Although I feel fatigued, I force myself to ignore it. After all, I overheard Evan tell Celia the wound wasn’t physical, so whatever I’m experiencing isn’t about my form. It’s just something I have to bear until I can figure things out. Here’s to hoping that Bob and his group will come through because I just don’t see Evan giving up the information, and like Colin said, Celia is completely loyal to Evan. If he doesn’t want to talk, she won’t, either.
I dive and make myself blend with the environment and while I focus on the beacon, knowing it will lead me wherever I need to go. I feel the air stirring around me, and I know I could block it if it bothered me, but it doesn’t. What it does is takes my mind off all the concerns swirling around me. I need to get back to my purpose. I can’t stay in this limbo forever. Or until Evan decides that giving me back my memory won’t “hurt” me anymore.
As I emerge from the clouds, I find myself drifting along a stretch of country highway. Below me, traffic suggests the world is flowing the way it should and everything is fine. Then again, I’m an angel. I know how quickly mortal events fall apart. Evan would probably say I know too well, but Evan isn’t here, is he?
The soul to be ferried is just ahead, and the once-calm beacon is now clawing at my being. The drive is overwhelming, and I have to get there because otherwise things are going to get messy, and a lot of back-up sojourners will be called. I may not remember a lot about sojourning, but that fact has been indelibly imprinted on my mind.
Although I scan the area in front of me, I do not see anything which would cause mortal death, but the calling tells me I’m on the right path, so I persist. I close my eyes, focusing, letting it draw me nearer, and when I feel I’m right on top of it, I open my eyes and spy a car accident below. It’s a nasty affair, all right; the small red sedan had little hope against a huge eighteen-wheeler that barreled into its driver’s side. It’s a small miracle only one sojourner has been called—unless that car held only one passenger.
I fly low and land beside the car. Inside, I hear weeping. I tell myself that is normal and brace for what I’m about to find. I try not to think too much about the funeral and the unhappy results, but I feel it stirring inside, and it troubles me greatly.
I can handle this, I think. Never mind I thought I could handle it last time, too. Gritting my teeth, I focus on the car, how the side has been compacted deep into the car’s body, and how there is nowhere for a human to go.
“Help me! Please help me.” The voice is weak and filled with unbelievable pain. It takes me back, and I stagger.
You can do this, I think again. The trouble is I’m not so sure I can anymore. Her pain carves into me, and I’m not prepared for it. It is so sharp I rest my hand atop the hood of the car, trying to drive away the spinning sensation. I try to think back to any of the sojourns I’ve been on to see whether this reaction is common, but my memory comes up blank, as usual.
“Help me! Please!”
She’s growing weaker, and I wish I had been just a few moments later, past the point at which bargaining seems like a possibility. Still, I have to do this. I force open my eyes and peer into the driver’s side. The glass has been shattered and rests all over the body of the teenager lying there, her mangled body one with the car. Through the blood smeared across her face, I can see dark brown eyes and black hair. Full lips.
In that moment I see Elizabeth falling through the air, her arms flung wide. She’s screaming for someone to help her, and I fly low, just above the water, my arms reaching, and I don’t know if I can get to her in time. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I should have known it was coming.
I feel her fear as she lands in my embrace, and before she can question me, I command her to sleep. Her body goes limp as we dive into the water and I swim us both downstream where Evan waits.
The girl grabs my arm and looks at me with teary eyes. “Please help me. Please!” Her voice is breathy, probably from the punctured lung, and as much as I try to think of something else, all I can see is Elizabeth lying there. That image freezes me.
“Why won’t you help me?” she asks, resting her head against the seat. She tries to push at the door, unaware that it has melded with her body from the impact. “I can’t get out.”
I stagger, almost falling to my knees. “Elizabeth?” I don’t mean to say it, but I can’t seem to help myself.
She takes a couple of shallow breaths and her body relaxes. It’s time, yet I can’t move. I won’t. What is happening to me?
