I looked down at his hand, the one with the slight scar. It lay on the bed, and the fingers lolled open. I looked at the short, clean nails and at the callouses that said he wasn’t afraid of work and that he was strong. God, I’d known that from the first. I smiled despite the tears forming in my eyes. How hard he’d worked to do the right thing about Gary, even though he’d been drawn to me from our first meeting. And how strong he was to try to live like this. But he deserved a life with someone who would keep breathing, not these hours amid the pain I couldn’t stop.
I slid toward the edge, trying to sneak away without waking him, but at my slightest movement, I felt his fingers gently grab my arm, holding me next to him.
“I’ve been waiting for you to open those beautiful eyes,” Tyler said, gently running his fingers down my arm. “You must have put me under your spell, lady. I fell asleep, too.” His voice sounded deeper than usual, probably husky from the nap we’d just taken.
I stood and walked to the window.
“What’s wrong, Kelly?” Tyler asked, sitting up. He brushed through his hair and rubbed his eyes. “Are you feeling okay? Do you need something?”
I looked outside at the ocean. A greying haze painted the sky. “I’m fine. The pain is gone.”
Tyler stood. His arms hung awkwardly at his side. In my peripheral vision I saw him standing just a few steps behind me. “Then what is it? Why are you shutting me out?”
I lifted my hand and brushed my fingers across the tear tracks, trying to wipe away all the evidence that they had existed. “I’m not shutting you out,” I said, avoiding his gaze.
“Bullshit.” He spoke in an even tone, but the words still hurt. “What is it, Kelly?” He stepped toward me and gently laid his hands on my forearms. “Tell me, sweetheart.”
I closed my eyes, trying not to remember his ocean-colored irises or feel his fingers gently touching my arms. “I think I should go home.” I stared at Tyler’s questioning expression and said, “To Colorado.”
Tyler inhaled sharply as though I’d slammed my fist into his stomach. “No, this is your home, Kelly.” His shoulders appeared rigidly straight.
I cringed at the truth of his statement and thought of a stupid cliche: home is where the heart is. Yes, I belonged with Tyler. But he deserved more than I could offer him. “I should call the airport for reservations.”
“No.” The color quickly drained from Tyler’s face. “You can’t leave. Maybe you haven’t lived here as long as you did in Colorado. But it’s still your home. It always will be.” He slid his hand under my chin and raised my face so I had to look at him. “Don’t do this.”
I chewed on my lip, trying to distract myself from the pain that wrapped around my heart. “I have to, Tyler. It’s getting close. I can feel it.”
“It doesn’t matter how close it gets. What we have isn’t about time.” For just a second, he closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. He inhaled so sharply his nostrils flared. Then he peered at me, baptizing me anew in those azure rings I’d come to know so well. He squinted his eyes, and every inch of his face was lined in pain—so much of it I had caused by loving him. So much I could never erase. Oh, sweet Jesus. What had I done?
“Tyler,” I said his name even knowing I had no words to follow.
“It doesn’t mean it’s time for you to leave. Do you think I can’t handle this? Do you think Gary can do this better because he’s got his name on the marriage certificate?” He started pacing the room. At first, he thrust his hands to his hips then slid them into his pocket.
“Don’t, Tyler,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and brushing my hands up and down my arms.
Tyler stopped pacing and stared at me. With his button-down denim shirt untucked and his hair slightly rumpled from having slept on it, he looked undone. His appearance matched what surfaced in his eyes. “Don’t do what? Don’t get so upset you think you need to leave? Don’t act shocked that you want to call it quits? You’re tearing me up with all your good-hearted intentions.” His voice had shifted from a soft tenor to a harder, colder tone.
“Everything ends, Tyler,” I said, crossing the room and sitting back on the bed. “It’s just a matter of when.”
