Crystal and I walk up to the High Street. Summer has given us a tantalising taste of things to come with a beautiful, warm day. Perfect for a pleasant stroll. My friend links her arm through mine, chattering all the way there, and I’m happy to be by her side, just listening.
A few minutes later we push open the door to Highly Polished. A little bell rings on our arrival. It’s an oasis of whiteness and calm. Soothing music greets us. The beaming receptionist takes our jackets and shows us to two tidy nail stations next to each other.
‘This is very nice,’ I whisper to Crystal excitedly.
‘It could be us next,’ she says. ‘Watch out, world!’
‘Would you like some tea, or wine?’ the receptionist asks.
‘Glass of white would go down a treat,’ Crystal says.
‘I’ll have tea, please.’
‘Daytime blend, Earl Grey, rooibos?’
‘Do you have any builder’s tea?’
‘Of course, madam.’
I sit down and a young girl comes to sit opposite me. ‘Good afternoon, Mrs Roberts,’ she says. ‘What am I going to do for you today?’
‘I don’t know,’ I admit.
‘Do you want a basic manicure, French manicure, reverse French, funky French, American polish? We also do shellac, acrylic, gel powder and bio-sculpture gel.’
‘Oh.’
Crystal leans over. ‘She’ll have a French manicure, please. Can you use this pale pink?’ She points to a colour.
‘Yes, of course, Ms Cooper. No problem.’
So I sit there, trying to keep as still as a stone while my nails are filed and shaped. Then the girl paints on white tips followed by a transparent pink colour. She asks me all about my daughter and where I’m going on my next holiday while she does it. When I tell her that I’ve never been on a holiday, the girl looks as startled as Hayden did and spends the next ten minutes telling me how much she enjoys Greece.
During this time my tea is delivered, but I’m too terrified to move and drink it.
‘There you are,’ she says when she’s eventually finished. ‘They’re lovely.’
I hold up my hands to admire them. They do look prettier than they ever have before.
‘You should go to Greece one day,’ she advises.
‘Perhaps I will.’
Crystal downs the last of her wine and I take a few hurried sips of my tea. ‘We’d better get a move on if we’re to pick up Sabina.’
I’m very careful with my nails as I shrug on my jacket. It would be terrible to spoil them after they’ve had so much care and attention. ‘I’ve asked Hayden to walk with us this afternoon.’
‘And he said yes?’
‘He did.’
‘Wow,’ she says. ‘You’re deffo a good influence on him.’
I’m bashful now. ‘I don’t think so.’
We go to the desk to pay and the receptionist looks up at us and smiles. ‘Your account has been settled, Ms Cooper. A treat from Mr Daniels.’
‘Hayden paid the bill? Cool.’
‘That’s very thoughtful of him.’
Crystal looks at me carefully. ‘He’s a catch,’ she says. ‘There aren’t many men like him around. Just remember that.’
‘I think that he’s still in love with Laura,’ I say. ‘Perhaps he always will be.’
Crystal sighs. ‘I think you’re probably right. It’s time he let her go, though. That man seriously needs to move on. It’s not as if she’s ever going to come back.’
‘Perhaps he hopes that she will,’ I offer. ‘One day.’
‘That’s never going to happen, is it?’
‘Sometimes these things have a way of working themselves out.’
Crystal looks at me, surprised. ‘Laura’s dead,’ she tells me. ‘You didn’t know?’
I reel and have to hold the reception desk to steady myself. ‘No one told me.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Crystal says. ‘What an idiot I am. I assumed you knew. Hayden doesn’t like to talk about it, but I thought he would have said something. You do seem to have a lot of cosy chats.’ Crystal raises her eyebrows.
‘I thought she’d left him.’ I assumed that she tired of the relationship or had met someone else. The usual things that happen.
‘God, no. They were totally loved up, about to get engaged. But they had a car accident. A terrible one. Laura was driving when they were chased by paparazzi. I don’t know exactly what happened, but something they did caused Laura to flip the car. Hayden walked away without a scratch. Laura didn’t.’
