“You too,” I replied to Madalynne before hanging up.
“Let me guess…Maddy?” Travis said, sarcastically, already knowing the answer.
His brown eyes twinkled as he laughed when I stuck my tongue out at him.
“If I didn’t know any better…I’d think you have a girl crush on her,” he teased, ruffling my blond hair playfully.
“Hey, stop!” I pushed him away, not being able to feign a smile. Travis knew me better than anyone. I could hang out with him every day of the week and never get tired of him. A part of me had always loved him…but as a brother. Luckily, he never passed that imaginary line so I never had to face that awkward moment.
“So, what’s on the agenda?” He asked as he slid his fingers through his short blond mane. “And what in the world are you wearing?”
I looked down at my outfit. He was right. I looked the definition of homely with my two sweaters, sweatpants, and jacket…but to be fair it had been excruciatingly cold the past few weeks, being November. “It’s freezing outside!” I whined.
He looked at me like I had two heads. “That does not excuse your choice in outfit.” He chuckled.
“Oh shut up!” I replied, huffily.
“Well, what kind of trouble do you want to get into?” He looked down at me. Travis was over six feet tall. Anytime I stood beside him, I felt like he towered over me.
“I kind of just want to lay low tonight.” It was true. Travis had been dragging me out along with his friends the past few weekends and while it was fun for the first half, I always felt unstable and ready to go home much earlier than anticipated. Plus, most of his friends couldn’t stand me. Travis tried to hide the fact; but I could see it in their eyes when they looked at me. They always thought he could do better than a friend like me. Luckily Travis didn’t buy into the bullshit. He always made his own decisions…especially when it came to me. That’s what I loved about him.
“Walking dead and snacks?” He offered up. It was our favorite pastime when we stayed in. We would have Walking Dead marathons and stuff ourselves silly with too much sugar and salt.
I nodded, wiggling my eyebrows at him. “Now you’re talking my language.”
“I’ll get the car!” He tossed over his shoulder as he ran out of my apartment. It had been near freezing the past couple of weeks being November, so I was grateful I didn’t have to make the long hike to the visitor’s parking space with him.
He’s going to make someone very happy someday. So why did I feel so guilty that I didn’t see him that way?
I’ve been in foster care for three months and already been through three different homes. No one can handle my frequent outbursts. They all just pass me on like I meant nothing to begin with. So, I’m not normal…who is these days? I saw my mother the other day. It wasn’t much of a surprise—she was working her usual corner. She begged for money and when I didn’t have any basically discarded me like I was yesterday’s trash. She’s not a mother…she’s a monster.
Every day I sit outside my school waiting for the bus…observing life passing me by. My heart hurts when I catch sight of the loving mothers who come to pick up their children. When I hear stories of what they did for their children.
I know I’m a handful…and I know I’m not easy to deal with but I just wish for once I meant something to anyone…anywhere. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world being shoveled between homes and having no real source of stability. No real time to build relationships or bond. I just wish someone loved me. I just wish I wasn’t so easily tossed aside.
Lee
I’ve been in Belize for nearly two weeks. It’s been incredible but still I find myself bored. I’ve had a few hook-ups here and there…but no girl has really even intrigued me. But I’m a guy—and I’m horny so it looks like tonight will be another one of those mindless nights of sex.
Some nights when I’m alone with my thoughts I toy with the idea of finding one girl to settle down with; one girl to give myself to fully. But then I think about Taylor and as quick as I let the idea in, I shove it out without further attention. Taylor was the only girl I ever dated exclusively…the only girl I ever gave my heart to. I thought the sun rose with Taylor and the moon set with her. I was only seventeen years old when I met Taylor Jacks.
I fell in love with her instantly. Whether it was her contagious laugh or her emerald green eyes—she captivated my soul. We were inseparable for nearly two years before she was cruelly ripped away from me. I remember the phone call. It was my 19th birthday and my birthday was ruined every year with the memory from that day on.
“Hello?”
“Lee?” It was Taylor’s sister…she was hysterical. I could tell she was hyperventilating and crying and she couldn’t form full sentences.
“Jess? Is that you? Are you okay?” My heart began beating out of my chest; my mind racing.
She continued to sob incoherently and I knew in that moment nothing was ever going to be the same again. “Taylor?” I asked, positive I didn’t want to hear the answer.
Just the mention of her sister’s name threw Jessica into another round of sobs. My eyes were darting all around my room. I could feel the emotion building inside me. “She’s gone isn’t she?” The minute I said the words aloud I cracked. I threw up after a few moments of letting the idea of her being gone forever sink into my soul; my core.
I shut down entirely after I lost her. I couldn’t bear the thought of moving on with my life and her not being a huge part of it. Our entire college experience had been alongside one another. She was my pillar of support; my rock. I couldn’t imagine ever letting anyone else as close as Taylor had been in fear of losing them. Losing Taylor had nearly been my destruction. If I ever had to face that feeling again—it would be my annihilation.
