I grab her arm quickly, stopping her mid-step. “He’s going to be too intimidated with me standing here with you. I’m going to go back to the room, and why don’t you invite him back—we can drink and get to know him in a laid back atmosphere.”
She looks me in the eyes then, her copper eyes bearing into my soul. “Which one?”
I love that she is always up for a challenge. “Skater boy,” I reply before turning away and making my way back towards our room.
It doesn’t take her long. I didn’t think it would. Austyn is undoubtedly gorgeous. Guys fall over her all the time. The funny thing is, she never realizes it. She has this odd self-confidence issue. I’m not sure where it stems from or why she is still so affected by it…but it is the reason she is still single today. It is the reason she is always getting hurt. The guys she dated in the past walked all over her like she was nothing but a dirty rug. I think it tore her down. I wish she saw what I saw when she walked in a room. She is like a magnet—all eyes lock on her. She has no idea that she is a star.
Skater boy is surprisingly really cool. We have a lot in common and he brought a housewarming gift. Austyn is sweet; she gets flustered when illegal activities are occurring. Yet, you can tell she wants to partake always. He lights up the joint, takes a puff and then passes it to me. I can see Austyn’s face reddening by the minute; I notice the awkward jerking movement of her leg. “What’s your name man?” I ask, attempting to pull his attention off of her.
“Avery,” he responds, running his hand through his shaggy long hair.
I finish my hit and then motion for Austyn to come take one. Her eyes are shifting between me and the joint nervously. I nod my head lightly; it always seems to calm her down. She scoots closer to me and takes the rolled piece from my hands, like she is an expert. Sucking in the smoke, holding it, and then letting it out in one long breath. She doesn’t even cough, which makes me give her a mental high five with my eyebrows. I can see a smile forming at the sides of her lips and I nudge her lightly with my elbow.
“I’m Lee, and you’ve already met Austyn.” I point to her and hand him back his gift.
“Excuse me,” Austyn gets up quickly, heading to the bathroom. I watch her walk away and then revert my attention back to Avery.
“So—are you two, like, together?” He finally asks. I have to stop myself from laughing; Austyn had been right for once.
“She’s my cousin dude,” I smile, shaking my head.
Avery looks relieved. I notice his chest fall like he had breathed out a sigh he had been holding in.
“Does she have a boyfriend?” Avery asks, passing me the joint.
I wave my hands in front of my body as if to say I’m good. “Do you think I would let her be here with you, if she did?”
“Oh, I guess not…” He laughs awkwardly, before putting the joint out.
Four – Challenge Accepted
Lee
Berkley, California was exactly what the doctor ordered. I had only been in town for two days and my cousin and best friend had managed to keep me busy and my mind off of Madalynne. In fact, we had been on the go virtually since I stepped foot off the plane, I hadn’t even had a moment to think about anything really.
Austyn knew me too well. She knew my triggers and how easily I could turn on my self-destruction switch and somehow she always managed to keep me at bay when I needed it most. She had this nurturing way of bringing me back down and reminding me what was important.
Avery, Austyn’s boyfriend of two years had been awesome as well. I knew we were going to be great friends the first day we met him on our cruise to the Bahamas. And I was happy to see someone worthy of my cousin step up to the plate. I was tired of her being walked all over and hurt.
Austyn and Avery were my two most favorite people in the world to spend time with. They were so much fun along with adventurous like me; I never knew what they had planned next.
“You hungry man?” Avery turned to me, his long shaggy brown hair obstructing part of his view.
I nodded. “Yeah, actually.”
“What are you hungry for?” I heard Austyn’s voice chime in from the living room. I had forgotten about her supersonic hearing.
“You know, I could really go for some Middle Eastern food right now,” I admitted. My mind was already filling up with images of kabobs and hummus. My stomach began to rumble. I guess I hadn’t realized just how famished I was.
“Austyn and I go to this Persian restaurant down the street called Cyprus, it’s really good. It’s only a couple of blocks down.” Avery offered up, I could see him contemplating his order already.
I nodded instantly. Unbeknownst to Avery, I had dated a Persian girl in high school and had fallen in love with their culture and food. “Let’s go!”
We wasted no time heading to the restaurant.
I was beginning to see more and more firsthand what I wanted my next relationship to be like. Austyn and Avery were so kind to each other, so gentle. And I had yet to witness a fight. But Austyn had informed me multiple times before in conversation that Avery didn’t believe in fighting or confrontation. Austyn said he believed in a resolution by words. I envied him for that. I was known to be a bit of a hot head; especially during arguments and I wished that I had the kind of restraint to hold back—cool down—and simply talk things out.
