I'm sorry.
Clenching my jaw, I screwed up the note and threw it at the opposite wall with a cry of agony. I buried my face in my hands and drew in heaving breaths. She left me. She fucking left me in the middle of the night like some cheap piece of crap.
I suddenly felt like a fool for saying all that shit to her. Everything I'd felt the night before was ruined. I'd had a broken heart before, but it had never been smashed. Smashed was the wrong word. Obliterated was more like it.
Jessie Ware obliterated me.
The sheets smelt like her perfume. They reeked with what we'd done last night and I felt sick. I could have chucked up right then, but I went into the bathroom and turned the water on in the shower as far as it went and stood underneath the scalding water, washing her off me. I was a guy, I didn't cry. But, I felt the sting in my eyes and was glad the water took the tears away before I had to acknowledge them.
What the hell was so wrong with me?
Eventually, I got out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist and went back out into the empty room. Her room. All her stuff was gone and it was almost eleven. Housekeeping would be here soon, so I had to get out. Dragging on my clothes, I picked up my phone and wallet and stepped into my boots, not stopping to do up the laces, not that I did anyway.
I pulled open the door and thumped out into the hall and jabbed the button for the elevator so hard it was a wonder it didn't break. As the doors opened and I stood inside the car, I felt numb. I knew about rejection, but this was a whole new level of fucked up. Where had it gone so wrong?
I'd tried it Zoe's way and it had just imploded. I was myself and even then Jessie didn't want me.
What the fuck was I even good for?
Staring blankly seemed to be the thing to do in these kind of situations.
I'd known disappointment. Hell, I'd been dumped before. None of that had anything on the number Jessie had done on me. It was like she'd plunged her hand into my chest and ripped my heart out. It was brutal. How could anyone see that coming? I mean, things had been going well, hadn't they?
Looking back, there probably were little indicators. The way she walked away from me that first night at the club, the way she brushed me off before the gig… shit, even the way she'd gone all quiet after I told her in my own deranged way that I'd had feelings for her. That should have been a giant red warning flag right there, but I had to go and kiss her and… I couldn't even think about the rest.
So, this was what a broken heart felt like. Now I knew what all the fuss was about.
Looking at my beat up acoustic guitar, I couldn't even bring myself to pick it up. Music. Life. It all seemed hopeless today. The band was officially on holiday for the first time since we'd started over two years ago and I didn't know what to do with myself. Truthfully, I didn't know what a holiday was. I'd never been on one in my entire adult life. Zoe and Will were leaving the day after tomorrow and then I was on my own. I was such a mess I didn't know if that was a good idea. Maybe I should just go home with my tail between my legs.
I couldn't stay alone in my room all day, so I wandered the streets, doing some touristy stuff, looked at some guitars, brought some boots, brought some new jeans because I didn't have any clean ones left, sat in a seedy bar for a few hours... anything to keep my mind off my aching heart. Maybe some scotch would dull the memory of her.
I hadn't seen Zoe since before 'the incident' so when she finally found me in the hotel bar, it wasn't good. I sat on a leather couch in a dark corner, earphones stuck in my ears, trying to block out the world. The iPod randomly blared anything that wouldn't make me think about her. A couple of drinks in front of me rounded out the pathetic picture.
Zoe sat next to me on the couch, eyeing the glass of scotch I'd just started and it's empty friend. I knew exactly what she wanted to say and I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to be babied. She eyed me for a second more, then yanked the earphones out of my ears.
"Hey," I exclaimed.
"Nice boots Dee Dee," she said.
"Thanks. They're new." I rolled my eyes, bunching up the headphones and shoving them into my jacket pocket.
"I know you buy boots when you're pissed off about something."
"The dude at the store said they're called engineer boots," I said. "Like I'm a fuckin' train driver or some shit."
"Stop changing the subject."
"I didn't. We're talking about boots, aren't we?"
"What happened?"
"What happened when?"
"Dee."
"Zoe."
"Are you drunk?" she exclaimed, slapping me on the shoulder.
"A little."
"Dee."
I shrugged. "Wouldn't hurt."
"Stop it."
"Where's Will?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"He's at the bar."
I looked over and saw him sitting on a stool, one eye on us and the other pretending indifference.
"What did she do?"
"What did who do?"
"Jessie. I assume she did something."
"Didn't work out." The last thing I wanted to talk about was my spectacular used and abused evening.
"Really?"
"Why so surprised, Hot Legs? Wouldn't have worked out anyway."
"Why not?"
"Can you teleport?" She narrowed her eyes. "Neither can I."
"Dee, what's going on?"
"How was Disneyland? Throttle any kids?"
"It was fine. By the looks of you, you should have come with."
I sighed sharply, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I can't deal with your questions today, Zo. Please."
"She really did a number on you, didn't she?" she asked, sinking down into the couch next to me.
"Zoe."
"Okay, okay, but getting drunk is only going to give you a hangover. It won't fix anything."
"Then what does?" I whispered, staring across the bar.
"Time."
Snorting, I picked up my glass of scotch and downed the rest.
