He grabbed the doorknob and one suitcase, then paused. “You take care of yourself, okay? Here.” He handed me his Bible from his bag. “Open God's Word. It will protect you.”
I chuckled slightly. “And where should I start, Chase? I haven't read the Bible in a long time.”
“Just open it. Or go to a passage you know. I bet God will speak to your soul.” With his free hand, he touched my cheek. “Will you do that for me, Zoe?”
“I'll do it tonight,” I promised. “Now, go catch your plane.”
I watched as he took two bags to the shuttle, then came back for the third one. But after he picked up the suitcase, he paused. He looked at me, then lowered his gaze to the ground. I could tell he wanted to say more, but no words could escape from his juicy lips.
Feeling the awkwardness, I said, “You just be sure and come back, okay?”
“Count on it.” With a final glance of warmth toward me, he stepped outside.
The minute the door closed, I raced to the window and watched Chase climb into the royal blue bus with yellow lettering. I stayed until the shuttle pulled away.
In my heart, I wished him the best of luck. Yet, at the same time, I wished the shuttle would stop suddenly and make a U-turn, bringing Chase back to me.
“He gone, babe.” Devyn interrupted my thoughts. “Starin' out the window ain't gonna bring him back.”
Without turning away from the window, I said, “Devyn, get out.”
“Yeah, right. My name's on the lease, baby, not yours.”
I whipped around to face him. “But you moved out, remember? And I'm staying here now. Chase told me I could. So you just get out and go to your pregnant fiancée. Spare us both the agony of having to deal with one another.”
He sauntered up to me, his face filled with a sly grin. He slipped his hands around my waist. “C'mon, baby. What do you say we get it on one more time? You know, for old time's sake.”
I lifted my hand to slap him, but he grabbed my wrist and stopped me.
“Watch yourself now,” he warned, though he still smiled as if he weren't in the least bit threatened by my gesture.
“You make me sick.”
“Oh, really?” he said, releasing my arm but not my waist. “Just 'cause I wouldn't stop you from shooting your dumb self?”
All my feelings of insecurity that I had worked so hard to release over the past few days rushed back, filling my soul. I couldn't let Devyn make me feel vulnerable again. I needed strength.
Lord, I prayed inside through my anger, get this jerk out of my face. Please.
Suddenly Devyn turned around, picked up his duffel bag and walked out the door. Again I found myself at the window, watching as Devyn hopped into his car and peeled out of the parking lot.
I stayed at the window for minutes before finally turning and looking around the room. For the first time in almost a week, I was alone. I wondered what I should do first.
I figured I could call my mother, even though I'd just spoken to my brother a few days ago. I knew my mother was concerned, but not really worried. Even though we hadn't spoken in days, this wasn't unusual. Mom and I rarely talked. I had long ago accepted the fact that she was my mother, not my friend.
Still, I didn't want her to see how torn up I was. She had tried to raise me to be a strong woman, and over the past several days, I'd been anything but strong. But I didn't like the feeling of being alone, and since I was unable to come up with anything else to do, I picked up the phone.
“Hey, Ma,” I said when she answered.
“Baby! Zoe, girl, where have you been? I've been worried sick.”
“I know, Ma. I'm sorry.”
“I called everybody I could think of, but no one knew what happened to you.”
“Didn't Alonzo call you?”
“Yes, but he didn't really tell me anything except that you had called and said you were fine. But where are you, baby?”
“Not too far away. I'm still in Miami. I needed some time to myself.”
“I understand that, but, child, I've been goin' plumb crazy wonderin' what's going on.”
“You don't have to worry, Mom. I'm all right. I'm getting a new perspective on the whole situation.”
“Baby, I hate not knowing where you are or what you're doing. Why don't you just come home?”
I paused for a moment, thinking about what it would be like to be living with my mother again—especially after all I'd been through. “Mom, I'm not ready to do that. I know you love me and you're trying to help, but I really need the time by myself to clear my head.” When I heard my mother sigh, I continued. “But there is something you can do for me, Mom.”
