Sixteen – Forbidden Feelings
Lee
“Pour me another,” I droned to my usual bartender at my usual hole in the wall.
“Another one of those nights?” She asked, her eyebrows raising.
“Please Ashli, I’m not in the mood,” I yawned, acting as bored as possible.
“Fine, but don’t expect me to listen to any more to your useless ramblings.” She slammed my drink down next to me then stomped away, her butt firm as ever.
Normally I would be willing to eat M&M’s off that ass. But as of late, I was having trouble even arousing myself.
There was something missing in my life.
Passion.
I had been fooling myself thinking that I could ever find anyone comparable to Taylor—she was truly one of a kind.
I didn’t want anyone like Madalynne because I was afraid of my heart being risked again.
And then as unstable and reckless as she was—there was Jacqueline. I swear that woman was driving me nuts.
Part of it was how I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Even after blocking her—I still awoke from dreams and nightmares alike where she had a starring role.
It had been months since we had last spoken and I had been on countless dates with other women, but all pared in comparison to her—how was that?
I’ll tell you what it was—it was her spiciness—she always kept me guessing.
I was tired of going through the same repetitive days, routines, even schedules. It was always the same. I was losing my zest for life—for love. I needed something to shake up the ordinary.
My heart began to race out of control; my palms instantly sweaty. My breathing became stiff and staggered.
If someone would have told me a month ago that I would be doing this—I would have laughed in their face.
Yet, there I was, still as a board, my phone in my hand—and a familiar number and name highlighted.
I squeezed my eyes closed tightly and held my breath as I pressed call…
Jacqueline
“Give it back!” I pouted sprawled across Travis’ lap, reaching for the remote.
“Come and get it,” he taunted playfully, a mischievous grin taking over his face.
“Maybe I will!” I shot back as I pounced even harder onto him.
We had been near inseparable since the incident. We had avoided the conversation altogether—something we had become all too familiar with. But Travis had been a constant in my everyday life since he found me. And we were growing understandably close. It didn’t help that I felt forever indebted to him for taking care of me that day—for being my savior.
I heard snapping in front of my face.
“What the hell?” I asked, coming back to reality.
“Where did you just go then?” Travis asked, referring to my space out.
“Nowhere.” I shrugged.
“Right.” I watched as he rolled his eyes then instantly shifted the power by pouncing on me. His big strong body was on top of mine on the couch and if that wasn’t enough, he had taken to tickling me.
I was laughing so hard at one point that I lost my breath. I was grasping at my sore sides, attempting to massage out the laugh pains I was getting—when I saw the expression change on Travis’ face.
I knew then that it was going to happen—our first kiss.
I was swallowing repeatedly, trying to get past my cottonmouth. I was about to kiss my best friend…and I didn’t deserve him.
I puckered my lips as his inched closer, closing my eyes.
This was it. In a few seconds I would be kissing Travis. The mystery would be over. Of course I had wondered about this moment…he was a handsome devil.
When I didn’t instantly feel his lips on mine, I slowly peeked out of one of my eyes only to catch Travis staring down at the coffee table, my cell phone vibrating wildly.
My mind was racing.
Should I answer it?
It seemed like such a buzzkill. It had ruined our near perfect moment. But with Travis’ eyes burning holes into me, I swallowed then maneuvered myself out from under him before I went to reach for it.
I glanced at the illuminated screen before pressing the button to answer.
There was no way.
The name staring back on the screen of my phone along with his irritatingly beautiful smile had my heart racing a mile a minute.
Lee was calling me.
Lee was calling me and Travis was sitting next to me; we had just been about to kiss. It was a catch-22.
If I answered, I could almost picture the curiosity and sadness in his eyes. If I passed it up, I would play the what-if game until eternity. See what I said? A catch-22.
“Are you going to answer that?” Travis tried to catch a glimpse of the screen of my phone, obviously trying to solve the riddle of who my mystery caller was.
I pulled the phone closer to me, took a deep, silent breath, and then clicked the green button to pick it up.
“Hello?” I answered, breathlessly, my heart thumping loudly.
“Hello?” I asked again, only to be met with silence.
Click.
Son of a bitch.
Seventeen – Left For Dead
Lee
“Hey man! Wait up!” I heard my friend and also client shout from behind my back.
“Oh, sorry dude.” I slowed my pace so Dan could catch up.
He was huffing and puffing like I had never seen him do before. “Are you okay? Do you want some of my water?”
