"Dude," Xander says. "What the fuck?"
"I fucking got distracted and caught up with Lucy and all the bullshit she's got going on."
She gasps.
"Fuck. I didn't mean it the way it sounded."
Her back still to me, she merely nods, her shoulders rigid. She starts up the stairs and her shoulders begin to shake as she walks a little faster.
"Dude," Xander says giving me a shove. "Go, what the fuck are you waiting for?"
"I don't know."
Sera snorts. "You know what this is?" When I don't respond she shouts. "Do you?!"
"I do," Ben says with a look of disgust.
"This right here is Jesse being a fucking coward. Mr. I-Don't-Do-Relationships purposefully fucked up the best thing that ever happened to him and now he doesn't know what to do. Oh, boo fucking hoo, Jesse fucking Kingston doesn't know how to fix the relationship with the woman he swears he loves." She moves forward and stands right in front of me, then she gives me a shove. Hard. "You are a motherfucking coward and if you don't fix this now, you can find another band to go on tour with you because Lucy deserves a whole hell of a lot better than this and you fucking know it! She let you in. Do you know how hard that is for her? No, of course not. How would you know when you're too wrapped up in yourself to notice?" She shoves me again.
"I didn't do it on purpose."
"You fucking did and now you go fix it," Jace says, getting in my face. No one moves. No one. Then Xander stands up next to Jace, then Ethan, Kennedy, and Ben, then Meggie and Trace.
"Either you fix this," Xander says, "Or I'm going for her because she's one hell of a woman and I'd be damn proud to call her mine."
"Get in line, dude," Trace says.
Kennedy and Ethan agree.
"Christ. I don't know how to fix this."
"You can't 'fix' this. She's a fucking person not an object. You show her what she needs to see," Ben tells me.
"I have no clue what that is."
"Then you're fucked, brother, and I'll be stepping up."
"The fuck you will," I say and head up the stairs, taking them two at a time. I take a breath and punch in the code. Tears fall steadily from Lucy's eyes as she pulls clothes from the dresser and puts them neatly into her suitcase. Shit. When she does things with precision, she's locked herself in.
"Lucy." She ignores me. "Lucy," I walk toward her and take her hand. She shrugs me off. "God damn it Lucy," I shout. "Don't make me grab you. I don't want to hurt your tats."
She laughs, mascara streaking down her cheeks. "Because that'd be horrible, right? To hurt me physically? But, hey, emotionally, let's fuck Lucy over. Noooo problem."
She takes another swig of her vodka drink. Just how many has she had?
"Please, Lucy. Just a few minutes, it's all I ask." I'll fucking beg if I need to. She can't leave me. I don't know what I'm doing, why I didn't delete them like she asked. God. I run my hands through my hair and pull.
"Please."
She eyes me, then walks over to the bed and sits on the edge. "You have five minutes." She looks to the clock. "Starting now. Go."
Jesus.
"I'm going to be honest with you, Lucy, and tell you I don't know why I didn't send the text or delete them. I don't understand it. Maybe I was trying to hold onto something because I was afraid of what was ahead? Maybe I was afraid it wasn't real? I honestly don't know."
I pace back and forth in front of her. She doesn't even look at me, just steadily wipes the tears from her cheeks. It hurts my chest so fucking much knowing I made her hurt this bad. God. I feel sick. I did this. I did this to her. I am such a fucking asshole.
I drop down on my knees in front of her and her eyes go wide.
"Lucy, God, I am so sorry. Please don't cry. I'm a dick. I'm an asshole and I fucked up so bad. I know sorry isn't enough but it's all I've got. That and this," I say, taking my phone out, typing out a quick text. I read it aloud, "I've met someone and I'm in love with her. Don't call, don't write, don't text, and don't show up. We're done."
She doesn't look impressed. Even when I hit send. Not even when I delete each and every female in my contacts list that aren't business associates or family.
She tries so hard to choke back the sob that breaks loose and all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and hold her, let her know how much I love her, but I know she won't believe me. I know she won't let me touch her. Fuck it. I'm going to try. I'm not going to take no for an answer. She is what I want and I'll be god damned if I'm going to let her walk away without a fight.
