“Thank you,” I breathe out, still waiting for the moment when truth slips out of the dark corner.
But that moment never comes.
Jaxen takes my hand and links his fingers through mine.
“Good day,” Seamus says, and then we leave.
I’M GOING TO HURL.
I’m that sickeningly tired. My mouth has this awful taste that won’t go away no matter how many times I swallow. Sort of like what I’d imagine death would taste like. Exhaustion constricts around my stomach, leaving me clenched so tight I can barely see straight.
I stop in place, press against my stomach, and reach out for something to steady me.
“What’s wrong?” Jaxen asks, covering the hand on my stomach with his.
I take in one steady breath, and the air alone makes me want to gag. I count to three.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I rush out. Just speaking takes too much energy, so much that I feel lightheaded. I’m a perfect contradiction of hot and cold. A shivering, sweating mess. “I think-I think I need to lie down.”
The world begins to spin as my heart accelerates, despite standing perfectly still.
My eyes slam shut.
I grasp onto the sleeve of his jacket just as my knees give out from underneath me, but Jaxen moves with a speed I don’t think even light could keep up with. Before I ever even have the chance of slinking to the floor, his hands are under my legs and I’m hoisted up into the air, curled against his chest.
“I’ve got you.” His words are so tender, yet so full of strength. I’m sure they could fend off any ailment. They alone could make this sickness disappear. Vanish as if it never was. “Just relax. You pulled too much power.” He shifts until I’m settled in his arms as if I’m a part of his body. “I’m taking you back to my room so you can rest. It will pass with a little bit of sleep.”
“How do you know it will pass?” I ask, seeing no end to this agony in sight.
“Because this happened to me once.”
“When?”
We’re heading toward our living quarters, but I can’t see because I have my eyes squeezed shut. I know there are people watching as he carries me. I feel their energy just as clearly as I did inside those four metal walls. Only this time, it’s so much brighter. So much more intoxicating.
I should make him put me down, but I can’t bring myself to ask. Not even when the embarrassment takes over my cheeks like small, red flags signaling my internal emotions. I count the seconds, straining to hear Jaxen’s soundless steps. Anything to avoid thinking about being watched.
“When?” I ask again, just in case he didn’t hear me. He doesn’t answer me right away, and this makes me curious. “Jaxen?
His arms loosen a little in reluctance. “When I tried to go after you. After you entered the cave with Bael.” I hear murder in his hesitated words. Fear. Pain… so much pain.
I’m burning to ask how, but this is a topic I know he doesn’t like to touch on. Out of the few times I’ve asked him what happened after I went with Bael, he’s never answered once. And he’s always made it plainly clear he does not intend to talk about it.
So I don’t ask.
I hear doors slide open. We pass into our building and hope kicks in. I’m almost to his room. Almost to a bed. I nearly jump when he speaks again.
“We uh-we were being attacked by the Darkyns and demons Bael left behind to distract us. It felt like no matter how many I took out, they just kept coming. Kept reappearing. And every second I wasted killing them, was another second you were away from me, in the hands of Bael.” His voice is so low, filled with every moment of that day at Whiskey Hallow he has refused to talk about since.
I don’t dare say anything.
“The more they came, the angrier I got. I couldn’t see straight. All I could think about was killing them all and getting you back. I didn’t know what was happening to you, and I think that was my breaking point.” He stops in front of the elevator that leads to our floor. “You remember the night of your first hunt? When I helped heal you?”
My eyes flick open. “Yes,” I breathe out.
“I was able to pull from your power to do that. Mack said it’s because of our affinity link. I-I thought I could do it again, so I tried.”
My eyes are wide now. “Wait—you pulled from other living beings? Like me?” The words tumble out in a tangled whisper.
“It was an overload of sensory. A warmth that was fast-addicting,” he says, pulling the words straight from my mouth. Straight from my memories. “I felt so full, yet I wanted more. I ended up taking out every Darkyn around me. Six total.”