He walked over and knelt in front of me. “Not us.” His blue eyes seared through me. “Not like this.” He brushed his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry, Kelly. I shouldn’t have said that about Gary, even if I did feel it. But you’re building a wall to keep me out, and that’s the one thing I can’t take. What is it, Kelly. What’s driving you to hurt us like this—and don’t say you’re sick enough to quit. That’s not it. Don’t blame it on pity because we both know I don’t pity you. I love you too damned much to pity you.”
I laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. “I never once planned on falling in love with you, Tyler. I don’t think I’ve planned a single thing I’ve done in my life. Most of the time it hasn’t mattered one way or another. But this— ” I said, closing my eyes. Even there I saw his face, waiting for my answer. “—this was selfish. I wanted you. I needed you. So I let you in without ever thinking about what would happen when it ended. You deserve a lifetime of love, Tyler. That’s something I’ll never be able to give you, no matter how badly I want to.”
My whole body started trembling and goose bumps rose on my skin. They didn’t come from feeling cold, just frightened. Outside the open window I heard the tide rolling in. Whitecaps spiked the water, and the waves crashed loudly upon the shore. Inside, I felt the ocean water battering me, bruising me against hidden rocks. It took everything I had to keep the pain inside when I felt the tightness in my chest.
“But you aren’t asking me what I want, are you?” He walked to the bed and sat, lying his head beside mine. “And what makes you think most people who have a lifetime of love are happy or in love when they die? Does time make everything perfect?” He shook his head. “No, it doesn’t. Sure, it cleans things up by making people forget the bad moments, but that doesn’t mean a lifetime with someone else would be worth more than three months with you.” His left hand stroked the wisps of hair curled around my face. “I’m in love with you, Kelly and you can’t teach me not to need whatever time is left. No one can.”
I took a deep breath. “But I shouldn’t--”
“You didn’t, Kelly.” He touched his hand to my mouth, silencing me. “I wanted to be with you just as much as you wanted me. More, I think. It was just as much my choice as yours. I told you I knew you were sick long before you told me. I could’ve backed away if I’d wanted. But I didn’t. I wanted you. I still do. Always will.” He rose on his elbow, leaning over me.
Tears filmed my eyes, and I tried to blink them away. “But it’s not fair to you.”
He laughed and kissed away my tears. “Ah, God, sweetheart, it’s more than fair. It’s the closest thing I’ve ever known to heaven, and I’m not about to let you destroy it with noble ideas.” He kissed my forehead. “If you want to think one of us is using the other, then think I’m the heartless bastard for never letting you out of my sight and occupying your last moments of life. Think I’m selfish for wanting my face to be etched in your heart so you’ll always have some part of me with you wherever you end up. Go on and think I need you and want you more than you ever could me, Kelly, because that’s true.” His large hands tenderly cupped my face.
He took a deep breath and swallowed. “For every part of you that I’ve completed, you’ve filled some void in me, and the only way to keep it full is to keep loving you. Do you understand?”
I nodded slowly, knowing I understood that better than I’d ever understood most anything else. “So where does that leave us?” I asked.
He smiled and kissed my nose. “Together.”
I wrapped my arms around his chest and closed my eyes. “But there will come a time when you’ll have to let me go. You have to promise me that when I go to that hospital, you won’t stay there. You’ll be here with the ocean.”
His hands tigh
tened on my back. “God, you don’t ask much, do you? I want to be with you, Kelly.”
I placed my hand at his throat, stroking his skin. “This isn’t something you can do for me. When I go into the hospital, Gary will have to be there to process the insurance paperwork. Gary will have to be there.”
“He doesn’t love you,” he said. Beneath his skin I could feel his vocal cords vibrate when he spoke. “It doesn’t matter that he’s been married to you for years. I know every inch of you as well as I know my own body. I’ve watched the moonlight bathe your skin and your blue eyes suddenly turn green to match the shirt you wore.” His fingers traveled the length of my spine gently.
“This isn’t about love.” My fingers moved downward to where his shirt was buttoned. “It’s about understanding what you leave behind is just as important as what you go toward. You’re always going to have my heart, Tyler, and it’s always going to love you. But I don’t want you to you see me die.”
