Kane scoffed. “Liar.”
Kieran glared at his brother. “Fine, I don’t know what I expect. I don’t expect her to wait, but, yeah, I really hope she does. I really hope she comes today and visits me and tells me that she forgives me, that none of this matters to her. That she’s fine with dating an ex-con. Or current con.”
Kane was quiet, letting him rant. A lump in Kieran’s throat made him pause as he thought about Fiona seeing him behind bars. As much as he wanted her to come today and tell him everything was fine, he also didn’t. He didn’t want her to see him like this. He didn’t want her forever to think of him with bars between them. He wanted her to look at him the same way she had over the last few weeks…before she knew the truth.
But he’d blown that chance by not being completely honest with her in the first place.
“Hey,” Jimmy said, walking back into the small gray room that offered as little hope in its decor as it did in its purpose. “So you’ll go before the judge Monday morning. Prosecution is going to recommend thirty days for the violation. Any future offenses or violations, or any misconduct during incarceration, you’ll be made to complete the rest of your sentence.”
Kieran gritted his teeth, absorbing the information. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to flip the table and slam his fist through a concrete wall, but he knew Jimmy had done the most he could by getting him only thirty days. There was no one to blame but himself.
“Thanks for trying, kid.” He nodded toward Jimmy, who just frowned back at him. Kane joined Jimmy by the door.
“I’ll be back on Monday to visit, bro,” Kane told him. Kieran just nodded as a guard entered and motioned him to his feet. He stood, and the guard unlocked his handcuffs from the steel bar on the table, then locked his wrists together behind his back. Then he grabbed Kieran’s elbow and pushed him out of the room past his brothers. “See you Monday,” he told them.
“Be safe, K,” Kane replied.
Jimmy nodded. “See you then.”
Kieran looked back at the guard as they moved through the door and wondered how easy it would be to smash an elbow into his face and make a run for it. The officer was scrawny, not much to look at. Jimmy had told him they’d been hiring younger and younger, bringing in newer and less experienced police officers and guards to fill empty spots. If Kieran really wanted to, he could probably escape. He could start over somewhere new, never returning home again. But he didn’t want a life that didn’t have Fiona.
Even though that might be exactly what he had to look forward to now.
Chapter 19
“Shea, please calm down,” Fiona begged, holding the bag of frozen chicken nuggets in her hands.
“No!” Shea screamed from where she sat at the kitchen table in the Kavanaghs’ house. Her forehead was flat against the table and she was kicking her feet against the chair legs.
Hoping food might help calm down her sister, Fiona lined the nuggets on a plate and popped it into the microwave. “Shea, we have to look at apartments. We need to find a place to live.”
A small foot smashed into the table leg. “Here!”
“This was just temporary, honey. We can’t stay here forever.” Fiona tried to touch her shoulder, but Shea shook her off quickly. Her sister had somewhat average verbal skills, albeit not exactly at her age level. However, when she got really upset and frustrated, she either stopped responding or found a word, or phrase, to repeat tirelessly.
Frowning, Fiona did her best to swallow her own tears. She didn’t want to upset her sister into yet another massive life upheaval, not with Shea’s need for routine. However, she couldn’t expect the Kavanaghs to keep letting her live there rent-free when their son was in prison.
“What is going on in here? That’s quite the ruckus, little one,” Dee said as she walked in and dropped her purse and keys on the counter. “Is this a new one, or is it a continuation of the last one?”
Dee was referring to Shea’s last temper tantrum, which had occurred before Dee had left the house a few hours earlier. While there had been a brief respite, it felt as if Shea had been nonstop up and down since the moment Kieran had been taken into custody. It was wearing on everyone, but Fiona worried most about how her little sister was reacting to the loss.
“Here!” Shea screamed again, a hoarse rasp in her voice.
Dee cocked her head to the side, hands on her hips, as Seamus walked into the kitchen. “Who’s here?”
“She’s upset about having to look at apartments.” Fiona sounded as frazzled as Shea felt. “I can do it without her—I’ll find a babysitter.”
