“We are not,” he replied. “My point is, that from a physical standpoint, your body was not prepared for their entry. You were abused and taken advantage of. That is not making love. That was nothing more than a savage crime, the commandeering of your body as an outlet for their own selfish urges,” he raged, his tone growing angrier by the second.
“I agree with you,” I said. “You’re just preaching to the choir.”
“Very good,” Sinjin said as he exhaled dramatically. Since vampires didn’t breathe, the purpose of it was probably to relay his frustration with the topic, or maybe with me. “Your body should always be revered,” he said in a softer tone. “It should be played the way a true master musician plays his instrument. It should be tenderly caressed and embraced. Someone needs to teach you what it means to be a woman, how your body is designed for a man and how only a man can bring you erotic passion.”
“Okay,” I started, now completely mortified. “If you’re trying to completely horrify me, you’ve achieved it and then some.”
“Not another peep!” Sinjin roared before studying me for a few seconds longer. Pretty soon, the irritation in his gaze dissolved. “You are far too beautiful to ignore that side of you.”
“What side of me?”
“The side of you that I have witnessed multiple times,” he said with no trace of apology as my heart began to race again. “I have watched you since we were reunited. I must admit that I fear your passion has faded into oblivion,” he continued, cocking his head to the side as he apparently thought about the topic. “Of course, I understand why it has, if, in fact, that is the case.”
“Are you asking me whether or not I still have sexual desires?” I demanded, wanting to cut to the chase. This conversation was becoming unbearable, and all I wanted to do was get back on the road. “Because, if you are, I don’t really have an answer for you,” I replied. “I don’t know how I feel about any of this.”
“Have you forsaken all members of my sex?” Sinjin suddenly asked, his eyes narrowing on mine.
I swallowed hard as I thought about his question. Remembering every instance when I promised myself to never allow another man to touch me, my plan was to isolate myself with Betta. My sole thought was to keep any and every one away so we could maintain our safety. And, yet, I would have been lying if I said that Sinjin didn’t kindle feelings of sexual desire in me, or make my blood pump faster while butterflies fluttered in my stomach. It would be a lie to say that I didn’t feel a certain tightness between my legs when Sinjin kissed me. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
“I want to help you, Bryn,” he said, his expression and tone completely serious. “I want to help you in any way I can. I want you to find your way back to the woman you once were, my overconfident nemesis who, try as I might, could never be eradicated from my thoughts.”
“I don’t know if I will ever be the person I once was,” I decided coldly. I deliberately ignored that last bit about being in his thoughts. I didn’t want to think about being in Sinjin’s head because those thoughts invited others that I had no business thinking.
Sinjin shook his head. “Perhaps my words were the wrong ones.” He studied me for a few seconds as he apparently searched for the right ones. “True. You will never be the same person you once were, but you can come back from this,” he insisted as he reached for my hands. Gripping them both in his, and squeezing them tightly, he added, “I will see to it that you do come back from this.”
“And how do you propose to do that?” I asked, sounding facetious because I couldn’t imagine any way back from everything I’d gone through. I had no idea if it were even possible to be that girl again, to live on without thinking about all the pain and the anger that had become my constant companions.
“If you consent, I will show you how it should be between a man and a woman,” he said, his eyes boring into mine.
“I don’t even know what that means.”
But Sinjin didn’t lose his cool. He just stared at me while he held my hands. A second or so later, he took the two steps that separated us until he was so close to me, I couldn’t smell anything except his clean aftershave.
“If you consent, I will do everything in my power to erase the ugliness of what was done to you,” he said, his tone suddenly softer. “Where you once felt hurt, I will touch, kiss and caress you. Where you once were forced to submit to their cruelty, I will honor your wishes and never ask you to go further than you are willing to go. I will banish every painful touch, every rude remark, and everything that caused you pain, if you only allow me.”
My heartbeat continued to race until I felt dizzy. I was more than sure that Sinjin knew how nervous I was based on my frantic pulse, but I didn’t even care. All I could do was contemplate his words. But I wasn’t even certain I was doing a good job of that.
“You are the most enticing woman I have ever beheld,” Sinjin whispered as he pushed my hair away from my face and drew a line down the side of my cheek. “The twinkle in your eyes, the fullness of your lips, the richness of your hair,” he said as his eyes trailed down my face. “And your figure,” he started as a devilish grin spread over his face. “I have tried to shelve the memories of the curve of your magnificent breasts in my hands, and the flatness of your belly, and the slick feel of your wetness when I touched you.”
The burning inside my core amplified tenfold and I wanted nothing more than to feel his fingers inside me again. “Why did you stop?” I asked as I suddenly remembered a time when he and I had come very close to a sexual encounter. “When you found out I was a virgin, why did that stop you?”
He brought his roaming eyes back up to mine and studied me for a few seconds before he answered. “I did not want to be your first,” he replied. “I feared you would form a permanent attachment to me, and as you know, I am not a man who can love.”
I wasn’t entirely sure I believed him because a part of me thought he was or had been in love with my sister. But, either way, my entire body deflated at his words. And I wasn’t sure why. I certainly didn’t want to fall in love with anyone, let alone Sinjin. So why did his admission have such a reaction in me?
“I regret that decision now.” He didn’t say anything more so I had to wonder if he regretted his decision because my first experience turned out to be such a horrific one, or did he mean that maybe he was a man who did love?
“I’m not really sure what you’re saying to me, Sinjin,” I said, feeling so uncomfortable that I wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole.
Sinjin’s eyes never strayed from mine and the rawness I saw in them nearly suffocated me. The meager two inches of air that separated us weren’t enough to help me catch my breath.
When he spoke again, his voice was even more determined. “I want you to become my lover.”
H. P. Mallory lives in Southern California with her son and her enormous dog, where she is at work on her next book.
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H.P. Mallory, The Scent (The Bryn and Sinjin Series Book 2)
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