Tears shimmered in her eyes as she sang – not to anyone else in the auditorium. Only to him. “There’s a somebody I’m longing to see. I hope that he turns out to be someone who’ll watch over me.” She sang the words and his heart leapt into his throat.
His eyes spoke a thousand words from across the stage. I’m that somebody, Jessica. I want to be the one to watch over you. You’ll never have to be alone. But, then again, she wasn’t alone. Nathan, her fiancé, provided an ever-present reminder. If he’s so in love with her, why isn’t he here tonight? It’s Valentine’s Day, for Pete’s sake. He should be here. Oh, but I’m so glad he’s not here. If he had come…
None of this would be happening.
Jessica continued to sing and Colin found himself caught up in watching her – so much so that he almost forgot to join in on the chorus. This is reaching a crazy point. I’ve got to do something, say something. I can’t wait any longer. My heart can’t take much more of this.
When the song ended, he managed to get her attention and mouthed the words, “I need to talk to you.” She nodded with a mixture of terror and curiosity etched on her beautiful face.
The final song of the evening drew to a conclusion with the whole group in choreographed formation, which, blessing upon blessing, placed Colin and Jessica side by side. As the curtain came down, he took advantage of the opportunity by grabbing her hand and whispering in her ear. “Jessica. I need to talk to you. It can’t wait.”
She looked up at him with a panicked expression and nodded silently.
“If I don’t tell you this, I’m going to die.’ He pressed her hands into his own as he spoke above the excited voices onstage. “Remember that day on the phone when I told you I loved you? She nodded and her hands began to shake as he continued. “I didn’t mean to say those words. I wasn’t even sure where they came from, to be honest. But the truth is. . .I do love you.” His words, rushed and passionate, astounded him.
She began to cry and Colin gripped her hands even tighter. “I love you, Jessica. I’ve tried not to. I’ve prayed about it, worried about it, tried to forget about it. But I can’t. I know that God brought you here—not just because of the music—but because we’re supposed to be together. I prayed for a helper, and He sent me the best one on the planet.”
“Oh, Colin.” Her eyes filled with tears and she squeezed his hands. Then, just as swiftly, she backed away and placed those hands over her mouth. “What are we doing?” she whispered. “This can’t be happening.” Thunderous applause continued from the other side of the closed curtain.
“It is.” He pulled her to himself. “And it’s too late to change anything. I love you, Jessica.” And then, without planning a thing, their lips came together in the most orchestrated moment of Colin’s life. The world seemed to disappear in a muddy haze as he held this gift, this amazing woman in his arms. The roar of love nearly deafened him.
Only when an elbow jabbed him in the ribs did he realize the roar came from the audience. When did the curtain go back up?
For a second, Jessica looked as if she might faint. Her cheeks blazed with color. From stage right, Katie stared with her mouth hanging open. Several people in the audience began to cheer, and Colin realized, all too late, that he and Jessica had just exposed their feelings not only to each other, but to the entire city of Dallas, Texas.
***
Jessica tossed and turned in the bed, fighting the mixture of emotions that held her in their grip. “He loves me. Colin loves me.” The revelation brought a sense of wonder. And terror.
I love Nathan. Don’t I?
She wrestled with the truth, and it nearly strangled her in its grasp. She didn’t love Nathan. Not like she should, anyway. But what could she do about that? Should she marry him anyway? She twisted around in the sheets for nearly an hour before finally falling asleep. When she finally dozed off, familiar dreams swept her away to a place she recognized all too well.
Jessica saw herself on a stage, singing her heart out. She wore an exquisite flowing dress in shades of cream and burgundy. To her left, a beautiful set filled the stage - an antiquated Italian city with houses, fountains and cobbled streets. From inside the window of one of the houses, a man sang to her in a rich baritone voice, which resonated across the theater.
She responded to his words in Italian. Her soprano voice matched his as they joined together in harmony to complete the song. He disappeared momentarily, only to reappear in the doorway of the house. The tall stranger with dark hair moved toward her, never taking his eyes off of hers.
Only now did she recognize him.
Colin. I’ve been dreaming about you all along!
With great joy, he swept her into his arms and sang lovingly to her as he danced her across the stage. She found herself captivated by the moment and completely lost in his gaze. They seemed to mirror each other perfectly. From there, the dream faded to a dismal gray haze.
Jessica awoke in a pool of sweat. She shook uncontrollably as truth overwhelmed her. Somehow, lying here in the bed with no one but the Lord to confide in, Jessica had to admit the truth.
I’m in love with Colin Phillips.
twenty-one
The week after Valentine’s Day gave Jessica the time she needed to seek God’s will concerning her love life. After much turmoil, she had to conclude that she could not carry through with her plans to marry Nathan. This revelation caused pain at first, but had been followed by an overwhelming sense of relief.
Now, she must tell her fiancé that she couldn’t possibly marry him. Many times she ran through the conversation in her mind, trying to decide the best way to word things. And opportunities seemed to abound. She could have told him of her decision over the phone on several occasions. She could have shared the news online as they chatted by Instant Message. She could have told him any number of times by any number of ways.