‘How terrible.’ He might have escaped without major injury, but there’s no doubt that his pain continues daily.
‘Laura’s gone for good,’ Crystal continues. ‘I hope one day Hayden can accept that and learn to love again. God knows I’ve tried my best.’ She slips her arm around me. ‘Perhaps, my little friend, you’ll have better luck than me.’
Chapter Forty-two
At three-fifteen I’m reading, and waiting in the hall for Crystal and Hayden to walk up to school to meet Sabina. Hayden is the first to arrive. He’s wearing a black wool hat pulled right down over his ears and brow. It’s so low that it’s touching the dark glasses he’s also wearing. He has on a jacket with the collar flipped up.
‘It’s very warm outside,’ I say to him. What I really want to do is reach out and touch him, tell him that I now understand his pain.
‘Photographers,’ he says. ‘I don’t want anyone taking a photograph.’
‘Oh.’ I hadn’t thought until now how much of a trial this might be for him. My new knowledge puts a different slant on everything. ‘You don’t have to come.’
‘I’d like to,’ he says. ‘Old habits die hard, though.’
‘I don’t think that there are any photographers outside,’ I offer.
‘They’re everywhere,’ he tells me.
‘Oh.’ I don’t know how to make this better for him. Yet I have to risk a glance at my watch. Soon I must be going or Sabina will be out of her class and she’ll be left by herself waiting for me.
At that moment, Crystal sticks her head out of Hayden’s office. ‘I’m stuck on hold on the phone to the college,’ she says. ‘Can you two go without me?’
‘Yes, of course.’ I turn to Hayden. ‘Is that all right with you?’
‘Fine,’ he says, but his face seems to turn pale.
‘Sure?’
He nods and we go to leave. But at the threshold, he stops and holds on to the frame. ‘Wow,’ he says. ‘This is a little harder than I thought.’
For a moment, I think he might faint.
‘Perhaps I should go back inside,’ he says.
Now it’s my turn to panic. ‘I don’t like to go alone.’
‘What a pair,’ Hayden says. His breathing is shallow. ‘We can do this. We can do this.’
It makes me realise that in all the time that I’ve been here, I’ve never actually seen Hayden go out of the house at all. He might wander occasionally into the garden, but no further. I might know why now, but that still can’t be a good thing.
‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ I tell him. ‘If you’ll be there for me, I’ll do the same for you. Sabina will be so thrilled to see you.’
His hand goes to his heart. ‘I think my chest might explode.’
‘Then we’ll take it slowly. Small steps.’
I link my arm through his as Crystal does to me.
‘Small steps,’ he echoes.
So we go out into the sunshine, me with my newly painted nails, Hayden with his woolly hat on.
At the security gates he pulls up again. ‘I haven’t been outside of these for a very long time.’
‘The walk to the school is very pleasant. It only takes a few minutes.’
He nods at me and gingerly we inch forward.
Hayden looks both ways, up and down the road. When he’s satisfied there are no photographers around, together we venture out on to the pavement. We fall into faltering steps beside each oth
er.
‘That’s not so bad, is it?’ He’s like a man who’s walking on the edge of a cliff.
‘No,’ he says, but his teeth are gritted.
‘Thank you very much for paying for my manicure.’ To distract him, I hold up my hands for him to see.
‘Beautiful,’ he says, and the word catches in his throat.
I blush. ‘It was very kind.’
‘Just a little treat.’
‘I feel very glamorous.’ Not like Crystal, but in my own way.
Eventually the school comes into sight and I give his arm a slight squeeze. ‘We made it.’
He smiles, but there’s sweat on his top lip when he says, ‘That wasn’t too bad.’
As we go through the school gate, some of the mothers turn to look at Hayden. He puts his head down and studies the ground, but they continue to stare at him and nudge one another. A titter goes round the group. I wonder if they recognise him, or if they’re simply excited because he’s tall, muscular and handsome and very few men like that wait at the school gates. Whichever it is, I can tell that he’s uncomfortable and I wish they’d leave him in peace. This is trial enough for him.
