was experiencing from the scorpion sting.
And I could do nothing to drive them off. Because of how tightly I was strapped onto the cot. I could barely wiggle, not that it would have helped, of course, since they weren't actually on me.
It was no good closing my eyes. The images were projected through my lids, and in these images, the rats were at the lids, forcing them open. I screamed and screamed.
And then suddenly, as quickly as they had come, they were gone. I don't know how long, they were there, but they were gone and there was just darkness, the relief of total darkness.
Moments later Dr. Foreman's voice began softly,
"Phoebe, my poor Phoebe. I'm here to help you. You believe that now, don't you?"
All I could do now was whisper and I was afraid she wouldn't hear me.
"Yes," I said, my throat straining with the effort. "I do. I believe it."
"That's good. Phoebe. We need trust between us. It's what I have been telling you ever since you were brought here. You can trust me and I can trust you now, can't I?"
"Yes, Doctor, yes,"
"That's good, Phoebe, so goad."
Her voice was so soothing. I was actually afraid she would stop talking.
"I was so worried about you, worried about your bad behavior,"
"I'm sorry, Dr. Foreman. sorry."
"Sure you are. Phoebe. You never mean to hurt anyone. You're a good girl. Let's get back to our little talk, okay? You were going to tell me about Gia and Posy. Remember?"
"Yes, yes."
"What exactly did Gia say about Posy. Phoebe?"
"She said she was your daughter and that you couldn't stop her from lying and breaking rules and inventing imaginary people, and she was an
embarrassment to you so you locked her up in the basement," I rattled off.
"I see. Anything else?"
"That she was adopted."
"Adopted. Yes, that makes sense. This is very good. Phoebe. This is a real breakthrough. You and I are going to depend upon each other a great deal more now. Would you like that?"
"Oh. yes, Dr. Foreman, yes."
"We can't have you ever being insubordinate again. Phoebe."
"I won't be. I promise. I know promises are not considered important anymore. but I do. I really do."
"I believe you. Phoebe, but as you've seen already, only action means anything."
"I feel so sick, Dr. Foreman. I'm so sick. I'm nauseous and I threw up. I was really stung by that scorpion. I'm not lying."
"I know. You'll be fine, Phoebe. Don't be concerned. I want you to sleep now."
"I'm nauseous again."
"I said I want you to sleep."
"Okay, I'll sleep."
It was quiet enough for me to hear the rhythm of my beating heart thumping in my ears. I held my breath. Was that the sound of squeaking again? Were they returning?
Despite my terror. I did fall asleep, but right before I did. I told myself I had been so stupid. I had put my fear in that biography I wrote in the
orientation room. I had given myself up before I had even arrived here. She's too smart. I thought. She will get what she wants. M'Lady One was right. Dr. Foreman doesn't fail. There was no Posy. There couldn't be anyone she didn't change or mold into the person Dr. Foreman wanted her to be.
I didn't realize it until much later, but before the door was opened again. I had slept all day and through the night, waking and then becoming nearly comatose repeatedly. The helmet was unfastened and light burned through the shadows. It was so painful. I grimaced and closed my eyes, but the light was too strong.
"What a mess she is." I heard M'Lady Two say. "Let's get her to the showers."
"You're disgusting, Phoebe bird. You've spoiled your coveralls and you stink so badly, I don't think the buzzards would even bother with your remains." M'Lady One said.
I was weak. I couldn't lift my head, but they pulled me up. My legs gave out immediately. They scooped their arms under mine and dragged me out of the Ice Room. M'Lady Three was there with a wheelbarrow.
"I thought we would need it," she said triumphantly. They all laughed.
They lifted me and dropped me in the wheelbarrow, my legs twisted, my head hitting the metal sharply. I moaned and tried to get more comfortable, but they were rolling me along and bouncing me over the dirt and gravel so hard. I did all I could to keep my head from repeatedly smacking the inside of the wheelbarrow. When we reached the showers, they began to tear off my clothes. Then they put me under the shower and ran the cold water. I screamed, but I had lost my voice the night before, and all I actually did was open my mouth. I welcomed the water in my throat.
They stood by watching me squirm.
When they decided I had had enough, they shut off the water and tossed me a towel. I was given new panties and a new pair of coveralls and a new shirt. They barked their displeasure at me. It was taking me too long to dress. but I had no energy. My foot still looked quite swollen. I put my clodhopper shoe on as carefully as I could and they scooped me up again,
"You'll walk on your own now," M'Lady One charged. "Dr. Foreman wants you fed, so head for the house."
