"Wait, what did you just say?" Taylor's eyes were huge. "You had to write a will?"
Debra nodded. "Every living donor has to know there is a risk that they might not wake up from the surgery. It's a tiny risk, of course, but you can't ignore it."
"Taylor," Justin said, "the risks of surgery are the last thing I'm afraid of."
Debra looked between the two of them, obviously taking stock of the situation. "Half the time, when people come to see me and hear my story, it's the potential donors who are unsure about taking this step. But the other half of the time, it's the people who need the transplant who are deeply conflicted." She looked at Taylor. "I take it you're having misgivings about allowing Justin to donate his kidney to you?"
"When I was first diagnosed," Taylor said, "and I started to read through the material my doctors gave me about living donors, it made me so queasy to think about anyone making that sacrifice for me that I never actually got all the way through it." Her face was pale as she added in a hollow voice, "I had no idea about the will."
"I'm not going to lie to you," Debra said. "It can be tough for both parties. My parents were..." She paused to search for the right word. "Let's just say they weren't exactly pleased with my decision. My mother must have found every horror story out there, every transplant that had ever gone wrong. On the plus side," she added with a quirk of her lips, "I definitely knew what I was getting myself into."
"Did you ever want to walk away?" Taylor asked.
"Sure." Perhaps Justin shouldn't be happy that Debra sounded so matter-of-fact about it, but he was glad she wasn't pulling any punches. The more information Taylor had, the better, even if all of it wasn't sunshine and roses. "I'm not a huge fan of hospitals or needles," Debra told them. "And in the middle of the night, those horror stories my mother found kind of got to me."
"But you went through with it anyway?" Taylor sounded as though she could barely believe it.
"There have been a few times in my life when I knew something was right," Debra explained. "Falling in love with my husband. Having my kids. Starting my business. And helping Maya--it was one hundred percent the right thing to do, and I've never regretted it."
"But what if you get sick one day?" Taylor asked. "What if your remaining kidney fails?"
"If that happens, I'll just have to hope someone will come along to help me the way I helped her."
"What about Maya?"
"She's doing well," Debra said with a smile. "At least, she was the last time we talked."
"Are you not close anymore? Even after you gave her a kidney?"
"Don't get me wrong, she's still super grateful. No birthday or anniversary or holiday passes without lavish gifts for me and my husband and kids. Too lavish, if you ask me. But just like everyone else, our lives are busy. I'm here, she's in Paris, and we both have our own families and businesses. We've seen each other when we can over the years, but she knows I'm not expecting her to be beholden to me for the rest of time. If I wasn't willing to donate without strings attached, then I shouldn't have done it." Debra turned her focus to Justin. "You've been pretty quiet over there."
"As a scientist," he said, "I prefer cut and dried, black and white, yes and no. But the deeper I go into all of this with Taylor, the more I can see that it's a complicated situation."
"For both of you," Debra agreed. "One minute you're confident, the next you're scared out of your mind. Hope turns to doubt in an instant, and then back again, like you're on a merry-go-round that's spinning out of control."
"That's exactly how I feel," Taylor said. "Up then down, forward then back, inside then out. I mean, I'm stuck in this situation no matter what, but Justin isn't. And when I think of the risks..."
Debra reached out to put a hand over Taylor's. "I wish I had the magic words to make it less confusing. I don't, but if you have any more questions at any point, I'm just down the road."
"Thank you." Justin and Taylor laughed as they both spoke at the same time, then stood to say their good-byes.
"I hope you'll accept a little gift from me," Debra said, handing them each a candle at the front door.
Taylor lifted hers to her nose to inhale a slightly spicy mix of lavender and rosemary. Justin's smelled just as good, like freshly picked lavender. "They smell incredible, and I love their shape. It looks so organic."
"Since I use natural ingredients for my molds, they break down a little bit with each candle. I figure since nothing is perfect," Debra said, "there's no point in pretending. Not even with candles." She gave each of them a spontaneous hug. "I know it might not be easy, but something tells me you two are going to come out of this okay. Good luck."
Justin was feeling good about their visit as they walked to the car and got in. Debra hadn't painted a perfectly rosy picture, by any means, but overall, it was obvious that no matter how she weighed the pros and cons, even with the distance of time, the positives of her experience far outweighed the negatives. It was, he hoped, exactly what Taylor needed to hear.
"I can't do this anymore."
On the verge of pulling out onto the street, Justin put the car into park and looked at Taylor with alarm. "What do you mean? Did something Debra said freak you out?"
"You mean in addition to the whole making a will thing?"
That had been pretty bad. But he'd assumed Taylor had already read through all of the material on donating. He wouldn't make any more assumptions going forward. "Yeah, something else."
"I don't know." Taylor scrunched her eyes shut and ran her hands over her face. "Actually, I do. From here until tomorrow, can we make a pact not to talk about any of this? Can we just pretend for the next fifteen hours that I'm perfectly healthy and that you're my new boyfriend and we're having a romantic weekend together in the wine country?"