Not a minute too soon, the children run out of the door and I feel Hayden relax slightly. When Sabina sees us she dashes towards us, heading towards Hayden first. He catches her at full tilt and swings her high up into the air. I can barely believe my own ears, but a little squeak of delight escapes from her throat.
Hayden and I exchange a careful glance. My eyes fill with tears. It may not seem like much, but it’s the first sound of any kind that I’ve heard from my daughter’s lips in a very long time. I know now that her voice, although locked up, is still inside her, and I hope beyond hope that one day it will be free again.
‘You weigh a ton, Little Bean,’ Hayden says, tossing her in the air as if she’s nothing but a feather. He swings her back to the ground. She’s breathless and smiling.
‘And a kiss for your mama?’ I say.
Her sweet lips brush my cheek. Hayden and I take a hand each and we walk her away from the playground.
Over her head, we exchange another glance. This time, Hayden tips down his sunglasses and winks at me. I wink back.
Chapter Forty-three
Crystal ambushes me the minute we walk through the door. ‘I’ve booked us on a course,’ she says. ‘Manicurist. Just two days.’
‘Really?’
‘Next week. A hundred and fifty quid each.’
I reel at that. ‘I don’t have that amount of money to spare,’ I tell her. ‘I can’t do it.’
‘The course at the local college is heaps cheaper, but it doesn’t start until September,’ Crystal says. ‘I can’t wait until then. This way, we can be out and working as soon as possible.’
My heart sinks. What can I do now?
‘I’ll pay for it,’ Hayden says. ‘For both of you.’
‘I can’t accept,’ I tell him. I don’t even need to think about this. There’s no way that I can be beholden to a man again. Even this kind one.
‘Call it a loan,’ he says. ‘You can pay me back when you get on your feet again.’
‘I’m not so sure,’ I admit. ‘It’s a big commitment.’
‘Think about it,’ Hayden says. ‘There’s no pressure.’
Crystal shuffles her feet. ‘Er… actually there is. I’ve already booked for us and paid on my credit card.’
‘Oh, Crystal,’ I say. ‘You shouldn’t have done this without my permission.’
‘Don’t look at me like that,’ she says, pouting. ‘It will be totes fabulous fun!’
‘This is supposed to be the start of me running my own life.’
‘Oh,’ she says. ‘Didn’t think of it like that.’
I sigh, when really I feel like crying.
‘Can’t you start running your own life after we’ve done the course?’ Crystal cringes apologetically.
‘Go,’ Hayden intervenes. ‘Enjoy yourselves. I insist on paying.’
‘How will I collect Sabina from school?’ Now I’m thinking of all the obstacles.
‘Hayden will go and get her,’ Crystal says. She looks at him. ‘You’re not doing anything else?’
‘I don’t know if that’s a good idea,’ I interject. It was so difficult for him today that I don’t know if I could ask him to go through that again.
‘Crystal’s right,’ he says. ‘I can pick Sabina up from school both afternoons, if you’re not back in time.’
‘Are you sure? We could ask Joy.’
‘She’ll be at her day centre,’ he points out. ‘No need to drag her back. I can do it.’
I must still look uncertain as he adds, ‘I can do it. I promise. You won’t mind that, will you, Beanie?’
My child shakes her head and smiles shyly. I think she’s taken quite a shine to Hayden and he seems to be very patient and caring towards her.
‘The course will be good for both of you,’ Hayden adds.
Feeling myself weaken, I can’t help but break into a smile. It seems like it would be a soothing job, something that I could do. I like to care for people, and this is a nice way to do it. If we can find work, I could perhaps fit it around Sabina’s school hours. ‘I’d very much like to take the course.’
Crystal pounces on that. ‘Fab! There’s all kinds of other modules, but this will teach us the basics.’
I turn to Hayden. ‘But I’d very much like to pay for it myself. That’s important to me.’ I still have several hundred from the money I brought with me, but I want to keep it for emergencies. What if I have to leave this house?