“Okay, baby.” She perked up, eager to help me through in any way she could.
“Pray for me, okay? Keep me lifted up before the Lord. That's what I really need.”
“That sounds good and fine, baby,” she said, sounding disappointed. “But God's got your mama here to do more than that. I need to take care of you. Now, you need to come on home.”
I sighed. My mother could be so exasperating sometimes! This was one of the reasons I hardly ever talked to her. “Look, Ma,” I started, needing to explain my point. “I have to quit depending on other people and let God take care of me,” I said, thinking of what Chase had said to me earlier. “I need to give Him a chance to be Lord of my life.” As I said the words, I realized how true they were. I knew I had been on quite a roller-coaster ride—first wanting to depend on God, then not wanting to talk to Him at all. But now I knew where I wanted to be—I wanted to rely solely on Christ. I longed for that to be my reality, to be what I truly lived.
“You ain't talkin' to that dog Devyn, are ya?” my mother whined. “You know you gotta let that go.”
I rolled my eyes. Where did that come from? I wondered. Here I was talking about Christ and making Him the center of my life, and my mother was talking about Devyn. Besides, even if Devyn wasn't the best man I could end up with, he'd still given me much more than Mom's string of men had ever given her. “Mom, I'm really not in the mood for a lecture. I know you care, but I just don't want to hear it. I don't mean any disrespect, but I can't handle this right now.” I paused, but only for a moment. Then I said quickly, “I love you, Mom, but I gotta go.”
Hanging up the phone while my mother was still yakking was a difficult thing to do, but I didn't have any other choice.
I tossed the phone onto the table and sat on the living-room sofa. The apartment felt more than empty without Chase. But I knew I had to learn to adjust to the solitude. I expected to be alone quite a bit from now on.
I lay back, closed my eyes and thought about the things I'd told my mother—about depending solely on Christ. I'd always relied on other people for everything, from taking care of me to making me happy, but sinful human beings were far from perfect. I never fully realized how easily they could let me down.
But giving everything to Christ, letting Him be in control, was a new concept to me. I really wanted to do that, but I needed a road map.
I opened my eyes and stared at the Bible sitting on the coffee table. I knew I should read it, like I'd promised Chase. But I really didn't know where to start, so I closed my eyes again.
I couldn't get the thoughts of God from my mind. I really wanted to find direction for my life. I'd been running in a million different ways but not really going anywhere.
Finally, I sat up and lifted the heavy book. I opened it to the table of contents. I turned to Psalms and found the twenty-third chapter, one that was familiar to me.
“‘The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want,’” I read out loud, my voice sounding strange in the quiet room. I stopped right there and read that passage over and over again.
Just that verse was an answer to a prayer for me; I thought of all the things I'd been wanting. Devyn. The perfect wedding. A job. A mother who understood me. Chase's presence in my life. A home of my own. But the two short sentences on the page before me assured me that if Chris
t was truly my shepherd, I didn't have to want for anything. He would supply all of my needs. I realized then that God would not give me everything I wanted because sometimes what I wanted wasn't what was best for me. Like Devyn—God knew all along that Devyn wasn't the man I needed, even though I couldn't see that for myself because I was so blinded by what I thought was love.
I read the Scripture again, claiming the verse for myself. “‘The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.’”
That was all I needed.
I placed the open Bible back on the coffee table, then slipped off the couch and got to my knees. “Father,” I said, “I've been going back and forth over what to do with my life. I still don't have the answers, but I know You do. You know exactly where I'm going and where You want to take me. I now release custody of my life to You. Please do whatever You know is best for me. Thank you for assuring me that I can trust You and not worry. You're not like me, changing from one day to the next. One minute to the next, really. But You are a constant God who loves and cares for me, no matter what. I need Your love right now.”