“Lev?”
I hear the distant voice, but I can’t stop looking at Elizabeth. I want to heal her, but I can’t. The call to carry her soul is screaming at me now, but I can’t do it. I’m broken.
A hand on my shoulder. “Lev, step back. I’ll take her.”
“No!” I yell, jerking free. The voice is familiar, but I can’t tear my gaze from Elizabeth. She’s still barely breathing. I can fix this somehow. I have to. She can’t die. “You can’t take her.”
“Can’t take who, Lev? Look at me.”
I blink and turn toward the voice. It’s Theresa there, and her expression is soft. “Elizabeth. You can’t take her.”
“It’s not Elizabeth. You’re seeing things. Look.”
Turning back to the girl, I realize the other angel is right. While the girl does have dark hair and eyes, and she might be part Native American, that’s where the similarities end. It’s not Elizabeth.
“I thought….” I sag against the ruined car, and my being slumps to the ground.
“Lev, her soul….” Theresa’s voice is distant again. I know I should answer, but I can’t. All I can do is stare ahead. I feel her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of her. You’re in no shape for the sojourn.”
There is a blur of motion around me, and I’m dimly aware I should be moving, but all I can do is think about the memory that flashed into my head when I had saved Elizabeth before. I know it was a memory, but I don’t understand why I feel this panic at her in mortal danger. What is this connection that possesses me so strongly I can’t shake its bonds?
Time blurs past, and I remain as I am, even though the maddening screams of sirens fill the air. All the world around me is bustling with action, and I seem glued to the spot, unable to move. That’s when I feel someone else touch me, and for just a moment, I wonder if the blending has failed and a mortal has seen me.
“Lev, we need to get you out of here.”
A male voice, slightly recognizable. I blink and look up to find Roberto standing there. “What?” I murmur, blinking a few times, trying to banish the disorientation I feel.
“We need to move. The EMTs are on their way, and I’m sure it’s going to take a minor miracle to get the body out of this car, so you can’t be sitting here like this.”
Nodding, I silently force myself to my feet. Roberto grabs my shoulder and tugs me away as I try to peer at the girl’s body. “Nothing there you really need to see. Take my word.”
And so it is that he leads me a few paces from the wreck where we stand and silently watch the frantic activity of humans, trying to save what is beyond saving. I know I must have witnessed this scene unfold a million times, but for the life of me, I just can’t remember any of them. How did I do this before?
Theresa flutters from the sky and lands next to Roberto. “You okay? You don’t look so great, Lev.”
Another few blinks. “I’m fine.” But she is right. I don’t feel so good, and the world is swirling unpredictably around me. It’s the chaos. It’s threatening to sweep me away so I’ll drown in it. I have to get out of here.
“Perhaps you should get him out of here,” Roberto suggests. “He doesn’t seem to remember how to shield right now, and I think he’s about had all he can handle of this world.”
Theresa grabs my arm. “You think you can fly?”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I force myself into the air, and I know that if the two of them can sense the chaos Evan and Celia probably can, too, so t
he last thing I want is to fly back to my normal place in the Upper Realm, where they can tag-team me about the way I’m reacting to all the wrong things, and how I really need to get my head back into the game. Yet how can I focus on sojourning when there is so much of my life I don’t remember or don’t understand?
Even as Theresa soars beside me, I feel her watching me, and I hate that vigilance. I want to go back to not being anyone’s problem, where I can come and go by my leave without anyone trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
There’s nothing wrong that the truth won’t fix. Period.
At first, I think about rebelling and flying off on my own, but I know that would probably result in a worse disaster than what I’ve already made, so I don’t. I just keep flying beside her, trying not to think about Elizabeth. Still, that’s kind of like prodding a fresh wound. Whatever has happened between us has left some part of me raw and bleeding. That’s got to be a first for a human, at least in my book, and since I can’t undo what Elizabeth has done, I have to suffer through it. Lucky me.
