“We don’t want anything,” said Cath. “We’ve come to talk to Grace.”
“She may not be up to it,” said Leo. He put one hand on Grace’s forehead. “She had a temperature of one hundred and two this morning. I’ve been feeding her paracetamol all day.”
Leo the caring nurse.
“I’m okay,” said Grace.
Leo looked from Grace to Maddy and Cath.
“So if it’s girl talk why don’t I leave you to it?”
He turned to go. Suddenly Maddy couldn’t bear it.
“Why don’t you give my sister a call?” she said. “Imo Fisher.”
“Ah.” Leo stopped in the doorway. “You’re Imo’s sister.”
“She could do with some paracetamol too.”
Maddy meant to wither him with scorn but Leo took her words at face value.
“Why? What’s up with her?”
“Bruises. All over her body.”
Leo frowned. He sounded concerned.
“How did that happen?”
“You should know. You did it. You beat her up.”
“Me? Is that what she told you?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but your sister must have me confused with someone else. I don’t beat people up.”
“I’ve seen the bruises.”
“Not me. Not my style at all. Is it, petal?”
This was addressed to Grace.
“Of course not,” said Grace.
Leo checked his watch.
“Twenty minutes to go,” he said. “I’m going to leave you girls to entertain each other. I’ll be in the Rainbow if you need me.”
He gave a cheery wave that was scarily similar to Joe’s, and went off down the stairs.
There was a silence. Leo’s blank denial had left Maddy confused and uncertain.
“If you’re not going to say anything,” said Grace, “let’s have the film back on.”
“You’re the one that has to say something,” said Cath.
“I’ve got nothing to say.”
Maddy began to breathe rapidly.
“That’s not good enough,” she said. “You’ve lied and lied and lied.”
“Well, there you are, then,” said Grace. “No use in listening to anything I say.”
Her pale face and listless voice only fanned Maddy’s anger.
“Just tell me, Grace.”
“Think what you like,” said Grace. “I don’t care anymore.”
“Since when did you care?” said Cath.
“Whatever,” said Grace.
“Listen, bitch,” said Cath. “I don’t care how sick you are. I hope you die. But before you die you better tell Maddy why you screwed her around like that.”
“Or what?” said Grace.
“Or you’ll be fucking sorry.”
“Oh, that. I’m fucking sorry already. I don’t need you to make me fucking sorry.”
Maddy lost it.
She took hold of the duvet and ripped it away. Grace’s thin body lay exposed, shivering on the sofa in pajamas. She shrank back from Maddy, afraid.
“That’s just for starters,” said Maddy.
She was shaking. She realized she wanted to hurt Grace. She wanted to rouse her from this state of passive resistance.
She leaned over the sofa and pushed Grace’s shoulders, jerking her back.
Grace opened her eyes very wide.
“You want to hit me?”
“I’m drunk,” said Maddy, “and I’ve been wanting to do this forever.”
She pushed her again, harder this time.
Grace turned her frightened eyes on Cath.
“Cath,” she said. “Tell her I’m sick.”
“I don’t care if you’re sick,” said Cath.
Maddy started to hit Grace with little jabbing stabs of her hand.
“So are you going to talk or not?” she said.
Grace was shrinking away from her attack. Maddy took hold of her by her thin shoulders and shook her hard.
“Please! Don’t!” Grace was staring at Maddy with big fearful eyes. Her voice had become small and pleading. “Come and sit here by me.”
“I don’t want to sit by you.”
“Please. I’ll tell you everything.”
She drew her legs up to her chest to make room, behaving like a little girl.
“Please.”
Maddy stared at her for a long moment. She could feel the blood racing in her veins. Her own anger thrilled her. She felt powerful in a way she had never known before.
She had frightened Grace. She had made Grace submit to her. But now, seeing Grace clutching her knees like a child, so frail and timid, she could not sustain the glorious surge of rage.
“Please sit by me.”
So Maddy sat down beside Grace. Grace curled up against her, laying her head in Maddy’s lap.
“Go on, then,” said Maddy. “Tell.”
“I will. I’ll say whatever you want. But it won’t do any good. You’ll never understand.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re not like me.”
“Guess what, Grace?” said Maddy. “You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know what I’m like or what I’m not like.”
Grace clung to Maddy, gazing up at her with her big beautiful eyes.
“I don’t want you to hate me, Maddy. We’re friends.”
“Wrong. We’re not friends, Grace. That was all over long ago.”
Tears welled in Grace’s eyes.
“Do you hate me too, Cath?”
“Yes,” said Cath.
“You wouldn’t if you knew.”
“Knew what?” said Maddy. “All I know is you faked a load of emails and told lies about you and Joe and Gemma, and all for nothing at all as far as I can see, except to hurt me.”
“Not to hurt you,” said Grace. “To show you.”
“Show me what?”
“What it’s really like.”
“What what’s really like?”
“Love. Boys. Sex.”
“Why?”
“So you’d know. You were such a smiley little virgin.”
“Me!”
“She’s jealous of you,” said Cath. “Can you believe it?” She rounded on Grace. “You just wanted Mad to be as miserable as you.”
