CHAPTER XI
POOR ACTING
The last week that I proposed to spend at the farmhouse was passingquietly and uneventfully away. I was gaining steadily though notrapidly in physical strength, but not in my power to endure mydisappointment with equanimity, much less with resignation. In thedelirium of my fever I kept constantly repeating the words--so Mrs.Yocomb told me--"It's all wrong." Each successive day found these wordson my lips again with increasing frequency. It seemed contrary to bothright and reason that one should so completely enslave me, and then goaway leaving me a bound and helpless captive. The conviction grewstronger that no such power over me should have been given to her, ifher influence was to end only in darkening my life and crippling mypower to be a forceful man among men. I felt with instinctive certaintythat my burden would be too heavy to leave me the elastic spring andenergy required by my exacting profession. A hopeful, eager interest inlife and the world at large was the first necessity to success in mycalling; but already I found a leaden apathy creeping over me whicheven the powerful motives of pride, and my resolute purpose to seemcheerful that she might go on to her bright future unregretfully, werenot sufficiently strong to banish. If I could not cope with thisdespondency in its inception, how could I face the future?
At first I had bitterly condemned my weakness; but now I began torecognize the strength of my love, which, so far from being a meresudden passion, was the deep, abiding conviction that I had met theonly woman I could marry--the woman whom my soul claimed as its mate,because she possessed the power to help me and inspire me to tirelesseffort toward better living and nobler achievement. Her absolute truthwould keep me true and anchored amid the swift, dark currents of theworld to which I was exposed. I feared, with almost instinctivecertainty, that I would become either a brooding, solitary man or elsea very ambitious and reckless one, for I was conscious of no reservestrength which would enable me to go steadfastly on my way under thecalm and inexorable guidance of duty.
Such was my faith in her that I had no hope whatever. If she loved andhad given her troth to another man, it would not be in her nature tochange, therefore my purpose had simplified itself to the effort to getthrough this one week at the farmhouse in a manner that would enable meto carry away the respect of all its inmates, but especially the esteemof one to whom I feared I seemed a rash, ill-balanced man. So carefullyhad I avoided Miss Warren's society, and yet so freely and frankly,apparently, had I spoken to her in the presence of her affianced, thathis suspicions were evidently banished, and he treated me with agracious and patronizing benignity. He saw no reason why he should notturn on me the light of his full and smiling countenance, which mightbe taken as an emblem of prosperity; and, in truth, I gave him noreason. So rigid was the constraint under which I kept myself thatjealousy itself could not have found fault.
With the exception of the two momentary interviews recorded in theprevious chapter, we had not spoken a syllable together, except in hispresence, nor had I permitted my eyes to follow her with a wistfulglance that he or she could intercept. Even Mrs. Yocomb appeared tothink that I was recovering in more senses than one, and by frequentromps with the children, jests and chaffing with Mr. Yocomb and Reuben,by a little frank and ostentatious gallantry to Adah, which no longerdeceived even her simple mind, since I never sought her exclusivesociety as a lover would have done, I confirmed the impression.
And yet, in spite of all efforts and disguises, the truth will oftenflash out unexpectedly and irresistibly, making known all that we hopedto hide with the distinctness of the lightning, which revealed even thecolor of the roses on the night of the storm.
The weather had become exceedingly warm, and Miss Warren's somewhatportly suitor clung persistently to the wide, cool veranda. Adah satthere frequently also; sometimes she read to the children fairystories, of which Adela, Mr. Hearn's little girl, had brought a greatstore, and she seemed to enjoy them quite as much as her eager-eyedlisteners; but more often she superintended their doll dressmaking,over which there were the most animated discussions. The banker wouldlook on with the utmost content, while he slowly waved his palm-leaffan. Indeed the group was pretty enough to justify all the pleasure hemanifested.