"Tomorrow, you're coming out with us," Zoe declared and I suppressed a groan. When did she become me? Wasn't this my role in our relationship?
"Is that so?"
"Dee, I don't ever remember you looking so beat. If anything, it's time for me to repay you."
"You don't owe me anything," I said sullenly.
"I owe you everything." She said it so quietly, I almost missed it in my self-centered depression. The band had saved her life in so many ways. It had brought Zoe back to life and delivered her her happy ending. It had delivered all of us to something better in a way. If it wasn't for me, who knew what we'd be doing now. I'd been the one that pressured everyone into joining in the beginning.
"I didn't do it so you could repay me."
She placed her hand on my leg and squeezed. "I know. But let me help. I want to be able to do the same for you for exactly the same reasons."
I stared into her familiar brown eyes and despite myself, my lips curved into a slight smile. I'd known Zoe thirteen years and we'd been through some heavy shit in our time. I'd believe anything she had to say. Anything.
"Okay," I said. "Tomorrow."
She planted a kiss on my cheek. "Then no more wallowing in a glass of scotch. Let's go get something to eat. You, me and Will."
I glanced up at Will who was still sitting at the bar. I would have preferred just me and Zo, but he was a part of our little unit now for as long as Zoe was in love with him, which would probably be forever.
"Just gimme a minute."
"Sure," she said. "We'll wait for you in the foyer."
As she walked away across the bar, I took my phone out of my pocket and brought up the contacts. Zoe was right in so many ways. Wallowing would only break me further, except it was hard to get out of the hole that I'd already dug myself into. The whole thing had that kind of effect on me, the one where it'd smacked me around and left me dazed. She wasn't coming back. Why the fuck would she?
&n
bsp; Step one in getting over Jessie Ware was deleting all traces of her out of my life. I looked at her number in my phone and with a sigh, pressed delete.
The next day, the only piece of information Zoe would give me was 'bring your guitar'. Whatever that meant.
I only had the beat up guitar we messed around with while on tour. All our other gear had been sent back to Australia a couple of days ago. So, I stood in the hotel foyer with it slung over my back waiting for her and Will to show, like the rough as guts bloke I was. If the concierge hadn't seen us loitering around for the past three months, then he'd probably toss me out.
"Hey." I turned at the sound of Zoe's voice and smiled as she approached with Will.
"Hey mate," he said. "Ready to go?"
"Raring. Where we going?"
"Guerrilla busking," Zoe said with an evil smirk.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, cocking my head to the side. Sounded like some kind of terrorist plot.
"Busking without permission," Will said, wiggling his eyebrows. "The more risky the better."
Zoe elbowed him with a laugh. "We're going to play some of our new stuff and Will's gunna film it. Simone reckons it's a great idea. We'll stick it on our YouTube channel."
"Don't you need some kind of permit to busk here?"
"Probably," she shrugged, giving me a wicked smile.
"Are you trying to get me arrested? How's that productive?"
"The only cops we're gunna have to tangle with are the wannabe ones."
That could only mean we were going to a shopping center or someplace like it. Maybe the boardwalk. "Security guards like to crack skulls, Zo."
"And if they try anything, I hope you remember how to run."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because even though life has kicked you in the gut, you need to be reminded of all the good things that are still in it. Like music, friends, the thrill of spontaneity... Me."
"Hey," Will said, pinching her on the ass.
Letting out a squeal, she turned about, almost knocking me out with her guitar that was slung over her back and laid a kiss on her boyfriend. I suddenly felt like a third wheel.
"Let's go before I decide run the other direction," I said sharply and began to walk towards the revolving doors. Zoe ran up behind me and threaded an arm through mine, our guitars smashing together. "You're paying bail if I get locked up," I said, wincing as an off tune note thrummed out into the marble foyer.
"You're on."
It wasn't long until we were walking down Rodeo Drive with all its designer stores, wannabe celebrities and heaving hoards of tourists. Almost every store had a security guard positioned at the door. You know, those big beefy guys with the sunnies and crew cuts looking like they're a Secret Service wannabe. Cracking skulls. Yeah, not such a fan.
We positioned ourselves out the front of a designer boutique, bags and purses and shoes of all kinds in the window. All sparkly and expensive looking. There was a lot of foot traffic, most of it going in and out the store. I reckon we'd be annoying more than anything, not exactly LAPD fodder, more like Mall Cop candy. Will backed up across the footpath with his video camera and gave us the thumbs up.
"Red Heart?" Zoe asked with a wink.
"Let's do it."
The moment Zoe and I began playing it all came flooding back. The passion, the uninhibited feeling of being lost in this thing we'd created. In my wallowing, I'd let my grip slip on the one thing that kept me afloat all these years. Music was my soul. Fuck that other shit.
We almost got to the end by the time the security guard wised up and saw us standing out the front of their perfect window display. A crowd of people had gathered and were blocking the entrances, making it hard to people to get in and out.
"Hey," he yelled at us and instantly our audience started to disperse. Five thousand dollar handbags must be serious business in these parts.
