He rolled his shoulders and tilted his chin, giving his posture a pseudo-macho image that didn’t match this man at all. “I’ve never had someone...look at me quite...like...that.” He shook his head. “Knock it off, Kelly!” His voice rose in pitch, and the flush darkened. “I feel like a sex object or something.”
I started laughing again couldn’t stop. “Make me.”
“That does it. No more Mr. Nice Guy.” He shook his head, threw the towels on the sand, and darted toward me.
Sensing paybacks, I started swimming further out. Before I managed to put much distance between us, Tyler grabbed my ankles, ignored my frantic kicks, and pulled me under. As I headed back to the surface, his fingers abandoned my ankles, and his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. I came up sputtering.
“So you want me to make you stop, huh?” he asked, holding me against him even though I was flailing my body, trying to get loose. He started trailing his fingers up and down my sides, tickling.
“Don’t!” I shrieked between giggles. “Stop it.” I tried to peel his fingers away but couldn’t.
“Make me,” he said. “Otherwise, I’m going to locate every ticklish place on you, and I’ll remember each one for the rest of my life. I’ll tickle you mercilessly.”
“Stop it!” I said again in a breathy whisper. I arched my back and threw us both into the water. As Tyler went under, his grip slackened, and I pulled away. My sides hurt from laughing so much, but even when I came to the surface, I couldn’t stop.
“What’s so funny?” he asked, reaching out, threatening to tickle me again.
I took a deep breath but kept laughing.
Tyler reached for me, drawing me to him. I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to fend him off, but this time he didn’t place his hands at my stomach, but cupped his hands around my chin. As his palms touched my skin, I felt his callouses, and even with the roughness, I reveled in his touch. I reveled in him. I still giggled uncontrollably.
“I have a sure way to stop that,” he said, bringing my face toward him, bending until our lips touched. Yes, once again, I knew Tyler had healed some other part of me. I relaxed against him. Our skin met, warm even in the cool ocean.
When he finally pulled away, I kept my eyes closed for just a second, remembering, and when I opened them, I found him staring at me. “What are you thinking?” I asked.
“I never much figured you’d like to go skinny dipping.” He shook his head and slid his hand under me until I lay back, floating in the water.
“In another life I wouldn’t have,” I said. “But something magical happened: you.” I touched his chest.
He gently pulled me around in the water. “It’s always nice to know somebody else believes in magic.”
Chapter Twelve
Lazy June sunlight streamed into the room where Tyler and I lay as we slept late one Saturday morning. I opened my eyes and saw Tyler lying on his back. Against the white sheets, his arms and chest appeared a rich bronze. I stared at his face and saw long, dark eyelashes flutter slightly in dreams.
The corded muscles in his body tensed suddenly, and Tyler murmured something in a broken whisper so unlike his usual voice. “Alicia,” he whispered. “Don’t go.”
Alicia, I thought. His sister.
His head moved slightly toward me, revealing the lines of sunlight and pain etched upon his face. Sweat beaded on his forehead, and his hair lay matted against his forehead. Although the summer air warmed us both, I knew the perspiration and tautness fused in his body had surfaced for reasons other than the temperature.
I reached out and splayed my hand across his chest, nestling my fingers in the soft mat of hair. “Tyler?” I said softly, reassuringly.
At the feel of my hand, his eyes opened, and an ocean unfolded before me, unfurling his nightmare in the blue agony of his irises. He blinked, and a salted tear spilled down his face, stopping only when my finger met it at his cheek. As the moisture touched my skin, Tyler took my hand and pulled my body toward him, fusing our skin once again.
Although I felt raw strength in his arms, I also felt something else, something powerfully unnamed that drew us so close. As I rested my head against his chest and listened to the furious drumming of his heart, I wrapped my arms around him, trying to gather the pieces which seemed to fragment each second of silence.
“Tyler, what is it?”
His embrace tightened around me. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“It might help,” I suggested, knowing talking about that nightmare probably wouldn’t reduce its strength. But what was its power to make someone as strong as Tyler afraid?
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he repeated in a slightly gruffer tone. “It won’t help.”
