What is he going to say?
“I’ve had a lot of time to ask Him about the direction my life should be headed. And He’s answered me. Pretty specifically, actually. In fact, I’ve been pretty amazed at all He’s had to say.”
“That’s awesome, Nathan.”
“Yes and no.” He paused and his gaze shifted out the window. “What God has been sharing with me affects us both.”
“Really?”
“I know I’ve been distant lately.” His gaze shifted out the window. “I’m pretty sure that’s been a subconscious thing. But I’ve had some issues to work out on my own, things that I couldn’t tell you about.”
“Like what?”
He turned back to face her. “Part of it has to do with school stuff and my future. I’ve put out a lot of resumes over the past few months.”
“Really? Any leads?”
“Yes, actually. I received a job offer last week. A really great one.”
“Nathan, that’s awesome. Where at?”
“Ironically,” he paused. “In Dallas. It’s with an oil and gas accounting firm. With my background in the industry, they felt like I’d be a good fit.”
In Dallas? He’s moving to Dallas? Lord, what are You doing here?
“That’s what makes this next part so difficult,” Nathan drew in a deep breath and shifted his gaze to the car seat.
“Say it, Nathan.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Just say it.” A peace suddenly overwhelmed Jessica and a sense of God’s presence filled the car.
“I, uh, I’ve been thinking a lot about us, too,” he whispered.
“And?”
“And I think—no, I know—that we’re, we’re -”
“Go ahead.” She reached to grip his hand.
“We’re not supposed to get married.” Now his words seemed rushed and his eyes locked into her as he forged ahead with a passion. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Jessica. I do. I’ve always loved you. But I don’t think it’s the same kind of love that a husband would have for a wife. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I’ve been trying, for awhile now, actually, to make myself feel something I didn’t really feel.”
Jessica’s heart soared at his words. How could she possibly be happy with such terrible news? And yet, it wasn’t terrible. “Nathan, you don’t have to say another word.”
“I don’t?” He looked at her intently.
“No. I totally understand. And—” she swallowed hard. “I have to agree. In fact, I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks that I’ve felt the same way. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
A look of sheer relief passed over his face. “Really?”
“Yeah.” She grinned.
He rubbed at his brow. “It’s been torture, hasn’t it?”
“Yes,” Jessica agreed. “And no. I wouldn’t trade our friendship for anything. And God has taught me so much as we tried to force this thing to fit when it really didn’t. And I know that there is a love between us, one we’ve shared since we were kids. Maybe we just misunderstood and thought it was the ‘happily ever after’ kind when it really wasn’t.”
“I never meant to hurt you,” he whispered.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, either.”
“I suppose it would have hurt a lot more if we had discovered this after we got married, don’t you think?” He released her hand and his eyebrows elevated slightly.
“Yeah.”
“Jess, you’re great. And I know God has big plans for your life. I’m sorry I haven’t been more supportive. I’m not really into the opera thing as you can tell.”
She shrugged. “No harm done. And I know the Lord obviously has some big things planned for you, too. But what do we do now? Do you still want to come to Dallas with me for the performance, or should we turn around and take you home?”
“Actually,” he smiled, “I have an appointment with the new company tomorrow afternoon. I plan to stay for your performance then I’ll fly back on the red eye.”
“I see.” She leaned back against the seat and closed her eyes, rethinking all that had just taken place.
Nathan put the car back into gear and pulled out onto the highway. For the next two hours, he and Jessica had one of the best conversations they’d had in months, sharing their hearts, laughing and marveling about God’s goodness in their lives.
***
Colin moped around his apartment in sheer misery. Weeks had gone by, and he couldn’t bring himself to say a word to Jessica about his feelings. Right now, his heart felt like a lump of lead in his chest. Lord, if this is love, I’m not sure I can take it. A prayer arose out of his spirit and poured forth like water tumbling over river rocks. What good is an occupation without a personal life? What if I worked all of my life and had no one to share it with, no one to come home to in the evenings?
Colin could think of nothing worse than coming home to an empty house.
Except, perhaps, coming home to the wrong person in that house. Visions of Katie with those sparkling blue eyes tore at him and Colin knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Ida had been right all along. Katie wasn’t the girl he had been praying for, either. She was awesome. Amazing. Very nearly perfect, in fact.
Just not for him.
“How many people do that, Lord?” he whispered. “How many get defeated and settle for something – someone – less than the person You’ve selected for them?” The idea sent a shiver down his spine. “I’d rather be single forever than settle for the wrong girl. Help me, Father. Help me.”
twenty-three
On the night of the opening for The Bartered Bride, Colin fidgeted with his costume with trembling fingers. Just two more weeks and she’ll be gone forever. Just two more weeks…
He couldn’t seem to stop the thought from rolling through his mind. Jessica would leave him—and the children—and would return to Houston to be married. She would become Mrs. Nathan Fisher in just a few short weeks.
And there was nothing he could do to prevent it.
Every time he considered the possibility of losing her, Colin felt weak in the knees. Children’s program aside. Opera aside. He needed her. In so many ways, she fulfilled him. And yet, she did not belong to him. She belonged to another and he would simply have to get used to that idea, whether it killed him or not.