He clutched me tightly to him, as if answering that he could never leave. Both of us fell silent, and I knew better than to ask Tyler to promise he’d let me go, just as he knew better than to try to change my mind. Once again, we’d reached an impasse, but I didn’t care. I was still alive, and I still had time with him. I would not mention Gary again, I promised myself.
“Let’s go for a walk, Kelly,” Tyler said, patting my back.
“Okay,” I replied, standing and taking his hand. I lifted it and put mine against his.
“What are you looking at?” he asked, peering at our hands.
Against his palm, mine appeared dwarfed. Maybe that was why when I entwined my fingers with his I felt stronger. Before now I’d never once realized I had borrowed his strength or that in the deepest moments of our pain I’d perhaps given him some of my weakness. Each day, it seemed we shared more until our lives could not be separated, only our bodies.
We headed down the stairs and onto the beach just as the sun sank half-way to the horizon. Larkin dogged our steps and barked at us.
Tyler bent and scratched his head. “Hey, mutt.”
I pointed a warning finger at him. “I’m not going swimming today. Don’t even think about it.”
Tyler laughed. “What’s that all about?”
Larkin cocked his head guiltily and slunk away from the two of us. “A little understanding between us,” I said, walking toward the shore. Tyler stood back and picked up a shell. He tossed it into the water right next to where I stood. I turned back and arched my eyebrows at him.
“I guess this is a little ‘understanding’ meant for me, huh?”
“You got it.” I lifted my leg and kicked water toward the ocean. “What’s your middle name, Tyler?”
“Tyler.”
I thrust my hands to my hips and snorted. “Okay. What’s your first name?”
“Samuel.” He grinned at me as he held another shell and threatened to throw it at me. A slight breeze rippled his hair and the white button-down shirt he wore.
“That’s it,” I said, charging toward him.
He raised his hands and said, “Don’t hurt me!”
I threw myself at him and knocked us both to the sand. Tyler landed on bottom and said, “umph!” as the air was knocked out of him. A few gasping breaths later, he was finally able to ask, “What was that for?” He lifted his head from the sand and peered at me. “Why did you attack me?”
I climbed on top of his stomach and sat. “Your mother did not name you Samuel Adams!” I crossed my arms over my chest.
He threw his head back against the sand and laughed loudly.
“You think that’s funny?” I said, moving my hands over his sides, tickling him. “I’ll show you funny.”
He caught my arms and quickly rolled over, pinning me beneath his weight. Although he managed to hold me captive, he was still laughing and gasping for breath. “What is so funny?” I demanded.
A moment later his laughter subsided, and he said, “My mother did too name me Samuel Adams. Why on earth do you think I go by my middle name?”
I shook my head. His hands held my wrists against the sand so I couldn’t move, but I did struggle against him, trying to free myself, working on ignoring his laughter. He leaned over and kissed my neck, then my ear. Damned if I could ignore that. “You’re fibbing to me.”
“No, actually I’m kissing you.” On that point I couldn’t argue, and I quickly stopped trying to get away.
A moment later, Tyler sat up and reached into his back pocket. “What are you doing?” I asked.
“You’ll see.” He held his wallet in his hand and opened it, pulling out his driver’s license, which he offered to me. “Look for yourself.”
I accepted it and peered first at the picture. “What an ugly mug,” I said, feigning complete revulsion.
“Not that! Look at the name.” He pointed at one of the typed lines. ADAMS, SAMUEL T.
I handed it back to him, shaking my head. “What was wrong with your mother?”
He shrugged and stashed it back into his wallet, then replaced it in his back pocket before climbing off me. “My mother is...my mother. I can’t explain it.” He stood and offered his hand to help me up. I accepted it, and he pulled me next to him. Once I was standing, he circled me and brushed the sand from my clothes.
“Thanks,” I said.
He slid his arm around me, and we started walking the beach. “Okay, you haven’t confessed. What’s your middle name?”
“Samantha.” I rolled my eyes in disgust as I responded.