I limped forward. I didn't see any of the others. but I thought I caught a glimpse of Natani watching from a corner of the barn. The buddies kept chiding me for moving too slowly, p
oking me in the ribs and back. I shuddered but kept moving, accepting the pain every time I put my foot down, swallowing it back and moving ahead, driven now by my need for something more to drink. My mouth still felt as if it had been turned into sand and my tongue into one long razor blade. I touched my lips to see if there was any blood, but they were so dry, it was like touching wood.
They had to help me up the stairs and then direct me to the table where I was given juice, some soft-boiled eggs, toast, and jam. I was still too nauseated to eat much. but I knew I would need something to build my strength, so I made as much of an effort as I could. Only M'Lady One remained behind to watch. When Dr. Foreman appeared, I felt myself flinch. Every cell in my body, every part of me, was afraid of her now.
She smiled, "How's my girl? Those spider bites can be so devastative."
I wanted to ask why she didn't believe me when I told her then. but I didn't even move my lips.
"You're going to need a little TLC now. Just like Teal did. only Teal thinks the world owes her TLC." Dr. Foreman told M'Lady One, "Take her to the guest bedroom. Give her two Tylenol and the ice pack for her foot." She turned back to me. "You'll be a lot better by this evening. I need you to be strong for me, Phoebe. We have a lot of work to do together now, you and I, right?"
I nodded.
"Good." She looked at M'Lady One, "Send me Gia after you see to Phoebe," she ordered sharply.
"Okay, Doctor."
I was too tired and too numb to think about anything, but I felt vaguely sorry for Gia and wondered how she and the others were going to treat me now.
M'Lady One helped me to a bedroom. The mere sight of a real bed made me relax. I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to lie down on a thick mattress. She gave me the pills and some water and brought me the ice pack.
"Keep it on your foot." she said, pulling me up so I could hold it there myself.
'You put that scorpion into my shoe, didn't you?" I managed to ask her in a hoarse voice.
She smiled. "Now how could I do a terrible thing like that? Remember? I'm a different person now. I don't do mean things to people anymore." she replied, and left.
I kept the ice pack on my foot, but the pain there was receding anyway. I was so tired, I couldn't stay upright and eventually just gave up on the ice pack and fell asleep. It was probably the best sleep I'd had since I'd arrived at this ranch. I didn't wake up feeling energetic. but I felt a great deal stronger. The nausea was gone and I didn't think I had a fever any longer either. I saw that the sun was low, falling behind the mountains in the west. I had slept through the day.
"Well," I heard from the doorway, and looked up at Dr. Foreman. "You've woken just in time for dinner. That's good. I want you to eat well tonight, Phoebe. You have to get stronger. okay?"
"Yes, Dr. Foreman."
"Good. Go on to the dining room then."
I slipped my feet into my shoes cautiously. I couldn't help it. Memory of that sting was still so vivid. I thought my foot would rebel and refuse to go into the shoe. Dr. Foreman watched me and then stepped back as I started out of the room.
"It's a comfortable room, isn't it. Phoebe?"
"Yes."
I hadn't looked at anything but the bed, but now I saw a dresser and a mirror, a small desk and chair, and a vanity table with another mirror. The floor was done in a blue-and-white tile with an oval, cream area rug next to the bed. Beside the bed was a pole lamp with a shade that looked to be made of seashells. There was even a radio on the nightstand.
"This could be your room. Phoebe." I glanced at her a little too hopefully. 'We'll see." She indicated I should walk ahead of her to the dining room.
The others were already there eating. They all looked up when I appeared, all except Gia. She kept her eyes on her food.
"As you all heard. Phoebe hasn't been well. She is therefore excused from any kitchen chores tonight," Dr. Foreman announced.
Mindy smirked. Rabin and Teal stared at me enviously.
Dr. Foreman put her hand on my shoulder, "Get something to eat and then return to your bunk and get same rest. Phoebe. You don't have to work on any school assignments either."
The more favors and privileges she placed upon me, the more embarrassed and ashamed I felt. The others sensed it and were now all looking down at the food. I went to my place and began to fill my plate with food. I was hungry and thirsty. Dr. Foreman stood there watching for a few moments, then left.
Na one spoke for a while.
Finally, Teal broke the silence, "You were in the Ice Room, weren't you?"
I nodded.
"What was it like? What happened? What did they do?" she asked, her eyes wide with expectation. "Robin won't tell me anything about her experience," she added, glaring at her.
I just shook my head.
"Talking about something like that causes you to relive it," Gia mumbled, "So shut up."
"Don't keep giving me orders," Teal shot back at her. She looked at me again. "What did she mean you weren't well?" she asked, refusing to be quiet even though Robin and Mindy and not just Gia were now glaring at her so hard, anyone else would have been intimidated.
