No, that’s not how she looks, but he’s trying to be diplomatic for her sake.
“I’m fine,” she finally says, staring at my headstone as a breeze rubs leaves against each other softly, just one of many songs nature sings, not that Elizabeth is listening. All she can focus on is the pain welling up inside, stealing her breath. “Besides, it’s not like there is anything you or anyone else can do, Griffin. No one can bring him back.”
He nods, and I feel the chaos and pain from him. While once I thought he was in love with Elizabeth, those emotions have changed. He cares for her, yes, but it’s not about loving her in a romantic sort of away. It’s about trying to watch over her and keep her safe because she is close to him and he can’t bear the thought of anything happening.
“I’m sorry, Lizzie. You will never know how sorry I am and how much I wish I would have gotten there sooner so you wouldn’t be standing here with this hole in your heart. I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head slowly. “It’s not your fault, Griffin. It’s not about getting there faster. I think things would have unfolded like this. It was meant to happen, and nobody could change that.”
I walk around them, trying to tell myself everything will be all right, that even if she saw me it wouldn’t relieve her pain. No, there is no way of knowing that, but I have to believe something. I can’t do this without finding a way to make it okay.
“Lizzie,” Griffin starts to say, trying to step in front of her so she will have to look at him, but she waves him to silence.
“Don’t.” Her eyes glisten with tears, and even though she keeps blinking, they flow down her face in two glittering streams. “He’s dead, and he’s never coming back. Somehow I have to face this, and I’m trying. I really am. I just miss him like crazy, and I feel like half my heart has been ripped out of my chest.”
Tears fill my own eyes, and the chaos within her threatens to overwhelm me as well. There are many things I can withstand, and before I’d fallen in love with Elizabeth, I could have handled a scene like this. But this isn’t just about someone who died. It’s about me, and I’m right here, two steps away from her, watching the path of destruction my involvement in her world has left, and it’s tearing me up.
All roads have led to this.
She wipes the tears from her face and asks, “Could you give me a few moments alone? Jimmie and I have packed up most of the house, and I don’t know if I’ll make it back to the cemetery before we hit the road for Tennessee. Jimmie’s found this little bitty town called Tellico Plains. He thinks it’s just the ticket to help me forget Lev. He doesn’t realize there is no forgetting Lev—not now, not ever.”
Griffin nods and points to the bridge. “Sure. I’ll wait in the parking lot.”
“Thanks.” She watches him leave and turns back to the headstone. My headstone.
I could show myself. Right here and now. I could let Elizabeth know that no matter how much pain she feels it’s not for nothing. I haven’t died. I’m still here. I can still see her. I can reach out and touch her.
But even if I do that, it just means we have to part again and adjust to that loss over and over, which is something I just don’t think either one of us can manage. I shut my eyes and try not to question why it has to be this way. I know it won’t matter, even if I do understand the reason behind this. Nothing will make that easier.
Besides, I remember the last time she thought she saw me when Kane was toying with her. She’s not strong enough for the push and pull of my supernatural existence, and it wouldn’t be fair to keep throwing her in the middle, especially with Kane on the loose. There’s no telling what he will do, so I just need to keep an eye on her between my sojourning duties. If I can do nothing else, at least I can keep her safe. That has to count for something. It just doesn’t ease the ache blossoming inside of either of us.
More tears flow down her face as she slowly sets the flowers in the vase by the headstone, her fingers gently spreading the blossoms out to give the bouquet a fuller appearance. Then, once she’s satisfied with how they look, her hand inches out and touches the marble headstone, tracing the grooves in my name and the dates of my corporeal existence.
“I don’t know where you are, Lev. I thought by now you’d come back to me.” Her hand trembles as she slowly moves it from the headstone to the new tears she hasn’t been able to blink back.
I move nearer, and without thought, I set my hand on her shoulder. I don’t know why. I’m thinner than air, and she can’t feel me, yet I need to.
“Lev?” Her voice is soft, and she reaches up to her shoulder. Without realizing it, her hand rests atop mine, and for that moment, even though she doesn’t know it, we are joined. She frowns, her mouth shifting to a determined grimace.
I know she thinks that’s where I must be. Knowing I’m an angel doesn’t help her sort out what happens to our spirits after we shed the flesh houses we’ve lived in. This is all she has left. I’m no more real to her now than the whisper of wind against leaves.
“I know you feel alone, but I will never leave you,” I say. It’s not that she can hear me. She can’t. But I have to promise her because I can’t think of not at least glimpsing her from time to time. My world will never be complete without her.
Maria Rachel Hooley, Covenant (Sojourner Book 2)
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