‘But you won’t be hanging out with her,’ he points out. ‘You’ll be hanging out with me.’
I shake my head. ‘She won’t see it like that. I wouldn’t, in her shoes. It’s fine, don’t worry. I’ll go to the library. I have some reading to do anyway.’
I get out of the car, closing the door, and Todd has no choice but to head into school with me. We linger in the corridor together for five minutes until we have to go to homeroom, and that’s when I start to miss Josh – and realize how pathetic I am, without any friends.
I trudge to homeroom, fall into a desk at the front of the class, and bury my head in a book.
I see Josh a few times throughout the morning because we have a couple of classes together, but I always choose to sit somewhere else, not next to him. I accidentally catch his eye in chemistry, and smile, but he just scowls and looks down at the desk, so I don’t try that again.
The bell finally rings for lunch, and a growing sense of dread forms in the pit of my stomach, only making me feel hungrier – the library is closed over today’s lunch hour, according to the paper sign taped to the door I saw earlier, so I have little choice but to go to the cafeteria.
I let the swarm of students carry me from class to the cafeteria, and I focus on thinking about whether to go for tacos, or a sandwich, instead of the fact I’ll be eating alone.
Hands clap on my shoulders, and I jump, looking over my shoulder but still walking with the tide. ‘Oh, it’s you. I swear, Todd, you’re going to kill me one of these days.’
He shrugs. ‘Well, I was going to say that we’ll have lunch, just you and me, so you don’t have to deal with the Allie situation, but if you’re not happy to see me . . .’
I grab his arm, pulling him around to my side. ‘That sounds perfect. Are you sure you don’t mind?’
He ruffles my hair. ‘What are friends for, right?’
We opt for tacos, and I grab some Hershey’s Kisses from the counter, too, and find a couple of empty chairs at the end of a busy table to sit at.
‘So how’s today been? You know, with regard to Josh.’
‘On a scale of one to ten, with one being totally fine and ten being the most cripplingly awkward thing I’ve ever experienced? I’m going to say a six.’
‘Ouch.’
‘Mm-hmm. I mean, I tried to smile at him in class, but he just got really grumpy and wouldn’t look at me. It could be worse, I guess. He could’ve been crying.’
‘Yeah, I’d believe that when I see it.’
I take a bite out of my taco, and try to look as surreptitiously as I can around the cafeteria. Josh is there, staring over at me. When he sees me looking, he turns to Naomi and Sam, and starts talking.
I set my taco down, swallowing past the lump in my throat.
‘You starting to feel bad and regret it now?’ Todd asks.
‘I feel kind of sorry for him. I didn’t realize he’d take it this hard.’
‘You were dating for a long time. He was in love with you, right? For him, it came out of nowhere.’
‘I guess, but . . . I did the right thing, didn’t I?’
‘You weren’t happy,’ he says simply. ‘So yeah, you did the right thing.’ He eats another fry, looks up at me – and smirks a little. ‘You have some sauce on your nose.’
‘Oh, crap, where?’ I look at my hands, but they have grease and sauce over them, and search around desperately for a napkin, but I can’t see one anywhere. We didn’t pick any up. ‘Have you got a Kleenex, or something I can use?’
‘Here.’ He reaches over and wipes the end of my nose with the pad of his thumb. ‘But I’ll go find some napkins anyway.’
‘Thank you!’ I call after him, and pick my taco back up. As I raise it to take a bite, my eyes meet Josh’s; this time he doesn’t look away. He just scowls and glares, and I have to look away first.
I wait around Todd’s car for him to show up. Last bell rang like, fifteen minutes ago. The wind has picked up, and it’s freezing out here! I wrap my arms around myself, and lean against the car bonnet carefully. Most of the cars in the parking lot are already gone . . . where the hell is he?
It’s Friday, and it’s been a hellish week, and I just want to go home.
I texted him five minutes ago, but he never replied.
I wait another few minutes, distracting myself with Angry Birds, before closing the app and typing out another text to Todd. I’m about to press ‘send’ when I hear footsteps approaching, and look up.