“I wanted my friend back.”
Maddy stared at her.
“How would making a fool of myself over Joe do that?”
“Then you’d know. Then we’d talk about boys and how they’re all no good and how we’ve got each other.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “It was only a game. I was going to tell you right away, but you just bought the whole thing. So I let it go on a bit.”
“So that you could have a good laugh at me.”
“I didn’t know how deep in you’d got, Maddy. Truly. I thought it was only a bit of fun.”
“Why did you tell me you were going out with Joe?”
“It all went too far. I didn’t want you finding out and hating me. I had to stop you talking to Joe.”
“So what was the point of all those emails about Leo?”
“To stop Imo seeing Leo.” She wiped her eyes. “Leo’s mine.”
“Was that all made up too? About Leo hurting girls?”
Grace hesitated. But by now they had come too far.
“No,” she said.
“Even though Leo just told me it wasn’t true and you backed him up.”
“What he means is he doesn’t do anything they don’t want. If Imo got hurt by Leo it’s because she wanted it.”
“That’s crap, Grace. No one wants to be hurt.”
“Yes, they do. Lots of people want to be hurt.”
“Why?”
Grace stared back in silence for a long moment.
“It’s how you know someone loves you,” she said.
Maddy was dumbstruck.
“Look,” said Grace.
She sat up and opened her pajama top.
Her skinny body was dark with bruises, just like Imo’s.
“It’s how he shows he loves me. I want him to do it to me. That’s what you don’t understand, Maddy. You’ve not had sex with a boy. This is what sex does.”
Maddy stared.
“That’s not love, Grace.”
“I knew you wouldn’t understand.”
“That’s just sick,” said Cath in a low voice.
“It’s not sick,” said Grace. “It’s just how it is. Boys want sex so much it gives us power over them. So then they want to hurt us. If you want them to love you, you have to let them hurt you. It stops hurting after the first few times. After that, it feels like love.”
Maddy gazed at Grace’s bruised body and for the first time she felt a kind of pity. Not for the bruises: for the loneliness, and the deprivation of love.
“Oh, Grace,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s the same for you too,” said Grace. “It’s the same for everyone.”
“No, it isn’t. There are other kinds of love.”
“Not with sex. You’ll find out. I’m right, Cath. Aren’t I?”
“No,” said Cath. Like Maddy, the harshness was gone from her voice. “You’ve had bad luck. Leo’s sick, Grace. You have to get away from him.”
“I love him. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. If he left me I’d die.”
“I’m going to report him to the police.”
“No, Maddy! You can’t!”
“Maddy’s right,” said Cath.
“I’ll deny it,” said Grace. “I’ll say you’re making it all up. You can’t prove it. Don’t make him send me away. Don’t you understand? I love him. He could kill me and I’d die loving him.”
Cath met Maddy’s eyes.
“I don’t want to do this anymore,” she said.
Maddy rose from the sofa.
“Put on some clothes,” she said to Grace. “We’re taking you home.”
“No!”
Grace turned her face into the sofa and once more drew her skinny knees up to her chest.
“Get out! Go away!”
“We can’t leave you like this. I’m going to tell your parents.”
“No! It’s got fuck all to do with them. You think they care?” Grace was screaming now. “Just fuck off! Get out of my life! You said we’re not friends anymore. Just leave me alone!”
Maddy stood gazing at the frail trembling body curled up on the sofa. Then she picked up the duvet off the floor and covered her once more. She turned on the TV and started the film again.
“I’m really sorry, Grace,” she said softly. “If you change your mind, just call. Come on, Cath. Let’s go.”
Out in the street Maddy looked at Cath and Cath looked at Maddy. They were both in shock.
“It’s been going on for a year, Cath.”
“Did you hear what she said? She said she told all those lies to show you. She wants you to be as unhappy as her, Mad.”
“God knows what she wants. She’s in a bad way. We have to tell her mum and dad. They have to get her out of there.”
Maddy looked towards the brightly lit windows of the Rainbow.
“But first I have to talk to Leo,” she said.
In the pub the television was blaring. The match had just finished. Leo was there, sitting at a table with a group of friends, all men, drowning their sorrows.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he said, seeing Maddy approach. “Have you come to cheer us up? We could do with some cheering up.”
“I’ve come to ask you a question,” said Maddy.
“What’s that?”
“Why do you hurt girls?” The pub went quiet.
“Why do you get off on hurting girls?”
Leo gave an easy lift of his shoulders and threw a smile at his companions.
“Women, eh?” he said.
The men round the table chuckled.
There were three beer mugs on the table: two half drunk, one empty.
“What’s the matter with you all?” she said. “Do you all like hurting girls?”
“Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, sweetheart,” Leo said.
Maddy picked up the nearest mug and threw the contents in Leo’s face. She did the same with the second. He gasped and raised one hand. He was still smiling.
Then Maddy picked up the last, empty beer mug, leaned across the table, and swung it hard down on Leo’s head. It struck him with a loud thud. He cried out and clutched his head in his hands.
“Whoa!” said one of the men. “Easy now.”