Just one more time. If I told her just one more time how I feel, she might…
No. To say it again would only complicate an already chaotic matter. She clearly wasn’t interested. She had hardly spoken a word to him in weeks, after all, and there had been plenty of opportunity.
Colin glanced at himself in the mirror once more before leaving the room. A light tap at the door interrupted his thoughts.
A stagehand spoke. “Curtain call in five minutes, Mr. Phillips.”
“Thanks.” He returned to fidgeting with the buttons on his shirt. Another light tap resounded on the door. For some reason, it irritated him and he yanked the door open, ready to do battle. Until his gaze fell on the beautiful angel on the other side. “Jessica?”
“Colin, do you have a minute?” Her eyes seemed to carry a new glow, an anxious glimmer.
“Just a few, actually. They’ve already called us for curtain.” This is it. This is the moment I’ve been dreading.
“I have to talk to you,” she whispered. Her eyes filled with tears immediately. “I wish we had more time.”
“So do I.” Now his eyes filled, as well. “But we’re almost out of time, aren’t we, Jess?” He reached for her hands and squeezed them.
“Yes.”
“But I want you to know,” he now spoke with fervor, “that these last few months have been the best of my life. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I really don’t. You’ve been such a blessing to me. The children have fallen in love with you, and so have…” No. Don’t say it.
“Colin, I have something to tell you.”
“Curtain in two minutes, Mr. Ph
illips.” The stagehand appeared again, this time looking quite anxious.
“Let’s talk as we walk to the stage.” Colin took Jessica’s hand and led her to the backstage entrance. Somehow, with her hand in his, everything in the world felt right again. He could breathe again. He could sing again.
He could live again.
“I just wanted to make sure you knew – before you leave, I mean, how much it means to me that you came to Dallas in the first place.” Colin looked at her intently. “I may never get the chance to say this again, but you’ve been a God-send. You’ve been a direct answer to prayer.”
“Places, please!” The stage manager whispered with a firm hand on Colin’s shoulder.
For a moment, Jessica looked as if she would faint. “I need to talk to you when this is all over,” she whispered. Then, as she crossed the stage to take her place, her green eyes spilled over with tears.
She’s going to miss the children. She’s going to miss singing on this stage. She’s going to miss…
The curtain lifted and an audience full of spectators began to applaud wildly. Colin tried to focus on the show, tried to remember his first lines, but his heart, now torn in two, wouldn’t allow it.
***
By the time the show ended, Jessica found herself in a befuddled state of despair. Many times throughout the performance, she had tried to catch Colin’s eye. Either he simply wasn’t interested anymore, or he was trying to avoid her. At any rate, she must speak to him. Her heart couldn’t wait any longer.
As the curtain came down that opening night, Jessica fought her way through the crowd to get to him. There, in the corner, he stood. Surrounded by lovely prima-donnas. They would have to wait. She had something to tell him. Something urgent. Eagerly, she pressed her way through the group and to Colin’s side. She took his hand and squeezed it to get his attention. “Colin?”
“Jess?” He peered down at her with a look of eager curiosity.
“I need you.”
“Excuse me?” His eyes began to twinkle with a bit of mischief and the girls surrounding him took the cue. One by one, they began to scatter.
“I, uh, I need to talk to you. I have something to tell you.”
“Right now?”
“Right now. It can’t wait. Even a minute.” Jessica couldn’t seem to stop the grin from spreading across her face as she led Colin by the hand to the backstage door. With a triumphant swing, she thrust the door open and they stepped out into the moonlight together. A night of wonder swept her into its trance. “Wow. It’s beautiful out here.” She turned in circles and gazed up at the sky, forgetting for a moment what had led her to this place.
“Sure is,” Colin agreed. “But I’m a little distracted by something more beautiful right now.”
“More beautiful?” She looked at him with heart racing. “You mean…”
“I mean,” he moved a step closer, “I can’t see anything but you, Jess. I haven’t been able to for months. I feel like a blind man staggering around in the dark, and yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen more clearly. Does that make any sense?” He took her by the hand and she immediately felt as if she might never be able to speak again.
When she didn’t respond right away, his words poured out in a torrent. “Of course it doesn’t make any sense.” Colin raked his fingers through his thick, dark curls. “Nothing makes sense anymore, does it? I mean, on one hand, the world looks completely sane and normal. On the other hand, nothing makes a bit of sense. I can’t think straight. I can’t sleep at night. And it’s your fault. No, that’s not right. It’s not your fault. You haven’t done anything. It’s me. It’s all me. I’ve fallen in love with you, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Her heart leaped into her throat and Jessica felt tears welling up in her eyes. “Oh, Colin.” She could hardly contain her emotion and wanted to tell him—quickly—that she shared his feelings.
He took a giant step backwards. “But it’s wrong,” he whispered. A lone tear tipped over the edge of his lashes and he brushed it away with a vengeance. “You’re not mine. And I can’t feel this way. I’m breaking God’s heart.” He leaned against the brick wall in defeat. “I’m breaking my own heart.”