No strings attached sex seemed like the easiest route. Yet it was anything but. Feelings always got involved no matter how many rules you set before jumping into bed. My hook-ups almost always wanted more from me…something I wasn’t entirely ready to give.
It’s been over two years since I lost her. But I’m still reminded by her daily; subtle little things. There’s one thing I haven’t been able to do since she passed—blondes. It doesn’t matter if they look nothing like her and resemble a rabbit…blondes are too much for me. Brunettes, black, and red heads are enough of a change I can give a good performance and then never talk to them again.
I’ve been checking out this brunette beauty the past few days. Scoping her out—seeing her personality. She’s the bartender at my hotel and we’ve spent the past few nights chit chatting until the wee hours of the morning. I know I need to seal the deal soon if I don’t want to risk her getting attached.
I’m at the bar and she has refilled my drink twice. Now is as good a time as any to go in for the kill. “What do you have planned tonight after you get off?”
She comes closer to the bar and leans her palms on it, flirtatiously. “I thought you’d never ask.”
I grin back at her. Her name is Sonia and her brown eyes and long, sleek black hair suit her perfectly. Her accent turns me on. The way she rolls her r’s. I let my mind wander to what else she could do with that tongue vibration. It’s difficult not to.
“Ten thirty,” she mouths back at me as she pours a shot of whiskey for a fellow patron.
“I’ll be here,” I whisper back before downing my drink and heading back to my hotel. After a few hours have passed I’ve made my way back to the bar, it’s hopping at this time of night. It’s definitely a sight to see…the bar is right on the sand of the beach and with all the lights that are strung, the illuminations are beautiful.
Sonia catches sight of me and I watch as her lips curl up in a mischievous smile. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out what is on her mind. I lick my lips hungrily, wondering how much longer she is going to make me suffer. I literally eye-fuck her until she gets beet red in the face. “I’m getting off now, stop it.”
I smile back, baring my pear
ly whites at her. I’m charming and I know it. Sonia looks flustered; running a hand through her silky black hair.
No more than ten minutes later and I already had her shirt off and her panting heavily. “Oh Lee,” she moans as I kiss and lick her ear delicately. It’s making me harder by the minute. I can feel the blood rushing to my member. This high; even for the short lived time, makes it all worth it.
We hadn’t even made it back to my hotel room. In fact, I had her pressed up against the back of her bar; back by the dumpsters. It wasn’t the ideal place…but neither of us wanted to wait. She was facing the bar, in her bra and jeans and I was pressed up against the back of her; my mouth and hot breaths tickling her neck and ear. “I want you,” I whisper into her ear. I felt her shudder with this.
“Not here,” I hear her say faintly, shifting so she was now facing me. She kissed me eagerly then—I tasted a strange mix of peppermint and vodka.
At this point, I was willing to follow her anywhere. “Lead the way princess.”
I don’t know what changed my mind. I don’t know when I finally made the decision to open Maddy’s letters—but I was glad I did. What I had feared the most had actually given me the strength and courage to move on. Plus she gave me answers to questions I had been holding deep inside myself. Without even realizing it, I had begun to write Maddy back…one letter at first…and then our correspondence grew.
I let myself enjoy the familiarity I got from her letters—but had to keep reminding myself that nothing was ever going to be the same with me and Maddy. We were building a new friendship, and I was simply happy for that. After writing Maddy for over a month she brought up Jacqueline for the first time.
The girl I had once cared so deeply about was trying to set me up with a mutual friend of hers and Parker’s. The situation was all kind of strange. Maddy said there was something different about Jacqueline and that I should get over my fear of online dating and give her a chance. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t intriguing. Madalynne mentioned she was blond...and I instantly put my wall up.
Just give her a chance. Madalynne told me once in one of her letters. I don’t know what happened to you in your past—but Jacqueline has had a really tough one. Don’t judge her by yours—she isn’t judging you on yours. She had a point. I had been avoiding blondes like the plague…but maybe I was being too harsh. Maybe because of my selectiveness I was losing out on potential love.
After close to a month of poking and prodding; Madalynne finally got her way. I sent Jacqueline a Facebook message asking if she might be interested in chatting. For some reason I had butterflies in the pit of my stomach. It was so unlike me. Deep down though knowing that Madalynne spoke highly of Jacqueline—I wanted to impress her just as badly. In a way I wanted Jacqueline to run back to Maddy and tell her how much of a catch I was and how she really messed up. It was a pipe dream—but one I clung to with everything in me. It was really all I had left these days—hope.