It’s not Todd, though, just some kid I don’t know. I huff, and look at my phone, but I still don’t send the text. I’m going to go find him myself.
I know he had gym last, so I head in that direction, toward the boys’ locker rooms. I linger outside, wondering whether or not to go in. I probably shouldn’t really, but . . .
There’s the sound of clanging metal, like someone fell into a locker, and a muffled, ‘Oomph!’ I frown, trying to listen more, but I can’t tell what’s going on. So I suck in a breath and push open the door.
It stinks like sweat and feet and the overpowering stench of various deodorants. It’s absolutely vile, and I almost gag, and start to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. I walk around some of the lockers to the sound of bawdy laughter, and muffled grunts.
I stop in my tracks when I see Josh shoving someone, someone with floppy brown hair and headphones around their neck. They drop their backpack, and someone else kicks it, sending papers scattering out across the dirty floor.
‘I saw you two at lunch,’ Josh is saying, spitting the words out in anger. ‘Don’t try and deny it. Come on, how long have you two been sleeping together, huh?’ Todd starts to stand back up, only to be pushed again.
‘She deserves better than you,’ Todd spits.
‘Oh, what, like you?’ They all laugh. ‘Come on; tell me. How long has she been cheating on me, screwing you behind my back?’
I gasp audibly, a hand flying up to cover my mouth. The sound draws their attention: Josh, three guys – Austin included, I notice – and Todd.
‘What are you doing?’ I all but screech, shoving through them when they don’t move aside. I grab at Todd’s bony shoulders, but he pushes me away, and ducks his head like he can hide what’s happened. But it’s too late, I’ve already seen: his lip is split and swollen, and there’s a graze across his cheek – from the lockers or a fist, I don’t know.
‘Todd—’
‘Get off,’ he snaps, shoving me backwards, and he rubs the back of his hand across his bloody lip.
A hand sits on my shoulder. ‘Aw, come on, Ashley, we were only—’
I shrug Josh’s hand off. ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing? You can’t just beat him up for no good reason—’
‘I had a reason,’ he said, through gritted teeth.
‘Oh, what? Thinking he was sleeping with me? Are you kidding me? You really think I’d do something like that? One second I’m frigid, the next I’m sleeping around. Make your mind up already – but don’t take it out on Todd.’
‘I don’t need you to defend me,’ Todd snaps, pitching in from behind me with a scowl.
‘Tough,’ I respond. I can’t believe Josh would do something like this. I realized earlier how hard he’d taken our break up, but I hadn’t thought he’d take it out on Todd . . .
Todd bends down to scoop up his scattered books and papers, and is about to put a hand on his blue notebook when one of the other guys, Ian, puts a muddy sneaker on the cover and shoves Todd’s shoulder, sending him off balance so he lands on his butt.
‘What’s this, your diary?’ he snickers, picking it up.
I’m about to snatch back the notebook myself and give the jackass a piece of my mind, when Todd shoots me a look to tell me not to interfere; I can see his point. A reaction is only going to encourage them.
Ian starts leafing through the book, and I can see the muscles in Todd’s face twitching and his mouth contorts with a wince when Ian says, ‘Oh, look at
that, it is a diary!’ He pulls out a Post-It note and I can see him wondering if he should read it out loud or not.
Todd’s back on his feet now, and tries to snatch the book back – but Ian laughs, holding it up out of reach and then tossing it to Austin. I turn to him, and plant my hands on my hips, doing my best impression of Mom’s stern glare.
‘Give that back to him right now or I swear to God I’ll—’
‘What? Tattle on us?’ the other guy, Kevin, jeers. ‘Ooh, I’m so scared.’
Austin turns to laugh and add something, and I grab the book out of his hands before he notices I’m moving. I hand it back to Todd, who buries it in his backpack.
Josh pulls on my sleeve to get my attention, bringing me close enough that he can wrap an arm around my waist. I glare at him, pushing on his chest. ‘Don’t touch me.’
‘Ah, come on, Ashley, let’s just talk about this—’
I twist out of his arms, furious. ‘If you really thought I was sleeping with Todd behind your back, you should have spoken to me about it, not beaten him up. You’ve just lost any chance of talking to me about anything ever again.’