I closed my eyes and bit my lip. I knew a “Keep Out” sign when I saw one. But I wasn’t about to obey. I pulled myself closer to him, as though I could compress our bodies together and hold onto that unity. “Don’t shut me out, Tyler. Not now. Not like this.”
“I’m not shutting you out,” he said in forced patience. He raked his fingers through his hair, brushing the strands away from his face savagely. The far-away sound of a doorbell saved him from elaborating.
“Don’t answer that,” I said, trying to hold onto him even as he pulled away.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, getting up and pulling on a pair of denim shorts. “Stay put.”
A moment later, he was gone, and I sat up in bed, knowing the last thing I wanted to do was stay put when Tyler wasn’t beside me. Besides, I thought, slipping on a t-shirt and shorts, I wanted to know who was at the door.
As I stepped into the hallway, I heard another male voice, saying, “Damn it, Tyler, it’s Alicia’s birthday. The least you can do is go see Dad.”
“We both know how that will turn out, don’t we, Seth?” Tyler growled.
I stepped into the hallway and slowly walked toward the living room from where the voices had come. I managed silence with each step, suddenly aware of why Tyler hadn’t wanted me to move. He had probably known who would be at the door.
“How long are you going to give him the silent treatment? Until he’s dead, too,” Seth snapped.
“Yeah, well, when he quits reminding me it’s my fault Alicia’s buried in that cemetery, then maybe I’ll go see him.” Tyler’s normal tenor voice thickened with anger and guilt.
I inhaled sharply, stunned first at Tyler’s words and then, even more, at the hard tone in which he spoke. So that was why he had a nightmare about Alicia. That was why he refused to talk to me about it. He felt as though he were to blame for her death. I finally made it to the corner and slowly peered around, hoping I wouldn’t be spotted by either of them.
Seth stood taller than Tyler, but otherwise, looked so much like his brother that I felt as though I were seeing double. The only real difference besides height was that Seth was dressed in a jogging suit and wore a Braves baseball cap. Seth reached over and touched Tyler’s shoulder. “He’s just angry and hurt. He’s lost his only daughter.”
Tyler recoiled and shook his head. “Yeah, and we lost our only sister. Don’t you think I know it’s my fault?”
Seth folded his arms across his chest. He tilted his head slightly and spotted me standing in the doorway. “I didn’t say it was your. . . .”
His voice abruptly died as his gaze followed Seth’ stare.
Tyler whirled, and in those blue eyes, I saw someone I wouldn’t have recognized. The ocean blue swirled in rage. Angry lines furrowed into his forehead. “Didn’t I ask you to stay in the bedroom, Kelly?” He shook his head and threw his arms upward. “Forget it. We were finished anyway, Seth.”
As Tyler stalked out the door, I called to him and tried to reach him. Instead of waiting, he darted out, saying, “Don’t follow me.”
“Tyler,” I called, trying to latch onto his arm. “Don’t go.”
Stunned by this sudden barrier between us, I stopped at the door and placed my hand on it, as though i
t might give way and let me inside Tyler’s wounds.
From the window, I saw Tyler run down the steps and head toward the catamaran. His arms were pulled close to his body, and he darted across the beach. After a few adjustments on the sailboat, he pushed the boat out into the water and jumped on.
As he moved farther and farther from shore, I saw one side of the Hobie rising higher and higher. Chills raced through me as I watched the boat gather wind and speed. As the one side of the boat started to rise sharply, Tyler jumped to a standing position and then hiked out. For a second, I saw his body jerk as he almost fell off the side of the cat.
I took a deep breath. Tyler wasn’t sailing, he was trying to outrun his demons. My heart slammed in my chest as I watched the sailboat shrink until the distance finally swallowed it completely.
Seth cleared his throat, and I turned to find him staring at the ground. His hands were jammed into his pockets, and he shook his head. “Sorry about that, Kelly.” Seth said. “Typical brother fight between us these days.” He pulled off his baseball cap and sat on the couch. “I wouldn’t have come if I’d known he was with someone. We haven’t spoken in a while.” He looked toward the door. “I didn’t mean to cause trouble between the two of you.”