“How do you guys feel about blind dates?”
“Do you have a blind date?” Austyn’s eyes shot up, in fascination.
I laughed at her reaction. It wasn’t really a blind date. But I had no idea what to call it. A blind set up? That didn’t really fit either. “Not necessarily,” I found myself saying.
“Spill.” Austyn stared me down—her copper eyes fixated on nothing but my lips.
I couldn’t help but crack a smile. “It’s complicated.”
Avery was now piercing me with his stare. “Give us the cliff notes version.”
Where do I even begin?
“Madalynne,” I began before Austyn rudely interrupted me by waving her arms madly.
“I thought this trip was to get over Madalynne—not to dredge up old feelings…”
“It is,” I replied, honestly.
“Then why are we hearing her name?” She asked, curiously.
“She wants to set me up with a friend of hers…well, hers and Parker’s…” I trailed off, knowing how crazy it must sound. Damn, it sounded insane to me just relaying it back.
“Wait—wait—wait.” Austyn shook her hand in front of my face wildly. “You’re telling me that the girl that broke your heart wants to set you up with a friend of hers, who is also coincidentally friends with the guy she chose over you?”
I nodded, remaining mute.
“And what’s holding you back?” Her question threw me off guard. It was not one I had been prepared for in the least.
“You think this is a good idea?” I shifted my eyes between my boisterous cousin and her boyfriend who had been suspiciously quiet during our whole interaction.
Avery spoke then, “you’re the one who is always preaching to us about taking risks, not looking back, reaping the rewards. Right? So what in the world would stop you from accepting this challenge?” His advice was spot on. He was right. When had I ever been afraid?
“And plus, you deserve to be happy,” Austyn said softly, squeezing my shoulder.
I smiled back at them. “I’d like that.”
Jacqueline
“Show me,” she says, eying me sternly.
Yeah, right.
“You wanted my help right?” Ms. Brown asks. “Well in order for that to happen I need to know how deep you are in this.”
Ms. Brown, or as she likes to be called Kim is the youngest therapist I have ever been to. I liked her almost instantly because she could easily relate. But what she’s asking is so out of my comfort zone.
“If you don’t show me, I have no choice but to release these records to the hospital,” she threatens.
I star
e in her eyes for a long time, daring her to follow through with her threat. In the end, I’m the one who loses. She has me admitted into Pinecrest. She says it’s for my safety.
My admin papers state it is for self-harming and suicide watch. Normally when something this life altering and embarrassing happens you worry about your reputation and what people will think about you.
I don’t have that luxury. The only thing I ponder is if Travis will find a way to locate me.
I wake up every morning and chant the same mantra, ‘you’re not crazy—you just have an addiction you need to get over.’
It works well enough. I’ve been at Pinecrest for a week and already find myself wondering how I made it so far in life without Lucky.
Lucky reminds me what it feels like to be happy; to feel alive. Always smiling and positive; she opened up to me almost immediately. ‘Honey, you remind me so much of myself when I was a young girl.’ I can recall her saying.
Lucky has attempted to end her life on three separate occasions, unsuccessfully. She is the butt of many jokes due to her name and the third time’s a charm rule not working. She is familiar with Pinecrest and has been admitted three different times. The rumors are that she just wants attention. I close them out. She has been and is a wonderful mentor for me.
Five – Silence is Deadly
Jacqueline
My head rolled back, dizziness taking me over slowly.
It had been two days, seven hours, and nineteen minutes since I had last indulged. Not that I was counting or anything…but the release was just what I needed; what I had been craving.
After sitting in silence for fifteen minutes—I made myself get moving. I blotted my leg, and then quickly put a Band-Aid on the back of my leg. I knew it wasn’t normal—I worried all the time no one would be able to accept it. I worried one day I would run out of landscape to mess with and when that time came, no one would want me.
I opened the door to my bathroom and walked out, headed to my computer. I glanced at the clock above the desk. I had about an hour and a half before I needed to get ready for work.
I signed into Facebook and was surprised to find another correspondence from Lee. It had been from earlier that morning.
“Hey, you up?” It read. I looked at the time sent. 4:42 am. Wow, either he was a night owl or an extreme early bird.
I noticed his picture had a green dot on it—meaning he was still online.
I am now—what’s up? I wrote back, curious as to his intentions.
I just got back from the most amazing run, he wrote. You?
He was an extremist, alright. I just woke up, I shot back, lamely.
Oh, right—it is early there. My bad, Lee replied.
No worries.
So, what are your plans for the day? Lee typed.
Work, unfortunately, I replied.
