Shouldn’t I be crying? Shouldn’t I feel just a little bit of remorse over what I’ve done?
I climb into the shower and let the water rush over me, and then I start to belt out one of my favorite songs at the top of my voice.
And I feel good.
As I spend ages washing the rainwater and the remnants of last night’s party away from me under the hot water, using my favorite gingerbread body gel.
I think about Josh, too; I think about all the cute dates we had, how he made me smile when he’d kiss me midsentence, just because, how I was happy being with him.
And I think about how he’d get that glazed look in his eyes when I did try and talk to him about a book I’d just finished or something I’d heard on the news, and I’d know he was probably thinking about a football game, or his Xbox. I think about how I’d sit there at lunch listening to them all talk and laugh and feel like a total outsider, but I’d laugh anyway just to pretend to be joining in.
I should feel at least a little bit bad for throwing away such a long-term relationship, but I really can’t find it in me.
When I get out of the shower, my skin is pink from all the exfoliating and the hot water. The coffee that Mom made me is lukewarm, but I drink it anyway, throw on some comfortable green sweatpants, and a T-shirt, and head back downstairs.
Mom has moved her work to the kitchen, and looks up when I grab some cookies out of the cupboard.
‘I heard you singing,’ she says. ‘What’s put you in such a good mood? I thought that today was supposed to be your punishment day for getting drunk at the party.’ She arches her eyebrows and gives me a scolding look.
I take a bite out of a cookie and drop onto the seat opposite her.
‘I broke up with Josh.’
Mom’s jaw drops, and she blinks at me for a while. ‘You . . . broke up with him.’
‘Yeah, that’s what I said. Why? What’s that look for?’
‘That’s . . . Well, it’s very sudden, Ashley. I didn’t realize that you were unhappy with him. What happened? Did you guys have a fight?’
I scrunch my nose. ‘A little. It was over something really stupid—’
‘Oh, sweetie, is this one of those stupid things that’ll blow over in a couple of days and then you’ll be back together like nothing happened?’
I shake my head, laughing. ‘No, Mom. I mean, we did have a stupid fight, and because I was mad at him I started walking home, and then he followed me in the car and drove me the rest of the way – it’s complicated – and then before I got out of the car, he said he wanted to talk. He said that I’ve been acting distant and weird, and . . .’
‘Whoa, slow down,’ Mom laughs, reaching over to take a cookie from the packet in my hands.
‘Sorry. Anyway, he said I’ve been acting weird, and . . . I said that it was because I didn’t have much in common with any of them . . . It was a long conversation, Mom, and to be honest I don’t even think I remember most of it – but then I just sort of . . . I don’t know, I suddenly felt okay about it, and I said I didn’t want to be his girlfriend any more. Then I got out the car.’
‘Oh, sweetie . . .’ Mom gives me a soft smile. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m great, actually.’ I smile before taking another bite out of the cookie. ‘Despite all evidence of comfort eating to the contrary.’
We both laugh, and Mom reaches for another cookie. I push the packet so it’s halfway between us, and Mom closes the screen on her laptop, pushing it aside. I raise my eyebrows at it, but she shrugs.
‘You know what I think, Mom? I think I was settling. That sounds really stupid, right? I mean, I did love him, but . . . I don’t think I really loved him enough, or not in the right way. Not in the kind of way you and Dad love each other. In a kind of “This is great while it lasts but it’s not going to last forever” way.’
‘Have you been reading some cynical chick-lit lately, Ashley?’
‘No, I just—’ I break off and laugh again. ‘I don’t even feel a little bit sad when I think about not being with him. I was happy when I was with him, but I didn’t miss him when we weren’t together. And sometimes, when we were hanging out, I felt like I’d rather be somewhere else.’
‘I didn’t realize,’ Mom says. ‘Why didn’t you say anything before? You two have been together for a long time.’
‘I didn’t realize either.’
‘Well, as long as you feel you’ve done the right thing . . .’
‘I’m pretty sure I have.’
She nods. ‘How did Josh take it?’