“You didn’t. Tyler and I have been together for a few months.” Even though it seems like forever. I felt the world spinning around me as I tried to piece together the argument I’d just heard. I walked to the couch, sat down and stared at the floor. “What happened?”
Seth took a deep breath. “Tyler gets pretty closed off when it comes to Alicia. He’s still not over it.” He walked to the door. “Maybe none of us are.”
I watched his fingertips curl around the doorknob. “What did Tyler mean about it being his fault Alicia died?”
Seth turned slowly but averted his eyes. “I shouldn’t go into that.”
I stood. “Please.”
“Alicia and Tyler were close. Real close.” He rubbed his forehead, but the thick creases of worry remained. “The day Alicia died, she and Tyler had had a bad argument about Alicia’s fiance.” He placed the cap back onto his head. “My father had always doted on Alicia. He blamed Tyler for her accident.”
I closed my eyes as I felt Tyler’s pain. “And Tyler blamed himself.”
“Yeah. Everybody needs somebody to blame, I guess.” Seth opened the door. “I’ve probably said too much.”
“Who do you blame?”
Seth lingered in the doorway. “Myself.” His shoulders slumped slightly. “For not being there.”
“But it wasn’t your fault any more than it was Tyler’s,” I protested.
“Maybe. Maybe not.” He adjusted his cap. “Goodbye, Kelly. I wish we could have met under better circumstances.”
Once Seth had closed the door, I walked down the hallway and stared at the pictures of Alicia, wondering how Tyler could live with that overwhelming feeling of guilt. Why hadn’t he shared it with me? I would have gladly borne that load for him. Tears pooled in my eyes. If he could take the weight of my cancer, I could take the weight of his pain.
I closed my eyes and remembered the way he had sailed away as though something chased him. I stepped outside into the sharp afternoon sunlight and darted down the stairs. As I stared into the water where tourists swam and strangers jogged, I felt panicked by this distance Tyler had suddenly erected between us, and worried that for all his strength, I had found a weakness that could actually destroy the man I so desperately loved.
I sat on the bottom step of the stairs and waited, scanning the water for signs of him. My back formed a wall, and I pressed my hands together as though that might stop the trembling. An hour passed in the lazy rhythm of the tide and the soft circular flight of the gulls overhead. Children built castles in the sand, and I waited, wondering if I should have stayed in the bedroom as I remembered the flash of anger smouldering in his eyes.
“Please come home, Tyler.” I whispered. “Please don’t shut me out.” My heart beat so fast I was dizzy with its fear, overwhelmed by its traffic.
Larkin ran up to me and barked as he sat in the sand. As I reached to pet him, tears stung my eyes, and I prayed not for myself but instead for Tyler. It wasn’t that I had the peace I needed to face death. It was that Tyler had made me remember what living was about. But he couldn’t teach himself, not with self-destructive guilt eating away at him, guilt he’d kept so well-hidden I hadn’t known about it until now.
I looked up and saw the smallest outline of a catamaran. Tyler. Letting out a breath of relief, I rolled my shoulders, trying to ease the stiffness. As the catamaran sped toward the shore, I saw one hull rising high into the air. Tyler stood on that hull, leaning out over the water. His skin glowed in the bright sunlight. The muscles in his arms tightened as hiked his body outward on the hull.
Once the boat was close enough so that I could see the outline of his body, I stood and ran toward the water, ignoring the fact that I wore shorts and a shirt instead of a swim suit. Tyler saw me coming and slowed the boat so that he could climb off the hull and sit on the tramp. “Stay there,” he yelled.
I kept wading. Once the water was waist deep, I dove and started swimming to meet him. As I reached the boat, Tyler loosened the sail so that the boat stopped moving. He leaned over. “I told you to stay put. I was coming for you, Kelly.” The sun haloed his dark hair as he reached for me.
I pushed myself up on a hull and, with Tyler’s help, managed to get on the tramp. “I know. It just wasn’t soon enough for me, that’s all.”
He ignored my wet clothes and drew me into his arms, and I was surprised by the fierceness of his embrace. “I didn’t mean to take things out on you. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you.”
