"I don't mind you being there."
"Zo, it'll be okay. I'll be okay. I just need a little time on my own. That's all."
She smiled thinly.
"I have to get out of LA first," I groaned, thinking about the crazy traffic.
"You know, I'm kinda terrified about driving on the opposite side of the road. I'm making Will drive."
"And the opposite side of the car," I added.
"Weird, right?"
"It's different."
"You'll be okay, though?"
"I'll call you every few days so you know I'm not dead in a ditch somewhere."
She slapped me on the arm, making my skin smart. "Promise?"
"Cross my heart."
"Hope to die."
"Pins and needs in my eye."
"Eat a horse…"
"Manure pie," I declared, ending off the childish rhyme.
"How old are you?" she laughed.
"Old enough to know better and young enough to keep doing it."
"Don't go Thelma and Louise on me."
"In your dreams, Hot Legs."
"Now, that would be a dream..." she said suggestively.
"You're not picturing me and Will tearing up the highway and terrorizing truckers are you?"
"You bet your sweet cheeks I am."
"Zoe," I groaned.
"I'm gunna miss you, Dee Dee." She threw her arms around my neck, burying her face in my shoulder.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and breathed in her familiar scent. Kissing her hair I said, "I'm gunna miss you, too." Like she wouldn't believe.
Her tattoo was of honeysuckle and butterflies. I never asked if it meant anything.
I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and wondered what I'd been wondering the past two days. What was so wrong with me? Maybe that's what I was meant to find out. These quarter life crisis' and epic road trips were all about that crap, right? Finding yourself amongst the pile of shit that the universe molded you into.
The world wanted me to be a foul mouthed, bad boy rock star who slept with a different girl every night. The idea didn't seem feasible. Not for the things I wanted and definitely not after the night I'd spent with Jessie. That would be seared into my mind and body for the rest of my life.
Dumping my stuff into my bag, I cleared out the rest of the hotel room, cramming clothes into my oversized duffle bag. It was time to get outta Dodge and start looking forward. At least that's what I was trying to convince myself.
Movies, books... stories about love and happiness, they teach you if you suffer enough, then it'll all work out in the end. But, I'd never known suffering. I wasn't sure how much was too much. And besides, it wasn't going to end happily for me. Not with Jessie. I needed to find my happy place again. I'd strayed from the path and got lost in the woods.
Step one. Check out of the Heartbreak Hotel. Step two. Find the nearest rental joint and blow this popcorn stand to smithereens.
Downstairs, the woman at the counter checked me out and directed me two blocks down to a rental company that the concierge recommended. Slinging my heavy bag on my back, I pushed through the front doors out into the sunshine, determined to get gone.
The rental office was empty save for a woman behind the desk when I walked in. Dumping my bag in the corner and sitting my guitar case against the wall, she eyed me with interest. I knew that look, it was one that I got often and usually played up to, but not today. There was no way that was going anywhere and I wasn't interested in meaningless.
"How can I help you?" she smiled brightly, flipping her obviously unnatural red hair over her shoulder.
"I wanna rent a car."
"Certainly. Any preference?" She gestured towards my stuff.
"Something with a large boot so I can put my guitar back there."
She cocked her head, confused. "Boot?"
"Trunk, I mean trunk." If it wasn't already enough that I'd had to explain every word that came out of my mouth, I'd probably have to forget everything I ever knew about driving if I was as going to get out of LA alive and without an excess charge on my card.
"Sure, we have a compact four wheel drive..."
"Sure."
"How long do you need..."
"A month." I guess if I needed more then I could just rent another.
"Where will you be returning the vehicle?"
Shit. Didn't know that either. Some great plan this was.
The clerk preempted my answer. "That's fine. I can just put it in as our office here in LA and if you need to alter it, just give us a call." She smiled at me in a way that was more than customer friendly.
"Sure. Whatever." As long as the end of this conversation ended with car keys in my hand, I didn't care.