‘I don’t think he saw it coming, despite how he’d said things had been weird between us for a while. He seemed to take it pretty rough, but I think he’ll get over it soon enough. I hope he does, anyway. I didn’t mean to hurt him.’
‘No, I’m sure you didn’t,’ Mom says. ‘But you had to do what was right for you. I hope he’s alright.’
‘He will be, even if it’s not for a little while.’
She nods. ‘How about we order pizza tonight, hmm? Extra pepperoni.’
I grin. ‘Sounds great to me.’ Mom pulls her laptop back in front of her and opens it. I grab another three cookies to go, taking that as my cue to let her get on with some work.
‘Oh, and sweetie?’
‘Yeah, Mom?’
‘You’re grounded for the week for getting drunk at a party.’
‘Aww, seriously?’ I make a disgruntled sound, and give her my best ‘You’re being so unfair this sucks’ look. ‘Come on, it was one time! I won’t do it again. I learned my lesson. You told me this morning that the hangover was punishment.’
‘Well maybe I decided that wasn’t strict enough.’ She smiles. ‘But if you want, you can ask Todd if he and Callum want to join us for pizza later.’
I roll my eyes, but only after I’ve turned away. At least if I’m going to be punished, it’s not much of a punishment.
Todd answers the phone on the second ring. ‘Hello?’
‘It’s me. How’re your teeth?’
‘Aside from a severe lack of flossing, they’re great. No cavities or anything. So, what’s up? Or are you just seriously interested in my dental hygiene?’
‘You wanna come over for pizza later? Your dad’s welcome, too.’
‘Sure. What’s the occasion?’
‘I, um . . .’ I clear my throat. ‘It’s a long story.’
‘Did someone die?’
‘No.’
‘Oh, phew. Good. Hold on, I’ll be over in ten. I don’t want your dad to yell at me for an exorbitant phone bill when I’m only next door.’
‘We say goodbye, and ten minutes later, the doorbell rings. Mom calls for me to answer it, which I’m already doing anyway; then she calls out to ask who it is.
‘It’s just Todd. You’re working, and I’m in a fragile emotional state. I need some company.’
‘That’s uncalled for, you know I’m tied up,’ she shouts in reply. Then: ‘Ashley, ask Todd if he wants a drink – don’t be a bad hostess.’
‘I’m good, thanks,’ Todd tells me. ‘What “fragile emotional state” are you in, though? You look pretty okay to me.’
We walk into the lounge, and sit on one of the couches. I curl my legs beneath me and take a deep breath. ‘I broke up with Josh.’
‘You did what?’
It’s just as well he didn’t want a drink; he’d have choked on it.
‘I broke up with him,’ I say, brightly, and launch into telling him everything, including the argument at lunch. I can’t remember the conversations word for word; thinking about them now, they seem like a blur.
‘Oh my God,’ Todd mumbles when I’m finished. ‘I can’t believe you actually did it.’
‘Why is that so hard for you to believe? Do I need to play the whole “I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a man” card?’
He laughs, eyes creasing around the corners. ‘No, sorry, it’s – it’s just that I didn’t think you would. I th
ought you said you loved him?’
‘I thought I did, I guess. But not, you know, enough, apparently.’
‘Huh. Well, good for you. I’m proud of you.’
‘Thanks.’
‘He wasn’t exactly a great catch, anyway,’ Todd says flippantly. ‘I mean, when I first arrived, and I asked about you, people would say, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s Josh’s girl’, like you belonged to him or something. And in gym, once, a bunch of the guys were trying to get him to say if you two had had sex yet, and he said you were still too frigid.’
The words are like a slap in the face, and I hold out a hand to get Todd to stop talking. ‘Wait, he really said that? Why didn’t you tell me before?’ I realized that he’d thought that sort of thing about me, along with some other people, and I’d been mad he hadn’t defended me when that guy called me a prude in the cafeteria earlier; but to hear that he’d actually gone around telling people . . . That was another thing altogether.