The rustic piazza formed just the setting for Adah's beauty, and herlight summer costume well suggested her perfect and womanly form, whilethe companionship of the children proved that she was almost asguileless and childlike as they. The group was like a bubbling,sparkling spring, at which the rather advanced man of the world sippedwith increasing pleasure.
Miss Warren also gave much of her time to the children, and beguiledthem into many simple lessons at the piano. Zillah was true to herfirst love, but Adela gave to Adah a decided preference; and when theyentered on the intense excitement of making a new wardrobe for each ofthe large dolls that Mr. Hearn had brought, Adah had the advantage, forshe was a genius in such matters, and quite as much interested as thelittle girls themselves.
In my desperate struggle with myself, I tried not even to see MissWarren, for every glance appeared to rivet my chains, and yet I gainedthe impression that she was a little restless and _distraite_. Sheseemed much at her piano, not so much for Mr. Hearn's sake as her own,and sometimes I was so impressed by the strong, passionate music thatshe evoked that I was compelled to hasten beyond its reach. It meanttoo much to me. Oh, the strange idolatry of an absorbing affection! Allthat she said or did had for me an indescribable charm that bothtortured and delighted. Still every hour increased my conviction thatmy only safety was in flight.
My faithful ally, Reuben, still took me on long morning drives, and inthe afternoon, with my mail and paper, I sought secluded nooks in asomewhat distant grove, which I reached by the shady lane, of which Ihad caught a glimpse with Miss Warren on the first evening of myarrival. But Friday afternoon was too hot for the walk thither. Thebanker had wilted and retired to his room. Adah and the children wereout under a tree. The girl looked up wistfully and invitingly as I cameout.
"I wish I were an artist, Miss Adah," I cried. "You three make a lovelypicture."
Remembering an arbor at the further end of the garden, I turned mysteps thither, passing rapidly by the spot where I had seen my Eve whowas not mine.
I had entered the arbor before I saw it was occupied, and was surprisedby the vivid blush with which Miss Warren greeted me.
"Pardon me," I said, "I did not know you were here," and I was about todepart, with the best attempt at a smile that I could muster.
She sprang up and asked, a little indignantly: "Am I infected with apestilence that you so avoid me, Mr. Morton?"
"Oh, no," I replied, with a short, grim laugh; "if it were only apestilence--I fear I disturbed your nap; but you know I'm a bornblunderer."
"You said we should be friends," she began hesitatingly.
"Do you doubt it?" I asked gravely. "Do you doubt that I would hesitateat any sacrifice--?"
"I don't want sacrifices. I wish to see you happy, and your mannernatural."
"I'm sure I've been cheerful during the past week."
"No, you have only seemed cheerful; and often I've seen you look asgrim, hard, and stern as if you were on the eve of mortal combat."
"You observe closely, Miss Warren."
"Why should I not observe closely? Do you think me inhuman? Can Iforget what I owe you, and that you nearly died?"
"Well," I said dejectedly, "what can I do? It seems that I have playedthe hypocrite all the week in vain. I will do whatever you ask."
"I was in hopes that as you grew well and strong you would throw offthis folly. Have you not enough manhood to overcome it?"
"No, Miss Warren," I said bluntly, "I have not. What little manhood Ihad led to this very thing."
"Such--such--"
"Enthrallment, you may call it."
"No, I will not; it's a degrading word. I would not have a slave if Icould."
"Since I can't help it, I don't see how you can. I may have been a pooractor, but I know I've not been obtrusiv
e."
"You have not indeed," she replied a little bitterly; "but you have nocause for such feelings. They seem to me unnatural, and the result of amorbid mind."