The longer I stood there and the longer this obviously nice woman tried to hit on me, the more my heart sunk into the hole that Zoe had tried so hard to pull me out of.
The woman took my drivers license and tapped a few things into her computer and I was signing on the dotted line.
I looked at the set of keys in my hand and hardly listened as she rattled off a list which I assumed was the terms and conditions. Damage and liability. Living life was a liability, but they didn't charge your credit card the excess for that.
"Sir?" The clerk was waving a piece of paper under my nose.
"Thanks," I took the paperwork and it wasn't until I was out the door and into the parking garage that I realized she'd written her phone number across the top. Estelle. The goes the world and it's preconceived notions again.
An image of Jessie flashed in my mind and I could almost feel her lips on mine. Cursing, I shook my head and stormed up the line of parked cars, pressing the button on the fob. Orange lights flashed a few spaces up and I opened the boot, stashing my stuff.
I'd thought about which way to go, of course I had. The obvious choice would be to go to Las Vegas, but that's where Will and Zoe had gone. Following them wouldn't be a good idea. I could go to Flagstaff, then to the Grand Canyon on the less touristy side. I didn't want bright lights. I wanted stars and silence for a change.
Out of habit, I went for the right hand side of the car, but circled around to the left with a curse. This was going to be fun. Capital fucking F.
It was two days later that I pulled into a quiet lookout on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Just me, the wind, the sky and the plummeting depths. I'd lost count how many times I'd turned on windscreen wipers instead of the indicator and went to get in the right hand side. I hesitated at every left hand turn and weird ass traffic light and had been honked at more times than I knew was possible.
Out of the city and into the wilderness, I'd had the freedom to work it out. The driving, I mean. Everything else was still royally screwed up. It was just me, the road and the silence I filled with blaring whatever random song came up on my iPod. I really wasn't doing anything to get over Jessie. I was just filling the void with distractions because if I didn't think about her, eventually she'd be forgotten. Except every time I closed my eyes, I'd see her face. Her perfect brown eyes, her perfect lips and the problem was I still wanted her.
I'd driven down the coast a little towards San Diego, before circling back the next day to hit the city of Flagstaff, AZ. Beaches didn't do it for me anymore. I had plenty of daylight hours left to drive up to Grand Canyon Village and check out some of the viewing points. No one seemed to park at the stop I'd chosen, probably opting for whatever was back at the Village or further ahead. The sun was starting to dip, casting long shadows along the rock.
Kicking open the car door, I walked over to the barrier and looked over the edge of the cliff that plummeted down and down into nothing but jagged rock. I should be amazed, right? My breath should be taken away by the sight of one of the natural wonders of the world, but I felt nothing. It was great and amazing and all of that, but there was no one there to share it with. The sky stretched above me, open and empty and the canyon stretched below me, a void of space and rock etched with million
s of years of natural history. Open and empty was exactly the way I felt right now and I had no idea how to deal with it.
I'd just started on this mindless trip to nowheresville. Zoe said I'd just have to give it time. I was determined to give it time before I flung myself over the cliff.
Gravel crunching underfoot, I slunk back to the car and sat on the bonnet, looking out over the canyon as the sun sunk even further. Taking out my phone, I was surprised to see I had a signal. I had no idea where they were, but I dialed Zoe's number and hoped she'd pick up. I needed to hear a voice and hers was the only one I wanted. We'd hardly gone a day without speaking to each other at least once. She was my anchor.
She picked up after three rings. "Dee?"
"Hey." I'm sure I sounded as deflated as I felt.
"How are you?" she asked and I could instantly hear the concern in her voice.
"Fine."
"Really?"
I let out a sharp sigh.
"What have you been doing?"
"I've been seeing the ass crack of America," I said wryly.
"Dee."
"Zoe."
"Where you at?"
"I'm driving cross country. I'm at the Grand Canyon."
"What part?"
