“You’re doing just fine,” I said. “Just fine. But look, I don’t have a twin brother so I’m not sure what kind of relationships you have with your sisters. In any case, your business is your business, and no one else’s. A person’s heart belongs to the person in whose chest it is beating, and that person alone.”
“They say I could lose my fate if I take an interest in men,” Kenlex whispered, embarrassed. “And I think their words are true and that I should listen to them, but I can’t. Not anymore. I don’t know how it all happened. In the beginning, everything was so easy and sweet. Your friend came to visit us every day, took us out for a walk or to a tavern, and nothing was required from me. I mean, I didn’t have to make any decisions. It was all going so well, for me, at least.”
“I see,” I said. “And then? Did something change?”
“It did. He was gone for four days. Well, you know that—Sir Kofa said you had been gone together. And I was sad. I never thought I could become sad just because someone stopped visiting me. Today he sent me a call and said he wanted to see me alone, without my sisters. I know what it means when a man wants to meet a woman alone. I got so excited and happy, and I couldn’t say no. Now I don’t know what to do. Should I send him a call and tell him I changed my mind? But I don’t want to say that, and I’m afraid of meeting him alone. Oh, why is this so complicated!”
“It’s not that complicated, Kenlex,” I said, laughing. “At least, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Sir Melifaro is a true gentleman, though that may be hard to believe. Are you worried that once you’re alone he’ll immediately fall victim to his burning lust? I don’t think that’s possible. Echo is a big city. Try as you might, you two would be hard-pressed to find a spot where there would be no one else but you. Trust me, Tekki and I have tried it on many occasions and failed miserably. I’d go so far as to say that one can meet strangers in one’s bedroom sometimes.”
Tekki gave a few vigorous nods. Poor thing, she had run into many a Secret Investigator coming to see me in the doorway of her bedroom.
“But we’ll still be alone,” said Kenlex. “Strangers don’t count. What would they want to do with us?”
“Mark my words, you’ll be proven wrong about that,” I said. “Go on your date, Kenlex, and don’t be afraid of anything.”
“I’m not afraid,” she said, laughing. “I just don’t know what to do and how to behave when I’m alone with Sir Melifaro. I mean, I don’t know what to do so as not to hurt his feelings, and at the same time—”
“I get it,” I said and yawned, unable to suppress it.
I was overcome by drowsiness so abrupt that it seemed as though the kamra I had just finished was laced with a generous portion of sedative. I shook my head, but it didn’t help. Rather, it had an even more lulling effect on me. Meanwhile, my fair ladies were staring at me as though I were a prophet. Tekki, of course, was just curious what I was going to do in this tricky situation. On the one hand, I was supposed to uphold the interests of my friend. On the other, I had no right to give Kenlex a piece of outright bad advice. But I was too tired. To heck with both of them, I thought. Let them figure it out themselves.
“Here’s a great tip for you. Works every time. Give him some baloney, and keep doing that until you figure out what it is you really want. You can pull this trick off indefinitely with most men. Even with me. So everything will be all right, trust me. Now I’ll have to say good night. I’m sorry, girls, but I’m dead beat. And you don’t want a dead body on your hands at this late hour, now, do you?”
I crawled down from the bar stool and went upstairs to the bedroom.
All my talk about needing someone to keep me company in the bedroom turned out to be a hoax. Tekki finally managed to wake me up in the morning, and that in itself was a miracle. I was sure she had had to resort to magic, but I didn’t have the dagger with the magic-measuring gauge nearby, so I had to limit myself to ungrounded assumptions.
“What kind of advice did you mean to give Kenlex last night?” Tekki asked me when I began showing signs of life.
“Whah?” I said. “What are you talking about? I was so exhausted I could have said anything.”
“You told her to give him baloney, for some reason,” she said.
“Oh, that. Yeah, a solid piece of advice, by the way,” I said. “What else should a girl do if she doesn’t know what she wants?”
“Hold on a second, Max. Let’s take it from the top again. What does a piece of smoked sausage have to do with any of it?”
