Jamie laughs and turns to Frank. “Don’t get carried away. Just see what you can work with my schedule.”
I spend the next hour or so going over all the rest of the details for my part of the restaurant. I make the changes that Jamie and I talked about earlier and everyone is in agreement. Even Mike looks excited about my idea to shift the location of the building and my ideas about the photography. He’s also always loved my friend’s place in Jersey and the pride I saw when he looked at me chipped away at the anger and sadness from earlier today, although I question why he said he was in Los Angeles when he clearly never was and never planned to be. Something is up, but this is not the place to question his behavior.
When my part is done, I excuse myself, saying good-bye to the men, glad to be on my own again and to get back to the boys. Mike walks me out the door, hand in hand like we always used to and to my car, , but I quickly pull away, once we’re out of sight, not wanting to let him think that I really believed his lie today. He doesn’t protest, and laughs to himself condescendingly like I’m the one who’s screwing everything up. I know he doesn’t question me because he knows he’s wrong. He just turns away and goes back into the trailer without another word.
I drive home with all my windows down, letting the air blow my worries away, resetting my thoughts for when Mike comes home later. I hope he doesn’t bring up what happened in the coffee shop, and I’m pretty sure he won’t because we don’t really talk about these things anymore. He’d much prefer to ignore instances of my jealousy because he knows he’s given me reasons to doubt him. I know Dr. Murphy won’t think another thing about it, given her intimate knowledge of all I’ve been going through with my marriage. Just seeing that she didn’t have any hard feelings toward Mike gave me hope that he may even start back up marriage counseling. I think it’s important he goes for himself like I’m doing while we work through everything. It’s been so helpful for me to get perspective.
I press the speakerphone in my car, asking it to dial Rita, and turn down my music.
“Hey, Alexa. Sorry I missed you today.”
“No worries. It wound up being a crazy day anyway. I’m about to grab a pizza for the boys and wanted to see if you and your little man wanted to join us. Mike won’t be home until later.” I wonder just how late Mike plans to be tonight. I don’t think he has any other plans after his meeting.
“That sounds great, but I have Lee sitting here, batting her eyes and hoping for an invitation.”
“Jesus, doesn’t that woman have a life?” I ask jokingly, knowing very well Lee could hear me. “Be at my house in thirty minutes, okay?”
“Sounds great! I’ll bring wine.”
“Don’t show up without it.” I hang up and dial the pizza place.
For the first time, I feel happy, and that’s saying a lot considering how my day started. I love working, I love my family, and I no longer have the question of Jamie looming in the back of my mind. Everything seems to be as it should have always been.
“That sounds like one hell of a rollercoaster day.” Lee swirls her wine in her glass.
“It was definitely one for the record books of embarrassment for me,” I say truthfully.
The girls and I were all comfortable in our yoga pants, hair in messy ponytails, lounging around the house like teenagers, making up for the gossip session we missed because of our canceled workout. The first thing all of us did every day after work is scrub off the make-up and get comfortable. I loved having friends who didn’t give a shit about who looked better than the other.
I walk over to the stairs to check whether the boys have finally gone to sleep, hoping they don’t hear the conversation we are having. The one thing that I’ve been acutely aware of is to never talk about my issues with Mike when the kids are around. No matter how bad that man may have messed up in the past, he is still and will always be their father. I don’t want the boys to think poorly of him, as much as I don’t want them to perceive me as weak or some sort of doormat for staying with him through all of this. Children don’t understand the complications and mistakes that can happen in a marriage. They don’t get that every marriage has its problems—some small and some too big to overcome. I think my marriage falls between the two. We weren’t careful enough in the past and I don’t want to make that mistake again.
“Don’t underestimate yourself.” Rita laughs. “You eating it on the treadmill in front of that hot Irishman and the entire gym was pretty high up there.” She clinks her glass with Lee as they both bust up laughing, reenacting my face when I fell.
“Very supportive—jerks.” I laugh along.
“What’s his name again?” Rita asks.
“Jamie,” Lee and I both say at the same time.
“Only everyone else calls him C.J. He’s apparently only bestowed Alexa with calling him Jamie.” Lee raises her eyebrow, as if there is something going on.
I look between them defensively. The last thing I want to do is give an impression there is something going on between us. I’ve been overly careful about not putting myself in any situations where our intentions would be questioned. “It’s only because it’s the name I know him by, and it’s a little weird calling him C.J. He didn’t like it either; he’s always been Jamie to me.” I put my glass down and glare at the girls. “There is and will never be anything between Jamie and me. You know I’d never do anything while I’m married after what I’ve been through with Mike.”
Lee stands up and kisses my head. “Relax, Alexa. We’re just jealous. He’s one hot hunk of man.”
“I’d ride that pony if I had the chance. He. Is. Hot!” Rita says jokingly as she high-fives Lee.
I know the chances of Rita cheating on her husband were as unlikely as they are with me. She’s always joking, but has the most solid marriage I’ve ever seen. It makes me jealous that they’ve been able to keep the fire alive for so long. The four of us used to be the couples people looked to as a picture of perfect marriages. Lee would always say she’s stayed single so long because she hadn’t found her lobster like we found ours. Lee lived life by Friends and Seinfeld quotes, which always made us laugh, but also always backed up her point perfectly.