He shrugs. ‘I can understand that.’
‘However, can I please accept your offer of help with any written work and to collect Sabina?’
‘Of course. It would be my pleasure.’ He smiles at me. I want to have his respect. I want to respect myself.
Crystal hugs me tightly. ‘I’m so excited,’ she says.
‘Me too. I hope it will be lots of fun.’ I’ve never taken a course in anything and it feels as if a whole world of possibilities is opening up to me. But, first things first. I’ll soon have a lot of hungry friends. I slip off my jacket. ‘Now I must start dinner or we’ll all be eating at midnight. Sabina, do you have homework?’
She nods.
‘I’ll do it with her,’ Hayden offers.
‘Thank you.’
They sit at the table together and I listen to Hayden as he patiently goes through a list of spellings with her. I try to repeat them in my own head.
I chop and fry the chicken and leave it to cook in a sauce of spices and coconut milk. Joy has left a selection of vegetables on the counter and I set to peeling them.
I’m thrilled and anxious about the manicure course next week. I should feel very grateful to Crystal for organising it, as I wonder if I would have had the courage to book it and go along by myself. I realise that if I’m going to make it out there in the big wide world, then I have to be more assertive.
Hayden looks up and smiles at me as if he’s reading my thoughts. ‘We’re nearly done here,’ he says.
‘Dinner will be a long while yet. Why don’t you play the piano?’
‘I might just do that.’ He turns to Sabina. ‘Fancy another “Chopsticks” duel?’
She nods enthusiastically.
I watch as he takes her by the hand, and together they go off towards the living room.
I’m lucky, so lucky, to have landed up here on Hayden Daniels’s doorstep, but this place is a bubble. I feel protected here, as if it’s a halfway house to real life. After this, it’s going to be very difficult to step out on my own.
Chapter Forty-four
The trail had gone cold again. Suresh stared at his laptop screen and pushed his fingers through his hair. He’d scoured the internet and had found the name of a women’s-aid charity that had offices in Drummond Street. Maybe that was where Ayesha had gone. Trust her to want charity. Now everything about her sickened him.
> He’d tried to find out by ringing them direct. Despite a dozen increasingly irate telephone calls he’d got nowhere with them. In the end he’d resorted to threats, but still to no avail. They were tough bitches. If she had been there, they were saying nothing. ‘Client confidentiality,’ they kept spouting. What lies. All they were doing was keeping husbands from their wives and fathers from their children. He’d told them as much.
Suresh had been down to London again, twice more. Both times on his own. Even the lads thought he was becoming obsessed and his brother took every opportunity to tell him so. He could do without that. He’d driven round in his car, walked the streets, hoping for a glimpse of her. Ayesha couldn’t just fade into the background. Sometime soon she’d make a mistake and he’d be there, looking over her shoulder, breathing down her neck, waiting, waiting.
He spent day after day searching the internet for some mention of her, some clue to give him an idea of what to do next. It was time he could ill afford and that made him even more angry with her. There was a big job coming up with Flynn and Smith. Bigger than anything they’d done before. It was time they stepped up a league. They’d be rich men if they could pull this off, but it was taking a lot of planning. Every night they gathered in his kitchen to go over the details, fine-tune them so that nothing could go wrong. Yet this business with Ayesha was distracting him.
His mother came over with a cup of tea for him. Her movements were slow now, laboured. She seemed to have shrunk into herself, diminishing in size since Ayesha and Sabina had gone, and that riled him. She put the tea down next to the computer.
‘Not there,’ he snapped. ‘What if it spills?’
His mother slid it further away on the table. Before she could move from him, he grabbed her by the wrist. It was thin, papery, it would snap so easily. She was frail. Her grey hair sparse. His father was no better. All he did was sit in his chair for hours on end, talking about the good old days.
‘You’re hurting me, my son.’
He let go and she nursed her arm against her body. ‘Have you heard from her?’ he said. ‘No secret letters? No phone calls that you’ve forgotten to mention?’