I only made it to the mailbox, but hey, I was willing to celebrate the small victories if need be.
I pulled my mound of mail out of it and stuffed it all under my chin, running back across the parking lot to my apartment.
I threw the stack on the table and kicked off my shoes. It all looked so overwhelming, something that would normally have me spinning out of control—but there, amongst the ads, the bills, the postcards was a bright red envelope. If that didn’t demand attention, I wasn’t sure what would.
I hurriedly pulled it from the pile, staring intently at the address label. It can’t be…
I ripped it open, without another thought, my heart pounding wildly.
It was a letter from Lee.
Nineteen – A Growing Fascination
Lee
Hawaii was warm and pleasant, sunny and beautiful. I had awoken with the sun and enjoyed a good two hours of killer waves.
Once I made it home, I quickly stripped off my wetsuit and hopped into the shower letting the hot water trickle down my back—my head deep in thought.
I hadn’t let myself go there—to think about her because I half expected never to hear from her again—but it didn’t mean I wondered any less what she thought after reading my epic handwritten letter.
I was hoping it would help her understand where I had been coming from; help her understand me. I wanted to explain why I had been such an asshole and why I couldn’t move past my own issues to jump head first in with her. For all I knew, I had lost my chance.
I ran my hand through my wet hair, sighing softly. I had really put myself out there; the first time since the Madalynne scandal. The thought of caring for anyone as much as I had for Taylor or Madalynne with the possibility of losing them was an immobilizing feeling.
Damn it Jacqueline.
She could be my destruction; my demise. I told her I was basically willing to relinquish all power¸ a ballsy move for someone like myself.
After drying off and getting dressed, I picked up my cell pressing speed dial number one. A familiar high pitched voice answered on the fourth ring.
“I’m going to tell you this—but I’m only going to tell you once; I’m ready to stop being afraid.”
I heard a long spout of air being released on the other end after my confession. “You have no idea how long I have been waiting for you to say that.”
“I want to be a good person Austyn, I’m tired of hurting innocent people—I’m tired of running from my problems.” My answer was surprising, yet sincere.
“What happened to you?” Austyn asked, dumbfounded; surprised I was willing to relinquish my player ways for one girl…
“She changed me Austyn. I don’t know what it is—but she drives me crazy in the best and worst possible ways. She challenges me—doesn’t put up with my shit. She needs me.”
“Whoa, remember you want to live your life for you. Not for some other person.”
I nodded before realizing she couldn’t see me. “I am doing this for myself Austyn—I want her in my life…and as much as she needs me, I think I need her.”
“Please tell me we are talking about a spunky blond,” Austyn gushed.
“Of course we are, who else would we be talking about?” I chuckled into my receiver.
“With you—virtually anyone! God Lee, I am so proud of you. You are growing up.” Austyn’s voice was soft and genuine.
“Thanks cuz,” I said before exchanging goodbyes. Without missing a beat, I anxiously raced outside to check my mailbox. It had been close to three weeks since I had sent my letter—but I had been watching my mail closely; waiting, hoping for anything.
As I pulled the pile that had been squished into my tiny assigned box, I saw it. It appeared to be a card. I ripped it open without bothering to see if it was even from her.
The card was blank on the inside, except for one sentence scribbled neatly on the inside:
Lilies are my favorite type of flowers.
I cracked a smile instantly, she was letting me in; it was the olive branch I had been wishing for.
Before I had completely comprehended what my body was doing, I was texting Jacqueline…I couldn’t help myself. Lilies eh? No love for roses? They’re a classic.
Even though I was a little upset she hadn’t addressed any part of my letter, I was thankful she was giving me an in of any kind—large or small.
Following that day I received about a letter a week—our communication growing daily.
Jacqueline
His letter was…something else. There was no way I could ignore him after I read it and really gave it the attention it deserved. After I digested all of his confessions.
The texts and phone calls followed shortly after; the intrigue growing more and more with each and every one.
We had such a strange history and story—I wanted to go slow this time. Really get to know one another before jumping straight back into bed.
I wasn’t prepared when he brought up my secret while on the phone late one night. He asked a direct question pertaining to my legs. It really startled me. How sloppy had I been when he had visited?
There was no way he would want to give us a shot if he knew how invested I still was with my addiction.
And then he surprised me with some direct questions.
