CHAPTER X
IN THE DEPTHS
I awoke late Sunday morning and found Reuben watching beside me.
"Thee's better, isn't thee?" he asked eagerly.
"Well, I ought to be. You're a good fellow, Reuben. What time isit?--nearly night again, I hope."
"Oh, no, it's only about eleven; they're all gone to meeting. I made'em leave you in my care. Adah would have stayed, but mother told hershe was to go. Emily Warren's grandfather wanted to go spooning off inthe woods, but she made him go to meeting too. I don't see how she evercame to like him, with his grand airs."
"She has good reasons, rest assured."
"Well, he ain't the kind of a man I'd go for if I was a girl."
"Miss Warren is not the girl to go for any man, Reuben. He had to seekher long and patiently. But that's their affair--we have nothing to dowith it."
"I thought thee was taken with her at first," said Reuben innocently.
"I do admire Miss Warren very much--now as much as ever. I admire agreat many ladies, especially your mother. I never knew a truer, kinderlady."
"And if it had not been for thee, Richard, she might have been burnedup," and tears came into his eyes.
"Oh, no, Reuben. You could have got them all out easily enough."
"I fear I would have lost my head."
"No, you wouldn't; you are not of that kind. Please say no more aboutthat affair. I've heard too much of it."
"Does thee think thee'll be able to come down to dinner? Mother andfather and all of us will be awfully disappointed if thee isn't."
"Yes, I'll come down if you'll stand by me, and help me back when Igive you the wink. I won't go down till dinner's ready; after it's overyou can help me out under some tree. I'm just wild to get out of doors."
I had a consuming desire to retrieve myself, and prove that I was notweakness personified, and I passed through the ordeal of dinner muchbetter than I expected. Mr. Hearn was benignness itself, but I saw thathe was very observant. The shrewd Wall Street man had the eye of aneagle when his interests were concerned, and he very naturally surmisedthat no one could have seen so much of Miss Warren as I had, and stillremain entirely indifferent; besides, he may have detected something inmy manner or imagined that the peculiar events of the past few weekshad made us better acquainted than he cared to have us.
Miss Warren's greeting was cordial, but her manner toward me was soquiet and natural that he had no cause for complaint, and I felt that Ihad rather be drawn asunder by wild horses than give him a clew to myfeelings. I took a seat next to Mr. Yocomb, and we chatted quietly mostof the time. The old gentleman was greatly pleased about something, andit soon came out that Mr. Hearn had promised him five hundred dollarsto put a new roof on the meeting-house and make other improvements. Idrew all the facts readily from the zealous Friend, together with quitea history of the old meeting-house, for I proposed to make acomplimentary item of the matter in my paper, well knowing how gratefulsuch incense was to the banker's soul. Mr. Hearn, who sat nearest tous, may have heard my questions and divined my purpose, for he waspeculiarly gracious.
I was not able to do very much justice to Mrs. Yocomb's grand dinner,but was unstinted in my praise. The banker made amends for myinability, and declared he had never enjoyed such a repast, even atDelmonico's. I though Miss Warren's appetite flagged a little, but tothe utmost extent of my power I kept my eyes and thoughts from her.
After dinner Reuben helped me to a breezy knoll behind the dwelling,and spreading some robes from the carriage-house under a wide-branchingtree, left me, at my request, to myself. The banker now had his way,and carried Miss Warren off to a distant grove. I would not look atthem as they went down the lane together, but shut my eyes and tried tobreathe in life and health.
Adah read to the two little girls for some time, and then camehesitatingly toward me. I feigned sleep, for I was too weak andmiserable to treat the girl as she deserved. She stood irresolutely amoment or two, and then slowly and lingeringly returned to the house.
My feigning soon became reality, and when I awoke Reuben was sittingbeside me, and I found had covered me well to guard against thedampness of the declining day.
"You are always on hand when I need you most," I said smilingly. "Ithink I will go back to my room now, while able to make a respectableretreat."