I can’t believe my ears, not knowing if this scares me or excites me. I think a little of both, and the excitement alone wakes me up a little.
“I can’t believe this. You can do what I can do. I-I wonder if Jezi can too. This is insane. This is—”
“I couldn’t sustain it, Faye,” he says, ending my excitement. “My body couldn’t handle it. Not like you. By the time the sixth body dropped, I was on my knees, feeling like I was burning from the inside out. My volation faded in and out. I was weak. That’s when I was shot. Luckily, Jezi and Cassie used my power drain as a distraction. They were able to weave a spell to blend us in with the forest long enough to get us back to the road. Gavin carried me the whole way. With a gunshot in his arm.”
“I-I didn’t know,” I say softly as he steps into the elevator.
“It’s not something I’m proud of. I let my emotions get the better of me. They took over my rationality, and because of it, I could have gotten us all killed.”
I didn’t think my stomach could clench any tighter, but it does. His affection for me… our relationship… it hindered him, and he knows it. He’s aware of it. I bite the inside of my lip as a knot forms in my throat.
“Pu-put me down,” I say. I shift in his arms until he lets me go.
“I can carry you,” he offers.
I back up into the corner, using the wall for added support. “I can walk. I’m okay now,” I say, lying through my teeth. It’s bad enough that he sees his love for me as a weakness. I don’t need to add to that. I don’t want him to see me as weak and helpless. Someone he has to save.
The elevator opens, and we make our way back to his room. Every part of my body feels like it’s walked the edge of death. Every part feels like it’s on the verge of seizing up into a Charley Horse.
But there’s still so much blood on me.
He walks me into the shower and helps me scrub away the evidence with such carefulness that it nearly breaks my heart. When the water runs clear, he wraps a towel around me and grabs one of his shirts and a pair of shorts. I have to hold onto the countertop just to stay balanced enough to slide the bottoms on. After I pull them up and put the top on, I drift back into his room.
When my head hits his pillow, I’m almost too scared to close my eyes. I’m afraid that when I open them again, I’ll be back in that metal room and Jaxen will be nowhere to be found. But I do close them, because I need to assure myself that this is real, and when I open them again, he’s still there.
And he’s holding me so very close.
I feel every inch of his body next to mine, and my heart feels so heavy, so burdened with guilt. It’s sinking to the floor, leaving me cold and shameful, and a little more than embarrassed.
“I’m sorry,” I say. My words are like sandpaper scratching at the back of my throat.
He pulls me closer, tucking me into him, and settles his chin in the curve of my neck. The warmth of his breath and the subtle scratch from his stubble is a comfort I’ve taken for granted. A feeling I never want to wish away again.
I can’t believe I was going to push him away. I’m tripping over all these words that need to be said. I need to erase all the awful things I told him earlier… the things I knew would hurt him.
I swallow thickly. Squeeze my eyes shut when the piercing heat surfaces. “She threatened your life more tim
es than I can count, Jaxen. I watched you die. Over and over and over again. I watched you die, and I didn’t know what to do. I was—I was so weak. So-so pathetic.”
His strong arms squeeze me tight. “You’re not pathetic, Faye.” He chuckles a little, and I find myself flinching in question.
“You’re laughing at me?”
“Not at you,” he says, his voice quieting. “It’s just… you remind me so much of myself it’s scary. Crazy scary. I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same. Shut you out, I mean. I’ve never been good with sharing my burdens.”
“I wanted to tell you. So many times,” I confess. “I just—I couldn’t. I—”
He plants a small kiss against my neck. “You don’t have to explain,” he says softly, his words a soothing whisper in my ear. “I know. I get it.”
I roll into him, searching for his eyes, for the one place I know I’m truly safe. I feel like I’m being pressed to death by my lies. I need to lighten the load I’ve been carrying for so long, need to expel what happened so I can finally rest.