"Yes, you have thought me very ill balanced from the first; but I'mconstrained to use such poor wits as I possess. In the abstract itstrikes me as not irrational to recognize embodied truth andloveliness, and I do not think the less of myself because I reachedsuch recognition in hours rather than in months. I saw your very selfin this old garden, and every subsequent day has confirmed thatimpression. But there's no use in wasting words in explanation--I don'ttry to explain it to myself. But the fact is clear enough. By somenecessity of my nature, it is just as it is. I can no more help it thanI can help breathing. It was inevitable. My only chance was nevermeeting you, and yet I can scarcely wish that even now. Perhaps youthink I've not tried, since I learned I ought to banish your image, butI have struggled as if I were engaged in a mortal combat, as yousuggested. But it's of no use. I can't deceive you any more than I canmyself. Now you know the whole truth, and it seems that there is noescaping it in our experience. I do not expect anything. I ask nothingsave that you accept the happiness which is your perfect right; for nota shadow of blame rests on you. If you were not happy I should be onlytenfold more wretched. But I've no right to speak to you in this way. Isee I've caused you much pain; I've no right even to look at youfeeling as I do. I would have gone before, were it not for hurting Mrs.Yocomb's feelings. I shall return to New York next Monday; for--"
"Return to New York!" she repeated, with a sudden and deep breath; andshe became very pale. After a second she added hastily, "You are notstrong enough yet; we are the ones to go."
"Miss Warren," I said, almost sternly, "it's little that I ask of youor that you can give. I may not have deceived you, but I have theothers. Mrs. Yocomb knows; but she is as merciful as my own motherwould have been. I'm not ashamed of my love--I'm proud of it; but it'stoo sacred a thing, and--well, if you can't understand me I can'texplain. All I ask is that you seem indifferent to my course beyondordinary friendliness. There! God bless you for your patient kindness;I will not trespass on it longer. You have the best and kindest heartof any woman in the world. Why don't you exult a little over yourconquest? It's complete enough to satisfy the most insatiable coquette.Don't look so sad. I'll be your merry-hearted friend yet before I'meighty."
But my faint attempt at lightness was a speedy failure, for my strongpassion broke out irresistibly.
"O God!" I exclaimed, "how beautiful you are to me! When shall I forgetthe look in your kind, true eyes? But I'm disgracing myself again. I'veno right to speak to you. I wish I could never see you again till myheart had become stone and my will like steel;" and I turned and walkedswiftly away until, from sheer exhaustion, I threw myself under a treeand buried my face in my hands, for I hated the warm, sunny light, whenmy life was so cheerless and dark.
I lay almost as if I were dead for hours, and the evening was growingdusky when I arose and wearily returned to the farmhouse. They were allon the veranda except Miss Warren, who was at her piano again. Mrs.Yocomb met me with much solicitude.
"Reuben was just starting out to look for thee," she said.
"I took a longer ramble than I intended," I replied, with a laugh. "Ithink I lost myself a little. I don't deserve any supper, and only wanta cup of tea." Miss Warren played very softly for a moment, and I knewshe was listening to my lame excuses.
"It doesn't matter what thee wants; I know what thee needs. Thee isn'tout of my hands altogether yet; come right into the dining-room."
"I should think you would be slow to revolt against such a benigngovernment," remarked Mr. Hearn most graciously, and the thoughtoccurred to me that he was not displeased to have me out of the way solong.
"Yes, indeed," chimed in Mr. Yocomb; "we're always all the better forminding mother. Thee'll find that out, Richard, after thee's been herea few weeks longer."
"Mr. Yocomb, you're loyalty itself. If women ever get their rights, ourpaper will nominate Mrs. Yocomb for President."
"I've all the rights I want now, Richard, and I've the right to scoldthee for not taking better care of thyself."
"I'll submit to anything from you. You are wiser than the advancedfemale agitators, for you know you've all the power now, and that wemen are always at your mercy."
"Well, now that thee talks of mercy, I won't scold thee, but give theethy supper at once."
"Thee always knew, Richard, how to get around mother," laughed thegenial old man, whose life ever seemed as mellow and ripe as a juicyfall pippin.
Adah followed her mother in to assist her, and I saw that Miss Warrenhad turned toward us.