Tears began to build up behind my closed eyelids as I realized how wretched I was. I felt so unworthy. Why should God love me? “Lord, I feel so empty. I'm so weary and weak. I need You.” As a salty teardrop slid down my cheek, I sensed the Lord wrapping me in His arms, whispering words of love and assurance in my ear. I felt His presence more tangibly than anything I'd ever experienced in my life. “Thank you, Lord,” I said, repeating the phrase over and over.
I climbed back onto the couch and lay down. I closed my eyes. I wanted to rest—for just a few minutes—before I decided what to do with the rest of the evening. But once I closed my eyes, I fell into a deep slumber. And, for the first time in a week, I enjoyed a peaceful night's sleep.
When I awakened, the sun was already shining brightly through the window and I smiled, stretching and feeling totally rested. I went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. There was plenty of grub. I guess Chase was looking out for me when he filled up the fridge. Even though I eyed the eggs, bacon and sausages, I didn't feel like spending time over the stove. So I loaded a plate with cookless munchies: some sweet cut cantaloupe, two glazed chocolate doughnuts and a piece of bologna. Then I curled up on the couch with the remote and flipped through the channels, cruising from one talk show to the next. I watched all the soap operas I could find.
That became my routine for the next several days. I lounged around the apartment, enjoying the luxury of having nothing to do and no one to answer to. Although I was enjoying the mindless days, I kept thinking about Chase and wishing that he would call. I knew he was busy getting settled not only with the team but with Seattle in general. Yet I just couldn't wait to hear his voice again.
Almost a week after Chase left, the phone rang in the middle of one of my talk shows and I jumped, startled at first. The telephone hadn't rung since he'd been gone. But I knew it was Chase. It had to be. No one else knew I was here.
“Hey, guy!” I said, my voice revealing my enthusiasm.
“Oh, so you expectin' my man to call you, huh?” I didn't catch the voice at first, but when I realized it was Aisha, I was so surprised that I remained silent. “Well, let me 'splain somethin' to ya, Little Miss Thang. That is not the way it's gonna be. What part of ‘I don't wanna marry you no more 'cause I got somebody else’ do you not understand?”
“I don't know what you're talking about,” I said. “But I don't need you callin' me with this drama.” I slammed the phone down.
She had some nerve! Thinking I still wanted Devyn after all his junk. Before I could calm myself down, the phone rang again. I grabbed the receiver. I didn't even have the chance to say hello before Aisha started screaming into the phone. “How dare you hang up on me. I got somethin' to say to you.”
“Well, I got nothin' to say to you, girl,” I yelled back, holding the phone so tight my knuckles hurt. “And I'll hang up on you anytime I like!” I slammed the phone so hard this time that I wondered if I'd broken the receiver. It didn't matter—I didn't care.
Almost immediately, the phone rang again. I thought about jerking the cord from the wall and throwing it across the room, but instead I took a deep breath, trying to regain my composure. Aisha obviously wasn't getting the hint.
I picked up the phone on the third ring and hollered: “Why aren't you getting this, you moron? I don't want to talk to you!”
Just before I slammed the receiver back onto its base with a thud, I heard Chase's sexy voice floating through the line. “Man,” he said, “I thought you'd be missing me by now.”
I pulled the phone back to my ear.
He said, “Well, since you don't wanna talk to me, I guess I'll just hang up.”
“Chase,” I cried. “How are you? How's camp? What's going on? Do you like Seattle? How does the team look?”
He laughed. “Hey, let me answer one question before you throw out seventeen more. And anyway, who did you think I was? Calling me a moron!”
“Never mind about that.” I had forgotten all about Aisha. Chase had erased that situation, just with the sound of his voice. I wanted to climb through the phone line and hug him. “I've been waiting to hear from you. How have you been?”
“It's been something,” he declared, but his tone was full of cheer.