“Why do you do it Jac? Is it because you’ve become accustomed to it? Is it because you crave it? Or is it because you don’t feel good enough about yourself?”
I couldn’t form a proper answer.
“What can I do to help? What needs to happen to change your focus?”
I swallowed loudly, this was really happening. I was discussing my dark addiction with Lee…and even though my heart was racing beyond control, he managed to make me feel safe. To make me feel like I could trust him.
“Ya know, all I’ve ever wanted was to love someone unconditionally and for that someone to love me back equally. My entire life I chased after that dream. My mother had let me down, my father had walked out…I never felt like it was something that I deserved. Maybe if I was a better child my mother wouldn’t have turned to the drugs and alcohol. Maybe if I did my homework and didn’t talk back, my father wouldn’t have turned his back on us and walked out.”
I could hear Lee sigh loudly in the background. “You are not the reason you had such a shitty upbringing. You need to learn to stop blaming yourself. Stop taking their mistakes out on your body!”
No one had ever been that blunt with me about it. I remember Travis had tried…but I hadn’t been ready to hear him out. But I heard Lee loud and clear.
“I have one more question before I let you get some sleep,” Lee said softly then.
“Okay.”
“Do you love me?” He asked, cockily.
“Of course not, you ass!” I retorted quickly.
Lee chuckled loudly. “You’re going to fall so hard for me—you’re going to face plant in it,” he exclaimed; I could practically picture his eyes sparkling at the crazy notion.
I giggled at the silliness of it all.
“You’ll see…” He trailed off. “I’m going to be your knight in shining armor.”
“Alright, goodnight Romeo.”
“Goodnight Jac. Sweet dreams.”
I rolled over after hanging up the phone and buried my face in my pillow. I didn’t let it on then, but I was already beyond infatuated with Lee. Our phone calls had become a nightly ritual and it was rare if they were shorter than an hour or two.
Sometimes he would call me and we would each turn on the same Pandora stations and simply listen to the music; he said it made him feel closer to me. Even if we sat on the phone, saying nothing, yet listening to the same music—I felt it too.
I had confided in him about a few things that were very personal to me and he still called back the following day. Something had changed about him…there was something deeper driving him now. He was persistent…It was sexy. I loved the feeling of being chased.
He had n
o idea I was basically eating out of the palms of his hands. He had no idea how strongly my inner feelings had developed for him over the past few weeks. One more push and he would have had me…all of me. My feelings consumed me; he consumed me.
Twenty – A Shock to the Heart
Lee
We had been conversing back and forth on good terms for a little over a month and a half, and I could feel a trust forming; feelings growing stronger by the day.
Even though Jacqueline and I were in completely different states, we kept it interesting by talking on multiple platforms—Facebook, texts, calls, and even Skype.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I didn’t want anyone else.
No, she wasn’t perfect; in fact, she was probably the furthest thing from it, but in a way it made her more endearing. The idea that I could help her significantly improve her life was a high of its own.
“You should come visit me in Hawaii,” I suggested one day on the phone, during one of our hour long conversations.
“You know how I feel about flying,” Jacqueline sighed, defeated then.
“Well you know how much it scares me to pursue this; us—but I am jumping in head first; facing my fears.”
“It’s not the same,” her tone was dejected.
“Yes it is!” I exclaimed huffily. “It’s exactly the same thing. Do something that terrifies you for once in your life Jac, the outcome may surprise you.”
She sighed long and hard, then silence filled the air.
“I’m terrified to go visit my mom in jail; I’m terrified of what she will have to say.”
“Jac…” I began but she continued talking.
“I always thought Travis was going to be the one to go with me—the one to hold my hand the entire way through—the one to give me the courage to face her.”
It was frustrating when she brought up Travis—it was hard to compete with a lifelong best friend who had never wronged her. I never felt like I stacked up. In some ways I worried that Travis had always been the one for her but she settled for a lost cause like me.
“I don’t think I can do it…I don’t think I can face her alone…”
“I’ll go with you,” I said simply.
“What?”
“I said, I’ll go with you,” I repeated.
“Are you serious?” Her voice raised in pitch, a cute nervous trait I had noticed she carried.
“Yeah, on one condition. After I fly out to Montana and help you face your mother, you will fly back with me to Hawaii for a week.” It seemed like a decent trade.
“Lee…” she began to speak but I cut her off.