Leo lowered his hands from his head. There was blood on his fingers. He looked at his friends and managed a crooked grin.
“I think she loves me,” he said.
They all laughed: a great breeze of tension-releasing laughter.
“Come on, Mad,” said Cath.
Maddy let the beer mug fall. She heard the smash of glass as it hit the brick floor. She felt Cath pulling her out of the pub into the cold night air. She was still shaking with anger.
“They laughed, Cath. They just laughed.”
“What do they know? They’re just men.”
“No,” said Maddy fiercely. “No. That’s what Grace wants us to think. That isn’t how all men are. It can’t be.”
“You really whacked him, Mad. It was amazing.”
“He doesn’t care.”
“He bled.”
“I’m glad.”
They walked up the street.
“I was so angry I didn’t know what I was doing. Do you think I hurt him a lot?”
“I hope so.”
“Oh, Cath. Hold me.”
They came to a stop halfway up the High Street and hugged each other tight.
“I’ve never, ever done anything like that before,” said Maddy.
“You’re a killer.”
“I don’t want to be a killer. I don’t want to feel so angry. I just want everyone to love each other.”
“Me too. Let’s whack everyone until they get the message. Love each other or die.”
31
The big question
Time passed slowly at the hospital.
For a while it seemed Gran would die at any moment. Several times they thought she had already died. But then there would come a soft snuffle and they knew she was still alive. She lay in a side room with Rich’s father sitting by her. Rich’s mother and Rich and Kitty went in and out. When it got too tiring being sad about Gran, Rich and Kitty went off to fetch cups of tea from the WRVS stall.
“Maybe she’ll get better,” said Kitty. “Maybe she’ll come home.”
“I don’t think so,” said Rich.
Gran had been asleep for two days.
“What if she just goes on sleeping? I mean, like, for years?”
“I don’t know, Kitty. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
The WRVS stall was closed. There was a machine that dispensed tea and coffee. Rich felt around in his mother’s purse. There were only enough coins to get one cup of tea.
“They’ll have to share it.”
“What about us?”
“We’ll be okay.”
“I won’t be okay.”
Kitty started to cry.
“I’ll tell you what, Kitty,” said Rich. “I think Mum’s going to take us home soon, since Gran’s going on sleeping. When we get home we could make ourselves hot chocolate icebergs.”
“Do you think we could?”
“Definitely.”
They carried the single cup of tea back to Gran’s bedside and gave it to their father.
“I think you children had better go home,” he said. “Give Gran a kiss in case she goes in the night.”
“Are you going to stay, Harry?” said their mother.
“Yes. I’ll be fine.”
They all kissed Gran. She showed no signs of knowing they were there. Her skin was soft and dry and smelled of roses, like it always had.
“I love you, Gran,” whis
pered Rich.
In the car Kitty said, “Will she just go on and on sleeping?”
“The doctors say it won’t be long now,” said their mother. “She’s very lucky, really. It’s how I’d like to go.”
“I wouldn’t,” said Kitty. “I’d like to say good-bye and have everyone round me crying and telling me how much they love me.”
“Gran knows that anyway, darling.”
At home Rich made the hot chocolate icebergs as promised. This was a family invention, only allowed on special occasions. You made hot chocolate in the normal way and then put into each mug a scoop of vanilla ice cream. You had to drink the hot chocolate before the ice cream all melted so that you got hotness and coldness in each mouthful.
Kitty was happy again. You couldn’t not be happy with a hot chocolate iceberg.
Rich went up to his room and wrote in his diary.
I am evil. Gran is dying but all I think about is Maddy. I want to be with Maddy more than I want to be with Gran even if it means missing her dying. I want to be with Maddy so I can tell her how evil I am. She’s the only one who’ll understand.
He played the Beach Boys because it was what he had played when she was here. He lay full length on his bed and gazed up at the ceiling and thought of Maddy. His thoughts weren’t about sex. He wasn’t reliving the magical hour of kissing and touching. He was slowly absorbing the incredible fact that she loved him.
Rich was only now discovering that he had never expected to be loved. His family loved him, of course. But Maddy was someone else, a stranger, a person with no reason or duty to love him. Rich’s understanding of love was that it could only be prompted by out-of-the-ordinary merit. You could be loved for being strikingly beautiful, or famous, or heroic, or wealthy. He was none of these things. Why therefore would anyone be interested in him? He himself, of course, had a powerful urge to love. He did not seek as objects of his love only the beautiful, or the famous, or the rich. But somehow he had never thought that it might be the same for others: that girls too might have an impulse to love, just as he had, and were waiting not for the perfect boy, but for a little returning kindness.
He got up off his bed and wrote in his diary.
Don’t fuck this up. This is your only chance. There’s only one Maddy Fisher in the known universe. If she dumps you, you’re on your own for the rest of your days.
After that he lay back down on his bed and thought about sex.
Among the many thousand ways he could mess up, sex came number one. Rich both longed for it and dreaded it. If there was any chance of it ruining his relationship with Maddy he truly would rather give it a miss. He wanted her love far more than he wanted sex.