I saw Mr. Hearn and Miss Warren entering the house, and thought thatthey had had a long afternoon together, but that time no doubt hadpassed more quickly with them than with me, even though I had slept forhours. When reaching the parlor door I saw Miss Warren at the piano;she turned so quickly as almost to give me the impression that she waswaiting to intercept me.
"Would you not like to hear your favorite nocturne again?" she asked,with a friendly smile.
I hesitated, and half entered the parlor. Her face seemed to light upwith pleasure at my compliance. How divine she appeared in the quaint,simple room! I felt that I would gladly give the best years of my lifefor the right to sit there and feast my eyes on a grace and beauty thatto me were indescribable and irresistible; but the heavy tread of thebanker in the adjoining room reminded me that I had no right--that tosee her and to listen would soon become unendurable pain. I had twicebeen taught my weakness.
"Thank you," I said, with a short, dry laugh; "I'm sorely tempted, butit's time I learned that for me discretion is certainly the better partof valor," and I turned away, but not too soon to see that her facegrew sad and wistful.
"Heaven bless her kind heart!" I murmured as I wearily climbed thestairs.
Adah brought me up my supper long before the others were through, and Ifelt a faint remorse that I had feigned sleep in the afternoon, eventhough my motive had been consideration for her as truly as for myself.
"Miss Adah!" I exclaimed, "you are growing much too unselfish. Whydidn't you get your supper first?"
"I've had all I wish. I'm not hungry to-night."
"Truly, you look as if you lived on roses; but you can't thrive long onsuch unsubstantial diet. It was real good of you to read to thosechildren so long. If I had been an artist, I would have made a sketchof you three. You and that little dark-eyed girl make a lovelycontrast."
"I like her," she said simply; "I feel as if I wanted some one to pet.Can't I read to you while you eat your supper?"
"I'd rather have you talk to me: what do you think of the little girl'sfather?"
"I haven't thought much about him."
"I wish you could see his house in New York; it's a superb one, and onyour favorite Fifth Avenue."
"Yes, I know," she replied absently.
"I should think you would envy Miss Warren."
"I don't," she said emphatically; "the man is more than the house."
"I don't think you would have said that a month ago."
"I fear not. I fear thee didn't like me that Sunday afternoon when Iwas so self-satisfied. I've thought it over."
"Indeed, Miss Adah, I would gladly be struck by lightning myself if itwould change me for the better as greatly as you are changed."
"It wasn't the lightning," she said, blushing and slowly shaking herhead. "I've been thinking."
"Ah," I laughed, "you are shrewd. If women only knew it, there'snothing that gives beauty like thought, and it's a charm that increasesevery year. Well," I continued, with the utmost frankness, "I do likeyou now, and what is more, I honestly respect you. When you come to NewYork again, I am going to ask your mother to trust me as if I were yourolder brother, and I'll take you to see and hear much that I'm sureyou'll enjoy."
"Oh, that will be splendid!" she cried gladly. "I know mother will letme go with thee, because--because--well, she says thee is a gentleman."
"Do you know, Miss Adah, I'd rather have your mother say that than haveall Mr. Hearn's thousands. But your mother judges me leniently. To tellyou the honest truth, I've come lately to have a very poor opinion ofmyself. I feel that I would have been a much better man if, in pastyears, I had seen more of such people as dwell in thi
s house."
"Thee remembers what father said to thee," she replied, shyly, withdowncast eyes; "this is thy home hereafter."
"She looks now," I thought, "as if she might fulfil the dream I woveabout her on that memorable day when I first saw her in themeeting-house. How perverse my fate has been, giving me that for whichI might well thank God on my knees, and yet which my heart refuses, andwithholding that which will impoverish my whole life. Why must theheart be so imperious and self-willed in these matters? An elderlygentleman would say, Everything is just right as it is. It would be theabsurdity of folly for Miss Warren to give up her magnificent prospectsbecause of your sudden and sickly sentiment; and what more could youask or wish than this beautiful girl, whose womanhood has awakened anddeveloped under your very eyes, almost as unconsciously as if a rosebudhad opened and shown you its heart? Indeed, but a brief time since Iwould have berated any friend of mine who would not take the sensiblecourse which would make all happy. If I could but become 'sane andreasonable,' as Miss Warren would say, how she would beam upon me, and,the thought of my disappointment and woe-begone aspect banished, howserenely she would go toward her bright future! And yet in taking thissane and sensible course I would be false to my very soul--false tothis simple, true-hearted girl, to whom I could give but a cold, hollowpretence in return for honest love. I would become an arrant hypocrite,devoid of honor and self-respect."