A few moments later, we touch down in the same back yard. I peer toward the sliding door, wondering if Sarah is here. For some reason, she is the one I dread seeing the most. I don’t have a clue why. I know that she is openly hostile toward me.
As I look at the glass, there doesn’t seem to be anyone around, so I follow Theresa inside. As she shuts the door, she says, “Make yourself comfortable” and points to the sectional. “There’s a place for you to lie down until the chaos surrenders.”
I know I should resist the need to sleep and try harder to unravel the mystery of Elizabeth, but she is right. I’m fighting the chaos, and it’s winning. I need to lie down and let the calm reclaim me.
* * *
From my position in flight, I see the men coming over the hill, the blue of the uniforms surreal against the white powder snow coating the ground. A line of them advances, their breath puffing out in gusts that unfurl toward the heavens and then dissipate. The Indians won’t see them coming, not since all the men are away on a hunting party. There will be no one there to protect them.
And Elizabeth is there among all the other women, just waiting to be slaughtered. I have to hurry! I have to find her before it’s too late. Why didn’t she warn me!
Closing my eyes, I focus on her and the particular rhythm of her heart. Right now, it’s slow and lazy, but that’s only because she doesn’t know what is about to descend upon her people, and there isn’t anything anyone can do to stop it.
I fly in low and land in time to see the soldiers push past her, leaving only one with a raised rifle that discharges, felling her instantly. The soldier doesn’t even wait to see what his bullet has wrought. Instead, as she lies, bleeding in the snow, he walks on. She looks at me, reaching out. I rush to her and gather her body in my arms, trying not to see the scarlet stain blossoming across her shirt. Although she says nothing, I find my reflection in her eyes, looming larger than I feel I have ever been.
I set my palm upon the scarlet stain that just grows larger and larger. I don’t have the power I need, and I know I can’t save her. Not in this life. But I know what I must do, no matter how long it takes or how hard it is.
* * *
I jerk awake, and find night filling the world around me. My heart rams in my chest, and all I can think of is holding Elizabeth in my arms, watching the last of her life slip away. I rock back and forth, reaching for a calm I will probably never feel again. I don’t understand, I think. If Elizabeth died, why is she alive now? It doesn’t make sense.
I sit up and scan the room, trying to re-orient myself to strange surroundings. That’s when I remember lying down on Theresa’s couch to restore my inner balance.
I don’t see anyone else; I could go snooping around, but I just don’t feel right poking around another angel’s crash pad while she’s on assignment. Besides, I’m not sure how comfortable I am around Theresa and the others. The only reason I took her up on the offer to rest was that I knew the other option was going back to the Upper Realm and I’m sure either Evan or Celia would have tracked me down. Probably both. In the Lower Realm it’s harder for them. If they really want to find me, it’s not impossible, though. I just have enough time to get away from here before they figure I’m here.
I rise from the couch before slowly padding through the room and out the back door into a night as filled with stars as it can be. It’s beautiful, haunting, and mesmerizing.
As I bend to launch into flight, I close my eyes, preparing. That’s when the image finds me—the one of me flying with Elizabeth in my arms, her long, dark hair flowing over my shoulder and down my back. Her eyes are shut, and she’s enjoying the feel of the wind on her skin. Her lips are parted as though my name rests there, and in that moment, I find the peace that has been eluding me.
“Elizabeth,” I whisper. In the image, she turns to me and smiles. That’s when I force my eyes open. In that instant, I feel the peace vanish completely and I stumble to my knees.
I can’t do this. It hurts in a way that shouldn’t, leaving me doubled over and gasping as the world spins madly around me.
“Lev? Is that you?” Theresa rushes down the steps and comes to me, setting her hand on my shoulder. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” I try to shrug her hand away, but she resists.
“I thought getting some rest would take care of the internal battle you’re fighting. I guess I was wrong.”
Nodding, I say, “I guess you were.” Taking a deep breath, I force myself to my feet.