He bent and whispered, “You sure look good, Sam.” Although I tried to pull away from him, he kept a tight hold on me. “Oh, no you don’t. I’m not being attacked again.”
“Don’t call me Sam, Sam!” I said, indignantly as I looked toward the horizon. A soft orange glow had settled across the sky, and the water reflected the beauty of it. I stopped and watched as the sun slowly sank, aware of two wonderful things: I had never been happier, and Tyler was with me.
Chapter Fourteen
As August ended, summer began to slip away, yet, each day, the battle left a bloodied sky overhead from the seasonal war. I could feel the air change as I sat outside on a rock just outside of the tide’s reach. Although it was still officially summer, the air was carrying a slight chill, and the short-sleeved shirt I wore didn’t block the breeze that rippled over my skin.
The headaches were coming daily, and I spent lots of time sleeping—or trying to. Sometimes, when I still had energy, I painted, but my hands trembled so badly I couldn’t do much with the pictures. Tyler often made up stories to go with the paintings. He knew what I had painted, but no one else probably would have recognized the images. I wondered if he knew because we were so closely joined in a communion of souls or if he just saw what I’d hoped he would see.
At one time the loss of my painting skills would have been devastating. Now I just pretended that my mind was a blank canvas and each image I saw, I stroked on it. No one else would see these pictures I kept inside. No one else needed them as much.
A handful of gulls landed close by. One lifted its head and peered at me before resuming its inspection of a candy wrapper half-buried in the sand. Larkin raced down the beach, charging directly at the birds. As the dog came close, the gulls flapped their wings and took off. Larkin pranced around proudly before swaggering over to me and laying his head on my leg.
“You enjoyed that, didn’t you?” I asked, stroking his head.
Larkin grunted and walked away, wagging his tail happily. I rolled my shoulders and looked up at the half moon hanging in the sky.
“How’s my favorite lady?” Tyler asked. He slid his bomber jacket around my shoulders and gently tugged my braid from under the coat before he sat on my rock right beside me.
“Thanks,” I said, kissing his cheek. “I was feeling a little chilly.”
He rested his chin on my shoulder. “Yeah, yeah. And you never take a coat or sweater.” He wrapped his arms around my waist. “N
ot that you really need one. I can keep you plenty warm.”
I closed my eyes, feeling tired as a headache started.
Tyler’s arms tightened around me as he sensed the pain. He stood and picked me up, cradling my body against his chest. “Are you due for another pill, Kelly?”
I kept my eyes shut as the world around me started spinning. “What time is it?” I felt like I was on a spinning ride that had lost control.
“Seven.” His strides slowed slightly as he ascended the steps.
“Yeah.” I finally managed, clutching at his shirt. “God, I’m dizzy. I feel like I’m on a ride that won’t stop.” My stomach rolled unevenly, and I knew I was going to vomit. “Put me down, Tyler,” I said weekly. “Please put me down.”
Tyler knelt and helped me to my knees. His hands supported me until I’d finally stopped. He pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket and gingerly wiped my mouth. Frustrated, I tried to push his hands away. “I’m not an invalid.” I opened my eyes, and despite the dizziness, scampered to the wall of his house where I leaned, trying to make sense of the pain filling me. “I hate this,” I said, drawing my knees to my chest.
Tyler sat next to me and set his hand on my knee. “I know you’re not an invalid, Kelly.” He handed me the handkerchief and pointed at my right cheek. “There’s a spot I couldn’t get.”
I blotted it against my face, and as soon as the fabric touched my skin, I started to cry. “Why do you put up with me like this? Why don’t you just find somebody who isn’t dying?”
“I don’t want somebody else.” Tyler leaned over and kissed away my tears. “I’ll put up with you any way I can get you.” He slipped his arms underneath me and picked me up again. “Besides, I like it when you get angry.”
I closed my eyes as the pounding sensation in my brain worsened. “Why?” I managed in a breathy voice. I stiffened my body, trying to fight it, but it wrapped around me and zapped all my fighting energy.