"Heaven bless you, Adah!" I murmured. "I love you too well for all yourkindness and goodness to pretend to love you so ill."
Thoughts like these passed through my mind as I thanked her for allthat she had done for me, and told her of such phases of New York lifeas I thought would interest her. She listened with so intent andchildlike an expression on her face that I could scarcely realize thatI was talking to one in whose bosom beat the heart of a woman. I feltrather as if I were telling Zillah a fairy story.
Still I had faith in her intuition, and believed that after I was goneshe would recognize and accept the frank, brotherly regard that I nowcherished toward her.
Reuben was not very long in joining us, and boy-like did not note thathis sister evidently wished him far away. My greeting was so cordialthat she noted with a sigh that I did not regard him as the unwelcomethird party. Then Mr. Yocomb and the little girls came to the door andasked if there was room for a crowd. Soon after Mrs. Yocomb appeared,with her comely face ruddy from exercise.
"I've hurried all I could," she said, "but thee knows how it is withhousekeepers; and yet how should thee know, living all thy life alonein dens, as thee said? Why, thee's having a reception."
"I fear your guests downstairs will feel neglected, Mrs. Yocomb."
"Don't thee worry about that, Richard," Mr. Yocomb said, laughing. "I'mnot so old, mother, but I can remember when we could get through anevening together without help from anybody. I reckon we could do soagain--eh? mother? Ha, ha, ha! so thee isn't too old to blush yet?How's that, Richard, for a young girl of sixty? Don't thee worry aboutEmily Warren. I fear that any one of us would make a large crowd in theold parlor."
This was sorry comfort, and I fear that my laugh was anything buthonest, while Mrs. Yocomb stared out of the window, at which she satfanning herself, with a fixedness that I well understood.
But they were all so kind and hearty that I could no more give way todejection than to chill and cheerlessness before a genial wood fire.They seemed in truth to have taken me into the family. Barely was I nowaddressed formally as Richard Morton. It was simply "Richard," spokenwith the unpremeditated friendliness characteristic of familyintercourse. Heathen though I was, I thanked God that he had brought meamong these true-hearted people; "and may He blast me," I muttered, "ifI ever relapse into the old sneering cynicism that I once affected. Letme at least leave that vice to half-fledged young men and to bad oldmen."
One thing puzzled me. Miss Warren remained at her piano, and it struckme as a little odd that she did not find the music of her lover's voicepreferable, but I concluded that music was one of the strongest bondsof sympathy between them, and one of the means by which he had won heraffection. Sometimes, as her voice rose clear and sweet to my openwindows, I answered remarks addressed to me with an inaptness that onlyMrs. Yocomb understood.
Before very long, that considerate lady looked into my face a moment,and then said decisively:
"Richard, thee is getting tired. We must all bid thee good-night atonce."
Adah looked almost resentfully at her mother, and lingered a littlebehind the others. As they passed out she stepped hastily back, andunclasping a rosebud from her breastpin laid it on the table beside me.
"It was the last one I could find in the garden," she said,breathlessly, and with its color in her cheeks. Before I could speakshe was gone.
"It shall be treated with reverence, like the feeling which led to thegift," I murmured sadly. "Heaven grant that it may be only the impulseof a girlish fancy;" and I filled a little vase with water and placedthe bud near the window, where the cool night air could blow upon it.
Still Miss Warren remained at the piano. "How singularly fond of musiche is!" I thought.
