“Now it’s my turn.” Jamie pointed the controller to the stereo and chose the next song, all the while keeping me cuddled in his arms.
I loved nights like these where we stayed in, eating takeout, and took turns playing songs for each other to say our feelings to each other. Some were funny and some were romantic. But I loved them all. I closed my eyes, clearing my thoughts of anything but Jamie’s fingers lightly scratching up and down my arm as he searched for the perfect song.
“Our song,” he said as “With or Without You” began to play.
As he sang along softly to the words, my mind drifted to the night he played this song as we stood under the stars and he promised to love me forever. He promised to make me his wife. I twirled my treasured ring around my finger, wondering when he would make it official between us. I was in no rush. Jamie never made me feel as though I needed to rush anything with us, because he always had a plan. I’ve never doubted his love for me, or that one day he would be my husband, but sometimes I wondered whether he’d want to get married while we were in college, or whether he’d wait until after graduation. Either way, I can’t imagine I’d feel any more secure in our relationship than I did. This ring meant more to me than any diamond ever could. It was his mother’s and she was the thing he treasured most. The fact that he trusted me with something so special to him was all the assurance I needed of his love for me.
I don’t know whether it’s the independence of being away at college or the confidence Jamie filled me with, but I’ve felt more confident and secure with myself than ever before this past year. I love the classes I’ve chosen this semester and am getting all As, making my dad proud, which has kept him off my back about living with Jamie. If anything, living with him has only made life better. We’re not big partiers, although we socialized with our friends plenty. But it’s nights like these that I found most satisfying.
“I love you, Jamie,” I said, without thinking about it. It’s as easy as exhaling.
“One love, everlasting.” He husked out his favorite phrase to me, flipping over on top of me and looking at me with intense, hooded green eyes.
This was a look that could instantly ignite my desire for him, and I felt the embers spark alive inside me when he licked his lips as if he were about to devour me. His mouth met mine with a fiery passion that was unavoidable when he was near me this way. He had one hand tangled in my loose brown curls, and the other searching up my fluffy white sweater. I sighed when he traced his finger across the lace of my bra, teasing my mouth with his tongue, begging for me to show him how badly I wanted him.
“I need you, Jamie.” The passion-filled words were filled with meaning.
He paused, looking at me in a way that touched my soul. “You have my whole heart, Lex. You’ve got every part of me.”
He crashed his lips to mine, filling me with the security I’ve always dreamed of. Everlasting love.
I awoke naked on our bed in the middle of the night to the sound of a faint ringing. I sat up, trying to get my wits together. Jamie was still sound asleep next to me. I smile at the memory of the exhausting passion-filled night we’d just spent together.
Suddenly I realize that the sound I was woken by was our telephone. I looked at our clock to see that it was almost three in the morning. I immediately shoot up out of our bed, wondering who could be calling at this hour. An unfamiliar voice speaks over our answering machine.
An Irish accent alerted me to the severity of what I was listening to. “Jamie, it’s Aunt Maggie. Call me, honey. Call me as soon as you can.”
I pick up the receiver and walk to our bedroom; tears already filled my eyes. “Hi, Maggie, it’s Jamie’s girlfriend Alexa. Let me get him for you. Is everything alright?” I asked in a wavering voice.
“No, honey; it’s not. Jamie’s dad is sick. Very sick. He needs to come home.”
I shook Jamie, tears pouring from my eyes. Jamie’s biggest fear in life was losing his only surviving parent. He sat up quickly, startled from his deep sleep and immediately saw the tears in my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” He wiped the tears from my eyes with his thumbs.
“It’s…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the words; I handed him the phone and watched helplessly as Jamie heard the news.
He froze.
He didn’t speak.
He sat there with no emotion and stared at me with disbelief. I knew he was counting on me to be the anchor to keep him together right now and I pulled him into me, repeating over and over that everything’s going to be alright.
We both knew it wasn’t.
I helped Jamie pack his things, wishing he would open up to me and tell me how he’s feeling. I’d never seen him this way. It’s as if he’s not with me anymore and already in Ireland. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head as he threw all of his clothes in a large duffel bag.
“Why don’t you just pack a few things for now? I can come and bring more if you need it.” I tried to push away my own anxiety building at his leaving in such a panic. “Do you want me to book you a flight? Do you know how long you’ll be gone?”
Jamie stopped in his tracks and sat on the bed, wringing his hands. “I’m just going to get to the airport and get on the first flight back. I’m not sure how long I’ll be there.” He looked up at me, filled with anguish. “He’s really sick, Lex. Stage four pancreatic cancer. He’s in the hospital and they can’t operate.”
It was as if I were punched in the stomach.
Cancer.
He’s going to lose another parent.
This will devastate him.
I turned and grabbed another bag, stuffing anything I could find into it.
Jamie grabbed my hand. “What are you doing?” His eyes were strained and sad.
“I’m coming with you,” I answered matter-of-factly.
“You can’t. Finals are coming up. I’m not letting you mess that up because of me.” He takes my bag and tosses it across the room. “You’re staying here.”
