"Go on," he encourages gently.
"He was so nice when we first met: sweet, kind, attentive. We began dating. We'd go to dinner, movies, or the theater when we got a few days off from filming. After a little more than three months we went away for a weekend together, we went to the Keyes, and, uh, we slept together."
Jesse nods, his lips pressed firmly together. "You were a virgin?"
I nod. "Yeah," I whisper.
"Did he hurt you?"
"No… not then." Jesse stiffens.
"When?"
"That weekend was really great. We spent a lot of time on the beach, doing touristy things. We were out of the hotel room more than in and I was glad he hadn't brought me there solely for sex, you know?"
He nods.
"Anyway, he continued being great for a couple weeks and then when his part in the film was over--mine wasn't, I was the female lead. He became resentful of my time away from him and in front of the camera. He made me feel guilty for going to work every morning," I say with a soft laugh. "Isn't that ridiculous?"
Jesse doesn't say anything but I really don't expect him to. I was asking that question of myself and my answer is yes. It is ridiculous.
"He became demanding of my time, jealous of my costar--"
"Because of the intimate scenes?"
"Uh, yeah. There was a lot of kissing and hugging, arms around one another, holding hands, and four sex scenes."
Jesse nods. "I remember the movie."
"It's not at all intimate when you're on set. There are people everywhere, some milling around doing their jobs, others just standing or sitting watching. You have to understand, when I'm playing a part, I do tend to lose myself in the character when the cameras are rolling. It's the only way I know. But it's the character, not Lucy, if you can understand that?"
"It's what makes you so good at what you do."
I shrug. "I guess. All I know is he assumed that I was enjoying all the attention my character received from my costar. Let's just call him H. You know who he is but I don't want to drag his name through this horror story."
"Horror," Jesse repeats and I nod.
"So, it was no secret that H and I got along well, we were friends which makes working together that much easier, you know? And, of course, he's a beautiful man, inside and out, so, yeah, there was attraction there--superficial attraction. It was no hardship kissing him," I say with a small smile.
Jesse grunts. "I take it he didn't like that."
"No. He didn't. He became possessive, demanding of my time and--"
"And?" Jesse prompts when I pause.
I lift my eyes to meet his. "And," I whisper, "demanding of my body."
Jesse hisses out a breath.
"The first time--"
"The first time?" Jesse nearly yells.
"Shhh. They'll hear you and this isn't public knowledge." I sigh. "That was a shitty thing to say. They're not public, they're family but I'm not comfortable revealing this part of my life."
"I understand. But, God, Lucy," he rubs his hands up and down my arms.
"Let me just get this all out. I'd had a sex scene with H that day and it was one where we stripped completely down. Nothing showed as they covered my breasts and--" I sigh. "I just put a robe on after we were done shooting for the day, once we got the scene just right. It didn't help that it took a few takes so they could get multiple angles for editing and all that."
"He was on set? Watching?"
I nod. "It didn't faze me because I became Libby and H became David. When they call action, Luciana Russo doesn't exist on that set. I am whoever I'm scripted to be. When I headed back to my trailer, Ian followed along. I knew he was angry. H and I were all over each other even though it was just work."
"But he didn't see it that way."
"No. I explained it was the same as it was for him but he used my friendship with H against me, saying we were too close and if I wanted to be fucked, he'd show me how a real man did it. I'm sure you can imagine what came next."
He just gives one sharp nod.
"He left bruises on my body that wardrobe noticed when I was changing one day. They knew what happened but I didn't admit anything. I wanted to just forget it happened. I mean, it was my fault, right? At least that's what I thought then. I tried to break things off with him, but he begged and pleaded, apologized to me and young, naïve Lucy reluctantly agreed to try. Needless to say, the good guy didn't last long. Then when I wanted to do something, how dare I ask, shouldn't that be up to him because I'd been off doing whatever all day and he was bored. He should be able to make the plans. I didn't want to argue about it, so I agreed. He became so controlling. It got so bad he wouldn't let me call my mom when I was off set because that was his time with me. A week later we had another sex scene."