Where do you work? He seemed very interested in getting to know me and wasn’t afraid to show it.
I work for my friend’s mom with horses. I knew how much I loved and enjoyed the work I did—but my explanation just sounded lame.
You work with horses? What an awesome job. His response surprised me.
You like horses?
I love horses. Sometimes I think I was a horse in a past life—running wild and free. Is that weird? His answer made me smile. I had yet to see why Maddy had dumped him…except for the biggest reason of all, Parker.
So, what animal do you think you were in a past life? Lee asked after being met with silence for several minutes.
I thought silently to myself before responding. I think I was a bird—one that flew high above the trees and looked over the land.
Who’s the weird one now? He placed a silly emoticon at the end of his sentence, hinting at his joke.
You intrigue me, Mr. Bennett, I teased.
Mr. Bennett? Did we take a step backwards? Why are you addressing me so formally? Lee is cool too… I could practically picture a confused smile spreading slowly across his face.
I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m still picking up the pieces. I have a lot of issues—ones that will make you run the other way. Do you really want to waste your time with someone like me? I had no idea what brought on my sudden case of honesty or why I felt like being so candid with a total stranger…but there was something about Lee, something I couldn’t put my finger on—I knew this much; I felt like I could trust him.
Tell me one thing you think will make me run the other way and I will surprise you with my answer. He pushed.
I sat, without typing anything for minutes…there were so many to choose from. I was broken and damaged and Lee had no idea what kind of baggage I carried. But for one reason or another I found myself not able to hold back.
Here goes nothing.
I am bipolar… I typed timidly.
I sent it and then waited.
And waited some more.
Nothing.
I looked at his picture and noticed the green dot was missing notifying me that he was no longer online.
Son of a bitch.
Color me surprised…
Six – Progress Report
Lee
I’m kind of an asshole. I know it. I just hadn’t been expecting her to be so open and honest with me. And her disorder? I knew little to nothing about it, so after a night or two of mulling it over, I decided to curb my curiosity by researching it.
Bi-polar disorder: A condition in which a person has periods of depression and periods of being extremely happy or being cross and irritable.
I sat back—taking it in. It was a bit overwhelming for me. I avoided getting online for days as I let reality sink in. I was so not one for drama…and I loved having a good time and being happy. If I had to worry constantly if my partner was okay or happy and not depressed and irritable, that just seemed like an unnecessary stress I didn’t need.
Why can’t I just find someone normal?
Not wanting to deal with it as usual, I did what I was best at—avoidance and self-destruction.
Before I even knew what was happening—I was at my favorite dive bar, The Bar to Nowhere, downing my second Fireball shot.
My favorite distraction had always been alcohol and slutty girls…until Maddy. But it seemed like I was having no trouble falling right back into my old patterns when I texted one of my usual hook-ups, Cami to meet me.
She looked sluttier than usual, if that was even possible. Her skirt barely covered her tight ass and her boobs had come out to play.
Normally I would feel the blood rushing to Willie almost instantly when I caught sight of Cami’s strawberry blond hair cascading over her double d’s. Her green eyes always held a hint of playfulness. And when she would bite her lip—it would make me all sorts of crazy.
As sexy as Cami had been to me, I also found myself turned off by her. The fact that she tried so hard was unattractive. I was one for the chase—and Cami gave up before the race even began—it was almost too desperate.
She was so high maintenance and I had a feeling she would turn into Medusa and crush my dreams if I ever gave her my heart—I had just seen how much of a malicious person she was and I wanted no part of it…but the sex—the sex was amazing.
“Hey you,” she purred as she rubbed the back of my hair with her long fake nails.
Normally she knew that would drive me mad. But something was off tonight. I wasn’t horny in the slightest. Just get laid and forget about today. The devil on my left was telling me. The angel on my right was saying, what the hell are you doing here? This isn’t what you really want.
“You want a drink?” I found myself asking instead.
“A vodka cran.” She never took her eyes off of me.
I signaled the bartender and watched as he hurried over. “Vodka cran for the lady and another Fireball for me.”
“You got it,” Todd nodded back at me. I came to this bar enough to know the entire staff and even some of the usual patrons.
If it wasn’t already obvio
us enough—Cami applied the perfume she knew could make me do things without thinking—she was playing the game perfectly tonight.
Normally I wouldn’t blink twice before taking her back to my place and ripping all her clothes off—but even the thought of getting laid was a buzz kill tonight.
Todd brought back our drinks and my shot was gone—down the hatch within seconds of clinking our glasses. I was beginning to feel it—the numb feeling I had grown so accustomed to since Taylor. It was the one steady thing in my life I could count on no matter what.