I could only imagine what he was going through and tried not to show my hurt. “I want to be there for you and your family. School will always be here.”
“You’re not coming and that’s the end of it.” He ran his hand through his unruly long brown hair again and came over to my side, placing a deep, comforting kiss on my lips. He breathed in deeply, as if he were making a memory of the perfect way our lips fit together.
My eyes filled up with tears. Why did this feel like good-bye?
“When finals are over, I’ll fly out. I can take a semester off if I need to. I won’t take no for an answer.”
He smiled sadly at me. “Always my stubborn love.” He pressed his forehead against mine, letting our hearts and souls connect. “One love, everlasting.” He tossed his bag over his shoulder and walked out the door.
I fell to the ground in a pool of tears when the door closed behind him. Deep in my heart, I knew things would never be the same for Jamie and me. It all seemed like a nightmare moving in slow motion. Just hours ago we were envisioning our future together, happier than ever, and in a split second it was all crushed like broken promises and lost dreams.
The first few weeks that Jamie was gone, he called several times a day, filling me in on his dad’s outlook, and asking about school. I let him know that all of his professors agreed to give him incompletes, and he would be able to take his finals when he returned, although we still weren’t sure when that’d be.
Upon his return to Ireland, Jamie talked to me about his relatives fighting over the family business—a small pub that his dad had run and been in charge of his entire life. It belonged to his mother and she wanted it to be Jamie’s one day. Jamie and his dad had lived upstairs for his entire life, and would do anything to save it. It was the one place he went to that held most of his memories of his mom, and if his dad really was as sick as he said, it would be all he had left of him as well. Jamie was becoming increasingly worried his relatives were going to sell the busin
ess, and was working tirelessly to find someone to take over until he finished school.
I mentally began to prepare myself that I’d one day be living in Ireland with Jamie, and it was something I’d always considered might happen. The idea began to excite me more and more each time we talked. It seemed like a magical place the way he described it, and having him gone from me this way made me realize I would go anywhere with him.
I spent my days working hard on my classes, using free time to walk in Central Park, taking pictures of the places Jamie and I liked to visit after one of our daily runs so that I could send them to him, trying my best to keep him connected to me. I tried not to let his absence bring me down; he wouldn’t want me to mope around all day. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to show him I could make it on my own and he didn’t have to worry about me. I only wanted him to worry about his dad. That needed to be his only focus. So, when we talked on the phone I was always sure to share with him my activities of the day so he would know that he didn’t need to worry about me.
Then one night, right after his father passed away as I was reading in bed, waiting to hear his voice, Jamie called, and my entire world was crushed.
“We have to talk.” Jamie’s voice was disconnected. I pulled my blanket up under my chin, as if it would protect me from what I knew was to come.
“Okay.” Fear overcame me.
“I’ve been going back and forth in my head about this since I left.”
“Jamie, don’t,” I begged, already knowing where he was going with this.
“I’m not coming back, Lex.” His words were clipped and it sounded nothing like the Jamie I loved.
I tried to remain calm. I was prepared for this. I had always doubted he would come back with everything going on at home. “I understand, Jamie. It’s alright. You’re doing what you have to do.” A little relief poured through me. I said what I knew would make him happiest. “I’ll withdraw this semester and apply to school in Dublin. I’ve already—”
“No.” Jamie cut me off. “You’re staying there. It’s been your dream to graduate from NYU and I’m not letting you give that up for me.”
“No dream is complete if you’re not in it, Jamie.” My voice shook with each word.
“I need you to promise me to finish school. We can talk about everything else later. I can’t give you what you need right now and I don’t want you to hold out hope that I’ll be coming back any time soon.”
“I’ll do what you ask because I will do anything for you.” I hold back my tears and be strong for him. “But I’m still coming out and spending my summers and holidays with you. We can make this work. I want to make this work. I’m willing to make the sacrifice if it means we will have the rest of our lives together.”
Jamie was silent.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, alright?” His voice is so disconnected it scares me. “I just wanted you to know before I dropped out of my classes.” He clears his throat, showing his first sign of emotion. “I’m sorry, Lex. I love you.”
He didn’t wait for me to respond and hung up. I sit, motionless, with the phone to my ear, wishing it would reconnect, although I knew it was impossible. I could sense something was terribly wrong between us and should have gone out there the second I recognized something in him began changing soon after he left. I fell onto my bed with a recording of the operator telling me to hang up the phone repeating in my ear. My world turned to darkness and the sadness that had been held at bay for so many years hit me like a powerful tidal wave, sweeping away all the pieces of me that belonged to Jamie, leaving only a skeleton of who I was.
The next day, I received the call I feared. He was too selfish to say it to me that night. Instead, he left me a message telling me it was over and disappeared from my life without a trace.
I’m glad when Jamie acts as if he didn’t witness me being a crazy jealous person earlier today when I arrive early to the meeting and it’s just the two of us. He used the time to show me pictures on his phone of his other restaurants, hoping to be able to continue my idea of using photographs, rather than paintings, to add to the homey ambiance of all the locations, to make it the one link that visually ties the locations together.