I darkened my room, and sat at the window that I might hear every note.The old garden, half hidden by trees, looked cool and Eden-like in thelight of the July moon, athwart whose silver hemisphere fleecy cloudswere drifting like the traces of thought across a bright face.Motionless shadows stretched toward the east, from which the new daywould come, but with a dreary sinking of heart I felt as it each comingday would bring a heavier burden.
But a little time passed before I recognized Chopin's Nocturne, towhich I had listened with kindling hope on the night of the storm. Wasit my own mood, or did she play it with far more pathos and feelingthan on that never-to-be-forgotten evening? Be that as it may, itevoked a fiercer storm of unavailing passion and regret in my mind. Inbitterness of heart I groaned aloud and insulted God.
"It was a cruel and terrible thing," I charged, "to mock a creaturewith such a hope. Why was such power over me given to her when it wasof no use?" But I will say no more of that hour of weak human idolatry.It was a revelation to me of the depths of despair and wretchednessinto which one can sink when unsustained by manly fortitude orChristian principle. It is in such desperate, irrational moods thatundisciplined, ill-balanced souls thrust themselves out from the lightof God's sunshine and the abundant possibilities of future good. I nowlook back on that hour with shame, and cannot excuse it even by thefact that I was enfeebled in mind as well as body by disease. We oftennever know ourselves or our need until after we have failed miserablyunder the stress of some strong temptation.
I was the worse the next day for my outburst of passion, and thewretched night that followed, and did not leave my room; but I was grimand rigid in my purpose to retrieve myself. I appeared to be occupiedwith my mail and paper much of the day, and I wrote a verycomplimentary paragraph concerning the banker's gift for themeeting-house. Mr. Hearn and Miss Warren were out riding much of thetime. I saw them drive away with a lowering brow, and was not disarmedof my bitterness because I saw, through the half-closed blinds, thatthe young girl stole a swift glance at my window.
Adah was pleased as she saw how I was caring for her gift; but Ipuzzled and disheartened her by my preoccupation and taciturnity. Shetook the children off on a long ramble in the afternoon, and heapedcoals of fire on my head by bringing me an exquisite collection offerns.
The next morning I went down to breakfast resolving to take my place inthe family, and make no more trouble during the brief remainder of mystay, for I proposed to go back to the city as soon as I had shownenough manhood to satisfy my pride, and had made Miss Warren believethat she could dismiss her solicitude on my account, and thus enjoy thehappiness which apparently I had clouded. As I saw her pale face againI condemned my weakness unsparingly, and with the whole force of mywill endeavored to act and appear as both she and Mr. Hearn wouldnaturally wish.
"Richard," said Reuben, after breakfast, "I've borrowed a low p
haeton,and I'm going to take thee out with Dapple. He'll put life in thee,never fear. He'd cure me if I were half dead."
He was right; the swift motion through the pure air braced me greatly.
When we returned, the banker sat on the piazza. Adah was near, withsome light sewing, and the connoisseur was leisurely admiring her. Wellhe might, for in her neat morning gown she again seemed the embodimentof a June day. She rose to meet me, with a faint accession to herdelicate color, and said:
"The ride has done thee good; thee looks better than thee has any dayyet."
"Reuben's right," I said, laughing; "Dapple would bring a fossil tolife," and the young fellow drove chuckling down toward the barn,making Dapple rear and prance in order to show off a little before Mr.Hearn.
I sat down a few moments to rest. Miss Warren must have heard ourvoices; but she went on with an intricate piece of music in which shewas displaying no mean skill. I did not think Mr. Hearn was as muchinterested in it as I was. His little girl came out of the house andclimbed into Adah's lap. She evidently liked being petted, and was nota little spoiled by it The banker continued to admire the picture theymade with undisguised enjoyment, and I admitted that the most criticalcould have found no fault with the group.
After exerting myself to seem exceedingly cheerful, and laughingheartily at a well-worn jest of Mr. Hearn's, I went to my room andrested till dinner, and I slept away the afternoon as on the previousday.