"Why, Richard Morton!" exclaimed Mrs. Yocomb, as I entered the lighteddining-room. "Thee looks as pale and haggard as a ghost. Thee must havegot lost indeed and gone far beyond thy strength."
"Can--can I do anything to assist you, Mrs. Yocomb?" asked a timidvoice from the doorway.
I was glad that Adah was in the kitchen at the moment, for I lost atonce my ghostly pallor. "Yes," said Mrs. Yocomb heartily, "come in andmake this man eat, and scold him soundly for going so far away as toget lost when he's scarcely able to walk at all. I've kind of promisedI wouldn't scold him, and somebody must."
"I'd scold like Xanthippe if I thought it would do any good," she said,with a faint smile; but her eyes were full of reproach. For a momentMrs. Yocomb disappeared behind the door of her china closet, and MissWarren added, in a low, hurried whisper to me, "You promised me to getwell; you are not keeping your word."
"That cuts worse than anything Xanthippe could have said."
"I don't want to cut, but to cure."
"Then become the opposite of what you are; that would cure me."
"With such a motive I'm tempted to try," she said, with a half-recklesslaugh, for Adah was entering with some delicate toast.
"Miss Adah," I cried, "I owe you a supper at the Brunswick for this,and I'll pay my debt the first chance you'll give me."
"If thee talks of paying, I'll not go with thee," she said, a littlecoldly; and she seemingly did not like the presence of Miss Warren northe tell-tale color in my cheeks.
"That's a deserved rebuke, Miss Adah. I know well enough that I cannever repay all your kindness, and so I won't try. But you'll go withme because I want you to, and because I will be proud of your company.I shall be the envy of all the men present."
"They'd think me very rustic," she said, smiling.
"Quite as much so as a moss-rose. But you'll see. I will be besiegedthe next few days by my acquaintances for an introduction, and myaccount of you will make them wild. I shall be, however, a very dragonof a big brother, and won't let one of them come near you who is not asaint--that is, as far as I am a judge of the article."
"Thee may keep them all away if thee pleases," she replied, blushingand laughing. "I should be afraid of thy fine city friends."
"I'm afraid of a good many of them myself," I replied; "but some aregenuine, and you shall have a good time, never fear."
"I'll leave you to arrange the details of your brilliant campaign,"said Miss Warren, smiling.
"But thee hasn't scolded Richard," said Mrs. Yocomb, who was seeminglybusy about the room.
"My words would have no weight. He knows he ought to be ashamed ofhimself," she answered from the doorway.
"I am, heartily," I said, looking into her eyes a moment.
"Since he's penitent, Mrs. Yocomb, I don't see as anything more can bedone," she replied, smilingly.
"I don't think much of penitence unless it's followed by reformation,"said my sensible hostess. "We'll see how he behaves the next few weeks."
"Mr. Morton, I hope you will let Mrs. Yocomb see a daily change for thebetter for a long time to come. She deserves it at your hands," andthere was almost entreaty in the young girl's voice.
"She ought to know better than to ask it," I thought. My only answerwas a heavy frown, and I turned abruptly away from her appealing glance.
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"I think Emily Warren acts very queer," said Adah, after the young ladyhad gone; "she's at her piano half the time, and I know from her eyesthat she's been crying this afternoon. If ever a girl was engaged to agood, kind man, who would give her everything, she is. I don't see--"
"Adah," interrupted her mother, "I hoped thee was overcoming thattrait. It's not a pleasing one. If people give us their confidence,very well; if not, we should be blind."
The girl blushed vividly, and looked deprecatingly at me.
"You meant nothing ill-natured, Miss Adah," I said, gently; "it isn'tin you. Come, now, and let me tell you and your mother what a good timeI'm planning for you in New York," and we soon made the old dining-roomring with our laughter. Mr. Yocomb, Reuben, and the children soonjoined us, and the lovers were left alone on the shadowy porch. Fromthe gracious manner of Mr. Hearn the following morning, I think herather thanked me for drawing off the embarrassing third parties.