I toss the fucking phone on the bed and reach out to hold both her hands in mine. She tries to pull them away, but I hold tight.
"Stop," I tell her. She ignores me and I say it again, only louder and harsher. "Stop it right now, Lucy. God damn it. Listen to me."
"Why should I? You didn't listen to me… or you did, but it went in one ear and out the other."
I nod. "I deserve that and whatever else you've got for me. I'll gladly take it. God, Luce, I'm so fucking sorry. I don't know what I'm doing, how to do this. I've never had anyone to answer to and… fuck. Please don't go," I whisper, hanging my head. "I don't know if I was trying to sabotage what we have, to push you away, I honestly don't, but I can tell you I'm so fucking sorry. God, please don't cry, Lucy. Please."
Her shoulders shake as the tears keep falling.
"If you were looking to sabotage us," she says shakily, "you succeeded. I don't understand why you'd do that."
"Truth?"
She just gives me a look.
"I'm scare out of my fucking mind, Lucy. I don't know how to do this. I have no god damn clue. My parents, they're a piss poor example of how relationships work. No one I know has had a successful relationship, so who do I turn to when I need to figure out the answers?"
"The answer to that is me. Or it should have been."
I drop my head into her lap and wrap my arms around her waist. She tries to push me away, and she tries really fucking hard too.
"I'm not letting you go, Lucy. I can't. I can't let you go."
"Why? Obviously I'm not enough for you if you needed to keep those numbers."
"Lucy," I whisper. "You're so much more than I ever imagined I'd have in my life and I have no idea how to handle this. What we have between us, it's huge. The biggest. You, you're everything to me. Maybe I needed to push you to see how well you'd stick around, or to see if you'd end up hurting me like my parents hurt each other."
She nods.
"I swear to you with everything I am, I love you. I've never said those words to another living soul. Ever. I wouldn't say it if I didn't feel it in here," I say thumping my fist against my chest. "Please talk to me."
At first she says nothing, but I can all but see the wheels turning as she thinks. She sighs out a shaky breath and wipes more tears. God, it's killing me knowing I hurt her like this. I'm a fucking prick. She deserves better than me.
And there it is.
My breath catches. Fuck.
"Figure it out?" she asks.
I nod.
"Why?"
"You deserve better than me. You are so fucking amazing at everything you do. You're kind, caring, generous, and you've got this big heart that you wear on your sleeve and share only with those closest to you. I think that's because you've been hurt one too many times and you feel the need to protect yourself. Me? I'm just a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who got lucky when a music producer dropped in for a drink at the bar we were performing at one night. It was a fucking dive. Peanut shells all over the floor mixed in with beer, ashes, and cigarettes. We didn't give a fuck. We just wanted to play and if we earned a couple bucks doing it. Well, then we found a way to feed ourselves, get some equipment we needed, or to pay for some studio time. Me and Ben, we were okay as far as food and clothes, Xander too, but Ethan and Kennedy? They had it bad. Their moms both crackheads. No food in the house ever. They spent most of their time at our house or Xan's. Xan's parents w
ere doctors and weren't around much so we stayed there most of the time,"
I sigh and look up into her eyes, reaching out to hold her hands in mine.
"You're pure, you're genuine, and you're so real I'm scared shitless. I'm just a street punk who doesn't know the first thing about love or relationships. I'm really great at keeping people at arm's length and likely that's part of what was going on here as well. I am so fucking sorry I hurt you. I don't want anyone but you, Lucy. Only you."
My breath hitches, my chest gets tight, and my vision blurs. "I can't stand knowing I hurt you. I am so, so sorry," I whisper. "I can't promise I won't fuck up again because, being me, I'm probably gonna. All I know, Luce, is that I fucking love you more than anything in this world. I can't imagine not being with you. Just the thought of not being with you rips my heart to shreds. I can't breathe, it hurts, Luce."
A tear slips from my eye and down my cheek. What…?