“Why in God’s good name are you looking at apartments?” Dee asked, her brows lifted high and the corners of her mouth turned down low.
Seamus glanced from one woman to the other, then opened the pantry and pulled out a box of cookies. “Hey, Shea, while you’re waiting for dinner, how about a snack?” He held the box up between them. Shea quieted down, eyeing the box.
“Cookies before dinner, Seamus?” Dee sighed. “Really?”
He ignored her, wiggling his eyebrows at Shea and motioning for her to follow him out of the room. “Come on, let’s let your sister and Grandma Dee talk while we spoil our appetite.”
Sugar, of course. Fiona mentally kicked herself for not thinking of that. Despite her need for routine, Shea’s love of sugar had definitely increased, thanks to the sweet tooth all Kavanagh men shared. Shea and Seamus could often be found sitting on the deck, eating cookies, while he told her long stories of his life as he grew up, during what he fondly remembered as the good old days. Shea absolutely loved it, always having questions to ask and wanting to know more. So, still hiccupping slightly from her outburst, she slid off her chair and eagerly followed him out of the room.
As soon as Fiona and Dee were alone, the older woman wasted no time. “Fiona, you can’t move out now with everything going on. That little girl will fall apart in an entirely new way. First, one of her main supporters up and leaves, for jail, nonetheless, and then you want to uproot her from her new home, too?”
Fiona bowed her head, exhaling slowly. “We can’t stay here, Dee. You’ve been so sweet having us these last two weeks, but don’t you think that’s long enough for us to be taking up your time?”
Dee shrugged. “It’s my time. I can give away as much of it as I want. If you’re serious, let me ask you this—do you have first and last month’s rent for a new place? Plus, a security deposit?”
“Um…” Fiona faltered, the answer was definitely no. On all accounts.
“And what about Shea. How will she handle two full moves in less than two weeks? Can she do that?” Dee’s questions might have sounded harsh to anyone else, but Fiona had learned over the last few weeks that Dee was a straight shooter. She gave advice, unsolicited, and didn’t apologize for it.
“Probably not,” Fiona admitted.
Dee gave her a supportive smile. “Then it’s settled. You’ll stay here.”
“Are you sure?” Fiona cringed, guilt swelling in her stomach. “I don’t want to impose on you any more than I already have. But I could use a little more time to save up.”
“Our Lord God says to protect the little babies, and that’s what I’m doing. Shea can’t handle another move right now, and I care about that girl too much to let her world be upended again, especially after my own son is responsible for the most recent disaster.”
Dee was right—Shea couldn’t handle this. She couldn’t be continually moved around, she needed stability. Fiona might not like having to accept even more help from the ever-giving Kavanaghs, but she had no choice.
—
“Fiona, he’s going to keep calling and asking for you,” Casey told her, pouring herself a glass of orange juice.
“I know, I know. I just have no idea what I’m supposed to say,” Fiona said, sipping coffee from a large mug and leaning over the breakfast bar in the Kavanagh kitchen, where all the women had gathered the following Sunday morning. Fiona couldn’t
believe it had been only a week since Kieran had gone back to prison, because it felt like years were slowly dragging by with every night she went to bed without his holding her. The judge had officially given him only thirty days, but not seeing him for another three weeks seemed intolerable.
“I get it,” Clare said as she poured a banana-nut mixture into muffin tins one at a time. “I wouldn’t talk to Rory if he were in prison. Make him suffer for a month—give him a reason not to go back—then forgive him when he gets home.”
“I’m not trying to make him suffer,” Fiona said with a frown, taking another sip of her coffee.
Casey put the jug of orange juice back in the fridge, then picked up her glass. “Maybe not, but he’s suffering all the same. He just wants a chance to explain.” She took a sip.
“I’m not sure there’s anything to explain.” Fiona tried to keep the tears from welling in her eyes. “It’s not like there was some heroic reason why he chose for weeks not to tell me about his past.”