I began to see my mistake. “A hole in the heavens above my silly head! I should have realized that no one would know that expression here.”
“So it’s just an expression?” said Tekki. “And what does it mean?”
“It means to talk foolish and deceptive nonsense, is all.”
Tekki began laughing. “Oh, Max! You know, I think the girl took it literally. She considers you to be a very wise adviser, so you can imagine the consequences.”
“Heh. I sure can. But you know, it’s all for the better. They’ll never forget their date for the rest of their lives.”
Tekki wanted to continue our discussion, but I had to wrap it up. I had only two hours at my disposal, and I was not going to waste them discussing someone else’s love affairs. Praise be the Magicians, I had an affair of my own, and I preferred to fulfill it rather than discuss it, here and now, while the earth was still down here and the heavens still up there. There was no guarantee that Fate would keep smiling down on my happy existence and not try to destroy the idyll.
Idylls aside, at noon I was at Headquarters, as Sir Venerable Head of Everything had ordered.
To my disappointment, I was the first one to arrive. Juffin was running late. In fact, Headquarters were totally empty save for one young courier, who was sleeping peacefully on a small couch by the entrance to the Hall of Common Labor.
I went into the office. Piled up on the desk were numerous pieces of evidence of its prolonged exposure to Melamori: a glass with the remains of some thick orange liquid at the bottom; a crumpled copy of yesterday’s Royal Voice, which she had used to make an origami ship; and, of course, crumbs of cookies she had been feeding to her spider Leleo. Having contemplated this charming mess for a few moments, I woke up the courier and told him to clean it up. Then I sent a call to Juffin, whose absence still puzzled me to no end.
Look, this isn’t fair. I’m already here and you’re not.
Indeed, but I’m on my way. My coming is imminent.
What about the rest of the gang?
The rest of the gang is in position. Melamori is enjoying her much deserved rest, Lookfi is in the Main Archive, as usual, and the rest are abusing my good nature and shirking, using a variety of pretexts. Instead of torturing me with questions, you’d better send a call to the Glutton and order us something. I haven’t had breakfast yet.
If I only had it my way, I’d be carrying out commands like that day in and day out. Juffin showed up at the office at the same time as the courier from the Glutton Bunba. The boss looked at the trays, gave an approving smile, sat down in his armchair, and began his breakfast.
“What special pretexts are there for shirking work?” I said. “It sounds like useful information to have.” I can be such a bore sometimes.
“No special pretexts. Just about any will do,” said Juffin. “Not for you, though. So you can go ahead and die of envy. Well, all right, all right, I’ll tell you. Sir Melifaro was candid enough to tell me he finally had the chance to seduce one of your wives. I would have been a swine not to let him go. Kofa is just enjoying the rare opportunity to have breakfast at home. Both of them, however, will be here in an hour and a half or so. Great things await us today. Well, you three, rather. As for Sir Shurf, he managed to catch a cold yesterday. It breaks my heart, frankly. Deep inside, I am sure that a cold is the worst thing that can befall a man.”
“And you are so right. Although I’m sure Shurf knows of a couple of breathing exercis
es for the occasion. Where did he catch a cold? On the Dark Side?”
“On the roof, of course, where else? He climbed up there to disperse the clouds with his hair still wet. I am shocked, to put it mildly. I have already gotten used to the thought that Sir Shurf is the only perfect creature in this mad World. Then I learn that he, too, is still capable of making silly mistakes like that.”
“No wonder, though,” I said. “He was really taking it easy yesterday. Now give me the rundown on the great things that await us. I’ll bet anything that you called me up here so early just to gossip about it.”
“Close, very close,” said Juffin. “But the manner in which I am going to ‘gossip’ about it is not exactly the manner you’re familiar with. Are you finished eating?”
“Well, I was going to have a second helping.”