"Jesse," she whispers.
"I don't--" I try to speak but another tear slips.
"I won't say it's okay because it's not. I swore I'd never lie to you and I'm not going to start now and you can bet your ass I expect you to keep that same promise. But let me clue you in on what's going on."
I just look up at her, eyes wide, vision blurry. I'm so confused. My chest hurts and I can't breathe. I don't cry. What's happening to me?
"Jesse, I suspect for the first time in your life you feel remorse, pain, anguish, heartache."
"Is that what--I can't breathe." She runs a hand over my cheek.
"You've never let yourself care enough about anyone to leave yourself vulnerable and with that vulnerability comes heartache and pain when things go wrong. You finally let yourself feel."
"Well, this fucking sucks."
She laughs through tears. "I know. But the good outweighs the bad, doesn't it?"
I nod. It does. Nothing beats the feeling of loving Lucy. Nothing.
"I'm confused about what I should do here, Jesse. I want to leave on one hand but on the other I think my leaving would be a mistake, that I'd be giving up something that has the potential to be so, so wonderful."
"Please stay. Please believe me when I say I want no one but you."
She nods. "Do you want this? Me and you?"
"I do. I don't know what I'm doing, but I want to figure it out."
She breathes out a shuddering breath. "I won't lie to you, Jesse. I'm afraid, so afraid. I was scared before but now I'm terrified because I know how easily you can destroy me."
"That goes both ways, Lucy."
"Maybe so but what happens when we're on tour and the groupies swarm you? What happens when one of your 'regulars' shows up?" Those god damn air quotes again.
"I sign their shit and send them on their way. There are no regulars, Lucy. Only you."
"Can I trust that to be true? I can't ask you to promise to never hurt me again because that's an unrealistic request, but I'm going to ask you this: if you want out, if you want to go fuck around with someone else, you tell me and we call it quits before anything like that happens. If you respect me enough to do that, we could walk away being friendly. If you disrespect me and cheat on me, you'll be dead to me. That may sound harsh, but I won't tolerate cheating--and you already lied to me. That's not going to be easy to get past."
I nod. She's got valid points and I can't fault her for not trusting me now. I said I'd do something and didn't. If she did the same, I'd feel exactly as she is right now.
"We need to communicate, Jesse, no matter how difficult things are or how hard it is to talk about--even if it hurts one or both of us. If we try to talk it out, to work it out, at least we tried together."
I nod. "I can only ask you to be patient with me, Lucy. I don't know how to do this. I feel like a total pussy right now, begging you--my dad would laugh his ass off. Men don't beg women for anything and they sure as fuck don't cry. Men don't feel. Men use women to fuck, that's all they need to feel."
"God, Jesse. That explains so much. And I'd really like to meet your dad so I can kick him in the balls and elbow him in the face."
Amazingly, I laugh.
"I'm in this, Lucy. All-in. No going back. No excuses. No bullshit. Just me and you."
She nods. "If you hurt me again…"
"I won't. Not intentionally."
"This time was intentional whether you knew it or not."
I nod because it's fucking true. I'm a prick.
"I'm an asshole. I just need to get used to this. I never expected to be in love. Ever."
A few minutes go by and I know she's processing things, weighing things.
"Okay," she breathes.
"Okay?" My heart starts beating and I can breathe again.
She nods.
I wrap my arms around her, holding her close.
"I'm so fucking sorry."
"I know. Just don't do it again."
I nod and bury my face in her stomach, holding her close, carefully avoiding putting too much pressure on her tattoo.
"I love you, Lucy."
"I know you do. I love you too."
There's a knock on the door. "Yeah," I shout.
In they all come and I don't give a fuck if they think I'm a pussy for crying a few tears or getting down on my knees to beg forgiveness from the woman I love more than life itself.
This woman taught me to feel. She taught me to love. She taught me that some things are more important than pride, and she's that something.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Lucy
Recording the self-titled Blush album only took ten days. I'm not sure if that was normal or if Cage had people working extra to get this done as soon as possible, but it's done. While it was hard work, long hours, it was so much fun. I still shake my head when I think about Blush having an album. Dreams do come true. So far I've had two of them come true.