"God, Lucy."
I close my eyes and snuggle into his chest, his arms wrapping tighter around me. "I hate telling this part. It's… just hard. The minute we got to the trailer, he shoved me so hard I fell to the floor. I hit my head on the edge of a cabinet and my head started bleeding. He grabbed my arm hard and jerked me up then he took that forearm and slammed it over the edge of the kitchen table over and over, breaking both bones."
"Motherfucker."
"I tried yelling for help, knowing that the crew would be around soon because we'd quit for the day but he took the belt of my robe and gagged me. Then he raped me, brutally. Not once because that's not enough humiliation. Twice wasn't enough. He had to do it a third time, only this time--"
"Don't. I know what you're going to say."
At this point, I'm numb. "Why not? It's what happened. He sodomized me. He didn't care that I wasn't aroused at all, there was no prep. He went in dry each time and tore me so much, the pain from it got so bad I passed out. I guess that was a blessing. Anyway, the director, Mel, saw Ian coming out of my trailer with blood on his shirt. Ian didn't even notice it was there. He thought he was going to just walk off. He nearly did." I laugh mirthlessly.
"It took them some time to restrain him, so I laid there unconscious for who knows how long, bleeding all over the place, before they called the paramedics. I woke up in the hospital three days later with a broken arm, seven stitches in my head, and I don't know what they all did to fix the damage he'd done down... there. Apparently I'd lost a lot of blood. My mom flew up immediately. I worried about pregnancy because the prick didn't bother to wear a condom. I mean, that was good for DNA, but shit. I didn't want to be pregnant from that. Well, they had administered the morning after pill with my mom's consent. I'm not sure how. They must have shoved it down my throat or something since I was unconscious. I had to undergo STD and HIV testing on a regular basis for the next couple years but I still go through both every six months just because. I never quite recovered fully from that. I don't make demands of anyone and haven't since then. I tease being bossy but--" I shrug.
Jesse nods. "I'm so sorry this happened to you," he hugs me tight to him. "How did that not get leaked to the press?"
"There were only a handful of us on set that day because it was just the sex scene, and we were filming in Canada so not much press to worry about since the press that was there was following the other actors around on their day off. It was before I was popular."
"God," Jesse says blowing out a breath.
"What is it?"
"I've been so rough with you."
"Don't do that, Jesse. You don't hurt me and if I had complaints about that, I guarantee you'd hear about it. I'm pretty sure you can tell I enjoy it. Remember the screaming?" I ask with a smile and he chuckles.
"I don't want you to treat me differently, Jesse. It was a long time ago. The only thing that still lingers is--my attitude is different, as you said. I'm passive and don't make demands or ask for things I'm not sure I have a right to. I'm afraid to," I whisper.
There's a knock on the patio door and I look over.
"Can we come out a minute?" Cage asks.
"Sure." I was think
ing Cage and Sera but out comes everyone.
"Mama and daddy took off," Sera tells me, her expression soft, worried. "She'd like you to call her later."
"Okay. I'm okay."
She nods.
"What's up?" Jesse asks.
"We were in there talking about touring," Ben says looking at me. "How would you feel about Blush opening for Falling Down?"
I freeze and Jesse smiles a smile so bright it lights up the sky. I swear, the entire sky.
"Are you fucking with me right now?" I ask. This would be the opportunity of a lifetime.
"Pretty sure if I was fucking with you my brother would be pounding the shit out of me."
"Damn straight."
"This isn't just up to me. It needs to be okay with Cage and after that it needs to be okay with Sera, Jace, Meggie, and Trace."
"I think it's a great idea," Cage says.
"Let's take a vote," Sera says with a knowing smirk.
"Not just Blush members but Falling Down members too. Be completely honest. No saying yes just because you feel loyal to Jesse or me. Base your decision on you," I tell them.