“I hated lying, Jaxen. I hate her so much. I’ve never felt this before… never felt this much burning hatred inside of me. I could have killed her. If they hadn’t stopped me, I would have, and I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. That scares me because I don’t know that I can control it the way Seamus says I can. But what scares me more is that the Coven wants to use it. They want me to become a weapon, and I’m scared I’m going to lose myself in the process.”
He closes his eyes. Swallows. “It scares me too,” he admits quietly. There’s a long moment of silence between us as the weight of my exhaustion bears down on me. “Close your eyes,” he says against my ear. “Get some rest. I’ll hold you.”
I don’t fight against it. I do as he says and, before I know it, I slip into my inner balance where nothing can harm me.
WE’RE SUMMONED SHORTLY AFTER I drift off to sleep. It was a dreamless nap—one where the world held no weight and I was free. Safe. Untouchable. A woman’s voice comes across the intercom, announces the hour, and extends the invitation to join High Priest Seamus for dinner.
Jaxen stirs, rolls over, and pushes the button on a small screen situated on his nightstand. Gavin’s smirking face comes across.
“Yo. Did ya get the summons?”
“Yeah,” Jaxen groans out, his voice husky and deep with sleep.
“You were sleeping?” I can’t see him, but I can hear the smile in Gavin’s voice. The taunting note he always takes when talking to Jaxen.
“No. I was playing patty-cake.” Jaxen pauses, takes in a calming breath, and then says, “Look, the shit with Clara was bad. We’ll talk about it at dinner. Okay?”
Gavin chuckles, the hearty sound filling his tiny pod of a room. “I know a little hanky-panky could cure that—”
Gavin’s voice cuts off.
Jaxen ended the call. He rubs his eyes before stretching, the movement attracting my eyes to the ripped planes of his perfectly sculpted body, and then drops his hands and looks down at me. He blinks a few times, his dark lashes fanning out like the feathers of a raven sunning himself, and then a smile ignites across his lips.
“How do you feel?” he asks, nuzzling my neck with his nose. My whole body warms to his touch.
“Worlds better,” I say, rolling into him. His hands grip my waist. His kisses, his touch, every intimate moment we’ve spent together, it all surfaces and replays, turning my brain to mush. Turning me into a lovesick fool who’d follow him to the ends of the earth.
He lies back down and pulls me against him, softly running his fingers over my cheek. “This… right here… this is what drives me through the day. Knowing that you’ll be in my arms where nothing can touch us.” I look up at him, and he brushes a piece of hair off my face.
I’m sure my heart has exploded. There’s no way it could ever contain the happiness it feels right now. It’s just not physically possible. I shift against him and say, “Do you ever have those moments where you feel like you’re going to explode? Where you’re just so overwhelmed by this surreal form of happiness that you think your heart might burst because of it?”
“Yeah,” he says with a small smile. “It happens every time I look at you.”
“That’s how I feel right now,” I say, feeling like every cell inside of me is going to burst with love. “That’s how you make me feel.”
I’m curled perfectly into him; my lips nestled against the taut skin of his neck. I plant kisses, moving slowly against him. The mark on my arm, the one we share, begins to tingle, urging me toward him. He’s a magnetic force I can’t deny myself, and I don’t want to spend another second not touching him. I need him. Now.
He groans a little and grips the fabric of my shirt, bunching it in his hands. “If you don’t stop,” he says hoarsely, turning into me. His hand cups my backside and presses me harder against him until I feel his attraction against me.
“What?” I ask playfully, continuing my kisses against the sides of his mouth. Teasing his skin with trailing fingers that skim over his abs. I stop right at his pant line, staring him boldly in the eyes.
He flips me over, planting himself on top of me, and pins me down with my hands above my head. “I swear,” he says with a sexy rasp, smiling against my lips.
I imagine his smile could reach beyond the stars, and pray he takes me with him.
He licks his lips, and the smile disappears, turning into something deeper, more passionate. My breath catches as he leans in, his full lips skimming over every inch of my neck, but never fully touching. He’s taking his time, and it’s driving me wild with heat and lust. His warm breath ignites uncontrollable shudders of pleasure within me.