My plan was now to get sufficiently strong to take my departure by thefollowing Monday, and I was glad indeed that the tonic of out-of-doorair promised an escape from a position in which I must continually seemto be what I was not--a cheerful man in the flood tide ofconvalescence. Were it not that my kind friends at the farmhouse wouldhave been grievously hurt, I would have left at once.
As I returned from my ride the next day, Mr. Hearn greeted me with anewspaper in his hand.
"I'm indebted to you," he said, in his most gracious manner, "for avery kindly mention here. So small a donation was not worth theimportance you give it, but you have put the matter so happily andgracefully that it may lead other men of means to do likewise at thevarious places of their summer sojourn. You editors are able to wield agreat deal of influence."
I bowed, and said I was glad the paragraph had been worded in a way notdisagreeable to him.
"Oh, it was good taste itself, I assure you, sir. It seemed the naturalexpression of your interest in that which interests your good friendshere."
When I came down to dinner I saw that there was an unwonted fire inMiss Warren's eyes and unusual color in her cheeks. Moreover, Iimagined that her replies to the few remarks that I addressed to herwere brief and constrained. "She is no dissembler," I thought;"something has gone wrong."
After dinner I went to my room for a book, and as I came out I met herin the hall.
"Mr. Morton," she said, with characteristic directness, "if you hadgiven a sum toward a good object in a quiet country place, would youhave been pleased to see the fact paraded before those having nonatural interest in the matter?"
"I have never had the power to be munificent, Miss Warren," I replied,with some embarrassment.
"Please answer me," she insisted, with a little impatient tap of thefloor with her foot.
"No," I said bluntly.
"Did you think it would be pleasing to me?"
"Pardon me," I began, "that I did not sufficiently identify you withMr. Hearn--"
"What!" she interrupted, blushing hotly, "have I given any reason fornot being identified with him?"
"Not at all--not in one sense," I said bitterly. "Of course you areloyalty itself."
She turned away so abruptly as to surprise me a little.
"You had no more right to think it would be pleasing to him than tome," she resumed coldly.
"Miss Warren," I said, after a moment, "don't turn your back on me. Iwon't quarrel with you, and I promise to do nothing of the kind again;"and I spoke gravely and a little sadly.
"When you speak in that way you disarm me completely," she said, withone of the sudden illuminations of her face that I so loved to see; butI also noted that she had become very pale, and as my eyes met hers Ithought I detected the old frightened look that I had seen when I hadrevealed my feelings too clearly after my illness.
"She fears that I may again speak as I ought not," I thought; andtherefore I bowed quietly and passed on. Mr. Hearn was reading thepaper on the piazza. I took a chair and went out under the elm, not faraway. In a few moments Miss Warren joined her affianced, and sat downwith some light work.
"Emily," I heard the banker say, as if the topic were uppermost in hismind, "I'd like to call your attention to this paragraph. I think ourfriend has written it with unusual good taste and grace, and I've takenpains to tell him so."
I could not help hearing his words; but I would not look up to see herhumiliation, and turned a leaf, as if intent on my author.
After a moment she said, with slight but clear emphasis:
"I can't agree with you."
A little later she went to the piano; but I never heard her play sobadly. A glance at Mr. Hearn revealed that his dignity and complacencyhad received a wound that he was inclined to resent. I strolled awaymuttering:
"She has idealized him as she did Old Plod, but after all it's not avery serious foible in a man of millions."
Before the day passed she found an opportunity to ask:
"Why did you not tell me that Mr. Hearn had spoken to you approvinglyof that paragraph?"
"I would not willingly say anything to annoy you," I replied quietly.
"Did you hear him call my attention to it?"
"I could not help it."
"You did not look up and triumph over me."
"That would have given me no pleasure."
"I believe you," she said, in a low tone; but she devoted herself soassiduously to the stately banker that he became benignness itself. Ialso observed that Mr. Yocomb looked in vain for the paper after tea."I happened to destroy the copy," I said very innocently.