Both Zoe and I stopped playing at the same time, our fingers sliding over the strings. She looked at me, then I looked at the security guard who was storming towards us, hands on a walkie talkie.
"Ready?" she whispered in my ear.
I grabbed her hand and bolted the opposite direction, scattering people in our wake. A grin began splitting my face as we darted through the scores of pedestrians as the security guard chased us. I don't know why he bothered, maybe he wanted to look like a tough guy. Bumping shoulders and shouting apologies, we darted across the street and when we realized we weren't being followed anymore, Zoe pulled me into an alley off the main drag.
Laughing, I let go of her hand and leant back against the wall. Not exactly the episode of COPS they had planted in my brain, but as close as I wanted to get.
Zoe stooped forward with her hand on her knees. "I think he chased us for like, a block and a half before he gave up."
"I didn't think he'd last that long."
"It's like four hundred meters," she rolled her eyes.
"I didn't think he'd get past one."
"Wasn't exactly living on the edge, more like making a nuisance of ourselves, but it did the trick."
"What's the trick?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
She tapped her temple and smiled.
A few minutes later, Will appeared around the corner. "Guys, that was gold."
"Got some good stuff?"
"This shit's gunna go viral." He gave the camera to Zoe and she turned her back, watching the footage with a stupid grin on her face.
"Can I say something?" Will asked, eyeing Zoe.
"Sure." My thoughts were still plastered on our stupid little stunt or otherwise I would've told him to drop it.
"Anyone with eyes in their head can see how messed up you are about this Jessie thing."
I narrowed my eyes. In a way, I kinda expected him to say something about that, but right at that moment? Hell, no.
"Mate, all I'm saying is that if you want her that much, more than just a one time thing, then you should do something about it."
He had no idea what she'd done. Of course he didn't. I'd said absolutely zilch about it. "I can't."
"Perseverance and balls," he said, looking back at Zoe. "If she's who you want, then that's what it takes."
I didn't want someone who didn't want me. Simple. You didn't run off on someone you wanted in the middle of the night. "Will, I appreciate the advice and all, but it's not going to work out. I'm not going after her." I couldn't, more like it. That kinda shit hurt a man's pride.
He grimaced and clapped me on the shoulder. "If you say so."
"I know so."
"Honey pie, sweet cheeks," Zoe chortled, coming back towards us. "You amaze me every day."
"Nothin' sweet about these cheeks," Will said, taking the camera off her.
"Wanna go again?" Zoe asked me, shoving her hand in the back pocket of Will's jeans.
"Once is enough," I said. "I haven't run that far since year ten PE."
"Okay, but I'm hungry," Will grumbled, nodding back towards the street.
"Burgers?" Zoe poked me in the gut.
"Sure."
As Will wandered off in front of us, she slipped an arm through mine. "It was more than like for you wasn't it?" she murmured in my ear.
I grinded my teeth together. She'd obviously been doing a lot of thinking about it and I didn't know if that was a good thing.
"I saw the way you looked at her."
My blood started to boil. Why wouldn't she just leave it alone?
"If you want her..."
"Zoe," I snapped, running both my hand over my face. She flinched, stepping away from me and I instantly felt like shit. "I'm sorry, I... I don't want to talk about it. It's over. It's so over." Obliterated, smashed, broken, scarred, humiliated. I was all of those things right now.
"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" she asked, reaching out for my hand.
"No," I shook my head, sinking back. "I just need some alone time." The notion was so out of character for me, she gave me 'th
e look'. I wasn't fooling anyone.
"Okay." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me on the cheek. "But first, burgers."
"Big fucking greasy burgers."
The one thing I didn't want to do was say goodbye to Zoe. In the whole time I'd known her, we'd probably spent one or two days away from each other at a time. I was twenty five years old. I had to grow up a little. I was capable of looking after myself… wasn't I?
I stood on the footpath across the street from the hotel helping Will load their rental car with their luggage. They didn't really have much, a suitcase each and Zoe's guitar because like me, she couldn't go anywhere without it.
"Thanks, Dee," Will said, closing the boot. He grinned when he saw Zoe sidle up to me and without another word, he got into the car to give us a minute. It took him a while to get the thing we had, but I'd never ever come between them. He was the best thing to happen to her in a very long time.
I reached up and tucked Zoe's wild hair behind her ear. "Gunna miss you, Hot Legs."
"Have you decided what you're gunna do?" she asked, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
I'd thought about it the night before. They were going on their own road trip, maybe I should do my own version. The kind where I just started driving with no destination in mind. You know, see where the asphalt took me. "I'm going for a long drive into the sunset."
"A road trip?" she exclaimed.
"Why not?"
"On your own? Is that a good idea. Isn't there billions of crazy people out in backwater America?"
"I'll be fine, Zo. I'm not going to let anyone do a Deliverance on me. I seriously doubt I'll be going anywhere off a main highway."
She bit her lip, a frown creasing her forehead. "I worry about you, you know."
"I know you do."
"Are you sure you don't want to come with us for a few days?"
"I'm sure, Zo. This is your time with Will. Hell, you've been looking forward to this for ages. I'm not gunna rain on your parade."