But fear always stopped her. He’s going to be so hurt. He’ll never understand.
Besides, he always seemed to be a more than a little distracted and even moody when they were together. Often, he didn’t have time to talk at length anyway. His school schedule was tight and his work commitments seemed to be growing daily.
Not that she had much time, either. The children’s spring production was in full rehearsal, and the children offered hours of distraction from her woes. They were a chaotic delight, as usual. On top of their antics, Jessica had another amazing distraction. She had been offered the opportunity of a lifetime—a solo role in the adult spring performance of The Bartered Bride. With so much going on simultaneously, she had little time to contemplate the very real consequences of bartering her own romantic feelings.
In order to maintain a sense of openness before the Lord, Jessica made a commitment to cease any personal conversation with Colin. This proved to be quite difficult, in light of the hours they spent together daily, but she managed to avoid any private conversations, and kept her thoughts and emotions to herself. Until she settled the issues with Nathan, she had no other choice. Everything was just too confusing right now. Instead, she made the whole matter an issue of prayer and committed her heart and her future to the Lord. Even if it meant spending the rest of her life alone.
By the time she drove to Houston the final weekend in February, Jessica felt more at peace about the whole situation. She knew the Lord would show her what to do. He could be trusted with her future. Hadn’t He already directed her this far? Hadn’t he given her the courage to come to Dallas, to audition for the Opera? He knew her heart and He remained in full control.
In the meantime, Jessica knew she must confide in her mother at once. To wait any longer would be too difficult. Besides, she needed the assurance and the love of one who had already lived and loved so well. What better person than her own mother, who had always shared her heart so openly?
When she arrived home, Jessica took advantage of the first available opportunity to pour her heart out to both her mother and Andrew. She spoke carefully, thought
fully, and didn’t leave out a thing. She told them of her most recent revelation—that her feelings for Nathan were not what she had always thought. Though somewhat shaken, her parents seemed to take the news a little better than she had hoped.
“To be honest,” her mother responded at last, “I’m not that surprised. In fact, I think I’ve known for a while. That’s probably why I asked so many pointed questions when you were here last.”
“It doesn’t change your opinion of me?” Jessica wiped tears from her eyes as she spoke.
“Never.” Her mother’s eyes misted, as well. “I felt a little bad for putting you on the spot before, but now I know that God was obviously on the move. I can see that now.”
“I’m so relieved. Thank you both so much for understanding.” She looked at them with great appreciation.
“We trust your judgment,” Andrew added. “And you know in your heart whether Nathan is the right man for you.”
“It would be far worse to marry a man you were never intended to marry,” her mother added. “I’ve known far too many people who did, and they struggled for years to try to make the marriage work. I don’t want that for you, Jess. I want you to be able to have it all—the romance, the music, everything.”
Then I have to tell them the part about Colin, too.
Tears flowed now, and Jessica freely shared all that had happened on Valentine’s Day. At first, as always, guilt consumed her. But when she reached the point where Colin confessed his love for her, she couldn’t help but smile. Her heart came alive and her hands began to tremble. Even her lips quivered as she spoke the words, “I feel so bad about feeling so good.”
For a moment, her mother didn’t say a word. Then, when she did speak, her words startled Jessica. “I never thought I could fall in love twice in one lifetime.” She took hold of her daughter’s hands. “When your father passed away, I just accepted the fact that I’d be by myself for the rest of my life. I was so surprised when the Lord brought Andrew into my life.”
“In a good way, I hope.” He slipped an arm around her shoulders.
“A very good way.” She patted him on the knee and they hugged at length.
“You two are so romantic,” Jessica said with a sigh. “I want a relationship like that. I really do. I didn’t realize how much I wanted and needed that.”
“Romance is very important,” her mother said. “But love—real love—far exceeds any feeling or emotion. I know I don’t have to tell you that.”
“I always thought I knew what love was like.” Jessica shrugged. “But now I’m not sure I know anything any more. I feel like a little girl, all over again.”
“That’s not such a bad thing,” Andrew said. “Just put your trust in God. He’s still there.”
“Just remember,” her mother said, “God’s methods don’t always fall in line with what we expect. And He has an amazing sense of humor. Sometimes we forget that.”
“I had almost forgotten. These past few months have had very few light-hearted moments. Between Nathan and myself, I mean. Up in Dallas, I’ve had lots of fun. I don’t know when I’ve ever felt so fulfilled or so needed.”
“I’m thrilled for you, Honey.” Her mother stood to give her a warm embrace. “Just promise me you won’t make any rash decisions where your love life is concerned. These things take time, trust me.”
Jessica wrapped her arms around her mother’s waist. “I won’t, Mom. To be honest, I haven’t even spoken two words to Colin since Valentine’s Day.”
“I’m not so sure that’s good, either.”