"I was stung like you, by a scorpion, and this was right after Dr. Foreman gave me the news that my mother died last week."
"What?" Robin asked. "Your mother died?"
"Some drug she took affected her heart and she died in the clinic she was in."
"Why did she wait so long to tell you?" Teal asked.
"I don't know," I know I sounded like it. but I couldn't help it: I was searching for sympathy, and understanding.
"Oh. This is all so terrible," Teal said. "And then to be stung by a scorpion. Where were you stung?"
"It was in my shoe."
"How could it be in your shoe?" Robin asked. grimacing.
"Spiders can get into shoes when they're left outside. It's not a big deal." Gia said dryly.
"Well, it got under my overalls, so I guess it could get into a shoe," Teal added.
Robin smirked and stared at her. "You know, now that I think about it. Teal, how come you didn't get put in the Ice Room for trying to run off?"
"I don't know." Teal said quickly. "I was too sick. I guess, They put me in one of the bedrooms here. Maybe she was afraid I would die and she would get investigated and then go to jail."
"Phoebe's sitting here after one day. How come it took you so long to get well enough to be returned to the barracks?" Mindy questioned, her eves now also full of suspicion.
"I had a worse reaction obviously. Maybe it was a bigger spider or a more poisonous one or something, and don't forget I had been out in the desert a long, long time walking. I was two miles past total exhaustion and my feet were sore and I was very dehydrated. I should have been sent to a hospital, not kept here," Teal whined loud enough for someone outside the dining room to hear.
The way we're being treated, we'll all end up in a hospital soon," Robin offered.
"Exactly." Teal nodded and turned to Gia. "Maybe that's where Posy is In a hospital."
Gia looked up sharply and glanced at me. Then she dropped her fork so hard, she almost cracked her dish. "Why don't you all shut up? All this whining and moaning, day in and day out. That's what she wants you to do. I'll tell you who's going to end up in a hospital here, me. I'm going to get sick as hell listening to all this groaning and crying."
"Is that right?" Teal retorted, her eyes filling with indignation, "You never cry? You never moan or complain? You're little Miss Perfection."
"Stop it!" I cried, slapping my hand on the table. "Gia's right. Just stop it. Everyone just shut up."
Teal folded her arms under her breasts and turned to me. "Please," I added.
The rage drained out of her face. She looked at Mindy, Rabin, and Gin and went back to her food.
We ate in funereal silence, all of us staring out as if our eyes had been turned around and we were looking in at our own dark thoughts, I was sure we resembled inmates on death row contemplatin
g their end,
Afterward. I returned to barracks alone and went to bed. The others marched in slowly when they were finished with the kitchen chores. Teal announced that thanks to haying to pick up my load, she was too tired to do any schoolwork. No one said anything different, even though the expectation was they would all receive a demerit for turning in the work late. Someone turned off the light before the buddies could.
The door opened and M'Lady Two looked in, "Tired girls?" She laughed, "I'll let everyone know you went to bed early. Maybe we'll get you up earlier."
I heard the door close and then I heard Robin say. "And let them know you should drop dead. too."
Teal laughed and Mindy giggled. Gia was quiet. Dr. Foreman's warnings about how volatile she could be returned. Was she planning some sort of revenge? Was it safe to fall asleep with her only a few feet away? I wanted to apologize, to explain, and to get her to see I had no choice. but I was afraid to do it. Instead.
I lay awake for as long as I could, Finally, my eyelids refused to be open and sleep came sweeping over me like a cool breeze.
The way the morning began. I thought the silence that had fallen among us would continue all day. No one spoke. With little more than a grunt, everyone rose, dressed, washed, and went to the bathroom. Reciting the morning chant was the most wards any of us uttered for hours, even at breakfast. While the others milked the cows, picked chicken eggs, fed the pigs, and did some weeding in the garden. I was assigned to feed and brush down all four horses, as well as clean out the stalls. I worked almost mindlessly, moving as if I were a robot or someone in a drugged stupor.
Once in a while. I would pause and think about Mama. Had she died in her sleep or did she get an attack and panic and die while they were trying to help her? Was she sorry in the end? Did she think at all of me? Think of my daddy? I couldn't imagine anything more lonely than to die among strangers, to have no one around you who would shed tears over your passing, no one who was more than just professionally interested in what was happening to you. You would know that when it was over, they would shake their heads and most likely within the same hour, maybe the same minute, return to their normal daily lives. Some who witnessed your passing might not even remember to mention it to anyone afterward. You were, after all, just a statistic.