I sat on the couch and listened intently as he told me about his routine: waking up at five in the morning for meetings, then going out on the field for practice. Then it was back to meetings. After the team dinner, the day ended with more meetings. “The night meetings usually last till around ten,” Chase said. “Sometimes twelve, depending on what the coach thought about the workout.”
It sounded grueling to me. But I could tell Chase was loving it. “So, the Seattle Storm, huh? You know, I've always been more into college football than the NFL, but if I recall, that team's not too pitiful,” I teased.
He chuckled. “They used to be great. Until about three years ago, when they lost their best receiver to free agency. Still, working out for this team is a great opportunity. They have twelve wide receivers here in camp, and they're probably only gonna keep five or six. So neither the politics nor the statistics are on my side. But I'm grateful to even be here.”
“You're a great wide receiver, Chase. Probably better than any guy out there.”
“Thank you, Zoe. You know I believe that,” he said with confidence. “But the pro league is different from college. They got the best of the best here. I know I'm good, but everybody here is great. And some of these guys got big signing bonuses and contracts already. So I don't know how this is gonna work out. But you know what? The Lord knows, and that's good enough for me.” Without waiting for my reaction to his comment, he said, “But that's enough talk about football. How are you doing?”
“I'm good,” I said. Part of me wanted to tell him that I'd been thinking about him constantly, but I didn't want to appear too aggressive. Besides, I still didn't fully understand where all these feelings for Chase were coming from, and I didn't know what would happen if I revealed my feelings to him. We'd been good friends for a long time, and I didn't know if taking our relationship to another level was what he wanted. If we did get more intimate, could we still remain friends?
“So, are you going to tell me why you answered the phone the way you did?” he asked again.
“Oh, don't worry about that.” I really didn't want to talk about Aisha. I only had a few precious minutes with Chase and I wasn't going to waste them talking about Devyn's whore. “So, what do you do in your free time? Check out the Seattle females?”
“Free time?” He chuckled. “Every minute I got, I'm in my play book trying to study. It's all I can do to find time to get on my knees and pray every day.”
I noticed he didn't say he'd been thinking of me. But I understood how stressed out he was. The only thing he could think about was football. “Look, I know you don't have much time to spare, so I'll let you go. But I'm really glad you called.?
??
“I just wanted to let you know I made it here okay. I'll be in touch. Take care of yourself, okay?”
“I will,” I promised.
I hung up the phone and looked around the living room. Empty soda cans, napkins, wrappers and used paper plates were scattered throughout and I realized that I'd been wasting all my time eating and watching TV. That had to change.
I spent the rest of the week cleaning up the apartment. When I woke up on Sunday, it was spotless. I tossed the jeans that I'd been wearing into a laundry basket and put on a casual pantsuit. Then for the first time in over a week, I headed out the door. My first stop was going to be the grocery store to pick up some healthy snacks and a newspaper, hopefully filled with classified job ads.
But when I got to my car, I noticed that my two back tires were completely flat. “This is ridiculous,” I groaned, kicking one of the tires as if my venting would make it return to its normal size. What could I have run over that would have put holes in not only one tire but two?
I walked to the front of my car. Those two tires were fine. It was strange. Then, a second later, it hit me. Aisha!
“Why can't that crazy chick leave me alone?” I fumed out loud. I stormed back into the apartment and called the police.
“I want to report a crime,” I said. “And I'm pretty sure I know who did it!”
“Please hold,” the operator said.
I waited for ages, listening to stupid elevator music and tapping my foot. I was getting angrier by the minute.
I don't know how long I was waiting, when I heard a knock on the door. The Muzak was still playing in my ear, so I hung up. I would take care of Aisha later.
I opened the door and stood shocked, but only for a moment. I tried to press the door closed, but Aisha held out her hand just in time.
“Get away from this door!” I hollered. “You already done cut my tires. Ain't that enough for one day?”
“You're trippin', girl! First you don't wanna speak to me on the phone and now you're tryin' to slam the door in my face. What's wrong with you?”