“No.” Jessica reached to run her fingers over his damp cheeks. “No broken hearts necessary. Not God’s or yours. Certainly not mine.” Now the smile spread from ear to ear. She could no longer hide her feelings. I love this man. I have to tell him or I’ll die.
“What do you mean?” He large hands suddenly felt as if they would crush hers.
“I have something to tell you. I’ve been trying to tell you all night, in fact.”
“What, Jess?”
“It’s just that. . .Nathan and I aren’t. . .well, we aren’t Nathan and I anymore.”
“Are you serious?” He let go of her hands and stared at her in wonder and disbelief.
“I’m serious. We decided, both of us, that we couldn’t go through with the wedding. In all honestly, our relationship just wasn’t part of God’s plan for our lives.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No.” Jessica swallowed hard. “After all,” she whispered, “you can’t marry one person when you’re—”
“You’re. . .?”
“You’re in love with someone else.” Her eyes sought out his in the moonlight.
“Do you mean that?” His voice soared with joy.
She nodded, and Colin pulled her close and she laid her head on his chest. His heart raced in sync with hers and she knew, without a shadow of doubt that God had answered every prayer in one heartbeat.
“You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.” He planted tiny kisses on her forehead then lightly traced her cheekbone with his fingertip.
“I love you, Colin. And I’m so blessed. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you.” Jessica choked back the tears that now threatened to overwhelm her. “But do you think there’s any hope for us? Is it too late to start over again?”
With the moonlight guiding the way, Colin’s lips sought out hers to give his final answer on the matter.
twenty-four
The costume director for the Dallas Metropolitan Opera appeared at the door with a gorgeous gown in her hands. “All of the alterations are complete, Miss Chapman.” Her breathless words were rushed. “I’m really sorry it took so long. I just wanted this one to be perfect.”
Jessica looked up from the mirror, where she had carefully applied an adequate amount of stage makeup. “Thanks so much, Amanda. I can’t wait to wear it tonight.” She examined the dress carefully, amazed at the intricate stitching and marvelous colors. “You did an awesome job. I can’t believe how pretty it is.”
“Thanks.” Amanda grinned her appreciation. “You’re going to look beautiful in it. Speaking of which, would you like some help dressing? All of those buttons might present a challenge.”
“No thanks. I’m expecting help to arrive any moment.” As the door to the room closed, Jessica turned to look in the mirror once again. Then, with hands shaking, she stood and reached for the dress. Tonight’s performance would be the opportunity of a lifetime—a chance to place to rest all prior fears and concerns. It would end all speculation and open doors to a beautiful and hopeful future. As she took the stage tonight, Jessica would realize the fulfillment of a dream that had begun years ago, a dream given by the Lord, Himself.
A rap on the door interrupted her thoughts. She pulled her dressing gown tightly around her. “Come in.”
Her mother peeked inside. “How’s everything coming? Need my help?”
“Sure. I’d love that, Mom.”
Her mother entered and smiled broadly as she faced the beautiful gown. “Oh, it’s gorgeous, Jess! You’re going to look amazing.”
Jessica’s anxious fingers tripped over the tiny buttons. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight. For some reason, I’m a nervous wreck.” She pulled the dress off of the hanger and slipped it over her head, nearly get
ting tangled up in the long, flowing sleeves. “I usually don’t get pre-show jitters,” she spoke from inside the layers of chiffon, “but this is so different.”
“What’s that expression you theater people use? Break a leg?” her mother asked as she helped Jessica adjust the gown.
For the first time, Jessica noticed tears in her mother’s eyes. “Right.”
“Well, all I can say is, there’s no way you could possibly sneak in an extra rehearsal for tonight’s show. You have to count on God’s ability to direct this one.” She began the arduous task of buttoning the twenty-five pearl buttons that ran up the back of Jessica’s dress.
“Mom, I can’t tell you how happy I am.” Jessica felt tears arise and immediately began to fan her eyes, hoping not to ruin her makeup. “When I think of how far I’ve come in the past year or two, I’m amazed. God has answered every prayer. Not exactly the way I thought he would, but He has definitely given me the desires of my heart.”
“He’s full of surprises, isn’t He? But I’m not surprised the Lord had chosen to use you in so many ways, Honey. And I know His blessing is on you. Tonight is just the beginning of many opportunities yet to come. I only wish—” Her mother’s voice choked back tears. “I only wish your father could have been here to witness this. And I can’t help but think of all the witty things your grandmother would have said.”
“It’s not the same without them.” Jessica sighed as she held her in a tight embrace.
“No, it’s not.” The older woman stood back with a determined look. “But enough tears for us. You have to be on the stage in just a few minutes.”
“How’s the audience?” Jessica asked as she turned back to examine herself in the mirror one last time.
“Quite a crowd for an opening night performance. They’re here because they love you, Jessica. And I love you too. I don’t know if I’ve said it enough, but I do. And I’m so proud of you. You’ve been such a godly example to all of the children here and you’ve even taught me a thing or two in the past couple of years.”