The last letter I received from Maddy asked me to be a witness at the courthouse for her upcoming nuptials to Parker. The idea made me sick to my stomach. Marriage really puts things into perspective. I knew it wouldn’t be for another ten months…but getting used to the idea was going to take a bit of time. Secretly, I think that’s why Maddy told me so early, without holding back the information. She wanted to let it sink in; let me digest it. If it were any other way I would have declined the invitation immediately.
I decided a mental break was much needed. After pulling out nearly a thousand dollars from savings, I booked a last minute trip to Berkley, California. I needed out. I needed a change.
Three – Friend Requests & Flirts
Jacqueline
I remember the first close call like it was yesterday. The blood dripping down the back of my leg, Travis’ wide eyes, and my stammering response, “I-I accidentally nicked myself.”
He never pushed the issue. He didn’t ask more questions; just rushed to my side, applying pressure via toilet paper to my wound. I know he saw the scars.
We never spoke about it—we still don’t speak about it. It was awkward enough being caught red handed—so we simply continued on with life as normal as we could.
Another topic we avoid? My disorder. In fact, we dance around the conversation all together. Travis is too much of a softy when it comes to me and always lets my mistakes slide—even when he shouldn’t.
I was lurking around on Facebook, bored out of my mind when a notification popped up. It was a new friend request.
I clicked on the highlighted symbol and was surprised when a handsome male’s photo was staring back at me.
He had brown skin and black hair. He looked like he might be Filipino. Or maybe even Mexican? His name was Lee Bennett. The name sounded so familiar. But I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Then, I clicked on his picture and his profile popped up on my screen.
I glanced quickly at his mutual friends. We shared two—Madalynne Johnson and Parker Grant. It can’t be…
I was still lost in my shock when an IM popped up on my screen startling me.
You really going to leave me hanging like that? Sweating? It was from Lee—I assumed regarding his unapproved friend request.
I wondered what Madalynne and Parker must have told Lee to push him to find me on Facebook. Do I know you? I typed back, but added in a wink face emoticon before pressing send.
Har Har Har, he shot back almost instantly, causing my lips to curve up into a slight smile. Hi, my name is Recently Heartbroken—and you are? He sent after being met with silence on my end.
I laughed a small chuckle before instantly feeling bad. Lee had been the other guy—the one on the side; just like I had been the other girl. We had a lot more in common than I originally thought. Nice to meet you Recently Broken, I’m Fractured.
He had a quick wit and had almost instantly sent back a response. Seems like we have a lot of things in common, Fractured. Unfortunately, they weren’t happy experiences. My friend suggested we get to know one another. She implied we might get along.
I was still giggling. Can we talk normal yet?
Thank God. It’s almost as if I could hear the breath release in his response.
So Maddy thinks we would get along? I guess we better trust her—she seems to always be spot on. I knew I couldn’t sit and chat with Lee all day…I needed to go grocery shopping…but I found myself awaiting a response; completely intrigued.
I’m down if you are tiger, he shot back finally.
Butterflies began rising in my throat. Attraction was never going to be an issue—Maddy and I tended to have the same taste when it came to that. But letting him in; letting him close was what terrified me most. Being let down is the worst feeling in the world.
But his demeanor and quick wit made me want to throw all my inhibitions out the window and against my better judgment, I found myself opening up to the possibility—but only slightly.
Lee
“Better quit that, or people will think we are together!” Austyn pushes me playfully away from her.
“What? You don’t find this attractive?” I joke lightheartedly back.
Her copper eyes widen as her lips curl unwillingly into a tight smile. “You’re disgusting, you know that?” She turns her head away from me, her black Bob slightly dancing with the turn.
A week ago I had an itch to get out of the city and do something spontaneous so I called up my cousin Austyn and was ecstatic when she agreed to come. We had been tight as thieves since we were kids. She is the same age as me, our birthdays are only days apart—she is more like my best friend; my sister. We tell each other everything and have always been there for one another…she had been best friends with Taylor too.
Austyn is in college so I knew it would be nice to get her out of school and do something unexpected for her—so I paid for the entire trip for the both of us. We are both ready to party and explore our new home for the next week. Our destination? The Bahamas. We had packed and hidden quite we
ll a few flasks of alcohol and we knew by the time we were in the Bahamas, it would be legal for us to consume it.
“Don’t look now, but I think someone has the hots for you,” I whisper into Austyn’s ear.
Her eyes light up with fascination. “Where?”
“Don’t make it obvious or anything,” I joke, laughing lightly.
She elbows me in the chest, smiling.
I back up, hands in the air, surrendering. “I’m just being a good wing man.”
“Seriously.” Her eyes shoot around the room, nervously. “Which one was it?”
I grin to myself. I love messing with her. I can basically see the sweat beads forming at the tip of her forehead. I try to stifle my laugh, but am unsuccessful.
“You’re an ass—you know that right?” She turns away from me angrily and begins walking towards the inside cabins.