Justin knew time was of the essence. Every phone call made today, every doctor visit, every bit of reading and scheduling and planning could be immeasurably helpful going forward. The opportunity cost of postponing any of it was bigger than he wanted to imagine.
And yet...
He could see how worn down Taylor was by it all--and he also knew that the additional stress couldn't possibly be helping. So even though it went against every last one of his science-based instincts, if it was romance she needed tonight, he vowed that romance was exactly what she would get.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Taylor was glad for the routine of setting up and serving afternoon tea for her guests. Making a batch of cookies, pouring wine, having a little light conversation, giving sightseeing tips and recommendations--it was all so normal. For an hour, she could be a B&B owner with not a care in the world other than making sure her guests were happy and her business was thriving.
Justin made himself scarce for most of the afternoon, and though even a handful of hours without him made her miss him--how had she made it through five years?--she knew he must need some time to decompress. They hadn't spoken about his mini-breakdown in the shower last night, but she couldn't forget the shaking of his broad shoulders as he'd bowed his head, held on to her, and finally given himself a break from being a pillar of strength and let some tears fall.
Today, nothing Debra said had seemed to faze him, but surely he must have some doubts, even if they were tiny. Then again, she seemed to have doubts enough for both of them. So many that she'd been unable to hold in yet another freak-out in the car after their meeting...
Her guests had all gone out to dinner in town by the time she finished washing and putting away the last of the teacups, wine glasses, and champagne flutes. She loved her B&B when it was bustling with happy voices, but tonight she was more than ready to head back to her cottage, draw a bath, and read a book. Whenever Justin got back, she'd welcome him with open arms and apologize for her totally unreasonable request--no matter how much she wished they could pretend that they were having a romantic weekend in the wine country, they couldn't. One day maybe they'd be able to steal that time together, but for now she had to accept t
hat doctor visits and medical tests took priority over everything else.
As she headed through the garden to her cottage, she was so preoccupied with her incessantly swirling thoughts and worries that she barely noticed the sun was just starting to set and the moon was rising on the opposite side of the sky. Even drawing a bath and sinking beneath the bubbles hardly soothed her, although it did help the ache in her side recede a bit.
If Justin were here, he'd know exactly what to say and do. He'd figure out a way to make her laugh. And he'd surely set out to make her knees weak too.
Longing for him even more now than before, she forcefully reminded herself that Justin already had to deal with a sick girlfriend--the last thing he needed was for her to become desperate and clingy, unable to function without him. That wasn't the woman she wanted to be. And she was certain that wasn't the woman he had fallen in love with.
Love. Justin's love made her feel more lucky than she'd ever been, even when in many ways her luck had never been worse. She wanted him to feel just as lucky, which was another reason she couldn't let every second they spent together be about her disease.
She'd said she wanted romance, but she hadn't done anything to make it happen, had she?
Just that quickly, an idea came to her--the perfect romantic plan.
Napa Valley was one of the most romantic places on earth. Thousands of proposals had been made in her town, thousands of brides and grooms had proclaimed their never-ending love to each other in nearby vineyards and wineries. All these years, Taylor had longed for the chance to be with Justin, and she wanted to make sure they celebrated fantasy becoming beautiful reality.
After getting out of the tub and wrapping a towel around herself, she called her friend Angie to ask if she could cover breakfast in the morning. Taylor hadn't planned to miss two breakfasts in her first week at the B&B, but these were extenuating circumstances.
Her next call was to a company that she never thought she'd actually work with. If only because she'd never been particularly good with heights. Of all the scary things she was facing lately, however, heights barely made the list.
She had only just disconnected and set the alarm on her phone for four thirty a.m. when Justin walked in. "Anyone home?"
"I'm in the bedroom."
His eyes lit up--then went dark with heat--when he saw she was wearing only a towel. "Damn," he said, "it's good to see you." He looked super yummy in a navy button-down shirt and dark slacks, and she realized he must have showered and shaved in his room at the B&B. He pulled her into his arms. "Are you just getting into the bath or just getting out?"
"Out," she replied, "but I'm more than happy to get back in with you."
He groaned, the sound reverberating from his chest to hers. "I can't tell you how badly I want to do that, but we need to get going."
"Get going? Where?"
"I've made reservations." He smiled at her. "Romantic reservations." Of course he had. Because all he wanted was for her to be happy. "But if you're too tired--"
"No, I'm fine." Though she'd been drooping on her feet before, she suddenly felt like a million bucks. All because Justin loved her. "Actually, I feel great now that you're here. I just need to get dressed." She opened her antique pine armoire. "Dress code?" Judging by his outfit, she took a guess. "Something pretty?" She held up a green silk dress with long sleeves and a nipped-in waist.
"Perfect. I'll wait in the kitchen while you get ready. Otherwise, I won't be able to resist the allure of taking a bath with you." She had to laugh at the slightly pained look on his face as he walked away.
She would have loved to have climbed into the tub with him, but honestly, the chance to put on makeup and a dress and heels to go out on a date with her boyfriend filled her with a wonderful rush of happiness. It was funny how something small like this could make her feel lighter, more hopeful. She needed to remember this moment as she moved forward over the next weeks, months, and years--that she shouldn't make the mistake of forgetting to appreciate the little things--a sunrise, a smile, a perfect chocolate chip cookie.