“We don’t know the whole situation,” Nora interjected, trying to play middle field. Sitting next to Fiona, she had her own cup of coffee and was eating a small bowl of blueberries.
“We do, though.” Fiona put down her coffee cup slightly harder than she meant to. “He’s an ex-con, and he never told me. I let my little sister around him, and he still didn’t tell me. I told him that I was afraid, that I wasn’t used to trusting people, and he still didn’t tell me. And is he an addict? Has he been hiding that, too? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around that possibility.”
“Kieran is not an addict.” Casey jumped in immediately, crossing her hands in front of her. “Not even close.”
“I agree. I don’t know Kieran all that well, but I do know addicts. From what I’ve heard about him, and what I’ve seen, he’s not some hard-core drug user,” Clare said, her voice turning sad and quiet as she put the muffin tray into the preheated oven. “Believe me, I’d know.”
“I’m sorry, Clare.” Fiona squeezed her arm gently. She’d heard about Rory’s background and everything he and Clare had gone through when they met.
“It’s okay.” Clare waved her hand to squash the topic. “This is a tough situation.”
“It really is.” Fiona sighed, then stole a blueberry from Nora’s bowl and popped it into her mouth. “Ever since he went back to jail, Shea has been devastated, and she is convinced it’s all her fault for some reason. I feel so lost, so…broken. I have to do what’s best for my sister.” Fiona tried to speak with assurance, but her confidence cracked with each broken seam of her heart. “And letting this kind of pain into her life is definitely not for the best.”
“Plus, he made you miss the gala, so that on its own is heartbreaking.” Clare tried to bring humor back to the defeated mood in the room. “Think of that poor dress still in your closet! The man must suffer!”
It worked, because they all chuckled and shook their heads at her comment, even though their laughter was still heavy and tired. Casey clapped a hand on Clare’s shoulder. “Damn, Clare. Ice cold.”
“I’m teasing, of course,” Clare said with a smile. They all knew, because Clare was sweet to her very core.
“I’m not trying to make him suffer…Do you think he’s that upset?” Fiona finally asked.
“Um, yeah.” Casey put a now-empty juice glass in the sink. “If you’re not trying to hurt him, then what are you doing?”
“I’m just trying to process everything. He lied to me. That’s what bothers me the most,” Fiona tried to explain, her hands clasped around her mug tightly. “I told him how important trust is to me, how much it took for me to allow him into Shea’s life. How do I know anything he tells me over the phone while he’s in prison is going to be the truth?”
The women paused and looked at each other. None looked as if she knew the answer to that question.
“Maybe he had a good reason? I don’t know.” Nora stared down at her cup of coffee. Fiona knew that her best friend had built a friendship with Kieran based on working together these last few weeks, but even she was surprised that Nora continued to give him the benefit of the doubt when the evidence was so clearly against him.
“You could go visit him on Monday if they let you. Harder to lie face-to-face,” Clare suggested, checking on her muffins.
“Except that he’s been doing that ever since the day they met,” Casey answered for her.
The women sat in silence, contemplating the situation. The house was silent: Shea was in the next room reading, and both Seamus and Dee were at Legends, as they were most days. None of the brothers were here, and they weren’t expected to start showing up until Sunday dinner in a few hours.
The phone rang, causing them all to jump.
“Fucking hell,” Casey grumbled as she walked over to the wall phone. The parents, as they were affectionately called, were still pretty old school, and had one of those old-timey phones with a long, coiled cord. “Hello?”
“I bet that’s him again.” Clare eyed Casey nervously. He’d already called twice this morning when he’d been able to find a phone; she doubted he’d be able to manage it a third time.
“I’ll ask, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” Casey said into the phone receiver, before turning to look at her. “Fiona?”
Fiona’s stomach dropped as Casey held the phone out to her with an uncomfortable look on her face. She contemplated her choices. She could continue to push off the confrontation another few weeks until he was out…Or she could talk to him now.
“Okay, okay. I can do this.” She exhaled and stood, walking over and taking the phone from Casey. “Hello?”
“Fi, thank God.” His deep, gravelly voice echoed through the phone, and her chest tightened at his tone.