“Your second helping will have to wait, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t, but what kind—”
“Just close your eyes and keep silent for a few moments, that’s all I’m asking. I am going to gossip, but not exactly with you. And don’t you dare start to panic. You’re in the House by the Bridge with me, not in the reception room of that monstrous wiseman from your World who specializes in teeth. Just relax.”
I smiled and pulled myself together. Then I closed my eyes and relaxed as Juffin had told me to. Nothing happened, or at least I didn’t feel anything. Moreover, I even dozed off for a moment without noticing it.
“That should be it,” said Juffin in a cheerful tone, bringing me back to reality. “Wake up. You wanted a second helping, right?”
“Of course you’re right. Are you ever wrong? I don’t think Nature was generous enough to give you that talent,” I said, filling my plate. “What kind of unspeakable curse did you just put on me, though? Or is it a secret?”
“It is. It’s one of those secrets that keep themselves, without any extra help, because telling them would require words that don’t exist in any human tongue known to me. Let’s just say I had a small chat with your Shadow.”
“The one you once took a spare heart from for me?”
“The same. Or do you think you’ve got more than one?”
“What did you do to it this time?” I said in a suspicious tone.
“Nothing I’d be embarrassed to talk about in mixed company,” Juffin said and laughed. “What’s with the worried look? I just taught your Shadow a few tricks. Perhaps you will both be better off with them. Or not. You never know for certain.”
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“You don’t need to understand it. Just know that if worse comes to worst, your Shadow stands a good chance to save your ass, along with the thing it’s attached to.”
“Why would my ass need saving?” I was still worried.
“Because you’re about to get yourself in a very dangerous situation—you, Kofa, and Melifaro. But you more than them. Just bear with me a tad longer. They’re going to be here any minute now, and then I’ll tell you everything. It’s much more practical than individual orientation sessions for each one of you.”
“It must be true if you say so,” I said, feeling gloomier than ever.
“Aw, don’t give me that tragic look now. I told you many times it’s not your forte. Just accept it.”
“What is it that you’re supposed to accept, you monster?” said Melifaro. He stood in the doorway, radiating joy like the midday sun. His new crimson looxi was so garish that I almost went deaf as well as blind, metaphorically speaking.
“From the looks of it, I’m going to have to accept everything,” I said.
“Right you are.” Melifaro ran to the armchair and jumped into it. The armchair gave out a plaintive squeak. Juffin raised his eyebrows and stared at Melifaro as though he were an inexplicable natural phenomenon.
“What’s with the joy on the face of my Diurnal Rep?” he said.
“Girls love me again,” said Melifaro. “So the World isn’t coming to an end after all. Not now, at least. Prepare to take on the role of a deceived husband, Nightmare. You’re going to need it in the near future, I swear by all the vomit-inducing honey of Kumon, may it drown in its own sugar toppings.”
“How does one prepare for that occasion, exactly?” I said. “Are there some exercises I need to know? Anyway, tell me what happened. It’s a family matter, so to speak. Besides, I know you’re going to burst if you don’t. I can see it with the naked eye.”
Melifaro glanced at Juffin. The boss stuck his fingers in his ears, sat like that for a few seconds, and then crossed his arms on his chest and laughed.
“Max is right. Sir Melifaro, you are both in grave danger. If nothing is done about it, you will burst from overwhelming emotions, and he from good old curiosity. On top of that, I don’t believe things have gone so far that you can’t talk about it.”
“If they haven’t, they will,” said Melifaro. He couldn’t keep a straight face for more than a second. He, too, laughed and said, “You wouldn’t believe what that girl was doing! Sinning Magicians, man, those savage customs of the steppes are really something else.”
“What did she do?” I said, although I began to guess.
“First, everything was pretty decent. Lady Kenlex finally agreed to meet me without her suite, except she demanded that it take place in the morning. I’ve noticed that many girls deem us men to be some enchanted evil spirits that are rendered completely harmless in broad daylight. A dangerous delusion, I would say. Anyway, she said she wanted to meet in the morning, but then she also said she wanted to go to a tavern that served baloney. Well, I didn’t think much of it at first. I was just glad she wasn’t dragging me to that blasted Kumonian Honey.”