‘Because I thought you’d get mad at me if I did tell you, and it was just after we’d made up a little while ago. You know, after the babysitting incident?’ He clears his throat, shifts awkwardly. ‘Anyway, I didn’t want to cause another fight with us, so I thought it was better to not say anything. Was that the wrong thing to do?’
‘I know I got mad at you for making comments about him being handsy at the party and stuff, but this is a whole other level. You should’ve told me.’
‘I tried. At my party.’
‘When I didn’t want to listen?’
He nods.
‘In that case, I should’ve listened to you.’ I force a smile, but my head is reeling still. Maybe if Todd had told me that before, I might have broken up with Josh a bit sooner. ‘I can’t believe Josh would say things like that to people. I know we were together a long time, but I never felt ready, and I told him that, and he told me he understood, but . . . Wow. That really stings.’
‘I shouldn’t have told you,’ he murmurs. ‘I’m sorry—’
‘No, it’s – it’s fine. It’s not like it matters, anyway. So what if people think I’m frigid because I’m a virgin? It’s not like that’s the worst thing they can call me. I could be a vindictive, shallow bitch, right?’
‘You mean you’re not? I guess I should retract that quote I gave the yearbook committee about you, huh?’ He grins, though, to let me know he’s only joking; and I start laughing, so hard that my sides ache.
‘I wanted to tell you before, what a jerk he is when you’re not there to see, but I didn’t want you to think I was jealous, or something.’
‘Well thanks for letting me know now, at least. But . . . come on, I’ve got to ask now you mentioned it: were you jealous?’
His cheeks turn bright pink and he looks away. ‘Maybe a little. If that doesn’t totally ruin our friendship by saying it out loud.’
‘Well I’m flattered, Todd, really. But just to clear the air, I’m not interested in you like that.’
‘Give me some credit, Ashley,’ he says breezily. ‘You just got out of a long-term relationship and I’m not going to suddenly jump in and ask you on a date. Besides, I don’t want to risk losing you as a friend.’
I smile. ‘Friendship sounds pretty good to me right now.’
He smiles back, and reaches over to squeeze my hand. ‘Me, too.’
I get up to put the TV on, and we sit arguing over whether to watch America’s Next Top Model (my choice) or Family Guy (his choice), before settling on some Tom Hanks film that’s playing on one of the movie channels.
Dad gets home around six, and Callum rings the doorbell not long after, so we order pizza then.
‘What’s the occasion?’ Dad asks. We don’t order out much. Both he and Mom prefer to cook, and if work is an issue, then the freezer is well stocked with leftovers and frozen breaded chicken.
‘Ashley broke up with Josh,’ Mom replies, clicking through the pizza delivery website to work out the best deal for five people.
‘Really? You did? Why?’
‘I don’t think that he was the best thing for me, that’s all.’
Dad’s eyes flicker between me and Todd, who’s leaning on the counter next to me with his forearm and shoulder against mine. But he doesn’t say anything. ‘I see.’
‘Your daughter is in dire need of emotional support at this very difficult time,’ Mom continues.
‘Not a hangover cure?’
‘Ha-ha, very funny,’ I mutter, laying the sarcasm on thick.
‘She’s grounded for a week,’ Mom adds.
‘Like that’s much of a punishment,’ Dad retorts with a chuckle and a shake of his head. He scratches at his stubble. ‘You know that now she doesn’t have a boyfriend to go out with, she’ll just stay in her room reading anyway, right? Out of choice.’
‘You say that like it’s a bad thing. I could be a rebel child spending all my time out on the streets doing drugs or something. God forbid I pick up a book to read.’
Dad laughs, and shakes his head again. ‘Make sure you order those cheesy dough balls, Isabelle.’
The evening is going well – and I don’t think about Josh once.
About eight thirty, the phone rings. Dad’s closest to the handset in the hallway, so he goes to answer it.
‘Ashley?’ He walks back into the lounge, holding the handset out to me. ‘It’s for you.’
I know it isn’t Gran or Grandpa, because he’d have been on the line longer if it was one of them before handing it over. And Todd’s right here, so . . . there’s only one person it can be.