“I just haven’t known what to say, so I haven’t said anything. I think it’s more important at this point to talk to Nathan. To resolve our relationship in a way that honors God and him. But I’m so scared I’m going to hurt him, Mom. I’m so scared.” She dissolved into a puddle of tears, and her mother held her in a warm embrace.
“You can’t let that stop you from doing the right thing.”
“I know.” Jessica reached for a tissue and dried her eyes.
“One day at a time, Honey. And one battle at a time.”
As they wrapped up their conversation together, Jessica finally felt free to breathe again. Now she could move forward with her life. Just as soon as she talked to Nathan.
She found her first opportunity to speak with him later that same evening. He arrived around six to pick her up for dinner. All the way to the restaurant, she sat in silence, planning her words. Just as they pulled into the parking lot, she turned to face him. “Nathan, I need to talk to you about something. Important.”
“What’s up, Jess?” He turned to face her as he pulled into a parking space.
“I need to tell you—”
At that moment, his cell phone rang and he reached to grab it. “This will just take a minute. I’ll get rid of them.” He answered the phone and Jessica tried, once again, to collect her thoughts. Unfortunately, his call lasted quite some time and seemed to be complicated. Something about one of his classes. Obviously something important. He remained on the phone nearly twenty minutes. When he finally hung up, she opened her mouth to begin again, but he managed to get the first word in.
“I can’t believe that guy!” Nathan dove into a lengthy explanation of all that had transpired over the phone. On and on he went, sharing every detail. Something hurtful had happened at school. He had been victimized. Someone else was to blame. He had tried to make things right, but nothing seemed to work in his favor.
Jessica listened intently, but at some point in the story felt all of her courage drain away. As she and Nathan entered the restaurant together, she decided this would, surely, not be the night the Lord had in mind to break her fiancé’s heart.
***
I’ve lost her. The words ran through Colin’s mind over and over again as he prepared the room for the children’s arrival. “Why did I tell her? Why didn’t I just wait and—”
And what? Live in misery without letting her know? Let her think he felt comfortable just being her friend when, in reality, he wanted to sweep her into his arms and hold her.
Forever.
But clearly, that would never happen now. She had gone back to Houston and, with the spring productions just a few weeks away, he knew she would only return for a brief time.
Then she’ll be gone. What will I do without her? His heart twisted as if in a stranglehold and he felt a lump rise in his throat. Be a man. Don’t give in to these feelings.
Colin pushed it back down and forced himself to focus on the children – on the upcoming rehearsal. With so much to do, who had time to worry about being in love, anyway?
twenty-two
Weeks went by, and Jessica never found the right opportunity to share her heart with Nathan. She tried valiantly, but every time—every single time—something would happen to interrupt their conversation. Many times she found herself questioning both her motives and her feelings. Would it be better to hurt Nathan by telling him the truth or to marry him, knowing he wasn’t the right man for her? If she married someone outside of God’s plan, the consequences could be devastating for both of them.
And what about Colin? Jessica pressed all thoughts of him from her mind time and time again. But he would not go away. At night, in her dreams, he would reappear. In her thoughts, he would speak words of kindness to her. Jessica couldn’t seem to shake his image, no matter which direction she turned. And working with him every day didn’t help matters much. Continually, she was reminded of his warm smile, his love for the children, his passion for the music they both loved.
And his comments to her on Valentine’s night.
Though the two never mentioned all that had taken place after that infamous performance, she could not stop thinking about his words, could not help but remember what it felt like to be wrapped up in his arms. It had felt so good, so right. But how could it be? God, forgive me if what I’m feeling is wrong. I don’t want to be out of Your will.
But how could marrying Nathan be
right, either? What good was a marriage that would only end in misery? She wouldn’t be giving Nathan her whole self, even if she vowed to try with all her heart.
No, Jessica finally concluded, she could not marry Nathan. Even if God chose to close the door on a potential relationship with Colin, she could not—would not—carry through with the marriage to her fiancé. To do so, would be to deny her heart and would be unfair to him.
But how could she tell him?
On the final weekend in March, she finally found the right opportunity to speak with Nathan, to give him the dreaded news. He had agreed to drive her back to Dallas so that they could have some time together. Alone. At first, she was thrilled at the opportunity. However, as the car pulled away from the curb, Jessica began to wonder if she could go through with this. Lord, I need Your help. I don’t want to hurt him. Help me, Father.
Just as she opened her mouth to begin, Nathan spoke. “Jess, I need to talk to you.”
“Okay. I need to talk to you, too.”
“This is really important.” He pulled the car off of the road and gazed at her intently. “I, uh—”
Obviously very important. “Go ahead, Nathan.”
“I need to tell you something, but I don’t want to upset you. Really,” he continued, “I guess there’s no way to tell you this without upsetting you.”
“What is it Nathan?” Now her curiosity kicked in.
“I, um, I’ve had a lot of time to myself over the last few months.”
“I know. I’m really sorry about that.”
“Don’t be,” he said. “The time alone has given me a lot of opportunity to think—about who I am, where I’m going, all that stuff. I might have seemed stressed about being by myself, but God was using it to prepare me for something.”