"I dunno. Arizona? Utah? Arizona, I think."
"Are you lost?"
"No," I said, squinting against the sun. "I just don't have a destination yet."
There was silence for a moment and I wondered if I'd gotten away with it. Her not asking anymore questions about my unstable state of mind. "What aren't you telling me?"
I sighed dramatically, shifting on the bonnet. "Can't get nothing past you, Hot Legs."
"Shit no," she said. "What did she do?"
It annoyed the shit outta me, how Zoe knew everything I was thinking before I did. "She…"
"You can tell me. Just you and me."
"Everything she said, it just got worse. I-" I ran a hand over my face. "I felt it. It was real to me."
"You fell for her? Like…"
"Don't say it, Zo."
"Okay, I won't. What did she do, Dee?"
"We slept together and she left me in the middle of the night."
"Shit." I hoped realization was dawning, because I didn't have it in me to explain anymore.
"It's done. It's over."
"The label?"
"I'm not going to get her fired, Zoe," I huffed. "It was as much my fault as hers."
"Dee, it wasn't your fault. She ditched you."
"Yeah, but I pushed her emotionally. I may as well have gotten down on my knees and declared my love for her."
"You love her?"
"Fucking hell, Zoe," I sighed. "How could I love her? How? In the real world there's no such thing as love at first sight. Lust, yeah, but not love."
"But she got to you?"
"Obviously."
"Why didn't you tell me the other day?"
"Because I'm the one who looks after you. Not the other way around."
"Dee, I told you that I'd do anything for you. No questions."
"I know. It's just… I don't need to be saved."
"It's not about saving you," she said thinly. "It's about being there to support you."
I let out a long shaky sigh, not knowing what to say. What could I say?
"What do you want me to do? What do you want?"
"I don't know, Zo. I don't know what to do."
"Is being alone the best thing right now?"
"I'm not going home."
"I didn't mean…"
"I love you and the guys and I love the band. I always will. It's everything else... I just want more. Is it wrong to want more?"
"No, it's not. You more than anyone I know, deserves everything good in the world. You saved my life, Dee."
I felt tears welling inside me and was glad I was alone on the side of a highway in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere where no one was around to see me.
"I was so sure, Zo. I've never been so sure of anything in my whole entire life."
"I know. I saw."
"How could I be so fucking wrong?"
"If you're asking me and not the universe, I think she's the one who was wrong. Who'd do that to you? You're amazing."
"I don't know who I am anymore." It was out my mouth before I really understood what it meant.
"Dee?" she asked. "What do you mean?"
"I won't stuff the band up, Zo. Never. I just..." I let out a long sigh. "I just need this time before I come home, okay?"
She let it drop almost immediately and I was relieved beyond belief. "Where are you exactly? Like right now?"
"I'm sitting on the bonnet of my rental car looking out over the Grand Canyon. I'm the only one here."
"Dee, that's amazing. Think of the amazing thing you're seeing right now."
"If Dee was at the Grand Canyon and no one was around to see it, was he really at the Grand Canyon?" The silence stretched on into infinity and even I knew I was beating my head against a wall. I had to want to get over Jessie, not wallow in the thing I couldn't have with her.
"I don't know what to say to make it better, Dee."
"Time," I sighed. "You already told me."
"You don't have to tell me," she said, her voice so quiet on the other end of the line, I almost missed it. "I get it."
I didn't want to talk about it anymore. This whole conversation was beginning to go around and around like a perverted merry-go-round. "I'll call you in a couple of days, okay?"
"Okay. Love you."
"Love you."
I'd like to say that things were okay. I'd like to say that I wasn't feeling guilty for what I'd done. Anything I could have said would have been an excuse.
I'd looked down at Dee while he was asleep and realized I couldn't do it to him. He was genuinely good. Once he figured out I was less than nice, the crap I was hiding from, he'd ditch me first chance he got. So to save everyone, I cut out the middle man and left. I was afraid of the feelings he'd stirred up in me and I was afraid of hurting him. Walking away seemed to be the best option for both of us. He wouldn't have, so I had to.