“No excuses Jac, it’s time to really begin living your life. Let me show you a whole new world.” Okay—sometimes I could be a cheeseball. I knew I had made some sort of progress when I heard her chuckle at my Disney reference.
“I have no money saved up Lee.”
“Let me take care of that. You just worry about mentally preparing yourself for all that is about to come.”
“Alright Aladdin,” she said so softly I had to strain to hear it.
“What was that?” I pressed.
“I said—deal.”
My call waiting began beeping unexpectedly then. I glanced at the screen of my phone.
Dad.
I hadn’t spoken to my father in a few months. We never had a terribly close relationship.
“Jac, can I call you back? My Dad is on the other line.”
“Oh yeah. Of course.” She clicked off without a goodbye.
I switched to the other line and pressed the green answer button.
“Hello?”
My father’s voice sounded rough; hoarse. “Hello Lee.”
“Hey Dad, what’s up?” I glanced at the clock quickly noting the conversation would probably last no more than five minutes—plenty of time for me to call Jacqueline back before she would need to go to bed.
“I don’t know any other way to say this than to just say it…” he trailed off.
“Whatever it is, just say it.” My heart was hammering against my chest with each second that passed.
“They found your mother’s remains at Titan Park, underneath some shrubs and bushes along the hiking trail.”
It felt like my ears were ringing and I wasn’t even sure I fully comprehended his words.
They found mom? I swallowed loudly, blinking back tears. “What happened?”
“They were investigating a string of murders that began ten years ago and they are still finding patterns—they think it is a serial killer; one they are deeply investigating. They said your mothers wounds were very similar to the other remains they have found all over Oakland, San Francisco, and even Berkley.
I wasn’t sure how to respond. She hadn’t left us—she had been murdered.
Guilt weighed heavily on my heart knowing I ever entertained the idea that we weren’t good enough and that’s why she split.
A single tear ran down my cheek slowly. “Thank you for the call.” I hadn’t meant to be so stiff or formal, but our relationship was only used to it.
“You’re welcome—I figured it would help you stop blaming me.” His tone sounded so sad, I almost felt bad for the past seven years.
“I never blamed you…I just wanted you to try harder to find her…I was a teenager, I needed her.”
“I never stopped looking for her Lee, I never stopped researching. I need you to know that.”
“What are you talking about?”
He cleared his throat. “I have been in contact with the police since her disappearance, I just kept it to myself because I didn’t want to get your hopes up—shatter your dreams. Like you said, you were a teenager…I wanted to wait to discuss any of my ideas or theories with you until I knew you could handle it.”
His confession made me angry. I could have been helping with the search for my mother from the very beginning. Maybe if I had, we would have found out the truth earlier.
“I don’t think that was your choice to make.” The venom in my voice was more than apparent.
“Look I’m sorry for the decisions I made in the past, but I can’t go back and change them.”
“No, you can’t.” I hung up the phone then, tossing it across the room.
I threw my head into my hands and cried for the fifteen year old me who had blamed his mother for walking out and leaving his family. I cried for the present me who was coming to terms that he would never see his mother again…something that had always been my biggest fear.
When was losing people you loved going to get any easier?
Twenty One – Unfair Circumstances
Jacqueline
The lights and sirens would have been alarming to anyone else…but I am different.
‘What has she gotten into now?’
I pick up my pace towards my front door taking note of the police officers scattered about.
‘Maybe she was caught stealing again?’
As soon as I step through my front door, I drop my backpack immediately at the sight of my mother in handcuffs.
“Umm, excuse me officers,” my voice comes out shaky and high-pitched. “Can I ask what she has done?”
The portly looking man turns his gaze on me. “Oh Rebecca, you didn’t tell me you had a daughter.”
My stomach sinks. Something isn’t right. Where’s the normal warning?
“Is she going to jail?” I ask another question, hoping for an answer this time.
“Sweetheart, I think we need to take you down to the station—where we can have a talk.”
Again my stomach dips.
“Why won’t you tell me anything?” I’m surprised at the fear rising within my voice.
“What’s your name sweetheart?” His tone remains calm and his eyes kind.
“Jacqueline,” I hear my mother answer for me.
“Jacqueline, that’s a beautiful name.” He addresses me softly.
“Thank you.” My reply comes out just as soft.
>
“Your mother was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Do you understand what I am saying?” The officer asks.
I shrug lightly. “Does this have to do with drugs?”
He sighs loudly then; nodding his head.