Had I really been going that fast? The idea was absurd—it was normal for me to finish the mile in four minutes—so any quicker than that and Dan probably thought I was on crack.
He was still catching his breath when I handed him my water bottle. “I’m sorry man, I had no idea I was running that fast.” Honestly, it all felt like a bit of a blur to me.
“Like a bat out of hell?” Dan finally choked out.
I chuckled. “I said I’m sorry okay?”
He finally cracked a smile. “So, what has been up with you lately? You’ve been hard to track down.”
I shrugged my shoulders as I wiped the back of my hand across my drenched forehead.
“Do you ever think about settling down?” I asked as he handed my water bottle back to me.
“Like with one woman?” Dan asked for clarification as I took a swig of my water.
I nodded my head, remaining silent.
“Oh God no! Not when there is so much grade A pussy in the world! I’m not well versed yet in all the different types…Vietnamese, Australian, Belgian…I’ll probably entertain the idea in ten years.”
“Dan, you’re thirty,” I pointed out.
“And your point?” He looked at me like I had sprouted a second head. “Listen Lee, I admire you for your ambition to go down such a road—but I’m not one for self-destruction.”
“Ambition?” I looked into his eyes—angry he had made such an assumption. “You don’t think I can do it, do you?”
“What? Stop fucking the entire female race? No, I don’t think you can do it. We’re creatures of habit, you and me. It’s in our nature. We’re cut from the same cloth. Sue me.”
I pushed him roughly away from me. “I can and I will—and you can find a new trainer from now on.”
I began to walk away from Dan when I heard his deep voice behind me. “Oh, you’ll be back. You always come back. Nothing compares to freedom.”
I turned around so we were now facing each other. “See, that’s where you’re wrong—if forced to make a choice, I’d choose love every time…guess we’re not cut from the same cloth after all.” And with that I turned my back to the douchebag I used to call my friend.
A weight felt like it had been lifted off of my heart. I knew then what I had to do…
***
A few hours later I was seated at my kitchen table with a number two pencil and a stack of blank sheets of paper.
At first I sat there, just staring at the blank
pages—waiting for something to happen…and then suddenly words were flowing freely through my fingers and to the paper.
Jacqueline,
It’s been over a month since we last talked. I know I don’t deserve a second of your time, but suppose you’re still reading this—then I would say you terrify me.
Jacqueline
Since I was a little girl and I began self-harming I always hoped and dreamt and wished for someone who would love me for me and take me away from the pain. Someone who would help me fight my addiction. Someone who could help me curb it. Someone I would love more than it.
At first, I thought that someone was going to be Parker—but that was short lived.
And then there was the minor stint I like to call Lee, or rather the mistake…and then, after knowing him my entire life and never thinking of him that way, Travis. But something wasn’t right; something felt off.
The burning desire to bring the blade to my flesh had only intensified and was overwhelming.
Why wasn’t my fairy tale working out?
Earlier, somehow, Travis and I had fallen asleep together on my bed—completely innocent but I had woken up around three a.m., I knew because my bedside clock was illuminated as I slipped out.
I hadn’t planned on ending up here…especially with Travis in my bed, but after perusing the fridge for five long minutes I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I ended up back in the same spot and position I had hungered for with every inch of my being.
Because of my last big incident I didn’t have the courtesy of a bathroom door yet—Travis had planned on replacing it, just got wrapped up with, well…me.
So as to draw as little attention as possible, I was doing it in the dark—basically blind.
As my skin ripped open, I tilted my head back, taking a deep breath—this was my release…this was what I lived for.
I didn’t hear him through my euphoria—but the bright light assaulting the corners of my eyelids told me I had been caught.
Not two seconds later and I felt the blade being ripped out of my hand and then just as my eyes flew open I was met with a rough slap across the face.
I grabbed at my sore cheek, my eyes the size of tennis balls. I can’t believe Travis just hit me.
“It’s the only way I knew I could get you to listen,” Travis’ voice came out in stilted breaths. “I’m tired of fighting for you when you won’t even fight for yourself.”
I was still rubbing my cheek but not so much to ease the pain—more so as a calming effect, because I was pretty sure Travis was done with me.
And then he said the words that would crush me.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“No!” I shrieked, falling instantly at his feet—the thought of losing Travis was tearing me apart. “Don’t leave me, I can’t do this without you!”
Travis remained still, my arms tightly wrapped around his right leg; holding on for dear life.