I’m immediately struck by one location he flips past and its quaint beauty. It’s much different than his other restaurants and it struck a chord with me. “Which location is that one?” I reach over him, swiping back until I stop at the small, two-story gray building with bright red trim.
He pauses and clears his throat, uncharacteristically nervous. “It’s my home. Well, Hidden Moon is downstairs, and my home is on top.” He points to the windows of his family’s home above the expansive pub that is double the size I remember and I am brought back to my past again.
“How come I never knew it was called Hidden Moon? I thought it was named something different for some reason?” I wonder how I never took the time to know about his life in Ireland back then.
“I changed it when I took over and expanded it. It used to be called Fancy Fox. Fox was my mom’s name. It was a place that she loved, so I didn’t like talking about it so much back then.” He pushes the button to clear the picture and sets the phone on the table. “I turned it into a gastropub about a year after moving back. It was a big hit, and the catalyst that’s allowed me to expand the way I have.”
Pride rushed through me. “I love the look and feel of it. I think we should try to capture some of its charm here.” Ideas flood my mind and I’m filled with excitement. I jump from my seat and point out the window to the location where the restaurant will be built. “I think you should think of moving the main dining room here.” I point to a spot in the corner of the lot. “With floor-to-ceiling windows, diners can have a view of the sea and the mountains.” I run up to the window, imagining the building if it were already there. “The bar would be there then, and the view of the valley and ocean beyond will make people want to sit there for hours—and spend money.” I clap my hands together, imagining myself sitting there with my girls and am pumped with the idea. I point down to the blueprint on the table. “We can still incorporate most of our design details, and just use more wood and beam work than we initially planned to tie it together with Hidden Moon.” I can’t help but notice the way he’s watching me, never interrupting me and letting my ideas fly, amused by my enthusiasm the entire time.
Jamie laughs and decides to challenge me like he always used to. “Don’t you think people would enjoy something more upscale, like my SoHo restaurant?”
“No. I don’t at all.” I smile and pull out my phone, searching for pictures of my friend’s bed and breakfast in New Jersey. It’s been my favorite place to visit when it opened a few years back. One couldn’t help but relax and feel at home there while having five-star quality at the same time. “Look at this.” I show him the pictures on the website. “This is one of the most popular places on the Jersey Shore and caters to all the rich and famous, but with all the comforts of home.”
“I see what you mean. I love the woodwork and wrought-iron detailing. It’s masculine and cozy all at once.” Jamie pats me on the back. “I knew you’d be the magic touch I needed.”
“Sorry I’m late. Look who I found.” Frank walks through the door with Tommy and Mike.
I notice Jamie look at me out of the corner of my eye when Mike walks through the door, seemingly checking for my reaction after what he saw happen between us earlier. Little does he know how practiced Mike and I are at pretending everything is perfect between us. I walk right up to Mike and greet him with a kiss on the cheek as he wraps me under his arm, acting possessive of me for the first time in forever.
“Hi, love.” He lays another kiss right on my lips, making me feel slightly uncomfortable and a little curious. I have to assume he’s only trying to reassure me after my insecure mistake this morning and not marking his territory in front of Jamie, which is how it almost feels.
Jamie makes no attempt to hide his narrowed eyes at Mike. Everyt
hing up until now had been so normal between the two of them. I wondered whether Jamie actually questioned what made me react the way I did to seeing another woman in Mike’s arms, as innocent as it was. Now it’s clear he’s come to his own conclusion about why I reacted the way I did.
I quickly try to defuse the tension. “Alright, now that everyone’s here, let’s get everything finalized on my end, and I’ll leave you guys to your business.”
“Lex was telling me earlier today about her plans to visit a photographer while she’s in New Jersey next week. Can we fit it in our schedule to meet her and Mike there?” Jamie asks as I pull out my swatches and idea board, completely shocking me.
I notice a scowl come across Mike’s face when Jamie refers to me as Lex. No one calls me that but Jamie, and when Jamie left me, I never let anyone call me that again. I have to admit that a part of me feels a little happy that he’s finally feeling threatened by Jamie. I would never do anything to make him have actual reason to doubt me, but it’s nice to see him have any emotion over the possibility someone else could possibly be interested in me other than him.
“I’m sure we could make it work,” Frank answers excitedly. “I’ve been wanting to get down to the shore anyway. Where are we talking about?”
I try to hide my surprise. “Sea Girt, to his gallery first; then off to Bay Head to see my friend’s bed and breakfast.” I turn to Jamie. “It’s the place I was showing you earlier this evening.”
Frank smiles over at me. “You bringing Lee?” he says suggestively.
“She goes nowhere without Lee,” Mike responds for me jokingly and I’m glad to notice the tension in the room reduces a few notches. Mike’s always been glad to have Lee on trips with us because it lets him get the freedom from the boys and me that he always seems to need when we’re on vacation.
“Man, let’s make a trip of it. I can get my crew to meet us there too. We can make a weekend of it.” Frank’s already on his phone, making plans.