I sigh and stand up, taking the phone and walking out into the kitchen for some privacy. I start to say something when he talks first.
‘Don’t hang up on me, please.’
‘What do you want, Josh?’
‘I want to talk. I know that things have been weird lately with you, but . . . do we really have to break up over this? I love you. I thought you loved me, too. What happened?’
‘I don’t feel the same way any more, Josh. That’s all. I’m sorry. And after you being such a jackass to me that night we went over to the twins’ after the football game, when you had all those beers, I started wondering if I was really happy with you. Maybe I should’ve said something sooner. But, you know, the fact you think I’m frigid and a prude isn’t exactly acting in your favor.’
‘I never told you that you were—’
‘Not to my face you didn’t. I heard you talking with everyone a while ago, when we were over Neil and Sam’s after the game, and you said something along those lines. And earlier today, you didn’t exactly defend me in front of the entire cafeteria when they were all laughing at me and calling me names.’
‘But—’
‘I’m sorry, but I don’t want to be your girlfriend any more. It’s best for us both.’
‘Ashley, please. Can’t we have another chance?’
‘Do you think this was really that sudden? I’ve been wondering if we should break up for a while, and . . . It’s not working, Josh. We don’t click.’
‘Ashley—’
‘Hey,’ Todd interrupts, poking his head into the kitchen. ‘We’re gonna watch a movie, you coming?’
‘Sure, I’ll be there now,’ I tell him. I hold up a finger to signal to give me a minute, and he nods before leaving.
‘Who’s that?’ Josh asks.
‘Just Todd, we’re watching a movie.’
‘O’Connor’s there? Now? He’s got something to do with all this, hasn’t he? What’s he been saying to you? Ever since you two started hanging out that’s when things—’
‘That’s when I realized I wasn’t really happy with you, Josh,’ I interrupt. ‘But since you brought it up, he told me that you go around actually telling people I’m frigid. Is that true?’ There’s silence on the other end, and I plant a hand on my hip, even though he can’t see me to know just how annoyed I am. ‘Well, is it?’
‘It’s not how it sounds,’ he mumbles, a weak effort at defense.
/>
‘Yeah, sure. Josh, please don’t call again. We’re not together any more. Goodbye.’ I hear him protesting, but I hang up the phone anyway, and return it to its cradle on my way back to the lounge, where conversation is suddenly louder than it should be. I think they probably overheard my conversation, but I don’t ask.
‘What did Josh want?’ Mom asks.
‘Another chance, I think. I wasn’t really in the mood to listen. I told him no, and hung up.’
Mom lets out a loud, short burst of laughter, and I know from the way she doesn’t ask how Josh is feeling about all this that she heard what I said to him. ‘That’s my girl.’
Chapter Nineteen
The next morning, when Todd parks in the student parking lot and kills the engine, he grabs my hand before I can get out of the car.
‘Are you sure you’re gonna be okay today?’
‘Sure. I mean, I’m the one who broke up with him. It’s not going to be that awkward. At least, I hope not.’ I was doing my best to be optimistic about that, but then I clench my hands into fists, groaning. ‘Damn, I forgot about lunch. I guess I’ll just go to the library instead, again.’
‘Again?’
‘I went there yesterday, after our argument. I didn’t want to make it obvious to everyone how much of a loser I was by eating alone in the cafeteria. Everybody was already laughing at me because some guy called me a prude.’
‘Why don’t you come eat lunch with us? My friends won’t mind. They had a great time with you at my party a while ago.’
I grimace. ‘Really?’
‘Yeah. Come on. It’s just lunch.’
I start to agree, but stop myself, and turn away. ‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘Allie’s going to be there.’
‘So? I know you two don’t get on so much, but just don’t sit by her or talk to her. Easy.’
‘No, you don’t understand. I don’t want her to think that just because things are over with Josh, I’ve come crawling back to her. It’ll just make her feel crappy. Would you want to be someone’s second choice like that? She’ll think I’m only hanging out with her because I’ve got nobody better to go to.’