I kept telling myself I had to be cruel to be kind, but that was just fucked up. If I thought doing something like running out on the sweetest guy ever in the middle of the night after sleeping with him, was the way to go… then I didn't deserve him. Problem was, I didn't deserve him in the first place.
I had to forget about Dee Cosgrove and Dee Cosgrove had to forget about me. It was as simple as that.
Sitting on the floor in the back room of Couch, the cafe slash bar where I worked, doing inventory wasn't helping my state of mind all that much. I started counting the back stock of coffee beans for the fifth time. One, two, eight, five, seven. Shit.
"Jessie," Ed called out into the silent room, making me jump. Ed was my boss and the sweetest thing. Flirted with me non-stop, but he was one hundred percent gay and one hundred percent sweetheart.
Looking up I saw his head sticking through the door, his glasses askew. "Yeah?"
"There's some woman out front asking for you."
I frowned, wondering who it could be. I didn't really have any friends outside of work. "Okay, I'll be a second."
Ed nodded and the door closed behind him. Dusting off my jeans, I wandered out front. That's when my eyes collided with Zoe Granger's.
Instantly, my blood ran cold and I felt like running the opposite direction. Why was she here? Why I even asked myself the question was pointless. There was only one reason and it was the one I left sleeping in my hotel room back in LA.
Taking a deep breath, I stopped in front of her on the opposite side of the counter, hoping that it would serve as some kind of buffer if she decided to throttle me.
"How did you find me?" I asked quietly. She leaned against the counter, looking tough with all her tattoos and wild hair and I felt like a mouse compared to her.
"I threatened Georgie with a sexual harassment suit."
I snorted.
/> "You know why I'm here, Jessie."
I nodded, trying to stop myself from checking for an escape route.
"I think it'd be best if we had a seat, yes?" She gestured behind her where the cafe was still fairly empty. Mid-afternoon and all.
I looked up at Ed, who nodded. "Take your break now if you want." He gave me a look that said 'are you okay?' and I nodded.
"Thanks." I rounded the counter and followed Zoe to a seat in the middle of the room stuffed with mis-matched couches. Whatever she had to say to me, I'd have to endure and I wasn't looking forward to it. I noticed her boyfriend sitting by the front window, a coffee on the table front of him. Truthfully, I was scared of Zoe. She and Dee had this thing that was… I had no words to describe it. She'd fight to the death to protect him and he'd probably do the same. Who was I to compete with that?
She eyed me across the table, taking in my shaking hands and I shoved them under my legs. "Why'd you do it?"
I stiffened. That was the million dollar question wasn't it? Why'd I keep fucking up everything? The only thing I had was the story I kept telling myself over and over. The one that oozed integrity, because I didn't really have any of that. I was a walking lie.
"When I started interning, I vowed not to be like Georgie. I promised myself that I'd never mix with the bands like that. I wanted to keep my relationships strictly professional. I overstepped the line."
"Bullshit," Zoe cursed, making me jump. "Sometimes you have to break your own rules to get your happy ending."
"I can't. I've screwed things up anyway."
"Yes, you have. But why do you think I'm here?"
I shook my head. "Why are you here? I assume you want to beat my ass and quite frankly, I don't blame you."
Zoe laughed, sitting back in her chair. "I'm not gunna beat you up, Jessie. I'm Dee's best friend. I know him like the back of my own hand. He'd do anything for me and I'd do anything for him. He has feelings for you and by the look on your face, I think you have feelings for him too."
"I can't," I began, looking around the cafe, anywhere but into Zoe's eyes. "It's too late. He wouldn't-"
"I wouldn't be here if I didn't think you'd have a chance of getting him back."
"It's not that simple, Zoe. I can't leave." Another excuse.