“When you said you had some kind of altercation with a mortal, I figured it was a problem, but this—this is a disaster.”
“Did you find out anything?” I finally ask, trying to loosen the tension inside my human body, yet I can’t seem to ease the chaos. It’s like the only time I don’t feel it is when I’m with her. I’m never at peace unless she’s with me, and that’s the one thing Evan seems to think is my downfall. How is that possible?
Sensing that my balance has been restored, Theresa slowly pulls her hand away. “Nothing yet, but we’ve been working on it. Just give us a few days, and we might be able to tell you something that can help.”
I rake my fingers through my hair. “I just keep getting these flashes of memories, and I don’t know what to do with them. I wish I did.”
Theresa brushes the hair from her face. “Have you given any thought to the fact that Evan might be right on this score, that maybe knowing the whole story isn’t in your best interest.”
“Are you joking?” I finally manage once I realize that she’s serious. “How can it be in my best interest not to know my past?”
Looking at the stars, she blinks, her eyes softening. “Think of all the mortals we deal with, Lev, and how many of them have regrets. Perhaps Evan has done a kindness to you and wiped them all away.”
I glare at her. “Look, if you don’t want to help, I get it, but I’m going to go digging around even if you don’t think it’s in my best interest.” I start to launch myself skyward when she catches me again.
“I didn’t say hiding your past was in your best interest. I just suggested it because I know how Evan feels about you. That’s it. I’m still more than happy to help, but you’ve got to have patience. Evan doesn’t let a lot of things slip out, so I need to find what he knows and what others might know as well. Of course, I am curious what you are going to do when we are finally able to give you the information you want. What if what we find isn’t something you can bear?”
I tug free of her arm. “We’re dealing with a mortal, Theresa. Why couldn’t I be able to live with it?” I grit my teeth to keep from saying anything else.
“Because your whole being is off, Lev, whether you realize it or not. That mortal has some kind of an effect on you; there’s no denying that. The question is whether you can live with the why.”
“I’d rather that than the hole in my memory.”
She nods, her long, bl
ack hair glossed by moonlight. “I can understand that, so I’ll do my best to find what I can. Until then, perhaps you should have Evan go on sojourns with you to keep from having a repeat today. You aren’t shielding at all, and that’s only going to lead to trouble.”
Folding my arms across my head, I say, “No, thanks. I’d rather not let Evan in on this one. I don’t want him to make a big deal of it.”
“But, Lev, it is a big deal, and you know it.” She stares at me.
“That doesn’t mean he has to know it, all right?”
She finally nods. “All right. But that means you need to get in touch with me when another sojourner call comes in, okay?”
I nod. “All right.”
A silence lapses between us, and that’s when I finally take off. From the sky, I look down at Theresa, watching her grow smaller and smaller as I leave the Lower Realm, not sure what I believe.
Chapter Nine
By the time I get back to my spot in the Upper Realm, Celia is already waiting. I can tell by the way she is standing, staring out into space, watching for me, she’s been waiting a while. She manages not to say anything until I land. Her rigid posture suggests she’s restraining herself, that she’s got a lot to say; it’s just a matter of where and when it’ll come out. Unfortunately, I don’t think any of it is going to be what I want—the truth.
I could try to make small talk about how beautiful the stars are or something equally inane, but she knows me, and she knows what I’m thinking. The only thing she doesn’t know is where I’ve been. As much as I try to hide the chaos within, I know she feels that, too. I wonder what she’s thinking. I sense chaos within her as well, and I know that chaos has something to do with me and my behavior.
“Lev, where have you been?” she asks finally, stepping toward me.
I turn away, staring at the stars, looking into that beautiful sky. “Around,” I manage, trying to keep my voice even.
“How did your sojourn go?” she asks. She tries to come around and look at me, but I stare ahead, unwilling to meet her gaze; if our eyes lock, she’ll see all the things I’m not willing to tell her, and I’m not ready for that.