I squeeze my eyes shut and the sound of bliss leaps off my lips. His mouth is a sweet torture I can barely withstand. A luxury I can’t afford to lose ever again.
“Jaxen,” I say quietly, achingly. “I can barely stand it.”
His teasing stops. I open my eyes to find his squeezed shut. This is killing him as much as it’s killing me. Patience has never been so hard to grasp. The waiting game has never been so difficult to play. His hands rake through my hair, and then he sits up, blowing out the tension. I follow after, resting my chin against his shoulder.
“Do you want to go out with me? After dinner, maybe? I can take you around. Show you the city before we start training for the mission tomorrow?”
Butterflies race around my stomach. “Are you asking me on a date?”
He nods, the corner of his mouth lifting up into a perfect smile. “Yeah.”
I lean in and kiss him, letting that be my answer.
When I pull back, the smile he wears could light an entire arena. “Good,” he says on the edge of a heart-filled laugh. The rich, husky sound vibrates his entire being. He looks out of place… out of sync with feeling on top of the world. “I uh-I’m gonna get showered, and then I’ll pick you up for dinner. Sound good?”
“Sounds perfect,” I say, contagiously smiling back.
He grins again, and I can see the chains that had held him down his entire life slowly breaking, allowing him to taste freedom.
With his arm draped over my shoulders, he walks me across the hall, back to my room, and leaves me with a light kiss. When my door slides shuts behind me, I turn to face my room. I hear the silence all too loud. Being with Jaxen is all consuming. He defies rationality.
He could break me if he wanted to.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, the magic of our short time together slowly fades. Clara enters my head. Her words won’t go away. She thinks he makes me weak. He thinks his love for me makes him weak.
It’s almost too much to bear.
Making my way into the tiny bathroom of my room, I strip down and stand in front of the mirror. I have bruises, marks, and scars that speak of all that’s wrong in the world, all the silent torture and unjust actions that go unnoticed because it isn’t pretty to look at. It isn’t easy to accept, and it’s e
ven harder to fix, because it makes people feel uncomfortable.
So they just ignore it.
I want to clean the hate for Clara from my system, but no matter how hot the water is, it doesn’t disappear. My forearm is a mess of holes, tiny burrows dug out by moments I’d give anything to forget. Torture that has chipped away at my resolve.
The water glistens over my scarred leg, turning the pale lavender scars to a bright pink. I know I could have them removed. Clara offered as much. The technology in Ethryeal City is beyond comprehension, but I don’t want to remove them. I don’t want to shy away from my flaws. Imperfections are what make us human. They’re what make us unique.
They’re reminders that perfection has little value when stacked against the beauty of what’s inside us.
I finish my shower, dressing in tight, black leather pants, an oversized, vintage black shirt, and then slide my arms through the satin interior of my leather jacket. It’s against regulation, but I don’t care. I need to feel like myself, if just for a moment.
I find black boots with buckles going up the sides in the box, sliding those on next. The last thing I put on is a utility belt, even though I know I don’t have access to carry weapons. No one aside from the Elite Watchmen have that power in this city.
Jaxen knocks on my door a little later and, the moment our eyes meet, a lightness builds within my chest. He’s dressed in tight, dark denim jeans, a form-fitting black shirt, and his leather jacket. His dark hair is gelled in a scattered mess. A lone strand has fallen across his forehead, hanging down over his bright green eyes.
“I see we had the same idea,” I say, pointing to his missing uniform.
“Great minds think alike,” he says with a smirk.
I allow myself to reach up and move the strand of hair from his face. He leans down and kisses me softly, brushing my hair back over my shoulder. I know it’s only been about an hour since I last saw him, but I already want to grab his hand and pull him into my room. Lock him away from everyone else and keep him to myself so we can stay inside our safe bubble of happiness.