I closed my eyes and leaned into his strength. “You won’t lose me. I just don’t want to feel like there are walls between us. I did that with Gary. I don’t have the strength to do it again.”
“I’m sorry.” He held me even tighter, if that were possible. “I never meant to hurt you. I thought you might turn away if you knew about Alicia. It was my fault, all my fault. I told her that I didn’t trust her fiancé. He didn’t love her. Maybe I was right. Maybe I was just jealous because up until then we’d always been the best of friends, and he was threatening to take her away. What if I hadn’t fought with her? She would still be alive.” He took a ragged breath. “My father’s right. It’s my fault she died. And now I’m driving you away. God, I’m sorry.” He kissed my forehead.
“Don’t be. And there’s nothing you could do to turn me away. You’re part of me, the very best part.” I pulled away and looked into his eyes. I touched his face, tracing the rise of his cheekbone. “I know you miss Alicia. But it’s not your fault. Whatever happened, however things might have appeared when she died, your heart is clean. I know. All these months I’ve been living there.” I kissed his chin. “You loved her, and you never would have hurt anyone you loved.”
Tyler closed his eyes. “I don’t deserve you. But I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. God, Kelly. How could I have ever lived without you?”
“You weren’t meant to. We were meant to be together.” We lay on the tramp and watched the clouds drift by. I rested on Tyler’s chest, hearing his heart and knowing I had finally learned why I had come to this crossroads. Tyler was teaching me to live, and I was teaching him to love.
Chapter Thirteen
“God, that’s incredible,” Tyler said in a breathy voice. He stood right beside me, staring at the seascape I’d finished yesterday.
I shrugged. “Not really.” I closed my eyes, feeling tired. When I opened them, I looked at Tyler.
Tyler leaned over the easel. “Yeah, I forgot that everybody paints pictures like this. No challenge or anything.” He touched the sailboat, tracing the rainbow sail against the wide, azure sky. Then he touched the man I’d painted on the back of the boat. “That’s me. You were painting me....” His voice trailed off.
One of his ar
ms swept under my legs and lifted me up. “Tyler!” I protested, forcing my eyes open. I could feel the pressure building in my head, and the first sharp waves of pain swept over me. Another headache. They’re getting closer, more frequent.
“Does your head hurt?” he asked, setting me on the bed.
I nodded and rolled into a ball. My fingers massaged my temples, trying to drive away the ripping claws.
“I’ll get your medicine.” He touched my back before leaving.
Each second sharpened in my head with new, hungry pain. God, it felt worse than before. I whimpered. Make it stop! I thought.
Tyler slid his arm around me and pulled me upright. “Here’s a pill, sweetheart. Open up.” I parted my lips and felt him drop one in my mouth. “Now the water,” He said and touched the glass against my lips. I took a sip and pulled away, trying to escape the fireworks exploding in my brain. Whiteness surged there, then forked lines spreading through the darkness like streaks of lightning. “God, I wish I were dead!” I cried.
“No!” Tyler said. He wrapped his arms around me, drawing my body against his chest. “Don’t you ever say that, Kelly. Don’t you ever even think that.”
“It hurts,” I whispered. The darkness was coming. I clutched Tyler’s arms, fighting it.
“I’m here, Kelly. I’ll always be with you. “Always.” Even through the fog that swirled inside, I heard the thickened timbre of his voice. I held onto it, pushing the fear away.
Pain. Darkness.
* * *
When I woke, Tyler lay next to me, his arms draped protectively around me, pulling my back to his chest. Even though he was tall, I molded perfectly to him, two letters of our own private alphabet. Yes, we had taught each other a whole new language, but once I left him behind, would my soul ever speak again? Would it ever want to?
He lay so still I knew he slept. Every day seemed shorter, harder, as though I was standing in front of a window covered with mini-blinds. At first, the slats were completely horizontal, the view of the world outside was clear, and I could see the green-leaved branches swaying in the breeze, yet, every day someone twisted the wand just a little more and I saw less. Tyler was on the other side of the glass, and no amount of praying could free me into his world; he couldn’t exist in mine.