“Kieran.” She knew her voice sounded pathetic, the need apparent as all she wanted was for him to be standing in front of her with their arms wrapped around each other.
Clare, Nora, and Casey were staring at her, eagerly listening in on her conversation. Tossing them a pointed look, she pulled the cord and walked around the corner into the hallway, in hopes of being alone for a few moments.
“You finally took my call,” he whispered.
She just bit her lip and put a hand on her chest, trying to keep her heart from bursting through her ribs.
“I’ve missed you so much, Fi. I’ve been going crazy not being able to see and talk to you every day,” he said, an echo of her own thoughts.
“What do you want, Kieran?” she finally asked, a slight sob at the end of her words as tears threatened to break.
“I want to wrap my arms around you and feel your heart beating next to mine, but I’ll settle for a conversation,” he said softly, anguish in his tone.
She closed her eyes to keep from crying. “Kieran, I can’t.”
“Do you miss me, Fi?” He sounded childlike for a moment, pain ripping through his tone.
“I don’t know what I miss, Kieran. I never really knew you, did I?” That was the thing that bothered her the most, her complete inability to recognize that the man in her bed was a stranger.
“You know me better than anyone else, Fi. You know me inside and out; you know my heart. You own my heart. My past, my mistakes—that’s not who I am.”
“I want to believe that, Kieran. I want to believe you, but you’ve lied to me. I don’t know what to do with that. I’ve no clue how to feel right now.” She tried to ignore the throbbing in her chest as she thought of him in a cold, lonely cell. “How many days were you even out of prison before we met?”
“Two.”
His admission hit her hard. She knew it had been close, but two days…actually knowing this was too much. “Why couldn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t you be honest with me? You knew how much trust mattered to me, how much I didn’t want to give my heart over to just anyone.”
Kieran sighed through the receiver, and she wished she could see his face. “I’m not just anyone, Fi. We’re different, we’ve got
something people only dream about.”
She couldn’t argue with that. What they’d had before he’d been thrown into the back of a police car had been special. It was fast and over the top, yet perfect for who they were. Or who she’d thought they were. “Then why couldn’t you tell me?” she repeated. “I would have understood, I think. Everyone has past demons, but I have a child in my care. I need to know the type of person I’m letting into her life.”
He exhaled slowly. “I was afraid of what you’d say. I was afraid you’d not want me anymore once you knew.”
Fiona bit her lip. “Did I do something? Did I make you turn back to drugs?”
“What?” He seemed surprised at her question, but it was one of the questions that had been plaguing her for days. “Fiona, how could you even think that? You had nothing to do with this. I didn’t relapse, and I’m not an addict. I did a few recreational drugs back before prison because I was young and stupid and liked to party, but never since. That was a long time ago, Fi.”
She wanted to believe him. So bad. She felt slightly more confident that his family had confirmed this for her already, but the lies still hung over her. She hoped and prayed he was who he said he was. That he wasn’t a drug addict, that he wasn’t a bad influence to bring into her life. Or that she wasn’t a bad influence on him. “Kieran, I want to trust you, but I have to think about Shea—”
“Fi, I adore Shea,” he quickly reiterated, interrupting her. “I’d never hurt her, and you know that. Everything was going so well between us before this. I know I hurt you, and I will do whatever I can to make that up to you, but I don’t want it to ruin what we had. I’m so head over—”
“Don’t say it,” Fiona interrupted him quickly. “The first time you say those words to me, it cannot be when you’re there and I’m here and everything is such a complete mess. We can’t do this, especially over the phone.”
He was silent for a moment, and the phone line crackled between them. “Come visit me, then. We’ll talk about all of it. We’ll make this work, Fi. Please.”
Fiona wondered what it would be like to see him behind bars. The very image tore at her heart, and a sob slipped from her lips. Shea’s face came to mind, and she wondered what example she was supposed to set as a guardian. She’d spent so much time screwing it all up, she wanted to start doing the right thing. For Shea. And for herself.