And especially a romantic evening out with the man she loved.
He wouldn't tell her where they were going, but that was perfectly okay with Taylor. As long as they were together, she knew it would be great. Even the drive was perfect, the sun having just disappeared behind the mountains, leaving the vineyards glowing in a soft, dusky light.
Twenty minutes later, Justin pulled into the Wine Train parking lot. "Surprise."
"I've been wanting to do this for months!" She threw her arms around him and kissed him. "I love it already."
She could see how pleased he was by her appreciation of his romantic gesture as he grinned and said, "I hope you love it even more once we're on the train."
"Ms. Cardenes, Mr. Morrison, welcome to Romance on the Rails." The conductor, who was wearing a sharp black suit and cap, gave them a bow. "We are very glad you are able to join us tonight on our magical and romantic journey. Please watch your step as you board, and then I will take you to your private dining quarters."
Taylor lifted her eyebrows at Justin. Private dining quarters? She hadn't even realized the Wine Train had such a thing. She'd looked into buying a ticket to one of their murder mysteries a few months back, but had glossed right over their romance package. After all, what was the point in thinking about romance when the only man she cared about was thousands of miles away?
She would have given herself a little pinch to make sure this evening was real if Justin hadn't taken her hand just then. Following the conductor, they passed through one beautiful restored Pullman car after another. There were a few families in the first car, but most of the Wine Train's passengers tonight were couples. Young, old, or somewhere in between, they all looked happy to be on board the luxurious train, and most looked to be deeply in love as well.
But it was hard to imagine any of them could compare with what she and Justin had together. A bond so deep, so true, so strong, that love was blossoming even in the midst of their less-than-perfect situation.
Tonight was perfect, though. A romantic trip on the Napa Valley Wine Train was exactly the kind of date she'd been longing for this afternoon when her head was spinning.
The conductor led them into the final car. "You will be dining beneath our glass-topped Vista Dome with the stars twinkling above and panoramic views of the silver-painted vineyards all around you as we traverse Napa Valley tonight. If you will please take a seat, I'd like to present you with one of our finest local vintages, a sparkling wine we hope you will greatly enjoy. And now, please relax and let us know if there is anything we can do to make your romantic evening shine even brighter."
"I know one thing that can definitely be improved upon," Justin said once they were alone. He scooted his chair closer, so that they were sitting side by side instead of on opposite sides of the round dining table, and put his arm around her as the train slowly made its way out of the station. "I would pull you onto my lap, but this looks to be a family-friendly trip." The wicked glint in his eyes gave testament to the fact that he really did want her sitting on his lap.
Blissfully happy, she leaned her head against his shoulder. "This is the perfect escape."
"I agree."
Sitting close, they looked through the windows and the roof as the stars began to appear one by one, almost as though someone were turning them on with a light switch simply to captivate the two of them. Together, they pointed out the constellations they knew and made up names for those they didn't.
Taylor wasn't sure she'd ever seen so many stars. Or maybe it just seemed that way because everything seemed brighter and better when she was with Justin.
"Do you remember that night we snuck past the fence at the Dish and spent the night gazing at stars?" The hiking trails on the edge of the Stanford campus had been named for the massive high-powered antenna that had been installed at the top of the hill in 1962.
"I was just thinking the same thing," he said, pr
essing a kiss to the top of her head. "I nearly told you that night."
She shifted to look at him. "Told me what?"
"That I loved you. That I'd always loved you. That I always would."
Her heart melted, and when she kissed him, she couldn't hold back. Before she knew it, she actually had started to climb into his lap, family-friendly trip be damned.
The sound of a throat clearing had her jumping back into her seat, cheeks flaming. Justin, on the other hand, looked extremely pleased with himself.
The waiter did an impressive job of keeping a straight face. "Everything we will be serving you tonight is made from local ingredients. To begin, an amuse-bouche made of local butternut squash and zucchini."
Taylor's stomach growled, and she realized she'd barely eaten all day. She usually ate breakfast after her guests in the morning, but with her mother and Bruce there, she'd been in a rush to get things worked out with them. And then they'd gone to meet with Debra in Yountville before coming back to put on tea for her guests. Altogether, she'd nibbled only some scrambled eggs in the morning and then half a cookie in the afternoon.
Having promised everyone from Justin to her mother to her doctors that she would take good care of herself, she should dig in. But first she needed Justin to know something. "I nearly did the same thing that night up at the Dish. I was this close to blurting out my feelings for you."
"You were?" He looked stunned. "How the hell could I have been so blind? If I'd had even the slightest inkling that you felt the way I did..."
"I've always been good at hiding my feelings, at pushing them away when they feel too big or too hard to deal with." She swallowed hard. "Sometimes, I'm afraid I'm going to fall back into that pattern. Even this afternoon, I was so ready to escape reality that I made you promise to act like none of it is happening, to pretend that everything is sunshine and butterflies and rainbows."