We all freeze when we hear the beep of the alarm that lets us know the front door has opened, and as if we were teenagers caught in our parents’ liquor cabinet, the girls jump up and start to put everything away. I take a drink from my glass, letting the girls know there’s nothing to worry about when Mike walks back into the kitchen. There have been times in the recent past when Mike’s been upset to see the girls here after he’s had a hard day at work, but I knew he was well aware of my plans for tonight.
My calm, confident demeanor quickly shifts to surprise when Frank and Jamie walk around the corner of the kitchen door, following Mike. We giggle a little between one another as we try in vain to adjust our horrendous hairstyles. Lee immediately turns away from Frank and pinches her cheeks, completely unaware that the wine has already flushed her.
“Hey,” I say as casually as I can and hop up to kiss Mike on the cheek. “What are you fellas doing here?” I reach for some more glasses. “Would you like to join us?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I regret them.
“I wanted to show them what I did with the remodel of Jose’s Place. We’re thinking of a similar bar area.” Mike walks past me to the office. “Grab a glass, guys, and meet me back here.”
I smile when I see Frank nuzzle up to Lee, telling her how beautiful she looks. She’s had dud after dud come into her life. I’ve gotten over the fact that he’s Jamie’s right-hand man and am glad that she’s found someone to balance out her crazy. Rita takes the glasses from me and pours them for the guys.
“You have a lovely home.” Jamie looks at the pictures around my kitchen. It isn’t until now that I recognize how many symbols of Ireland I have around me, which I only now realize can easily be thought of as reminders of him. There’s a painting as large as the width of my kitchen of the Irish countrysi
de that gets Jamie’s attention. “Aye, is that Kerry Way?” He traces his fingers over the thick paint.
It makes me instantly remember how he loved the feeling of dried oil paintings that have been layered over and over, adding depth and complexity, and as he said, emotion to the painting.
“Yes, it is.” I turn and point to the small paintings arranged in a collage next to the oven. “These are of Beara Peninsula.”
I turn my gaze from the painting to see Jamie is no longer looking at the painting; he’s looking at me.
“I’m back here,” Mike calls from his office, unaware of our conversation.
“Excuse me.” Jamie takes my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, not keeping his usual physical distance from me.
I turn back to the girls to see Lee and Rita staring at me curiously.
“You’re in trouble.” Rita smiles.
I roll my eyes. “For what?”
“Don’t play dumb, Alexa. He looks at you like he’s going to eat you alive. I’m all hot and bothered just watching you two together.”
“You’re just drawing conclusions based on background knowledge. He looks at everyone the same way. He’s an intense guy.”
“Uh-huh.” She takes a long drink from her wine. “I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong. I’m not saying he’s doing anything wrong, for that matter. I’m just saying the chemistry between you two is enough to make a nuclear bomb.”
“You can tell all that from a benign conversation about art? Either you need to get out more, or stop watching Days of Our Lives.”
“Uh-huh,” she repeats condescendingly. Lee busts up laughing.
It’s then that I realize as happy as it makes me to have Jamie in my life again, I’m going to have to let him go when this is all done. Mike and our family have to be my priority. I can’t let anyone’s misperceptions interfere with keeping my marriage and integrity intact.
My dreams of having a vacation in New Jersey together were thwarted the first day we arrived when Mike told us he had to go into the city for a few days. The past two days he’s been home have not been easy for any of us. By the time our first week at the quiet Jersey Shore was over, my boys were busting at the seams with excitement to leave for Camp Callahehee this morning, and it’s breaking my heart to send them on their own, so far from home, for an entire week for the first time. Their excitement to leave seemed to grow once Mike returned in a more sour mood than ever. Mike and I put on a show for my dad and the kids during the day, but argue every night. Lee has done everything she can to help me keep the boys shielded from his outbursts, but there are only so many trips to the boardwalk they can handle. There’s been no way to completely hide Mike’s outbursts from them with them only a room away. Mike has been getting irate with me when I ask him not to let his work worries affect our fun on the trip and just blows up at me for inferring he’s in a bad mood and ruining our vacation when he refuses to join us on any of our excursions.
As amazing as Mike’s always been when it comes to vacations, his behavior this past week has been hard for me to deal with. It’s the first time he hasn’t tried to make the little time we have together special, and I feel something unrepairable is about to happen between us. I know Mike’s frustrated with being away from work for so long, and is anxious to get back to California, but none of us deserve the way he’s been acting. Lee has seen more in these few days than in all the years I’ve known her, and it’s only because she loves me and doesn’t want to upset me that she hasn’t murdered Mike yet.
I overheard Mike talking on the phone with someone about a past client who says Mike owes him money, and I know this is the kind of thing that constantly stresses him out, but I don’t know why he’s having to deal with this kind of thing on our vacation and not one of his many assistants who are in charge of billing anyway. He’s been on the phone night and day with a seemingly endless barrage of problems going on, and unwilling to defer any of it to the others.