"Cool," Xander says. "I say hell yes. Who's in, raise 'em up."
All eight hands raise… then nine as Jesse raises his.
"Jesse."
"What do you say? What do you want to do? What do you want to do for you?" he asks, using my words.
"Touché." I smirk at him and lift my hand. "It'd be really stupid of me to pass up this opportunity. Everything's just falling into place."
"Fate," Sera says.
"Timing," Cage says at the same time.
"Is that the only reason you agreed? Because of the opportunity for the band?" Jesse asks.
"No."
He nods.
"And I'd like to ask you to not fuck the groupie whores--ever again. Oh, fuck that. I'm telling you. If you want to be with me, no fucking anyone but me."
He chuckles.
"Because if you do, I'll have to chop your balls off and stuff them down your throat," Sera says sweetly.
"That's not going to be a problem. I don't want groupie whores. I just want you."
"Awww," Meggie says with a genuine sniffle. She's so weird.
"Cage?" I ask, looking into Jesse's eyes.
"Yeah, Luce."
"Are we allowed to fraternize with members of the other band while on tour?"
Jesse grins and everyone around us chuckles.
"Yeah, and I'm pretty sure if I'd have said no, you'd have done it anyway."
"Pretty much. We are talking about Jesse Kingston here."
"Fuck," Xander says.
"What's your problem?" Kennedy asks.
"We're going to have to listen to her scream on the bus."
I'm sure my face is the color of a tomato right now.
"It'll be alright, Lucy. You screaming just lets them know we're doing it right," Jesse says with a laugh.
"Gah," Sera says. "I'm riding on a different bus. I so don't want to hear my sister fucking her boyfriend."
I laugh. "Right about now I'm really glad my mom and dad have already left."
More laughing.
"There'll be enough room for everyone to be comfortable. You all can figure out who's on what bus," Cage says.
"Cage, can you give Dave the exclusive of this announcement?"
He raises his eyebrows.
"He was so great at the press conference, he deserves this."
"Done."
"Lucy?" Sera says.
"What's up?"
She's grinning. "You're so going to piss off Jesse's groupie whores."
I shrug. "They had their turn and it's over. He's mine now."
Jesse pulls me in for a kiss. "And she's mine."
"Fuckin' A. More sluts for me," Jace says.
"Pig."
"You never know," he says with a shrug, "one of those sluts could be my future wife."
Complete silence and then we all start laughing, Jace laughing the loudest.
"Jesse," Ben says nudging his arm.
"Hmm?"
"What are you going to do about the," his gaze flicks to me, then back to Jesse. "About the regulars."
I roll my eyes. "Bitches better look out. That's all I've got to say. And you, Jesse Kingston, better send a skank-wide text to those whores and let them know that shit is over and then you better delete those sluts' numbers."
He grins at me. "Is this you teasing bossy?"
"Are you fucking with me right now?"
"Yeah," he says with a laugh.
"Here come the screams," Xander says with a laugh.
"Those aren't screams, those are whines and wails from all the skank-ass hoes crying because their favorite rockstar cock is unavailable to get them the attention they want," Sera says.
"True that," Trace says.
"Skank-ass hoes," I say with a laugh.
"Jesus," Cage says. "Fuckers, bitches, groupie whores, and skank-ass hoes. We'll be lucky to get through this tour without a brawl or a lawsuit."
"Damn straight," Xander yells. "Good times, fuckers!"
"It has a good ring to it."
"What's that?" Jesse asks.
"The Falling Down-Blush tour."
We all look at each other.
Xander raises a fist. "Good times, fuckers!"
Chapter Eighteen
Jesse
Ten days later Blush has nearly all the songs ready for their album. They've been working steadily to get the right sound for the lyrics, learning how to work together, how to jam together, how to read one another, and so far they're doing pretty fucking good.
I'd rather be in the studio than in this fucked up stylist room Spenser, Carmen, and Simone set up but I knew I could trust them to not fuck up my hair.