Todd grabs my elbow gently. ‘Let’s just get out of here.’
‘The kid’s a total loser, Ashley,’ Josh tries to tell me, walking after us as I let Todd lead me out of the locker room.
‘You’re the losers here. Four against one? Hardly fair, is it? That’s just cowardly.’
Josh stops in his tracks, taken aback, and the door swings shut on him.
Todd jerks up his hood to hide the extent of the damage in case we pass anybody. I want to say something, but feel so useless. This is all my fault. If I hadn’t sat with him at lunch, Josh might not have decided to beat him up. All Todd did was be a good friend, and this is how he gets repaid for it. Almost like he knows I might say something, he pulls the headphones up over his ears beneath the hood.
With his head hung low, his hair flops over his face, hiding his expression from view. He takes his keys out of his pocket when we’re in the parking lot, unlocks the car, and gets in, not saying anything.
I frown over at him, but get in the car.
‘Todd?’
He either doesn’t hear me, or simply pretends not to. He puts the key in the ignition, but doesn’t turn it.
‘Todd?’
Still no response.
If he’s ignoring me, I’m not going to put up with it.
I make to pull down his hood and headphones in one swift motion, but it’s not as smooth as I’d anticipated, and the headphones stick on one side, so I have to reach over with my other hand to wrestle them down. He tries to swat me off, but it’s useless: I’m determined.
‘Ashley, get off.’
‘Don’t do this to me now, Todd. Please, I just want to talk.’
I grab his bony wrists, pulling them away from where he fights to pull his hood back up, and finally he gives up, sighing heavily, and turns his head toward me.
‘Talk about what? Your ex-boyfriend cornering me after gym class to accuse me of sleeping with you? Or how you had to come and rescue me because I’m so pathetic I can’t even take care of myself?’
‘Sorry you think I interfered,’ I reply calmly. ‘I came looking for you, and it’s not like I could just stand by and watch.’
He sighs again. ‘I know. Sorry. It’s not you I’m mad at.’
‘Maybe you should be,’ I mumble. ‘This is my fault. If I hadn’t—’
‘It’s not your fault, either. Josh is just a complete asshole,’ he snaps, spitting out the words like they’re poisonous. He twists the key violently, but the engine stutters, and he has to try again. When he tries to put the car in gear, it stalls. He smacks a hand against the steering wheel, and winces. I notice his knuckles are scraped raw, like he punched something.
I brush a fingertip lightly over the back of his hand. ‘What happened?’
He takes a deep breath and starts the car again, this time properly.
He puts the car in gear and pulls out of the spot, taking us home and away from the school. ‘I tried to punch him back, obviously, but some guy shoved me and I missed and punched the locker instead. It just really sucks. I mean, if he wants to act like a brat and say things like that to me, then fine, I can handle it. He’s not the first guy like that to beat me up. But it’s the fact that he thought you were cheating on him. Like that was the only reason why you’d break up with him. Not because he’s a—’
I sigh and he cuts off, and I sink into my seat. ‘I think I’m getting a headache.’
Todd flicks on the indicator as we pause at a stop sign and turn. I rub my temples. Definitely getting a headache.
‘How are you feeling about the whole break-up thing, anyway?’
‘I don’t miss him,’ I say. ‘But it’s weird, not having a boyfriend, not being someone’s girlfriend. We dated for more than a year and a half. I’m used to texting him goodnight and going over to his house after school to just hang out and snuggle with a movie. It’s not him I miss, though, it’s just those things.’ I shake my head. ‘It’ll pass.’
‘Yeah.’ Todd looks at me quickly to smile, then winces as his lip starts bleeding again. ‘Give it a week, and you’ll wonder what you were feeling so nostalgic over.’
‘Uh-huh. So, onto a slightly more pressing matter, my mom’s starting to plan Thanksgiving dinner and wants to know: how do you feel about yams?’
Chapter Twenty
I get a haircut on the weekend, and Mom takes me to the mall.
‘You’re single now,’ she says with a smile. ‘Time for a re-vamp and a new outfit. Out with the old, in with the new.’