Luckily, Lee’s been fiercely protecting my secret from my dad and has done everything she can to help buffer me from questions I can see about to burst from my dad, who clearly realizes something is going on between Mike and me.
“Mike seems stressed,” my dad says blankly as he watches my husband pace back and forth on the back deck.
“He’s always this way lately, Mr. Patterson,” Lee chimes in, breaking Girl Code as she sips on her mimosa.
My dad raises an eyebrow toward me and looks at me as only a father can. “Everything alright?”
I’ve never met a man who can say so much with so few words. I can see the doubt and concern written all over his face. It’s the look I’ve been avoiding for so long. It’s crazy how one look can make me feel like such a failure and fill me with so much shame.
“You know how things get sometimes. He’s just having a hard time at work. We’ll get through it.” I get up from my seat and walk over to the window, flashing Lee a glare that lets her know this conversation needs to end. I look out the bay window onto the still lagoon running past the back of his house, doing my best to act as though everything is fine as Mike paces past me just out of reach, but seeming so much farther away.
I hear Lee talk to my dad about the Giants, starting a debate about why she thinks the San Francisco 49ers are a better football team, and I’m relieved. The one thing that can get my dad riled up more than anything is to harp on his Giants. It makes me smile when I hear my dad’s belly laugh and makes me think of a time when it was all I wanted to hear. I was so happy when he was finally able to buy this little beach cottage and start his bakery thanks to the help of his friend, Mr. Dade. Dad’s been happier than ever at a time that I’ve hit my bottom, and it’s one of the few things that bring me happiness other than my boys.
Being home again has given me perspective on my life that I don’t think I had before. I watch as a boat trolls by, making the calm waters buffet against the docks like Mike’s actions have disturbed the predictable comfort our marriage used to bring me. I look over at Mike and know I still love him. Even after all that has happened, I love him. He brought me back into the light once Jamie left. He loved me in a way that I needed for so long. He gave me two amazing boys who I would trade my life for. The past few days, all I can wonder is whether my holding on to this marriage as tightly as I have been has only been draining the life out of it more than Mike’s cheating has.
I’ve come to accept that I’m Mike’s wife on paper and nothing more. As each day passes, I realize that although Mike made the first cut in the marriage, my inability to move forward is what’s shredding away any possibility of repair. Mike stopped going to marriage counseling because he was getting beat up daily and there was nothing he could say that was able to break down my wall of hurt and insecurity. When he stopped going to therapy, I should have realized it was his way of saying he’s done trying. It’s been on me this whole time and I can’t take the weight of it any longer. A revelation comes over me, and it instantly makes it easier to breathe.
I’m done being the wife.
I have to find my joy in just being the mom and make my own way. I close my eyes and take a deep breath at the thoughts that follow.
I’m going to ask him for a separation. He’ll have to be the one to take the step to file for divorce, because I can’t do that. Not yet anyway. I’m in no rush to move on, but I can’t live this way anymore. The self-loathing and self-pity is paralyzing me. I’ve been the strong, secure one of all my friends for all my life, and trying to put up an aura of perfection is something I’ve realized I can’t do anymore.
I’m not perfect. Not even close.
Neither is my husband.
None of us are.
Staying with Mike for the kids’ sake is only hurting them more. I see that now. I see it in the way they defend me to their dad or ask him to join us, knowing he’s going to say no. I see the disappointment they get in their eyes when their dad snaps at me or ignores us. I realize now their disappointment is als
o at me for not sticking up for myself.
I feel a hand on one of my shoulders and realize I’m crying; another hand from the other side of me reaches over and wipes a stray tear away. “You’re a good girl, Alexa. You’ve made your mother proud. You need to do what makes you happy, and that bastard doesn’t anymore. That’s okay, baby…it happens.” My dad’s words completely destroy me. These are the times I wish I had my mom here to talk to me, to guide me in the ways of the world. To tell me I’m doing the right thing. But today, his words are perfect. They are the freeing words of acceptance that only he can give me.
I look between Lee and my dad, who are flanking me with good intentions, and laugh. They are the two most scatter-brained, smart people I know, who have no clue about relationships. Hell, Lee’s most serious relationship has been with her hairdresser, and my dad hasn’t been in love since Mom died what seems like a lifetime ago.
Looking at him and the sadness that still lingers behind his eyes makes me wonder whether I’ll end up like my dad. He lost the love of his life and never found anyone who he thought compared to Mom, so he never remarried. As much as I wanted my dad to find someone to share his life with, all I can think now is what he and Mom had was true love. He’s always said he’d never experience a love like he had with her again, and didn’t see the point in trying. He loved cooking, he loved fishing, he loved playing cards, he loved me and my boys, and he loved my mom. He didn’t think he needed anything else. He felt as if he already had it all.
Just then, Mike walks in from the patio, looking at all of us curiously. “Everything alright?” He looks truly concerned seeing us stand mournfully together this way. I don’t think he even realizes how much he’s completely alienated me this week and everyone sees what we think we’ve been hiding.
“Come help me check on the bakery, Little Lee. I’ll let you have a piece of pie,” my dad says as casually as he can, giving Mike and me some much-needed time alone.