"What can we do for you today, Jesse?" Carmen asks.
I tell her what I want.
She nods. "Spenser's going to want to do this one if that's what you want to have done," she says. I told her I was ready for a change and I am. This long hair bullshit on tour is too fucking hot.
"Well, hello Jesse," Spenser says. "Let's get you set up." He drapes a plastic cape over my lap and shoulders, snapping it in the back.
"Tell me what you're looking to do," he says. I relay to him what I'm looking for.
"This long hair under those lights while running across the stage is just too fucking hot. I said at the end of the last tour I wouldn't be touring again with hair this long."
"No problem. I've got you covered. I'm going to spritz your hair with water."
"Cool."
"Just letting you know."
He wets down my hair and then starts cutting. It doesn't even bother me, getting the hair cut off. I'd just gotten too lazy to get regular cuts but now that we've got Spenser and the girls around and going to be on tour with us, I won't have to worry about making an appointment with someone who'll either fuck up my hair or do the bullshit fangirl thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my fans. I do. But when I'm at a business establishment as a paying customer and instead of getting the services I made an appointment for I get squealed and gushed over, it tends to piss me off. Those are the types of fans that make me wary of everyone.
"Don't move. Time for clippers."
Damn, that was fast. It looks pretty fucking good. I thought the dude only did makeup, but hell, he's done a kick ass job with this cut.
"You look like the Jesse Kingston from back in the day," Simone says.
"Yeah. I feel like me again."
Spenser smiles. "Lucy has a wonderful effect on people, doesn't she?"
"She does. She makes you want to be real."
"Mhmm. That's our girl. Alright, you're done. Let me show you the back." He swivels the chair and hands me a mirror. It looks good. It's tapered up in the back and on the sides and spiky and mess on top. Simple style. I can work with this.
I nod.
"You won't need to put any products in other than this gel," he tells me handing me a tube of go
op, "unless you're going to be doing anything professional which we'll style for you anyway."
"Don't you even think of paying him," Carmen says. "Lucy pays us way too much as it is."
"You're valuable to her. She pays you what she thinks your worth."
"She's such a great lady," Simone says smiling.
"Yeah, and she's mine," I say with a wink.
"When are you going to pop the question?" Spenser asks.
I freeze. "What?"
"You know, propose."
"We just moved in together. I hadn't even thought about that. I doubt Lucy'd go for that now anyway."
"You're probably right. I don't think she's ready for that. She's pretty skittish. But if I was you, I'd get prepared, find a ring just so you have it in case one day you feel a sudden urge to ask her to be your wife."
"Oh, that's so romantic," Carmen says.
I start to break out in a sweat. I've gotta get out of here.
"I'm heading to the gym. See you later."
I swear I hear Spenser laugh as I book it out of there. He's probably jacking me around but he's right. Fuck. I mean, fucking hell, she's such a huge part of my life now. I love waking up with her and falling asleep with her. We spend as much time together as we can and I never get tired of her being around. She's smart, funny, and so fucking talented. I do miss her when she's not around, like now when she's practicing and rewriting notes while I'm getting my hair cut and lifting weights. I've only been away from her for an hour, if that, and I've done nothing but think about her. What the fuck?
I'm in love with her.
I plop down on the weight bench, stunned. When the hell did I fall in love with her?
"Nice hair."
"Thanks."
"Dude, what's going on?" Ben asks.
"Nothing."
"Bullshit. You've got some fucked up look on your face."
I rub my hands over my face.
"Shit," I say looking at Ben. We've never really had to talk to each other, somehow we've been able to communicate with just a look and right now he got my message as he sports a shit-eating grin.
"Finally."
"What?" I ask.
"You finally figured it out."
"What are you talking about?"
"You've been hooked on Lucy since you first fucking met her in Chicago, but when you heard her singing and saw her standing on that fake stage, you were sunk pal."