I couldn’t hold it in any longer and burst out laughing.
“I knew it,” said Melifaro. “I just knew you had something to do with it.”
“Don’t stop,” I said. “Mind you, I was upholding your best interests.”
“I wish I could believe that. In any case, it wasn’t all that bad. I took Kenlex to the Happy Skeleton. They serve good, simple food there, including baloney, right up until dusk. First, we just sat there and chatted about this and that. Kenlex kept looking around, probably making sure there were people around us, but also that no one was making love right there on the dinner table so I wouldn’t try it, either. The Happy Skeleton is a respectable establishment, praise be the Magicians, so the girl’s worries soon disappeared.
“Then they brought us our food, and that’s when the unbelievable part began. Kenlex interrupted me in the middle of a sentence, grabbed a piece of baloney from her plate, and handed it to me. I was too dumbfounded to do anything with it, so she just placed it on my head and grabbed another one from her plate. Now I understand what people mean when they claim to be shocked about something.
“Little by little, I began to submit to her whims. I decided that it could very well be one of the poorly studied customs of her homeland. Maybe, I thought, that was what a girl did to someone who had a special place in her heart. I was grateful she wasn’t trying to cover me in menkal dung, for crying out loud. I relaxed and just enjoyed her attentions. I think the customers of the Happy Skeleton were as happy as the skeleton itself. Even the chef came out of the kitchen to look at what we were doing. Kenlex paid no attention to the customers or the chef. I didn’t dare hurt her simple, innocent feelings by interfering in the process.
“It went on for some time. I was all covered in slices of baloney, which had begun falling off and landing on my looxi, but she was just getting started. When she ran out of baloney, she stroked my head, gathered up the pieces from my head and looxi, and put them back on her plate. I thought the ceremony was over, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. After she put the baloney back on her plate, she began covering me with it again! I didn’t mind, though.”
“You liked it that much?” I said.
“Yes, especially the finale. Kenlex got so carried away with it that she kissed me in the end. Apparently, coverin
g a person of the opposite sex with baloney inevitably boosts the passion. Then the girl asked me, very politely, if I would mind her behaving in that manner from then on. I said that my head was at her service at any time of day or night. I had to run back home to change and take a bath, but for Kenlex I’m prepared to make a much greater sacrifice.” Melifaro took a breath and gave me a meaningful look. “So it is your doing, isn’t it? I can read the confession on your forehead, so don’t try to deny it.”
“I wasn’t going to,” I said. “But it wasn’t ‘my doing,’ at least not directly. An ordinary misunderstanding of a linguistic nature.”
“What do you mean?” said Juffin.
“Where I come from, we have an expression: ‘to give someone baloney,’” I said. “It just means to talk nonsense, disregarding the interests of the other party. I said it when I was talking to Kenlex. How on earth was I supposed to know that she would misconstrue the meaning and take it literally?”
Juffin’s and Melifaro’s guffaws answered my question.
“I guess I don’t need to apologize for showing up late,” said Kofa, coming in. “I see you’re having a great time.”
“I was planning to start getting mad at you in a minute or two,” said Juffin, “so you barely made it.”
“I just shouldn’t be allowed to have breakfast at home,” said the Master Eavesdropper. “It was such a rare pleasure that I simply couldn’t stop.”
“I can relate,” said the boss. “Well, since everyone is here, I’m going to have to change the subject and talk about Glenke Taval, former Grand Magician of the Order of the Sleeping Butterfly, who was—and, alas, still is—one of the best sorcerers who has ever burdened the World with his existence.”
“Do we have to talk about that wearisome gentleman?” said Kofa. “I think it’s pretty clear what we must do. Tear off his head and throw it in a swamp. Better late than never, as I see it.”
“You are correct,” Juffin said drily. “I was going to propose you do something to that effect. Things have already gone too far, however. An entire army of Lonely Shadows guards Glenke now. But the Shadows are not your problem. Max can easily deal with them.”