“Get up J,” Travis boomed from above my head.
I remained crouched on the ground, still sobbing when Travis’ voice came through again.
“Stand up Jacqueline.”
He didn’t have to say it a third time; my legs needed no further instruction. I was standing staring up into Travis’ sad brown eyes and dejected face.
Yeah fucker—you did this.
“Get help J, before it’s too late.” And then he reached his hand up to softly rub the spot he had hit earlier.
Before I even knew what was happening he leaned in. His lips brushed up against mine with a bit of urgency and sadness. I was trying to pull him in, closer—when he suddenly ripped away from me.
“Get that cleaned up before you bleed out.” He was pointing to my open gash.
I glanced at it, my cheeks burning up. He was right, there were drips of blood all over the floor.
“Goodbye Jacqueline.” And then he was gone—and my legs crumpled underneath me. All that was left was my limp body on the floor of the bathroom—bawling my eyes out.
How will I ever get through this without him?
Eighteen – Small Steps for Mankind
Lee
Jacqueline,
It’s been over a month since we last talked. I know I don’t deserve a second of your time, but suppose you’re still reading this—then I would say you terrify me.
I have only ever loved two people. Two polar opposites. Taylor and Madalynne. Taylor was my high school sweetheart, I always imagined my happy ending with her, and then she was violently ripped away from this world. They said she died on impact; that she hadn’t felt an ounce of pain. I wanted to believe that more than anything.
The semi-truck driver had fallen asleep at the wheel; a freak accident they called it. He walked, nothing more than a few minor scratches and bruises. Can you imagine knowing you are solely responsible for ending someone’s life? He definitely got what he deserved, a life full of memories and regret that will eventually eat him alive.
After Taylor, I couldn’t fathom ever caring for another to that extent again—so I became another version of myself; a darker version, one fond of alcohol and one night stands. Someone who was content without getting feelings involved. I became the ultimate player and I reveled in it. Knowing I could have any girl I wanted? It was a very powerful feeling…
And then Maddy entered my life and showed me what I had been missing for all those years. Reminded me the love that I had in me to give to another person. But as quickly as she came, she went and chose someone else over me…Parker. But you know this story already.
What you didn’t know was how difficult it was for me to let my guard down and let Maddy in—it terrified me. After her, my walls went up double time. I became bitter and resentful. I became a person I’m not proud of.
Alcohol became my solution to all my problems, numbing the pain. But the drinking and bad decisions only pushed those around me away.
What you don’t know—what I haven’t told anyone, is that I want to be a good person. I want to be monogamous. I want those terrifying, gut-wrenching feelings again even though it scares the shit out of me. I can’t live my life afraid anymore.
Jacqueline, you are the first person since Maddy who gave me a run for my money—who didn’t put up with my shit; who challenged me.
I felt passion and emotion when we had sex. It felt right…something I kept deep inside myself until now. It was easier to run then, so I did—like the coward I was.
But I am back and I am standing before you begging your forgiveness and for another chance. I know I don’t deserve it, after all the shit I’ve pulled…but I hope you decide to put all your inhibitions aside and trust me.
I know you’re hiding something from me and while I can speculate forever, the truth is I just want you to trust me enough to tell me what it is.
I could tell you were broken from a mile away…but it was beautiful. You were beautiful.
I want you to know that while you frustrate me to no end, you turn me on more than anyone I’ve ever met in my entire life. It’s something about your sauciness and comebacks. Everything is so passionate with you—I almost feel like we balance each other out. You’re the fire and I’m the ice.
We could either be the best or the worst person for one another, but I’m willing to take a leap of faith if you are.
No more secrets. No more lies. I want you…
What I’m trying to say is, let’s scare the shit out of each other.
Always,
Lee
Jacqueline
It had been a week since Travis had left me…behind. I hadn’t moved an inch from my bed in that time other than to eat and drink very little and use the restroom. My eyes were swollen from tears. My phone had been ringing off the hook with his mother’s number; my boss—but I couldn’t bear to speak to anyone. I just wanted it all to end. I just wanted to silence the pain.
I had contemplated three extremely serious ways of ending it all, and the only thing that had halted my plan was Travis
’ nagging words in my ear. I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted to show him that yes, I was broken, but worthy of being fixed.
So what if he had lost faith in me? I was used to being let down my entire life…I needed to start sticking up for myself at some point. So I wiped my tears away, pushed away the covers, and took my first steps toward my new future.