We're kind of rushing everything so we can tour with Falling Down. It's only been two months since we started the entire process with Cage, but so far we've finished recording, made a video, and have had a single released. We decided to not go with Blush for our first single. We wanted something hard and dirty instead of soft. We went with Lick. It's sexual, it's gritty, and it's hard. It's been well received, thank goodness. I guess after that live hour of recording and our little on-air discussion we had no clue was on-air, the media and the public decided we weren't a joke and that they were going to give us a chance.
In three weeks we go on tour with Falling Down. On. Tour. With. Falling. Down. I still can't believe it. Today, though, I'm getting scolded by my mother for getting my tattoos. This is the first chance we've had to get together for her cook out. I'm feigning sleep on a lounger so she leaves me alone.
"That 3D ink Harley added looks so wicked," Meggie says from a lounger next to me.
"Yeah, he's an incredible artist. He wouldn't let me pay him for the 3D. He said my payment would be getting his name out to the public. Apparently Jesse's not so good at PR."
"You aren't either, that's why you've got Celeste."
"Exactly. See? I'm brilliant at PR," I snicker and take a drink of soda.
"Where'd Jesse go?" Sera asks from my other side.
"I don't know. He was talking to daddy last I saw. Why? Do you need him for something?"
"No. He's just usually up your ass."
"Jealousy isn't becoming, sister dear."
"Oh, there's no jealousy in that statement. Besides, I'm quite content with the way things are going for me."
"Hmm. How are things going for you? Is it Cage? Or is it Ben?"
She shrugs. "Undecided. Cage is… not always available. Ben lives behind a stone fortress. I may start looking for someone less complicated."
"There's always Trace."
"Hmm. I've been considering that."
"I think he's been considering you as well," Meggie tells her.
"I can't believe we're playing Vegas tomorrow night," Jace says sitting at the end of my lounger. "I'm
so psyched."
"I'm nervous, so let's not discuss it. Let's discuss gambling before the concert."
"Yes, let's," Meggie chimes. "A little blackjack."
"Not for me. I'm strictly a slots girl," I admit. "I'm not so good with the cards. Seriously bad luck."
"She's not kidding," Sera adds. "It's pitiful."
"Gee, thanks."
"Oh man, here comes your mom."
"Fuck. I'm sleeping."
Sera snorts. Yeah, I know it's not going to work, but I need to try. I'm exhausted from listening to her carry on about tainting my flawless skin, how I'm never going to be able to model certain things, how I'll not be able to be in certain movies--although I'm pretty sure they have ways around tattoos. I know plenty of actors and actresses who have tattoos. But, whatever. Let her bitch herself out.
"Serafina, have you been eating enough? You still look so thin."
"Trust me, mama, I'm doing a whole lot of eating. Living with guys who can cook freaking gourmet meals ensures that I eat."
"Good, good. Those are good boys."
Sera snorts and I resist doing the same.
"You don't agree?"
"Oh, they are great guys. You just called them boys. They're all over six feet tall, heavily muscled, and inked."
"They are boys to me. They have no problem with me calling them boys. How is Luciana? She's tired from the media circus, I'm sure."
"She is. We're just glad the last couple months have been quiet so she can enjoy the process of recording, making a video for us instead of someone else, putting out the single, and now the album has hit the shelves so we can relax a little bit and just focus on practice and writing more music."
"Good, good. You all got the same tattoo, I noticed."
"It's the band tattoo, mama."
"I see this. Luciana has always wanted a tattoo like the one on her side."
"She never got it because of acting," Sera tells her.
"I know," she sighs. "It was a shock."
"I imagine," Jace says. "But it's kick ass ink."
"Ah, there's your father and Jesse. I wonder what those two have been up to."
"And there she goes, rushing off to find out," Meggie tells me.
"I think she's getting soft," I tell them. "Why can't she just be nice to me instead of nice about me to everyone else?"