‘Is this new outfit for Thanksgiving dinner? And the haircut?’
‘Yes, but that’s entirely beside the point.’
‘Can I have some new shoes as well?’
Mom gives me a sidelong look and lets out a melodramatic, ‘Well, I suppose . . .’
It’s a great day out, actually – I get a cute purple sweater dress and a brown belt, and some new Mary Janes to go with it. We go to the Chinese restaurant for lunch. At one point, I start to wallow in self-pity; I haven’t had this much fun in ages, and I’m shopping with my mother, not friends – I don’t even really have any friends at this point, I don’t think.
But the self-pity party doesn’t last long. I’m having too much of a good time.
It’s been a while since my mom and I really spent some quality time together, and I think it puts us both in a great mood.
And I’m still in a great mood when I get out of bed on Monday morning, which is a surprising change. I mean, who wakes up in a good mood on a Monday morning, anyway?
I take extra time braiding my hair, and applying eyeliner with great care and a steady hand. I choose a plain black T-shirt and pair it with the silver scarf I bought Saturday at the mall, and pull on my ankle boots over skinny jeans.
When I go downstairs for breakfast, Dad is sat scrolling through the Financial Times on his iPad. Humming quietly, I pour myself some cereal and take a seat by him.
‘You seem to be in a good mood,’ he comments.
‘Why shouldn’t I be? The sun is shining, my hair looks good . . .’
‘It’s a Monday . . .’
‘Ah, who cares?’
‘Still not feeling bad about the whole Josh situation, then. I’m glad. It’s nice to see you so happy for once.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, the last few weeks before you two broke up, you looked so stressed out all the time, and you were always so distant. It’s just nice to see you back to normal. And a little less sarcastic.’
‘Pfft, when am I ever sarcastic?’ I roll my eyes, and Dad laughs.
‘Now, I won’t be home till about seven, and your Mom has a meeting out of town, but she should be back just after six. If you get hungry, there’s leftover lasagna in the refrigerator.’
I leave a couple of minutes early, waiting in my car with the engine running and t
he heater on, my stereo blasting the new mix CD I burned last night. Right now, it’s playing ‘Young Volcanoes’.
The passenger door opens and Todd tosses his backpack carelessly onto the backseat, and then his lanky legs slide into the car, and he ducks his head as he climbs in. ‘Fall Out Boy?’
I grin. ‘It’s never a bad time to listen to Fall Out Boy.’
He laughs. His lip isn’t as swollen today, and the split in it is healing. There’s a faint bruise on the edge of his cheek, too, but that doesn’t look so bad at least. Even so, it sends a pang of guilt through me. ‘Your car, your music. It’s just lucky we have the same taste. So, feeling okay about school today?’
‘You know what? I really am.’
‘And you’re not going to eat lunch on your own?’
‘Nope. But I’m not so sure I’m going to sit at your table. I don’t know that I can face Allie.’
Todd sighs. ‘Why don’t you just talk to her? Apologize? I’m sure she’d understand . . .’
‘She was the one who started the argument,’ I say stubbornly, feeling a dent in my good mood. ‘She—’
‘Okay, okay, sorry I asked . . .’
‘Sorry.’
‘Never mind. So who are you going to eat lunch with?’
‘Um, well, I . . . hadn’t completely thought it through . . . But hey, there’s always Jack, from biology. He’s nice.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘Todd, come on, I know you found it hard to try and make friends, especially being the new kid, but it’s just as hard for me – only not in the same way. Sure, I talk to all these people in class and we get on, and I’ve known them for years, but that’s kind of my point: I’ve known them for so long, isn’t it going to be weird if I’m suddenly trying to hang out with them all the time? I don’t want them to think that it’s because they’re second best, or anything. And I don’t want them to pity me and pretend to enjoy hanging out with me.’
‘Sometimes you just have to suck it up, and—’
‘Yeah, yeah, spare me the pep talk, please.’ I turn up the volume on the music, turn off the heater, roll down the windows, and sing along at the top of my voice.When we get out of the car at school, we’re laughing. I’m not really sure why, but it’s nice, and the stitch in my side doesn’t even bother me.